Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my special Boy Dregan. Sorry I can only wish it to you here on your Birthday, but always know I thought about you all day. :-)

Daddy loves you
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2 days...

In 2 days it will mark the start of 3 years...and like last year it begins again...
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Like I said..

Just as I finished my last post Dregan signed on MSN - only my mom can see him. He even has his pic that reminds him of me...problem is I'm not allowed to say hi...he is that close. I just found out he wants a computer game...*sigh*
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I know now for sure

I can now say without a doubt I have a deep emotional and physical attachment to my kids. Since Thursday night I wasn't feeling right - more or less sad/withdrawn. Not knowing why but this is one weekend where they didn't show up and I know I was thinking of them. I came to my moms today and found out from her that Kiara was in the hospital sick. This is not the first time I've felt like this and then finding out something happened to them. It made me feel sick inside as it still does...not knowing how she is doing.
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Life's not a game...

Next week I'm going to do something that I should have done a while ago but was too scared. I was scared because of what I might find out, and the funny part it would truly become irony pure sad irony. Its almost as if you could look back afterwards and predict the ending cause you see the signs.
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It's like peeling the skin...

I threw the curve ball today and now I will see where it lands...but I can say one thing it also opened up wounds and scars...I knew it would. But it's gonna make me a lil stronger...but it was more magnified due to the fact today is valentines day...ironic.
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Cry Now Laugh Later?!

Can that actually be? Was I right about me being groomed? Am I right about April? Its scary cause I don't want to get my hopes to high on anything...but why can't I? I mean its all falling into place...this week I even became Major League Baseballs Rep. ...I'm like the only one in thousands of reps trying to get in...and they want just me. I'm not in the least bit cocky or think I'm all that...in fact quite the opposite. I'm proud that I got one of my goals accomplished in life and now dre and kiara have something really cool they can tell their friends at school - Its a dream and I'm living it. Since the calming balance happened its all unfolding...even me...I am feeling more and more like who I was before I was robbed and raped of my being, mind and soul by her...I still feel the pain but the numbness and the routine of being encircled by friends and family has helped ease and distract me...I did have 3 dreams of her about 3 weeks ago where I woke up in the worst cold sweat I've ever had in my life and my heart racing like I just ran 10 blocks without stopping...I don't remember what the dreams were about but I know she was in them...regardless I know this summer is the summer...where part 2 of life starts...fresh new beginning with career in hand and rising to the top fast.
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Something old but new...

Divorces are contagious, and most of the time its ALWAYS the wife who is never happy...so if that's the case then its not really the guy their with...just the sheer fact that women don't want a committed relationship...I met 3 guys this week at work who are going through the exact same thing I am...nah can't be coincidence can it? I don't think so at alllll. If it were small pockets of people would be one thing but almost one out of four men have gone through what I have.
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I now know...

I can say I now know why I am the way I am...and understand why and how people see me...its not fair cause they truly do not see the person whom once lived...one bad habit I tend to do is stop talking to people...but that is my defense mechanism to protect myself. It shows that I've been abused and wrongly accused...there is one secret I do have that I know and feel that no one will know till the last minute..and that secret should set everything straight and then everyone can move on. Scary thing is I saw this coming a while ago - I just didn't believe it...well maybe not wanting to believe it, but that's life as they say.
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Omfg...

All I can say is my feeling and vibe are accurate...and when people drink then tend to talk more then they should ;-) I guess that's one thing I kept as an instinct. Good job "C" for saying what u said at bourbon
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