even sleep and a talk....

Even sleep & a talk doesn't help anymore...not sure how much writing is doing anymore...Mom says I am just tired, my Dad told me not to give in cause if I do it will only get worse for me...so why can't I find the strength anymore? Why do I feel so weak? Can anyone help? Don't get me wrong...I love my kids...to death...they are of my own flesh and blood...but I am afraid if I do come out relatively on top what the repercussions are going to be...and if I do lose...well all I know is it will certainly crush me to the point of losing everything...my job, home, belongings...everything I worked so hard for in life to get and to give...I will have started out as a young thug turned for the better by "someone" and become a respectable hard working individual...back to being a bum...in a blink of an eye...it is the bottom of the ninth...but bases ain't loaded...and down by a run...2 outs...and I am at the plate...what are my odds of getting this into a tie? Can I? ...or am I deluding myself? or...am I right about everything and everyone telling me to hang in there is wrong...there have been so many questions left not answered....so many lies told to hurt...WHY!!!! Why the hatred? Why the hurt? Why the immense suffering? It is not needed, and it does not have to be this way...but it is I guess...and that's why I am not strong anymore...I am weak...I am truly scared of....well we all know who I am afraid of...I don't think I have even been scared of anyone before really...but I am not afraid for stupid reasons...I am afraid for many good ones...I guess the main ones are lies....man if this was done fairly it would have all been over with by now...maybe not the hurting, but it would have been done right and the kids would not have been traumatized...cause I know they are and they hate what's going on...you can see it in their faces...and you can hear it when they speak...they are so scared it's not funny...Good parents know, and can feel...that's why I know...cause I can feel it in them...and there is nothing I can do to stop it...as much as I pray every night for them...I have no power right now to change or help them in anyway...except re assure them when I see them things are ok...but I know, they don't believe it...even at their age...I was told by many people...Police, lawyers, doctors...friends...everyone I talked to and they said there are people out there who do things like this and are sick...not sure the term they meant, but sick is sick I guess...am I sick for not being a fighter? Am I sick for being scared? It's like the boy who cried wolf...but the funny thing is I never cried wolf before, and it just seems my pleads for help are going un answered and the wolf is here...and hungry...so what am I supposed to do? Can anyone out there hear me? Will my prayers be answered? or will I just go without being heard? I feel so sick to my stomach right now it's not funny...I thought my stuff was bad in the begining...i don't think I have ever felt like this before in my life...ever. I should go for now...this is hurting me too much...and it's funny cause i have nothing else to do...and i don't want to sleep cause I am scared of the dreams...I don't want to stay awake cause I cry...Please if anyone out there can save me from this please...I beg you...Help me.

....harder afternoon....

Even this afternoon is hard...engulfed with my thoughts, fears, worries...I just want to give up...I mean as much as I am fighting my hardest to get my kids...I feel like all of it is not worth it...all my work, effort, strength...hope...I even prayed to god...is that why a storm is rolling in? Is he there to answer my prayers? Or am I going to get more bad news to crush me even more? Why? what did I ever really do to deserve this? Wow....that was close...was that a sign for what I just said? That lightening struck very close to the house...So God if you are listening to my prayers, or thoughts...why? why did this happen? if it's me strike me down...if it's not please take away the hurt...I beg of you...take away the hurt from my kids as well...they truly do not deserve it...they never asked for it...put life back on track so everyone can be happy again...we all need it now...everyone of us...I don't think I can take much more hurting...as much as my wall was built for some of it...it is starting to seep through...Is there an angel out there who can save me? The storm is getting bad...I hear firetrucks and ambulances just down the road...I hope no one got hurt...Life is in utter chaos mode right now...like it is unbalanced...and not just with me, but with everyone I talk too...

Hard morning...

Rough morning...all I have to say is, this sucks...why? Still so many questions left unanswered...mind you they are becoming more evident as each day passes...I do wish there was a pill to get over all of this...cause the stinging is still there...but everyone says it's normal...but I don't like it...I don't like hurting and don't like feeling sad...LOL...the funny thing is I guess trust was never really an issue...or was it? I mean I don't want to say too much, but life does not feel the same anymore...nor do I...my self esteem is wearing thin...so is my confidence...but like people have been saying it's normal...I'll have good days and bad ones...and as much as the good days were starting...it feels like the bad ones are creeping back in, and I wish I knew how or had the power to stop it...Blogging was helping...but now there is only certain things I will type for now...But all I know is, there will be more hurt to come...I know this now...reason I know...cause I lost my sunglasses...they meant the world to me since they were Dregan's...they were to big for him when he was younger and the kids broke my other ones..so I wore his...now...they are gone...same with my earrings...all my sense of who i am is going away...or is it? So God if you are listening please help me...help me get over the pain i feel inside...the hurt...I have asked everyone but you...I never wanted to bug you with my petty problems...but now it's to the point where my heart is broken...and it is in a million pieces, and I am scared it will never heal...will it? Can it? Why does love have to be broken? Why do we have to hurt? Why do we for that matter? I am hoping you hear my prayers...I really do...no one in life deserves to feel this way...I know well my wish that I want will never happen...and you know what that wish is since I wish it every night...but if i can get the other wish below that one it may help...sorry for grabing at whatever I can, but I hate feeling like this...I do...and as much as I try and put the best foot forward everyday...but it is not the easiest thing to do...ugghhhhh...I wonder how the kids are...especially today...I miss them so much...i miss the voices...Man if this is a dream wake me up...if it's not take me away from all the hurt and pain...I beg of you...I don't want to be incircled with all of these memories anymore...thinking of the good times hurts extremley...and thinking of the bad does as well...cause some of it was petty, some not...but for sure some yes and could have all been avoided...but i do know now, that it is feutile to hope or pray...I don't know anymore...anyway I think i am gonna go let out some tears...i have been fighting them since I woke up...Please God, I do hope you hear me...

Tomorrow's Outlook...

LOL...ok tomorrows outlook, sunny with a chance of the police...sorry I know I shouldn't laugh at the matter, but almost every 4 days or so they come...and like I have stated throughout all of this, but I never ever did anything wrong to deserve all of it. I think it is starting to become apparent and evident...but only time will tell. My brother is crashing over tonight to keep me company...then i have to drive my mom back to work, then drop of my child support check to the lawyer...come home and do my stuff... ;-) As mentioned from here on in it's a secret...6 days left as of tomorrow. I am nervous, but confident. I know I may not get the whole cake, but I am pretty sure I will get half, if not a little bit more. I am just surprised how many poeple have kicked into high gear for me...can't name anyone as they advised me against it...so we'll just keep it at that. :-) Anyway I have to clean a bit before th gets here so chat later.

Did I mention....

Well I have reposted my stuff, and I am hoping it will remain safe now. I was told they are not obscene, aggressive, or innapropriate...it does show my pain of my loss and nothing more. I know it's over and that will never change...but am I not allowed to feel hurt by it? My main concern is my kids no matter how anyone twists it, or alters the fact...bottome line is I LOVE MY KIDS!!!! On a lighter note...guess what? The doorbell rang again, and guess who it was? LOL...you guessed right... The Police! It was to get the car, and yoga mat...I showed them it was a lease and it would cost me 500$ to take my name off the lease, which I don't have...needless to say it was a nice visit from him since I knew who he was. They left and I went about my evening. I can't wait till this weekend though, it is sure bound to be an exciting one. I have loads to do today, mow the lawn again...I just cut it like 5 days ago...then well...getting things done. :-)

Final post...for now...

Well I can't say I caved...I didn't, but I took down my blogs and saved them...mind you I know copies have been made of them. I did this for a few reasons...first reason is I am sure it will be used against me in the custody hearing against my kids...which in my opinion is unlawful, unethical and immoral. This blog site was intended to help me "RECOVER" from my loss. No matter how the facts get twisted, and not saying by me...all of what is happening and happened since May 3rd...well now I can say probably since March 28th now...is something that shouldn't be happening this way. It was a big help getting over things, and was and is a healthy way to cope and understand and sort through feelings. If it was wrong to do, my doctors, family, friends and the support I have been getting would have all told me my blogs were "to aggressive" or "inappropriate". It goes to show you freedom of speech can still be compromised and twisted...I care for my kids a great deal, and I am a very good father...to those who have seen my blog in the past, you can see. But when facts are twisted, making things look worse then they are, or were...doesn't help. I am or have gone through a separation of nine years...and what I am supposed to be happy about it? am I not allowed to grieve? or try and find acceptance and understanding over it? I guess not since I took my earlier posts down...I guess I am not allowed to feel sad...I know I could still have done so in "Word" or on paper, but I wanted to share with others my life experience, that's all...it was not intended to "Communicate", "Discredit", "Hurt", or even help my case...it was merely to help me move on...but I guess I am not allowed to do that either...I have learned quite a bit in 3 months...it's scary... I have been very passive since everything started since there is no reason for me to be otherwise...but me being attacked I guess in my opinion shows that I am a good father, and I am in the right...because if I was in the wrong, I would have attacked from the get go...so for the record since this post may be used too...I know I am separated, and have known since the 27th of April 2006...so please leave me alone...for those who have been sending me emails like 69 of them in 2hrs...or "80" in 2 days...please let me move on with my life and stop trying to keep me where I am...I don't like the pain or hurting...I just want to move on and be happy in life...I deserve it and so do my kids...I have more then enough proof of that. Once my blogs have been looked over by legal council, and others I will repost everything...untill then Freedom of Speech and my thoughts are silenced...well...on here anyway...I am still blogging in a "Word" document that I can upload after...For those who have given me unconditional support, and praises and prayers thank you...for those who have tried to hurt, silence, tamper and destroy my thoughts, happiness and well being....well....I guess in the end karma has a funny way of rearing it's head...so I offer no ill will towards anyone...until next time...oh if my readers still would like to read my blogs, I can send by email to requesters only...since I am posting them in a word doc.

