Friday, October 30, 2009

I don't understand!!!!

I just don't understand - everything that has gone on since my last post...damn probably even between mid-august till now things don't make sense...all these people coming back into my life like not a day went by...even my other family. I appreciate it a lot but I don't know where all this is coming from. Look I understand all of what I have gone through is a little old and overdone - I guess I'm afraid to say anything on here...I shouldn't but I have emailed Tina a few times since the last contact with her...no reply but movement...and even wanting me to help...but 2 months ago I was still a monster...I've had dreams...even un-easy feelings of her presence....and I'm not saying that to be mean...but these feelings I have I don't understand why I have them...when I had completely got over her...never looked at one picture of her since I moved from the house...and now its like she's there again...don't get me wrong it would be a blessing for us to be together but facts are facts and she rejected me as a person for her in her life and I've accepted it entirely...I just don't know what to do....all I know is there are days where I hear a sound or a smell something that reminds me of home....
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Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Why?

Ok - I'm trying to look at things the way others see it but i can't. I really can't believe what happened today was just unreal. I guess i can bite back and bite back hard if i really get pushed...but what i don't get is,why did i have the nerve to finally do it? Why didn't i stand up to Tina like that? Wait maybe this was the lesson? Maybe it's shown me not to worry about standing up for yourself? I always used to until...well...and from then on i didn't stand up for nothing. But today the line was crossed. After being called names and how i'm a grade 9 high school drop out and will be alone forever...and then telling people and starting problems and she wonders why i don't want to be her friend or talk to her. And i get a double whammy because all i think about now is Tina...and not obsessively either...more like she is with me in spirit when times get rough...and even good ones...i don;t know, I try not to pay too much attention to it because she left me right? So there really is no point on dwelling...but i can say one thing about it though...anyway my head really hurts and so does my heart...i had things to say but i've just ran out of steam...will check back later...