What is the right answer? Is there really a true answer?

I can't...5 years, 5 months, 2 days, 12 hours and 5 minutes is quite enough for any human being to stand. She has won at alienating my kids from me...i fought so hard to get what time i have with them and for what? To continue to take the bombardment of abuse from HER? I bend over backwards when she asks for anything but when i need something she refuses...she refuses to allow my kids to call me at all, only see me every second weekend. I don't get it?! like wtf?! The real sad part is everyone knows she is sick in more ways than one but yet why am i still left holding the bag? I hate knowing I have created two amazing things on this planet that im not allowed to teach, care for (except when they are here), watch them grow, see them graduate or their talent shows...this amuses her and she enjoys it. Even though i had all the proof in the world in court...because this is Quebec she wins by default...the scary thing is if she was a crackhead the outcome would still be the same. She says no personal info when we talk, yet she tell me about her family, her stress, her embarrassments, and her illness...again wtf?! But when anything less personal happens she doesn't care or respond...even if i ask a question on things shes said she'll ignore...im only allowed to listen, not speak. Why the fuck am i continuing to take this bullshit?! I love my kids more than I love my own life and would die for them if it meant them having a full, healthy and successful life...i can't say the same for HER...and Tina if your reading i hope your happy. This is a person after so long has this ficticious fear of even speaking on the phone yet she can txt up a storm when she wants. I don't know where my heads is at right now but it hurts. Sometimes i just don't want to wake up it hurts that bad not having my kids around or knowing how much i've missed out because of her selfishness and lies...she knows damn well too she didn't have to do any of this...i am sure once it was out of her hands and she saw how much destruction she caused she went into coward mode and went with it all because she knew she was protected. I can't believe how far some people will go and the shows they put on because of their own lack of security in themselves. I just don't understand why or how she has this power over me where i buckle?! am i that noble of a guy who still believes in 100% commitment? or am i still mildly suffering from the attempted murder, false imprisonment, losing my car and house...in fact losing everything including who i was..and I became afraid if i do anything that might upset her it will be two fold worse...oh yeah not sure if i ever put this in writing before but yes...the first year my life was almost taken...i was set up and it was no co-incedence..they named her and told me if i continued to fight for my kids it would be worse next time...i still get nightmares about it...she denies it...when we went to one session of mediation i let it out on the table and you know that over-reacting look people do when they are lying? she had it...and the mediator could tell. I am definitely a poster child for ex-wife abuse with a dash of legal abuse syndrome. I am also not feeling sorry for myself...because of one reason. she may have taken all of me, but there is still a piece of me that is hidden and untouched...the essence is there in certain occasions and you can see it...many can. But in general it's dormant and can only come back to life by one thing...and that's someone who see's me...not what she has created of me. Everything most new people see is the after effects of what happened...so realistically they are seeing someone who isn't themselves but they wouldn't know any better...for others who know and knew me; they can see it and can tell. It will take one woman to break the curse she put on me...and it's not her. As you can tell i'm venting up a storm...my head is all over the place...i really don't know where i get the strength from or how i've stayed sane...people wonder. I've deactivated my Facebook...turned off MSN...literally dropping off the grid...i'm in a lot of pain.