Pictures the kid's drew for me today.

Ok, well since I am not allowed to take pictures and post them when I see them on Saturdays, I figured posting their drawings would be ok. Sorry if it offends some people seeing how much my kids love me.



(Dregan's Spaceman Picture)

(I drew the mountains and Kiara Colored them in. It looks almost like the drawing I did for them)

(Kiara's I Love You with a train she drew)

BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

Not time to blog just yet...making a few phone calls...but BOOM BOOM!!!!! what a day with my kids. :-) But later on I will let oyu in on the whole scoop...oh yeah by the way...apparently my blogs are aggressive in nature...LOL...yeah ok...and now I am not allowed to take anymore pictuers of my children when I see them. Anyway catch ya later.

Well Tomorrow's here!...but weird dreams...

Well I gotta split in like 45 mins to go see Dre & Kiara. :-) My dreams last night were really odd...Damn...I wanted to write it down on what they were before I forgot, all I can really remember is that there was a lot of chasing, but could not tell who it was...and no it wasn't police...it was as if I was chasing a mirror image of myself...but I don't know why...meh...oh yeah crashing out last night I heard the strangest thing, and I think it's a first too...but I heard a boat using it's "horn" if that's what it's called...there was light fog last night, but not sure if that was the reason...it was like every 5 mins and lasted for about 1/2 hr. Well last nights sleep doesn't compare to the sleep I had the night before...LOL...mind you it's cause I can't wait to see my kids...and on top of that, it should be a rather interesting time there...I am hoping it goes well...it should, but you never know...I read my post from the 20th, and it was funny cause it was almost if I knew what was going to happen before it did...I sent an email to some people of that post so they can read and see how odd it was...but needless to say now I know 99.9% that last weekends switching if times was no coincidence...and the "Doctors Appointment" well....very questionable...I can almost bet you I won't be allowed to see a doctors note...but it's funny, cause that's the reason why the kids didn't show up last Saturday apparently...but it still doesn't make sense, cause if she was sick...and still went to the doctors, then she was fine enough to go...she should have been fine enough to bring the kids to see me...but then again I was "Illegally Detained" 2 lawyers have told me this, and I have also read up on the Canadian Charter of Rights, The Criminal Code, Civil Code, and the Police Code of Ethics...being arrested on a Saturday you don't get a speedy trial since court is closed till the weekday...so I know this was all planned....but it is not bringing my spirits or hopes down at all. The more this goes on the more ammo I have, and the more it looks bad on everyone else...since the only thing I am doing is my regular routine, and waiting patiently to see my kids. Anyway I got to go get ready and find a few things before I go...but I will write and post pics as soon as I get home. Wish me luck, and on the off chance I don't post anything or write...well we all know where I am...LOL..I shouldn't laugh, but as I have always stated I have never been a criminal, nor have I ever done anything criminal towards anyone...and people know that...I just find it funny that ever since I see my kids for the first time on May 6th, that's all that seems to be happening to me for no reason. Anyway see ya soon! :-)

Can't Wait! Tomorrow is almost here! :-)

I got Dre his little surprise. :-) It's a Yu-Gi-Oh game for his Gameboy Advance SP, it also comes with 3 Limited Edition Official Game Cards...and Kiara's Gift well...I know she is gonna love it. I am ordering pizza for lunch for them tomorrow...so it should be a very fun day. I will for sure crash out early tonight. Mind you I am extremly happy and excited for tomorrow...as well as some break throughs that happened just before supper. :-) But that is my little secret for now :-P Things are actually coming together, oh yeah I even got an email back from Google tonight, so even that is amazing. I just never wanted it to get this big or even be this big...people who know me know I hate negativity, fighting...the works...but i guess I have to do what I have to do in the best interest of my kids. I love them to death, and all i want is for them to be happy in life and not be scarred by all of this.

Going out now...

Well I am off to get a few things for the kids tomorrow. I have Kiara's B-Day gift, but I want to get something for Dre too...I am ordering Pizza for them tomorrow for a surprise lunch :-) I am sure they are gonna love it. I will take more pics and post them tomorrow. I honestly can't wait...it's been 2 weeks not seeing them and I am super anxious...but I am a little worried how they are gonna be. But pictures are worth a thousand words...and it would be funny to see their feelings change that fast...I mean the first two visits they did not want to leave...and I have pictures to show how close we were...if things are different this time...well we know why...I am not gonna explain it on here for the time being...I'll write more later.

Video clips of the Kids

(If using Firefox as a browser, double click on the movie to play.)

Dre's 8th Birthday







Kiara on the Monkey bars

My life & feelings through music

These are some songs that fit my life & feelings. The last one I made, well...edited it to complete the sequence...but it is one of the biggest memories (True Romance), and says alot of how the first day of my nine years started...The Eminem songs are for my kids...even though it's only speaks of Halie, it is the spirit of the songs that make me think and feel for both of my babies.


Eminem - When I'm Gone



Eminem - Mockingbird


Eminem - Halies Song


Eminem - How Come


=+=BrOnX=+= - True Romance

First real good night sleep...

Well last night was my first real good night sleep...if you can call it that, almost 12hrs...mind you it has been a rollercoaster for the past week. I have to go out later to get a few things for the kids for tomorrow. Mom freaked out last night cause I wasn't home when she called, and she thought I was in jail again...LOL...she even had my brother call here, so needless to say I had a whack load of voice mails when I got home. Oh by the way, I am not changing sites...doing that only let's whoever is messing with my site only the satisfaction...even though if I changed it they wouldn't find it, I would rather stand my ground...I just hope one day soon, my wish comes true...and I wake up from this nightmare...I hate the stinging I feel...I know it will never go away...cause my heart is and was crushed...because my kids aren't here and others...ughhh...ok anyway I have things to do...but I am adding a music post later..hope you enjoy.

Can't describe....

I went out tonight...actually I was pulled out...The night was cool, and it was the first time I have been in a social setting being single...I hated it at first, actually I hated the feeling...I did actually get my mind off of it...but at times it would creep back in. It was odd, because as soon as I left...the vail came over me again....no one is gonna be there...I am trying to express myself without "Breaking Conditions"...because having an empty void is hard to just write without expressing everything...As I was driving home I stayed behind a truck the whole way...and thinks why this has turned to hatred towards me so fast...there was never hatred no matter what was thought...and I guess that's what hurts the most...I hate this....all of it...I miss my kids like you wouldn't believe...I also miss other things to...I still can't believe it, it's like it's a dream but obviously it's not...but being on my own for a while now has given me a hugh different perspective of myself, life...I am sure it has too for others...man I miss hearing the kids...it's funny though, cause at that critical moment in time...there was a tear...a fork in the road...left or right...one way would have had an outcome like this...had I had check first about the whole "Dating Web Site" problem first...I wouldn't be blogging right now...But since I didn't check...right there is when life through in it's tests...I failed...I am really hard on myself for it...but will not stop defending myself...I do have a heart, and it is known that I do...I have been told it takes a while sometimes to really move on and let go fully...especially since life wasn't all that bad, but took a issue of mistrust...or not having it, which ultimately destroyed everything...Man, even now blogging...so many thoughts...so many worries...I am mad at what influences helped fuel this raging fire...when pictures of happiness are drowned out by the inferno of hatred...while standing in the middle of that fire are two innocent children who really don't know what to do...it's scary...If I had one wish...I would go back to Dregan's Birthday...that's all...but wishes don't come true I guess...I never wanted or thought it would end this way if it did...ugghh..I gotta stop I am not focused...trying to blurt everything out at once...but I gotta make sure I respect my conditions. So I am gonna go for a bit...but when I sort my thoughts out I will come back to it...

Too freaking funny....I feel so special...

Ok, this is too funny...LOL..Blogger.com helped me "unspam" this site...and no more then 5 minutes later, someone flagged it again as spam...LOL...it seems someone has a little too much time on their hands...but again, they are on it as I sent them an email letting them know about it again, so they should be looking into it. Look who ever you are, it's not a big deal for me to type 6 letters for a word verification to post...you are not affecting me in the least bit...whatever yo destroy I will only rebuild...my patience is not wearing thin...infact I am finding this rather funny...the more done to it, the better for me. It kinda suck for oyto have to sit there and "Watch" my postings...or try and mess it up...LOL....too funny. :-)

New site made....

