A message to you

The kids are asleep and here I sit...wondering why I still feel. I took a leap of faith and fell to the rocks below. Even after I crashed to the earth below - I still feel for you...why? I don't understand. My kids don't think I'm crazy, I don't think I'm crazy...nor does anyone else. Its not being obsessed, possessive, jealous...its a true genuine feeling. I'm writing you here for two reasons; one because I know you won't read it here, and two I took a leap and took a risk...and the last thing I want is to lose what I do have of you. I know where all my mistakes were - and they only become mistakes if I chose not to fix them, not only with myself but with you. I have had opportunities with others that I've turned down - because no one can or will ever amount to what you can do and what you're capable of doing. It saddens me to see u in pain and not being well, being over worked, stressed and no time for you...and if I only listened to you maybe things would have...could have been different. The only defense I have for that is I was immature and didn't see what I had in front of me this whole time. I really do and always will love you unconditionally from a far without being intrusive on your life what so ever...believe me I try and have tried to let go and move on but every time I do it seems something pulls me back. I don't know what force it is but it's real and not in my head. When we did have good times we worked in tandem and it really was us against the world and we did overcome a lot...I know though sometimes people can break from stress, not being happy or not being listened to. I guess if there really was any chance of being with you ever again in life it would be done the right way...because I think the time we had a part helped us both grow in good ways. I just wish you could see that in me or try too. I'm not looking to jump back into something but I don't want us to close the door yet...maybe that's why ur afraid to talk to me on the phone...I know it would be hard for me too, even seeing you would be hard...but I think its because of the deep love I have for you...its "you" what's inside that I love and how you care for our kids...maybe if you gave me and you a chance, even on a talking level it could do one of two things...either help us realize we are meant to be or not meant to be, and be able to move on without being hurt. I was told by someone who's really smart that I shouldn't listen to what others tell me...and all I get is people telling me to walk away from you completely...but its hard even after everything I've been through...people do and can change tina...and regardless of what our future hold we are in some ways stuck with each other (Dre & Kiara). I am sure if there was any chance at all - it would do wonders for us all even the kids. I do often think that maybe the reason why your scared to see me or talk to me is of all the emotions flooding back in and having a moment of weakness...because I really feel that your not afraid of me or feel threatened...I truly believe that's your wall...to not only block me but to block you as well. I get it, respect it and understand it. It just bothers me and hurts me to see you having to suffer when you really don't have to - I don't want to change you in anyway shape or form and want to watch you continue to grow, but be there for you and with you to help ease any stress and allow you to have time to rest. Its been 5 years - your lucky number...and I think I deserve at least the benefit of the doubt that people can change for the better...I just wish I was able to sooner...but none the less I have and I don't think I could have without the things that have happened. You are and always be my true love - no one can or ever will replace that...and I'm saying this because its true. I miss when we used to talk and be sweet with one and other and the good times we did have...we did tina, we did have good times...maybe the bad out weighed the good but the good times were there and they were genuine. One of the things you said was "say what you mean, mean what you say". If that's true and you did love me unconditionally, how can you stop loving me? Or not love me? I know one thing is for sure - somewhere down the road someone or something gave you this notion I was evil and a monster and would never change...I challenge that. I don't know if you noticed or realized but once we separated the world took a turn for the worse...families aren't the same...holidays aren't the same, people aren't the same anymore...and I think its because we had something special...we did start young and that was for sure something that contributed to a lot...if wishes really existed, I would wish for one last chance. But before any chance - we need to talk...I know u have little time but everything has to be in small steps..instead of taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back...it wouldn't work any other way...and from the talking, we can see where things go. But wishes don't come true - because I've wished many times over and nothing ever happens, but hope never dies. I know you won't see this that's why I'm letting it all out on here, because I know if I sent you this in an email, it would probably be too long for you to read? And I'd don't want to push you away...as for earning trust, I think I have shown that I can be...especially for letting you know certain things that could have a big impact in your life: I do that because I'm not a bad person. No one will ever love you the way I do - or do what I would do for you, because I know now how things need to be for things to work...I just wish there was an angel out there who could hear me and tell you how real and sincere I am. If by some chance my wishes are being heard and listened too - I just ask for one slim chance to see...that's all...txt'ing and emails are one thing and sometimes words are taken out of context...its the tone and inflections that make things definitive...I can't be un loyal to you not matter what...but if need be and like I've done; I can do it from a distance. Anyway that's how I feel - after 5 years...I still love you.

Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network