Things are falling into place...

I haven't wrote about this yet but I applied for managers position...managing new hires...I can't believe I am almost back to where I was supposed to be....before all this happened. I had the interview today and it went well. He could feel my passion and drive...he did say there was one other person in the fight for the position...but I heard I got the nod from Sean our V.P. It's all so unreal right now...but its true and it shows that I wasn't nor am I a bad person...because if I was anything that she said about me I would be a crack addict poor on welfare beating women...I have anxiously and religiously pray for my time with my kids that I see every Saturday...provided they are brought to the center...my financial life is stable where I can breath...and the friends and popularity I have at work is nuts...and not over popularity...but a lot of people have expressed their approval of me being manager...I'm eager...anxious...to start a new chapter in my life...to lead...to finally allow myself to show my true potential...and when I do read back on this take note to self: You did this on your own...no one else helped you...from rock bottom...literally to here was all you...be proud cause you are one tough smart *#+@$ just don't look back...and keep watching and feeling and it will never steer you wrong.
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3 Years...

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Again...

Again Kiara gets a kidney infection where she was hospitalised and then put on antibiotics...she also had a cold sore on her upper lip...then she starts telling us that the cats are peeing on their clothes and things...and it kills me inside because I can't do anything to stop or help. The whole week only knowing she was in the hospital and not knowing why was incredibly torturing....it really scared me. We had a great time today though...and omg the ran in to see me....literally sprinted :-). I love them sooooo much.
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Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my special Boy Dregan. Sorry I can only wish it to you here on your Birthday, but always know I thought about you all day. :-)

Daddy loves you
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2 days...

In 2 days it will mark the start of 3 years...and like last year it begins again...
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Like I said..

Just as I finished my last post Dregan signed on MSN - only my mom can see him. He even has his pic that reminds him of me...problem is I'm not allowed to say hi...he is that close. I just found out he wants a computer game...*sigh*
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I know now for sure

I can now say without a doubt I have a deep emotional and physical attachment to my kids. Since Thursday night I wasn't feeling right - more or less sad/withdrawn. Not knowing why but this is one weekend where they didn't show up and I know I was thinking of them. I came to my moms today and found out from her that Kiara was in the hospital sick. This is not the first time I've felt like this and then finding out something happened to them. It made me feel sick inside as it still does...not knowing how she is doing.
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Life's not a game...

Next week I'm going to do something that I should have done a while ago but was too scared. I was scared because of what I might find out, and the funny part it would truly become irony pure sad irony. Its almost as if you could look back afterwards and predict the ending cause you see the signs.
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It's like peeling the skin...

I threw the curve ball today and now I will see where it lands...but I can say one thing it also opened up wounds and scars...I knew it would. But it's gonna make me a lil stronger...but it was more magnified due to the fact today is valentines day...ironic.
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Cry Now Laugh Later?!

Can that actually be? Was I right about me being groomed? Am I right about April? Its scary cause I don't want to get my hopes to high on anything...but why can't I? I mean its all falling into place...this week I even became Major League Baseballs Rep. ...I'm like the only one in thousands of reps trying to get in...and they want just me. I'm not in the least bit cocky or think I'm all that...in fact quite the opposite. I'm proud that I got one of my goals accomplished in life and now dre and kiara have something really cool they can tell their friends at school - Its a dream and I'm living it. Since the calming balance happened its all unfolding...even me...I am feeling more and more like who I was before I was robbed and raped of my being, mind and soul by her...I still feel the pain but the numbness and the routine of being encircled by friends and family has helped ease and distract me...I did have 3 dreams of her about 3 weeks ago where I woke up in the worst cold sweat I've ever had in my life and my heart racing like I just ran 10 blocks without stopping...I don't remember what the dreams were about but I know she was in them...regardless I know this summer is the summer...where part 2 of life starts...fresh new beginning with career in hand and rising to the top fast.
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