I will be sending out my new site address. I ahve taken all the posts and will be adding new ones going forward. I have been hacked into and I am not pleased. . It's a shame "someone" and I am sure you know who you are...has the nerve to destroy and harrass me the way they have...but it is all coming to an end very soon. I contimplated not pressing charges if the person came forward to ease my mind...but now after waking up and the links to my kids photo albums were deleted as well as links to thier pictures I had just about had enough. The police have seen the emails, and they know of the situation. Man as much as this is just an annoyance, why would someone think it would bother me to the point of breaking? I am just more determined to get my kids back period. I really can't wait for the person to be unmasked and to find out who it is, because it is also a cyber crime from what I heard, not sure how sever the crime is but hey...I ahve been doing things around here to keep myself busy and to make sure things are neat and tody for my children. Who ever it is I am sure is a little worried by now...I hope so because I never deserved this nor did I do anything wrong for them to try and hurt me this way....but again it hasn't phased me. I will email all who have and continue to read my blogs and offer thier support so they may continue to read what is going on in my life. But I am sur another wave will hit as I have predicted all of them.

Thank you, and my apologies....

I wanted to take the time to say thank you for all the support I have recieved over the past weeks...it is very much appreciated, and I also want to apologize for any inconvience relating to my issue this may have caused anyone. It is just s shame people would use my Blogs to gain, and to hurt me any way they can...well they are trying but it won't work. No matter what they seem to think they can prove. My Blogs in short were a way to sort my thoughts out in this mess in my life and try to come to an understanding why all of this happened. My main concern is the welbeing of my children, but also in a small portion I was sad I lost a great family. There is no shame nor a "Crime" to be sadden by the loss of family...they are trying to make it look like I am obbsessed...but the world we live in today families break up to easy...and it is the kids who suffer in the end...they have no idea what's going on...and they love their parents unconditionally...and when they go through something like this, down the road they think that's the way...Parents are the ones who are supposed to instill values in thier children...not show them hatred or resentment...when children are that young they are impressionable and learn everything from us...this is why there is so many problems with children today...parents have to learn not to use the children no matter what, because the problems are not with the kids...but the parents themselves...I had to write this because I felt it was right and no harm in it...So parents out there...if it so happens that you separate for some reason...think of the kids first...do not be selfish...it does scar them...believe me. The vicious circle has to stop...

LOL...got to change the door bell

Ok I seriously have to change that doorbell...everytime it rings I think it's the police again wanting to escort me off for "something else" Meh...it's not that i am scared or anything since again I have never done anything criminal, nor will i "EVER"...it's more of an annoyance then anything. I was supposed to go to my grandparents but I have so much to do and prepare for...almost there, but I want to be 100% organized. Anyway I am off to make some supper, and watch TV...ummmm well movies! Since cable is gone for now...I called for satellite so I may be doing that instead.

Got most of...

Well I got most of the stuff done I needed to...little kitten monsters knocked over a plant and the dirt went everywhere...LOL...meh it's all good though. I got to go now and see my Mom...i don't think I have ever seen her like this before, mind you stress has it's way with you. I may go and have supper at my grandparents tonight. That should be a treat. :-) Come home wash up and crash out!!! My sleep is a little messed up due to the events over the past few days..but i am sure by the weekend I'll catch up on it. Anyway I have to get going now, just felt like jotting down how my day was...things are really starting to pan out now...Thank god! I'll chat more later if i can.

Tracked!

Well thank you all for those nice comments about my PERSONAL ONLINE DIARY! IP has been captured and now being tracked. I am pressing full charges on those responsible. I don't mind if I get encouraging emails of support which I have been getting, but these emails are not of encouragement...it is to scare me and intimidate me. It's not working. So feel free to continue to do so, the more I get the more I have a case and as of now I have over 41 emails, and all are with in seconds of one and other. Nice try by trying to cover your tracks...but I guess you didn't know I am good with computers, and no matter how hard you try you always leave a trail...no matter what. I am a good father and not a criminal and "I WILL" see my children this weekend. It's a shame someone would do something like this to try and scare me off...but it's not working. And whom ever is reading this now, thank you...I mean it...thank you for going overboard. Makes my case even stronger.

What a day...

4 more days till I see my babies! I can't wait. Mind you I am taking a well deserved break from all of this. I may take a trip and stay with my mom out in the country. Mind you I will have them pick me up and bring me there since I have to conserve money. Gas is just nuts expensive. Anyway I thank you all for you comments!! Keep them coming! It makes me want to just blog my heart out...LOL..well not all of it. ;-)

Last post for now...

Well this is my last post for now since most of my posts were apparently "Breaching" my conditions. I won't get into details just now except for the fact I cannot be arrested again for the same thing...so I am going to try and keep this short and sweet until I speak with my lawyer tomorrow. So basically I was in jail "again" for false accusations...no biggie, because I did no wrong, and I think they are starting to see it now. When I got home I got informed more over from other police officers as well as many criminal lawyers...and what I found out didn't really surprise me at all...this was mainly to keep me from seeing my kids...but it's ok, because I will see them next weekend and it is going to be a double surprise for my babies. :-) My spirits have not been broken, and I will continue to fight for them back...I am however moving my complete blog to another offsite, since someone people are trying to use it against me. I am not doing this because I am afraid, but even though I re-read my conditions it does not even state certain things I was told by a certain someone who charged me...also my blogs are being monitored by this person as well as his colleagues...I am not going to be intimidated or scared off...since I have done nothing wrong. But now is the time where I lay out all my cards on the table...I am sure everyone outside of my circle will be quite surprised and astonished and should close everything up quite fast. I have also taken precautions to keep all my info hidden offsite from my home to where it is safe in case anything does happen to me again. It is people who fear who attack this hard...and people who keep going are the people who are not in the wrong. I will one day tell my story of what happened, but right now my babies come first...oh and for "those" who are reading it...thanks for the compliment on how "pretty" my site looks, and I will keep working on it :-) My children are my pride and joy of my life and nothing more. I guess it just sucks that no one is safe and freedom of speech can be construed and taken out of context and used against you...so this is why it's my last post for a bit...or until I know I am allowed to continue to what extent...I care for my babies too much for them to lose their Daddy, which almost happened, since I was rushed to the hospital due to my heart...anyway I want to shower and get a good night sleep...sleeping in a cell on a hard wooden bench for 2 1/2 days isn't good for your back...LOL. Dregan & Kiara, Daddy is really sorry he missed you on Saturday...you were all that I thought about...but Daddy has a very big surprise for both of you next weekend. I love you both very much

Daddy!
:-)

My Rebirth?

Well I got my hair done tonight...and it was the first time in 9 years anyone else has touched my hair really besides Tina...I didn't like it...it didn't feel right...I guess cause Tina always knew how to cut my hair...but all in all I look good and I was surprised. I look much better, clean cut, healthy...I get to see my babies tomorrow, but only @ 12:30 cause apparently Tina has a Dr's appointment...whatever...I don't mind...it gives me time to pick up Dregans treat...I also went to McDonald's and got them each a toy...man the toys are really starting to suck...but it is the thought that counts. I am sure they are going to be happy tomorrow...then I come back and clean house. Anyway, I am actually gonna crash out tonight early...and while I am in a good mood and not so down...I almost want to sleep in a upright position cause my hair looks perfect and I don't want to mess it up. :-) Hey I actually smiled...LOL...and laughed...damn...that's cool....but as always it may be short lived...she may pull something else out of her hat to hurt me more...I figured that out now...it's all about how much she can hurt me...I really don't care what kind of proof she thinks she has over me, cause I know there is none...she is "Playing" the victim, and like people have said...lies catch up with people...no matter who they are...that's why I am going to start to calm down now...cause I really don't have anything to worry about at all...I guess it's the stinging and hurting that is driving me up the wall.

Now I know....

Now I know her mom has a lot to do with this...a little bird told me...and to top it all off she filed charges against me the same day I got custody papers...I am an emotional wreck now...and I also found out her family members lied to me to my face...again a little bird told me and I know. I am waiting for a call back from a lawyer...I have had enough of the lies, and I am not going to let myself be dragged through the mud...I will expose her lies...I am sorry Tina...but the advice and "support" you have been given was wrong...I know in the end you'll realize it...but again I am not letting you kill me like you have always wanted to...Remember Tina? Remember how many times you told me you wish I was dead because if your own insecurities? I know you do...and that's why I have had enough...GAME OVER

So many thoughts....

