It's scary when you know deep down your time is running out..but then again can also be rewarding. Not to say it is, but knowing you don't have to suffer anymore becomes a comfort in the back of your mind. From the start of this blog, I fought tooth and nail to have a relationship with my kids..and I did all I could, but in the end it never amounted to anything. They are almost adults now, and the only time I hear from them is when they come see me. They never answer my txt's, calls or msg's on fb. I've become numb to it now, and it's what she wanted all along.
My health has taken a turn, and not for the better...i'm financially unstable, socially secluded and emotionally drained. That was quite the opposite as I used to be. What's sad, is all I wanted was to be able to apologize and get "some" forgiveness. That in itself would have made the world of difference..dynamics would have changed, and would have benefited all. But i've learned over the years that it will never happen..and as much as i've let go and tried to move on, the foot is still on my throat crushing it. Like I said before she and I can not co-exist..and one has to go in order to keep life in balance. Life is about balance, and I have no more strength to fight, to hurt or to be happy.
Everyday blends into the next, with the same struggle..and the realization i'll never get a head. She really has killed me in many ways, and i'll never get any of it back. I just wanted to be sure that I did one thing in case something should happen to me, and that something she can't take away from me..the love I have for my kids. I sacrificed everything for them, and would do it again in a blink of an eye. I love them with every ounce of energy, and all of my heart...they really are everything I wanted as children, and yet they offer so much more.
I'm hoping i'll make it through xmas, but something tells me if I do I won't hit my 40th..at least i'll go with hair on my head. Someone once asked why they couldn't be there for me, and the answer is simple. I was always there for people helping them when they were in need..to be able to make them happy again. But in my case there is no helping when the reality is I can't be helped nor what is coming for me can be stopped. Why add grief to someone else when it's not their problem...it would go against everything I believe in and the last bit of who I am. It the one thing I want to keep intact as it's all I really have left.
That's all I have, and I really don't expect to be posting anything after this. Should a miracle happen, which I highly doubt..i'll update on it. But as each day goes by it's becoming highly unlikely that will happen. Who ever does read this though; always forgive, but never forget. It can change a persons world.
Now it's time to sleep..and dream.
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone on the Rogers network.
