I haven't really read the last few post but I can say one thing..the past year my life started disappearing. From my kids, to my work and everything in between. Whats sad is after my surgery is when family started to notice what i've been telling them all along, from my health, to the kids and financially. I mentioned this would happen about 3 years ago in an email to them both asking for help. They didn't understand I guess, which is probably my fault. The point i'm at now is grim..im on the fence trying to balance life vs death. This is one of the last feelings I had over last summer. I knew somehow about me having surgery..how things would end up with work and me being on unemployment. The only thing that I didn't see coming was tina having them seize my unemployment which leaves me with barely enough for rent. Apart from that I see my end..well more or less feel it. I have no drive, no hope..but not in the way of feeling pitty, I just don't need it because I am feeling at peace with knowing whats coming. I think people know but trying not to believe it. If only Tina could have forgiven..or tried to, or at least been fair when it came to the kids, life would be very different and instead of these posts would be different. Even writing these posts are becoming less important and I used to love to blog. There isn't one day that goes by where i'm not hit with something to keep me from living, it's real and I bring none of it on myself either..how can one do that when I can't even do anything? It's like someone constantly beating you while you're down and not giving you a chance to breath. I have no regrets though..what I did and the road I traveled was for two people and two people alone - Dregan and Kiara. The best kids and the love of my life. They have a gift and are very special. Most parents think and say this, but something about them shines a bit brighter than most and tried my best to teach and be there as a dad, parent and friend. My only disappointment is not being allowed to be involved with the kids highlights and stepping stones in their life, that's something you can never get back.
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