Well this morning is a little better...mind you I couldn't fall asleep till about 4:30am...had more dreams, but this time they were weird...I dreamt someone came to my rescue...emotionally, spiritually, physically...so needless to say I woke up in a little bit of a better mood. One thing I did come to the conclusion on...if Tina were to be able to be on her own to think...without outside people influencing her, things may have been different...I have been alone all this time with out side support yes...but none have pushed me or told me to leave her or to give up...they do feel what she has done is wrong...but they also say it is noble for me to not turn my back on her even though she is trying to decimate me...It stings...that is the word I have been trying to find...but her being gone with my kids stings every time I think about it...I guess I never really knew her then...I guess she was someone I never knew well...for her to to something like this...maybe it was her intention all along...just waiting for the right time to strike and poison me with her venom to try and kill me. Anyway I have a lot to do today and a lot of driving...see my brother...go to work...get Dregan & Kiara something for Saturday...come home clean...get the place ready...Man...at least I am keeping myself occupied...anyway I do have to start getting ready. But a saying comes to mind about me right now...especially after another wave from Tina...and it goes like this:

The phoenix will be consumed in the flames, but will be reborn out of the ashes."

There goes cable...

Well there is the next wave....she cut my cable even after telling them to switch the account into my name...GAMES!!!! nothing but games.....Well Tina sorry, but i am not playing...but i am going to finish it right now once and for all...I am tired of hurting and tired of you using my children in your stupid and selfish games...I am fed up...I am not going to let you hurt me anymore or the kids, nor do I care if you ever come back...even if you realize that you made a mistake...but one thing is for damn sure "YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY KIDS AWAY"! Try your best, because my gloves are off and I am coming out fighting...

Sometimes I just wanna scream....

Somtimes I just feel like screaming...just like in the original Superman movie...when Superman finds Lois Lane dead in her car after the whole world starts going to hell...I just want to turn back time to March 5th....before all of this happened...but know clearly what could potentially happen...and do my best to avoid it ever happening...I am such a case it's not funny...as much as I am trying everything in my power to move on, it is virtually impossible...my anger was short lived though...I guess cause I am not an angry person...I gave everything to my family, I got us out of the hole in the ground we called a home...even though Tina found this place I had to work hard everyday to get us to where we got...I guess one of my sayings is dead on the money...live life to the fullest cause you never know what might happen next...it's almost that time again for me to go to sleep...I have a prescription from the doctor for sleeping pills, but couldn't get them today...God why am I being tortured?!?!?! When I haven't done anything wrong!?! All I ever asked for was the truth, and answers...and someone that can be here for me through this very dark period in my life...even though i am gaining supporters, and am being flooded with emails, i need someone here, in person, who can unconditionally understand, care, and reassure me that life will get better, and my babies will come home. I know a lot of people are praying for me everynight...but does prayers really help? I am not trying to sound selfish at all, but is God listening? Or is this the road to where life will get better? Why don't I see the good at the end? Why is my vision clouded? Why am I holding on to Tina when she is stopping at nothing to destroy me? I am far from being suicidal, but there are times where I wish my body were to give up while i sleep...but then I sit and think of my babies Dregan & Kiara, and know without Daddy they will never turn out right...I even asked the doctor today if there was a pill to get rid of the pain, and kinda smirk and said unfortunatley no...he was concerend about my weight loss, since it was rather drastic, and my lack of sleep...

Another hurdle cleared....

Well yet again I cleared another hurdle...my landlord came over to look things over and to see if I would be able to manage things here. She had no complaints and was I think somewhat surprised of how well things were kept. I am sure she was thinking that the place was gonna be upside down and gross looking...but that ain't my style. I think I am getting sick though...I slept 7 hrs last night...and 2 hrs this afternoon, but I don't feel right...I feel like I have no energy at all...yeah I know, stress, depression...all of it are starting to affect me now....if someone out there can hear me "HELP"!!! Anyway this was just a short entry, so i'll be back probably later on.

Anger....

Well today was the first day I actually got angry for everything that has happened...first it started off as the worst sadness I have ever felt to date...listening to a song at the doctors office and seeing my whole life with my family flash before my eyes...even when I look in the mirror I do not see happiness in them...just total sadness...it's something I don't think I could hide from people even if I tried. I cam e home and crashed out @ 3:30pm and slept for a couple of hours, and again the dreams were there...but this time the people who were in it were hiding things from me...then I woke up feeling angry...like the whole world knows and knew what was going on and it was all done behind my back...in fact someone was reading a letter Tina had wrote in my dreams, and it stated those things...My anger is not directed towards anyone imparticular, but I feel it for the first time...I don't like it...are these one of the many emotions I am supposed to feel? I ate and went out to mow the lawn and all I could see were daddies and their children taking a walk since the rain stopped and the sun came out...I could even almost see Dregan and Kiara helping rake and clean up the lawn after I finished mowing it...I don't know what I will do tonight...My doctor said I should sleep, but I told him my fears...and he even told me he has seen more cases of what I am going through then he likes to admit...it even happened to some of his friends who are doctors...go figure...he felt very bad for me...but unfortunately I live in a place where if a woman says anything like "He Hit Me" or anything along those lines they are believed instantly without question, then their allegations are solidified by feminist social workers...so in the end men always lose....but then there is me...I may have no strength right now to fight back...but the amount of info I have about Tina should be enough to discredit her...not destroy her like she is me, because I would only be playing her game, and I do not want to have my children look at their mommy in that way...this is between her and I...They need their mommy regardless...I don't quit...I will only quit when I have lost everything, and put behind bars for crimes I never committed....because then is the only time when hope has run out. I miss you both so much Dre and my Princess Kiara...2 more days till Daddy sees you again!

Early rise...

I woke up early this morning...mind you the kittens had a role in it too...I added a donations button to the site to help pay for the legal fees that I am about to incur over this. It was an idea I got from a reader. Anything anyone can donate would help my cause and for sure help me retain a lawyer since I have been doing this all on my own. First time I went into court I did it all by myself, and it's not that I don't have the confidence that I can do it, but with all the new info that can help me get them back and home safely, I would rather a lawyer help me on this one round. I have done a lot of reading on our legal system and how things work...But i'm no lawyer. But I do know I have the proper info to help my cause. So I pray and hope I can get the help I need to do this...anything will be much appreciated. I will post the button to the bottom of this post...the main one is at the top. Today is going to be a busy one, a lot of phone calls and places to go...and mild cleaning...odds and ends. I wonder how my babies are doing? I am so tired and drained...I just want to go back to sleep...mind you the dreams weren't all that bad last night...from what I can remember of them...But even 7 hrs of sleep I feel like I have been up all night. One thing I wish I could get back is my humor...or just to laugh one time...I haven't been able to in 2 months...let alone make someone else laugh and smile...will I ever find myself again? I know once my babies come back to me I will...because they are from me...they are my flesh and blood...so I guess I just answered myself on that question. So if God can hear me, and if others can hear me, please help bring my babies home.

It's still there...

So my mornings are rough after my dreams...I got what I had to get accomplished today...well most of it. I got my papers from Lakeshore which helped...I also called unemployment since all of this has made me unable to work for the time being...too much stress and not knowing if I will ever see my babies again. Went to my therapist, and that went well...she was shocked to hear the events that unfolded after I saw Dregan & Kiara. She was very surprised I have not broken yet, but she says it looks and sounds like I have gotten stronger...maybe so...but she does see how sad I truly am...and knowing all the lies that are being told to hurt me...My next session with her is to find out why I am still caring for someone who is out to hurt me so bad...why I still deep down love Tina. She knows it's not an obsession, but deep true love...because I said to her; on the off chance Tina's reality was twisted while she was gone, I cannot just turn my back on her...but if she left out of spite and if there were other motives behind it, then well would I be stupid to still love her? I don't even want to think that, but in the end it's probably the case...but even to this day I have been forever loyal and faithful...and will probably be forever...I could never replace her, nor would anyone fit her shoes...she was unique, and she was the only person I ever felt comfortable with...so for what it's worth, and if you are reading this Tina...I am sorry for whatever you think I have done wrong...but you know I never ever hurt you, hit you or even had the desire to...it's a shame you twisted your faults into mine, and dragged the whole world into your dream...and still I love you and care for your well being...anyway I went and saw my mom at her friends house to pick up a few things, one being a gift for Kiara's B-Day, she is gonna love it...it is a pink Jacket with Princess written on it and her favorite princess characters on the back, with a matching hair elastic...she also got a Teddy bear with a Hershey kiss in the middle of it 's belly...and I know she will love that as well...I am going to pick her up one more thing and a game for Dregan...even though it was her birthday I do not want to leave him out...we then sat and talked...then came home...I am dreading going to sleep but it is going to be a big day tomorrow...I wish in separation they gave you a pill to forget...to help you get over it right away...but I guess that's in a perfect world right? So tomorrow I have to go to the doctors, get my note, drive to work to drop it off...come home make some calls that are important, call my lawyer...give her all the stuff that I have been able to get...then meet with my landlord, which is not going to be fun...but I refuse to let her push me out, and I also refuse to let her look at me as if I am the bad one in all of this...because I am not...Tina again has made false accusations and put me down...Man this is the hardest fight I even had to do...I do feel emotionally drained...but as each day passes it gets a little better...my drive are my kids, because I want to see them play in the backyard again...hear them playing, just being with them...why did life take all 3 away? Why is this happening? Anyone out there know the answer? if so I would love to hear it...anyway I am gonna go try and eat something...I am kinda hungry...I'll end up on here again, but figure I would write down what happened today.

I got something else now!

Maybe my luck is changing for the better...I got my psychiatric file from Lakeshore today, and boy does it clearly show a pattern...and it does show and state the abusiveness towards me by her. Not my words, but the doctors...and not just one either. The file goes back to 2001. But it clearly shows her abusiveness on calling the police for nothing...now comes the phone calls...I have so many to do now...i'll get back after to let you know where I have gotten to. I am coming Dregan & Kiara, Daddy is on his way!

Are things looking up?...or is it the calm before the storm?

My file from Lakeshore is ready...and I am hoping this will also prove her allegations are completely false...normally they said it takes 4 weeks to pull the file and costs money...they did it in 2 days and it is free. This is the file that was made when she called the police on me the last time for nothing and had me evaluated, and it was also the same time the Doctor gave me the card that states to have the police call a psycho therapist next time and have her removed from the home to have her evaluated for false allegations. So I am eating now and gonna boot over there and get it...I also talked with Jess...not the one helping me, but a name from the past...and it's kinda scary, because her and her friend Lisa I knew just before I met Tina...is time going backwards?...again now my mind is running a mile a minute with thoughts...I hope I can be the one who changes the way life is and the life for children. They are truly the only ones who cannot defend themselves and speak out against any of it...I am a lone soldier fighting against an army...odds stacked against me...while the world watches and holds their breath...this is truly the biggest fight I have ever had to face...When Tina and I were together, we always said it was us against the world, because the world always threw problems at us...now it is me...alone...but this time it's not the world throwing problems at me...it is her and the people she is being influenced by...the reason I know their are people influencing her to a degree, is because there are some things she has not done, and overlooked about herself that I have seen without talking to her or seeing her...and some of those things were her passion. I know it sounds stupid, but if there ever was a chance for us to reconcile and bring this family back together I would...but it would not be the same...I know, but I think we would have a better understanding where we both stand, and a better grip on reality for us and our children...but again I am 99.9% sure it won't happen...anyway I have to get cleaned up and go. Once I read over the report I will write if there is anything interesting that can help my cause.

Please make the dreams stop...

I am begging anyone, please make the dreams stop!!! I honestly can't take this...I'll do anything to make them go away...am I being cursed? I just don't know anymore...but even in my dreams I am in pain...I am not looking for pity, but just understanding why. Does everyone else go through this? Today I have a lot to get done...but I don't know where to start. Like I said to my Dad, the reason why it's been constantly raining is because the world is sad, my world is sad...the things that have happened should not have happened this way...sorry if I am always on this, but no matter who I talk to or what I do, inside my heart I feel it's wrong...I feel everything being done is wrong...at one point my heart said to wait...give it time...even though the damage was to the extent of non repair...but why? I could be just setting myself up for more hurt...and quite honestly I probably am. Why am I crucifying myself? I just wish one of 3 things happen for me...(1) My family comes home (99.9% sure that won't happen) (2) Someone rescues me and my soul. (3) Me being able to find the rest of my strength to move on. It's funny cause she had no trust in me...or lack of. Then why have I been and will always remain loyal and faithful even though we are separated? Life can be funny and cruel all in the same shot. But only god knows that, and only he knows what my true fate will be. I guess I am still scared of her...scared of what she will say or do if I move on and try to be happy...just like if I went to a friends house after work...I was scared and afraid of her being mad at me...I am hanging by a mere thread...literally...trying to keep myself from falling into a dark abyss never to return...to lose utterly everything...one of my readers just added me to their MSN. I am completley shocked on the amount of support i am getting...to bad it won't help me get my babies back though. If all of this support could help, well I would have no worries...but my main worry is my kids at this point...they brought so much happiness to my life...especially when i would come home from work and hear them say "Daddy's home" There is nothing more in the world more heart warming. With all of the stuff I have to prove not only am I a good father, but to also discredit Tina's creditbility...why am I not going on the attack? Maybe it is in my nature to "Not Hurt People" I hope Ancient Clown is right about the gift beyond the problem...I am looking and still hoping.

Kiara's I Love You

This is what broke me down at work. It happened when I tried going back after 2 weeks into my Family leaving me. I accidentally bumped it and it went off. Click here and when you see the picture try and keep the cursor away for the first few seconds...not sure why the coding is off, but you will get the idea...then you will understand why I broke.

Now what do I do?

What do I do now? I am afraid to sleep because of my dreams...I am afraid to stay awake because I am thinking to much...I just don't know what to do...I think it is the loneliness when it's late at night...well it is only around 11pm...I hate this feeling of emptiness...will I be saved? Why do I still pray for what will never be? Why do I hope for it as well? Is my heart to big for me? I thought about putting the family website I made when they first left in March...but I think it would hurt me too much to do it...actually I know...I guess I am just torturing myself, but why? Are these some of the questions we all face in life? This really bothers me...why now in my life can I not overcome and answer questions I would normally be able to answer? I wish I was able to shut off my feelings for good...not for my children...but I mean the hurt I am constantly feeling...I know in time I will get better, like I have been...but why do things take so long?...ugghhh, I guess I am just over tired...and like I said I am dreading going to sleep...but there is nothing for me to do staying awake...except write my thoughts...I read on here I could actually write a "Blog Book" of sorts...I may...My Dad said he liked what I wrote, and to never erase it...so I just might write a story on day 1 of how everything began...You know, just before someone dies, but still lives...they say they see their life flash before their eyes...I get it daily...since April 27th...the day of the papers...From the first kiss, to the birth of my children, to the end of a family...I wish there was someone out there who can stop this nightmare and bring a family back together...but at this point in the game I am sure it is virtually 100% impossible. So if someone can answer this question for me...Why do I want to bring my family back together? especially after the amount of pain that was imposed on me? I sound like a little child, always asking why...Is there someone out there who can save me? or my soul? Are my hopes unwarranted? Is it wrong to hope that one day we can be a family despite all of things that have happened? Some day's I wish I was a cruel person who hated, and didn't have a heart...because it would be easy for me to not hurt anymore...because I would not care. But I guess I was born to care...Life is just so unreal...and maybe because of all of this I am in a depression...not denial anymore but serious depression...I posted new links of recent pictures of me and my babies...theone and only thing that keeps me smiling...I am going to try and post something that made me break down at work...it was a picture Kiara drew for me and it was in a frame where you can record a voice...I accidentally bumped it one day at work, and everyone stared...I felt them...and I went and cried like a baby. If it works you will understand why.

Is resentment allowed?...is it wrong?

Well my place looks freaking amazing...still minor touch ups here and there but it looks 100% better. Thanks to Jess & Kristy. As much as cleaning is both a guy and a girls thing, a woman's touch is always a plus. As I was cleaning though I saw pictures of how things were and used to be...and made me sad at first, but then I felt a huge feeling of resentment towards Tina...because I know soon there will be another wave that she will try and throw at me...it is inevitable...But it's not totally resentment towards her, but towards the people who pushed her to do this...as much as a lot of people feel it's all her, part of my heart does not think so...it's not denial because I know she is never coming back, but I think others made her see things in a twisted reality...it's sad, because when I was looking at some pictures of her and the kids, she looked like a very innocent caring mother who was happy...and the person I saw in court looked like the devil himself...she did not look so innocent anymore, she looked full of hatred. Her eyes and gaze were like ice...and since I am and was the passive one, I bowed my head like a dog would to his scolding master. This is why I have been saying she took everything from me...not just my children whom I would die for...but everything about me...and she knows that, and I am sure she is laughing and happy she did...but one thing she did not take from me...and that is my pride and determination...sure I am still very much down about all of this...but as each day passes, I am getting stronger...and that is something I know she is afraid of and that she does not want that....because if I do get stronger, she won't be able to destroy me like she is set out to do...this is why I am feeling resentment towards her...but I feel bad for feeling that way...am I wrong to resent? or am I wrong to not resent? I was telling Jess & Kristy, I am still an empty shell...How long does it take to heal? People say I will, but why do I feel as if it is the end for me? One day I am going to create a blog apart from this one and tell the whole story from beginning to end...it is a good story to hear, and a sad one to finish...but within it there is romance, challenges, pain, love almost every emotion that a human can experience...I guess the reason now why I am hurting more then I did the first month and a half, is because I had hope...but after the papers were handed to me, it died with the rest of me...My determination grows each day to get my children back...I am not scared of anything anymore because essentially I have lost everything...except the love from my babies...as she said in many statements in her motion for custody, my children are afraid of me...they do not wish to see me...everytime they see a black car they are scared it's me...then when I did see them, they did not want to leave me...that is what is driving me...and I know Tina hates it and it is eating her up inside because in the end people will see she lied about everything...so the only way to try and win is by hurting me every chance she gets. I doubt she even knows I blog now...and in a way I hope she does, I hope she reads this and sees what she has done and how she did it was wrong...and the only people it's hurting really is the children...and that is a fact. I have always believed, never use the kids against one and other...if their is a problem between her and I...it is between her and I only...and I have never in my life thought about using the kids against her...so I know from all the support from not only family, friends...but even people around the world reading these...even though I have the highest mountain to climb, and the thickest walls to break through, I know in the end I will come out on top...

One email is all it takes...

The strangest and nicest thing happened. I guess people do read my blogs. I was sent an email from a very nice person from the Philippines, and as much as I want to share what she wrote, unless I get her permission I will keep it to myself. But I thank her with all my heart for her words. It is making the day easier to do. I did realize something...children when they are young have a natural instinct build within them...and they know who the good people are and the ones who aren't. Jess and her friend came over yesterday to get me back on my feet and get organized...her daughter was attached to my hip for most of the time, and from what I have been told, she is not like that at all...even my 4 cats are the same...and we all know animals are the best for knowing who is nice and who is not. But even though I know we will never ever be a family again, the one thing that still tears me apart in side is one thing...and it was something my dad told me as I was growing up and when we argued...he said "Never go to sleep angry, because you may never get a chance to say sorry, or I love you" That would live with you for the rest of your life....and life is just way too short. So we never did. Why is my heart so big? Why do I care so much? Is it normal? Is it wrong? Even though I am about to turn 30, I feel like a new born to the world....everything is new and understanding it is hard.

Dreams.......

When will my dreams of her stop? Why are they so intense...I crashed out last night at around 1am, and slept hard. The dreams were very intense and very emotional. I am very down this morning. My heart goes out to every man and woman who has ever had to face what I am facing now...because I know their are times where there is always someone who still has an undying love even though the other one doesn't. Why do I still love her? Is it normal? Even after all of the hurtful things she has done? Am I a sucker for abuse? The only words I heard her spoke in my dream was "I am going to a tank top party" yes I know it is way out there, but it is what was said. I am not building my wall fast enough...maybe cause I don't want to...but I don't want to get even more hurt...this morning is a rough one...maybe that's why it's been raining so much...because of all the hurt and sadness going on. I guess the thought that is crossing my mind right now is, before all of this happened I was never scared about facing a problem...so why am I scared now? Even though I am not in the wrong. I know I could move on if I really wanted to...I think...but why am I holding back? The dreams really messed me up...I just still can't believe she stopped loving me just like that...even after her words which will forever be etched in my heart. I don't think I will ever forget them...and they maybe the last words I will breath before I pass on of old age...they are words I don't think anyone can forget, because they had so much love behind them...anyway I have to stop writing...I am about to break down...and I can't do that today. I'll let you know of any updates and how my day went.

And the seams are starting to rip....

Bit by bit the seams are coming undone...I don't want to say right now what I did, but it will for sure question her credibility. I did nothing illegal, and was well within the boundaries...if I wasn't I would not have received the information I needed. They were understanding at first, but I was unable to record the first phone call, so when I called back they were mildly frustrated...I would be too...but like the lady said she felt sorry for me...It had to be done...So one by one I am picking apart the lies and showing the truth...but will it really help in the end?

Truth always hurts....and then some...

Well I did what I had to do today....I never thought I would have the nerve or strength...But at the request/statement of a lawyer I had to press formal charges against her. I felt sick because I never wanted the truth to get out...ever...I always felt and figured I could hide it and keep it secret...and protect her. Even when I had to sign on the bottom I was shaking...Literally...the police officer saw my pain and she put her hand on my shoulder and said it is the right thing to do and would be ok...I mumbled my last caring/loving words to her by saying "Sorry Tina"...even now I want to break down and cry...but like the lawyer said, she is trying to make me look like a jackass...and the truth has to come out no question. It will come down to her word against mine, but I don't fear it...because I never ever in my life hit her or was physically abusive, and she knows that. She is trying her hardest to keep me from my kids...and I will not give up, especially on them. I just can't believe after nine years this is how it would end...I even said that to the police officer...it's like I don't know her anymore...as much as I am getting my friends back...I still feel utterly alone...most people think in the end I will come out on top...but the mountain is pretty steep and the hurdles will start getting tougher to clear...but I got this far right? As much as she has been the physical one in the relationship, I have always tried to protect her no matter what, even lie for her...even if it meant I get hurt for it. But I have to protect myself...not defend but protect myself...there is a difference...since I have not done anything wrong, I am protecting myself, but if I did something that needs to be defended then I am defending myself....I have to protect myself from false accusations, ones that can seriously jeopardize my safety and well being...and not just for me but for my kids. This nightmare is still not over....In fact she will try and do more hurtful things to me...let her...cause it will show she is a hater and not a person who cares about her children...I am not saying she doesn't, but the more she focuses on me and, trying to kill me in every sense they will see that she is only out for vengeance...why? Maybe she is scared...who knows...but she has no reason to be and she knows that. Things are starting to set in now...sorry sink in...it sucks and I know there is nothing I can do about it, except put all my energy towards my children...so they can have a life they deserve, and always needed. This is the first time in my life where I truly feel I could never look at her again for what she has tried to do to me...I sit and think what it would be like to get a chance to sit and talk with her....I get sick thinking about it...I am sure she will stop at nothing until I lose...but most people are betting on me. So now I have 2 weeks to get my strength back...today was one of the first days where I felt normal...like I used to be...but that was before the police station...now i feel totaly drained. I may write more but I may just pass out.

Waking up....

Well waking up was a little eaiser today...odd enough. Now I am heading out to get my Dr's note from Lakeshore, and picking up Jesse. I did call a lawyer this morning and he said to me charges like this can and would easily be dismissed. And he even agreed he credibility is shot to a degree, and that the judge will look at that. It was rather amusing, cause I have always said all of this is like a game of chess, it's a stretegy, and you have to make sure you move the right piece at the right time. Anyway I better get ready and out the door, I have a lot of work to do...and if i am gonna win anything I have to be ready.

My Princess Kiara's Birthday

Happy Birthday
My Princess Kiara

She is now 5 Years Old!!!

May all your wishes come true My Princess

Love Daddy

Tomorrow is the start of something new...

Well tomorrow is the start of something new. Waking up to go to the hospital to get my doctors note, then to pick Jesse up, bring my medical note to work then to come back here to help me get organized and clean up a bit...not that my place is that messy, but it could use a touch up. My mom may come over after, or later in the week to help with my finances, and cutting certain things I really don't need. then I will start to be more lean and things should lighten up on the money side of things. I am not going to let her win and take everything from me...she should be thankful I don't just quit my job and go on welfare....cause then she would get nothing at all...But I am better then that. I know she would not use the money for the kids...Funny thing is Kiara calls her Tina...not Mommy...every drawing she has done it says I love Daddy, and I love Tina...Strange...but who knows...I am feeling the energy again...but what follows it is her wrath...so I am being extra careful. I should get a good night sleep tonight if I am going to be up early...I have no other choice but to get the doctors note to HR first thing tomorrow. God, the one thing I don't really do anymore is listen to music...which was one of my passions...I guess cause it reminds me of her...everything does...it helped me think. I HAVE TO TAKE THE POWER BACK FROM HER! MY SOUL! MY HEART! AND MY 2 PRECIOUS CHILDREN! She even thinks she is taking the cats...and it's rather funny...cause she tell the courts I haven't taken care of my children in 8 years...she hasn't taken care of the new kittens we got since we got them...and she sure is hell not taking lucky from me...I had him before I met her...he has seen my life in full just about...and he knows the truth....oh yeah, there is two more things I will never forgive her for either....getting rid of Bronx my dog when I was at work one day...she was scared of him so decided to get rid of him...and knowing fully if I was home she wouldn't be able to...and the second thing is Freya...Besides Lucky being my loyal cat, Freya his daughter..born from Tina's cat Sassy, died in September of kidney failure...I wanted Freya to pass on here at home with family, but she decided to leave her die at the vets. She then said it may have been the wrong idea...This cat would always know when I got home from work cause she would wait at the door for me, and follow me everywhere...and give me nothing but attention and affection. I still hurt to this day about her death. Anyway I may wrote more later...not sure yet, but maybe...My friend Glynn who is a client of mine thinks I should write as much as possible about everything...so everything stays clear incase I start to forget and need to remember something...he is right.

Freya - R.I.P. 09/15/05

Forgiveness...

The only one thing I will never forgive Tina for is being cold and abrupt with my mother...my mother has always been there for Tina, no matter what...even when Tina had problems with her own family. They never had a bad word between them, never argued...and 3 days before I got the papers, my mother called to see how she was doing, and how the kids were...My mother only gave her some info on the pets..and Tina said "I didn't need to fucking hear that!" and slammed the phone down on my mother....after 9 years of confiding in my mother she does that...my mother was utterly crushed, even today she can't seem to understand why...but she holds no grudges..talk about someone who can forgive and forget. My mother is simply the best...and for reason being...she never takes sides.

And the help starts to come...

I just spoke with my mom...her friend and her friends daughter are going to come by and help me get organized and to help me get my strength back...my cousin who I have not seen in almost 10 years is going to help me through this difficult time...everything is starting to come together...just like a war...both sides are gathering their troops for the final battle...or one of the final battles anyway. Good does triumph over evil...maybe not on the first shot...but it does. I am going to have my own binder of all the court proceedings, as well as evidence, Civil and Criminal code laws...everything I need. I even know how to file an official complaint. In fact I am doing all of this without a lawyer. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil". Sorry if I have wrote so much today...but my mind is running a mile a minute with thoughts. I think it's better i get things down on "Paper" then just sit and think about them...maybe someone out there has good advice or thoughts.

Does "True Love" find their way back?

Does it really happen? Can people find themselves again even after going through the wosrt damage ever? When my family left, I built our family website with almost every picture, movie from Day 1. Since then I took it down, because a) it was tampered with and b) It really hurts to much to see all the good times we had...even typing this is making it hard cause I am thinking about it....to the question I just ask...I don't know the answer...I would say probably not...but that just might be me...but again...who really knows either. I know she is doing this to hurt me more then she needs to...and I know there are more waves to come..and it's not over...that's why they come in spurts, and they are constant...so I do't have time to recover and gain strength...Today I made the decision of not even bothering to defend myself or the false accusations she has claimed...because in all honesty, why would I even try to defend something I never did? Defending means to defend your actions of what you may have said or did...since I never did anything wrong, why defend? I am just going to let her lies come forard and trip her up. I know in the end everyone will see her for who she really is...and the funny thing is I don't want her to get hurt, and I don't want people to hate her...I guess I still am very much in love with her...

A realization...

Something someone told me recently, The hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do...so why was it so easy for Tina to break up and destroy a relationship and me at the same time without even hesitating...usually throwing something like this would be hard no matter what the problem is or was...maybe it was the wrong thing to do? It was just a thought.

Infinite Sadness....

I spoke to my landlord yesterday, and Tina had called her to apologize and to say she would not be living here anymore. She even called a day or two after she threw me in jail for nothing. She told Joan her version of the story which apparently didn't match mine. As much as I am trying to accept things for what they are..why is she trying to kill me slowly? Why? I don't think I have ever been this sad in my life. Now she has a restraining order against me, which the allegations are completely false...and in the end the courts will see that. Even in civil court for our children, they will see she is attacking me without just cause. How can someone one day say to you "Why wouldI throw away 9 years worth of investment" then throw it away, and try to destroy you? It seems now she has called everyone she knows and made me look like a butcher. I always looked at Tina as a good person, who cared...never lied, and activist....a great mother. So why?! Why is she doing this?! I know the only person who really knows is her...I have come up with so many reasons, theories, but all I can do is speculate. She is taking everything from me slowly...my self esteem, my happiness, my love for life, my confidence...my children...my freedom. I know their has been a lot of outside influence that has done this as well...and it is very unfortunate, because they all destroyed a good family...yes there were issues, but what family now a days does not have issues within them? I am surprised to the fact all the lies she is telling can and will hurt her in the end, but why can't she see that? I have made myself aware of what my rights are and what I could do if I wanted to challenge her...but I have been passive towards the whole situation since day one. Now I may stop that, just because they are untrue words she has spoken about me, and second if I do not stand up for myself soon, there will be nothing left of me, spiritually, emotionally...and quiet possibly physically...and I am not talking about suicide either...I am talking about how this is physically killing me slowly. I may file a deffimation of Character suit against her as well as press charges for assault which I should have done from the get go...but as I told the police when I called to ask about certain things, I told them I was scared to, and not because I am not telling the truth, but because I am afraid for her...Yes I still care for her even after 65 days of all of this...Andy from Fathers 4 Justice told me the hurt is just beginning...and if that's the case I have to start soon to building a wall so I don't get hurt even more....my heart and soul cannot take much more of the hurt, and lies she is spreading...Look I am not perfect nor have I ever said that...But I have never done something that bad to deserve all of this....maybe she is still very angry at me? Maybe she is scared that if she does speak to me she would realize she was wrong and I am sure she doesn't want to feel that..It seems she is riding on a cloud of false truth and believing all of it...But as some people said the truth will reveal itself soon. I guess I am also scared and sad for what may happen to her when they find out she has been lying. I know it's not my problem right? Well wrong, because their are two little children who love us both and are in the middle of this hardcore...it is not right nor fair she use the kids in this...it is selfish, and not between them...but the issue lies between her and I and no one else. That's why I know Tina has been influenced to some point, because she would never use children in such a way. So why is she? why is she trying to hide from me and make it so I cannot be within 200 meters of her? Was all of this pre planned? Did she meet someone before all of this happened and I was right? Or was she simply brainwashed into thinking I was a monster? I hate feeling this sad, and it's not feeling sorry for myself, because I did not do anything wrong enough to warrant this. When I spoke to the police officers even they agreed she was using the Justice System against me, and they didn't need to hear the story of what happened...it was evident for the simple reason...she pressed charges after my kids saw me for the first time in 2 months and missed me to death....they did not want to leave when it was time to go...maybe that's what got her more angry...maybe because my children talked about me and how much fun they had. My daughter told me Dregan was not allowed to finish his story I asked him to write me for the second visit, because Mommy didn't want him to....she doesn't even feed them breakfast before coming to see me, and the kids are always hungry. The coucellors have heard then say this to me. WHAT IS GOING ON THROUGH HER HEAD? It's like the old Tina has been locked away in a tower somewhere and this new evil Tina has come to light...one who is out to hurt and and to gain, and nothing more...I wish she could stop the hurt, for the children's sake...cause even after the second visit you can tell it is hurting them so much inside. I now have to make the decision do I go file a report today? or not? Do I sit back while she destroys me? Do let her? Honestly I am running out of strength, hope and faith thatI can do anything...but I know once I go and it is done...it will be over for her in the end, because I can prove she did all these things to me even the day she left....and I can also prove all of the allegations in her affidavit are false as well...so if I had all of this power to prove her wrong...why don't I?...is it because I am scared to hurt her? Probably...cause deep down I still care for her a great deal...I am really surprised the police though said she was abusing the system...I have that on tape and will be submitting it and them to court when the day comes...they even said the amount of women who do this and lie about it are in the 80% range...and that right now the system is not right...they told me to fight and not give up, because in the end they get found out..so even though for the time being she wins...in the end she will lose...so why do this?...why jeopardize yourself Tina? If I was in the wrong, I would not be able to fight at all, or even get to where I am now with all of this...there would be no point because I would be lying and everyone would see that. But the judge did see I wasn't...she did have her doubts about you. Even listening to the recordings of it you can clearly see the judge has a strong suspicion about her, and her credibility. I guess I am just ultimately sad over this...she could have done this in a way where no one gets hurt to the extent as it is now...but I guess that was her goal...to take everything away from me...like my soul, my energy, myself, my children's...My Life...without even flintching...And it's weird, I have one friend who has been there for me through all of this and they are going through the same thing...but not to the same degree...but still their heart was crushed, and their lives turned upside down. I pray Tina realizes in the end no one really wins, not even her...and who loses out the most is our children. Her lawyer has tried to make me look like an irresponsible father/person...making the court think I have to be perfect, and by making it out that if I was depressed in the non medical sense that it was a bad thing. It's not...and it's not wrong to want to try and bring a family back together again...I think she may be the one who is lonely in life, and probably had a bad experience in life to the point where men are scum...she even has a class action lawsuit filed against her...you can find this on page 55 of 76 section d)...and there are other class action lawsuits for the injustice Fathers face now. But like someone said there is always 2 sides to every story...true...but in fact there is 3 sides to every story...my side, her side and the truth. I was told the hurting has just started, and there will be more...and a lot more intense...I am finding it hard to be able to cope with it due to the fact I may never get to see my babies again after June 5th. As for Tina, well...as much as my door will always be open for her, she will never have the courage to walk through it again...maybe because she is embarrassed, and feels that she has no choice but to continue with everything? I don't know really...all I do know is it wasn't all me who destroyed this relationship...I know time will tell...but I wish I could look beyond the problem and see that gift...I wish there was someone out there who could rescue me from all of this and help me get my strength back...to help find me again...everyone misses it, and everyone has seen the change I have went through and how I have been crushed beyond all recognition...I had the strength, I even looked at all problems we had before and never backed down or was scared...why am I now? Why can't I fix this one? I know I wasn't alone in the beinging, because I had a lot of support...and a lot of friends, but because of the uncertainty in the beginning I pushed them away...I was the center of attention...and not because I wanted to, but because I had energy, and answers...people respected that...so maybe in the end Tina was jelous of my life? These are answers I'll never figure out...only Tina knows them. Today is Mothers Day...so not only have I missed Easter with her and the kids, but I have also missed Mothers Day as well...People think I am an idiot for even still caring for her...they all seem to think she is an outright bitch and cruel for doing what she is doing, and they all have said to no hold back...There are a lot of people whom her and I both know, that know what she is like, and have all agreed..."She is in the wrong, for doing what she is doing" So today I am not sure what I am going to do...maybe try and get myself organized...start reading up on the law...which I have to some degree...maybe then I will start gaining my strength...but it the lonleyness that is killing me..even though I have my friend there for me, I still feel totally and utterly alone...woah!...maybe that is why she is hitting me one after another...because she knows if I gain my strength back it will jeopardize her and her so called allegations against me...Like Fathers 4 Justice said...what I am going through is called Legal Abuse Syndrom which the symptoms is exactley what I have. I know deep down I have the strength to fight this injustice...but why can't I muster it up? why am I allowing her to beat me down for something I have never done? Is that Love? or is it fear? Can someone tell me? Anyway I am done for now...I have cleaning and organizing to do and research to do as well...if I am ever going to come out on top like most people think I will, I have to get grounded and eyes forward. As much as I am doing this for the right to be with my children, my heart is bigger then my brain at times, and I am trying to make everything good...which at this point in time I can't. I know my thoughts seem here and there about all of it, but sharing it with others helps...and maybe someone out there who reads this can help me understand why...maybe even save me. Sounds bad, but I am a really good person, but not in her eyes...and only her eyes...except for the odd few she has convinced that I am not.

Learning to cope....

It has been exactly 62 days since I have seen or heard from my ex Tina. I did see my babies last Saturday, but was riddled with an arrest 2 days later. I spent time in prison for a crime I did not commit. Needless to say it was rather scary at first, but when I arrived there and told my story to a few people, I instantly had sympathy. I was told by all fight for my kids, and the right to see them. They also said it was time for me to let Tina go. I never had any intention in my life to make her hurt or unhappy. As much as I did try and provide everything for her, I guess it just wasn't enough. She did try and make me out to be obsessive over her...I found it rather amusing, but scary at the same time. Reason being is that I was not obsessed over her, but obsessed about the new life we were starting to create. I doubt she will ever read this so I guess I am rather safe. But I do know there are people out there who would try and hurt me no matter what. I The sad part is, our life was not all that bad...comparing it to other relationships...but it was perfect either...we "BOTH" had our issues in life. As much as some people think she is and was wrong for doing the things she did, I still defend her actions...don't ask me why..I guess it's because deep down she is a great human being. I think it's more confusion then anything else. I was asked if she had just decided to separate, would I let her go...it was a tough question to answer and took me a bit to respond. I said well, at first I would have a hard time accepting it...no question..because as I looked back at all of our memories...and the good ones..we were happy for the most part...but if she wasn't she never communicated it properly. It was the one thing she said the night before which was communication to me and till the day I die, the words will always ring in my head.."Why would I throw away 9 years of investment"..those words made me feel the warmest I have ever felt n my life...well besides seeing the birth of my children....seeing those are first in line for the warmest feeling I have ever felt. I know I have always trusted her, but I guess she never trusted me...I have been loyal and faithful to her for all those years. The only thing I was guilty for was chatting with other girls online...but I felt I was never good enough for her...hence my insecurity....but what it does all boil down too was lack of communication that ultimately destroyed our bond, love and relationship.... I guess what shocked me and a lot of other people were the accusations against me...yes she may have been scared to leave me in fear I would go nuts...but I know I wouldn't have...I would have been hurt...very much so...but I know I would have taken the time to get over it. All of it was done the wrong way...it is hurting out children, and hurting our loved ones in the process...even my mom. As much as I am trying to keep her out of the loop, she worries still for Tina...and the children. but again it has been 62 days...and it has sunk in to the point I know she is never ever coming home with the children to me again. I have slowly started to put pictures of her in a box, and others too..but I keep pictures of our children in easy view. She seems to think I care nothing for my children, and also seems to think I never did anything with them...I did..I have pictures and videos. I am not saying though I was a perfect father, because there is no such thing...every father has a different quality in them, and I had great qualities. It was funny because in her allegations, she states my son Dregan does not want to see me, and every time he sees a black car he gets scared. When I saw them last Saturday they were super happy to see me and in the end had a hard time leaving. I was an emotional wreck knowing they are in a position of confusion and are scared because they really don't know what's going on. One thing that bothered me was one of her tactics about being obsessed with her.Now put yourself in my shoes for a minute...for the first 3 weeks, she confided in my mother and other people saying she has not made a final decision yet about returning...So of course any man or woman if you switch roles would try and keep the relationship intact. Which I tried to do..and every Email I did send her I always spoke of our children and to make sure they were safe and to give them hugs and kisses from me. It wasn't just her on my mind, it was all 3. I guess what I got out of our relationship which she taught me, was the value of family, which will be a bonus in my next relationship...which will not happen for a very long time...Even as I try and get over her, and as much damage she tried to do to me...she will always be my one true love...and no one will ever take that away from her. It is not an obsessive statement, but a statement of true love. I have stopped watching home videos of her giving birth to Dregan, well the after parts...and home movies of other good times with the kids, and pictures of things we have done...in my mind I always thought "forever"...but in her mind she didn't. Which is ok...I cannot control her love for me...but it saddens me she had and is trying to crush every part of my existence into absolutely nothing. My therapist, friends and family are all astonished no how I am taking such a beating, even going to prison and not flinching...well it's because the love for my children is what is driving me. But my only problem I face now is more prison time...reason being, when I was arrested and when to court, I signed a paper to follow certain conditions...one was not to be with in 200 meters of her...so if I go see my children on Saturday, she can easily call the police and have me put in jail till September court date...which I have a feeling is what is going to happen. But like I told everyone...I'll go back for my kids...even if I see them one last time. It is my daughters 5th birthday and a cake is already been made for her. I just want her to stop all of this un-needed pain...for our children's sake..mine and hers...all of it is really not needed at all. I am proud of myself for being able to manage things around the home, but after being in prison..I almost lost my job today...one that got us here. I found out the night I got out, I didn't have to sign anything and would have stayed in for a few more days..but I feared my job, and the fact if I lost it a) she would have won another round in destroying me and b) I would not have been able to support our children at all. but I signed it...and I told that to HR, and made them understand the implications of everything...they have truly supportive of what is going on, and told me to take a leave of absence. I am well, but they see that every good day leads to a disaster the next...and are surprised I am taking it in stride...but eventually they said to be on the safe side, take time off we don't want you to break. I feel old now...I speak different, think different..and act different...not sure if it's because when she left she took a big part of me with her...or if when she left it died that day...I'll never know. I have been asked if she ever came back would you take her back?...I answer quite honestly...I don't know...I do say my door is always open for her...but I am not sure I would ever want to go through the pain of losing her or our children again. 62 days without them and 61 days with out seeing my 2 awesome kids takes i's toll...I am finding inner peace with myself now...I still have intense dreams of her and the kids, and I am sure I will have them for months to come. No matter what she does going forward, because I know what happened over the course of the past week was just the tip of the ice berg...I will never hold resentment or hatred towards her at all...the only thing I will hold against her and will never forgive or forget is how she treated my mom...even though my mom has forgiven her for it...my mom has taken a toll for the worse because of all of this..if she is not careful she will be admitted to the hospital for good...her health is deteriorating fast...it's not all Tina's fault, but hanging up on her and being cold and abrupt for the first time in 9 years ever..not only shocked my mom, but hurt her...because she has always been there for Tina and the kids...and has always been there when Tina had problems with her own family. My mom never ever judged. People think I am crazy, but in reality I am not...I have a huge heart and a small brain...can be a good thing can sometimes hurt you in the end. I do thank her for all the good times we had, and for help bringing our two beautiful children to this world..no one esle could have. I am sorry for anything I may have done to hurt her, or cause her to not trust me...I think she really knows deep own I am not a bad person. but only she is the one who knows anything. So the next 2 days are going to be very tough...I meet with Fathers for Justice to help me get to see our children, and then hopefully see them and celebrate my daughters 5th b-day...and see my boy Dregan. I guess things were a little bit too late...this is why I am learning to cope with my loss, and learning to accept....like a lot of people said it is a shame it had to go this way, even separating...because we were on an upward trend...but I guess we will never know how it would have turned out. If I do not go to jail after seeing my kids, I will start to pack her belongings and store them away. I am also searching for a new bed, because I cannot and refuse to sleep in it without her in it. Sorry if it sounds odd, but I miss holding her every night when we fall asleep...so the couch has been my resting place. So Sunday will for sure be a day of mourning and crying, because it is the first step in moving on. I never ever thought in my life I would be doing it. But as much as I hope and pray every night that things will change, each day goes by and nothing has changed. Anyway I am out for now...I may write tomorrow after I get things done...and yeah I will, because it may be the last time till September. ...If not I will write as soon asI get back from seeing my babies. I love you Dregan & my Princess Kiara...and Tina...I do love you too.

My Princess Kiara

My Boy Dregan