Its been almost 24hrs

I think I figured it out....she is with someone. It's the only thing I can think of as to why inside drew me to do what I did last night...maybe life is trying to prep me for it? All I know is it OTHERS who bring her up...even the guy at the dep asked me about her and what happened...after all these years...and then mentions he sees her when she drops the kids off...all I know is this weekend was another weekend of change. As of tomorrow I will have completed immersing myself completely in my job and closing off the rest...only way I'll succeed and survive...
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Why do I keep doing this?

Ok look...if someone read this pls I need an opinion...I am trying to move on...I see no picture of her, or speak her name...but life throws me things I don't read into, she clearly doesn't care for me...like logically speaking I should keep course...but something tells me to not let go, not give up and fix the wrong...even Dregan didn't seem to think it was a bad idea and wants her and I to go in on his bday gift...I sent one last msg...why? Like am I stupid?! I don't get it and I am perfectly SANE!!!!
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Last one for tonight

It's Valentine's Day...this is sooooo fucked....doing what I'm doing especially on this day....I wonder if the dreams will stop and the curse will go away...and I also wonder if I'll get some of the old me back? Or am I asking for too much?...all I know is my head is fucked up...and I didn't realize these wounds were deeper than I really realized...or at least I didn't think it would affect me this much...but I'm taking things in stride and trying to hold on to this wave...biggest one yet and so far this year I've been bombarded with a lot so far...none really bad but wtf...anyway I really should try and get to bed...I have to move allllll of the stuff down stairs and work tomorrow and be ready for 1pm then finish my day...put things back or what's left then back to work then bed...ughhhh
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Another break...

Well it does show something...not only what I've done tonight (junking)...I also did something I didn't think I'd ever do again but sitting here after the fact I know why...not a good reason but a reason none the less...I think doing what I'm doing is opening up a lot of wounds knowing that the end of my chapter of what I had has come to a close...so in essence I'm punishing myself? I'm sure it's the last as this is a big change...and on top of that I've been writing up a storm recently on here so somethings up...till I have another break or though...I went skiing btw..u know what that means.
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While I have a min...

It's funny how life works...I'm in the middle of trying to get rid of and sort all the stuff from 16 years of a life...junked 7 bags on saturday and now a shit load more...but I know its for a reason as change is coming...and keep in mind I'm not doing this cause I want to as I have no choice...but it's neat to see how life does work...it will do things like this but most people don't see it for what things are...the only catch it is impartial to good or bad...it just does. But if u have the hyper sensitivity I have for life u will start to see the same...anyway back to work :/
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Reality?

K like seriously...I have to learn now to start to control the gift I have. After looking at things on every angle to ensure I'm not nuts, I've come to the conclusion its real. I think everyone has it but with all the distractions in life we never realize and know. I've had time..5 years to see. It's in my writings; before and after, which shows validity. My problem is I have to start to figure out how to either control it or at least get in sync with it...one thing I will say now as more proof...something is building up to something..lol...sorry I know double word but it's true and its the only way I know how to describe it...not sure if it's good or bad but it's their...all I know is I got a surprise today by getting 800$ from the gov...on top of the $800 bonus from work last month...but its not money...it's something else. I'll keep you posted...but this is soooo fucked it's not funny.
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Why does this happen

I'm up @ 4:30 and can't sleep...checked out fb and everyone seems to be getting into relationships or about too...don't get me wrong it makes me happy to see others happy...but when will I get my turn again? Or was my 10 years with Tina all that I will ever get? The way its going, and as each day goes by I will be alone forever. I may have my friends, but friends can only be there to a certain degree. I'm almost ready to accept it in defiance...but it hurts so much being alone. And what hurts the most is all women want now is men who are assholes...I don't want to be one! But unless I become one none will take me seriously...so this is my conundrum. I basically feel like the ugliest person in the world who no one wants anymore...maybe Tina really did put a curse on me that day...she screamed it so loud with conviction that just maybe she was heard and effectively won and killed my life...because it's never been this hard for me to find someone...now no one will look @ me. I don't care, yes I'm feeling very sorry for myself and I'm am most certainly allowed. I fought for 5 years for what I have today which are my kids, and had I distracted myself I would not have what I have today...I just need that person to complete me. They don't realize that my spell will be broken...and what lies within can be reborn and thrive. Sometime in life certain things can only grown under certain conditions..like my situation. But unless that happens, as each day goes by my heart and chances slowly disappear. If I'm right and have been right about most, than this is it for me...I wonder if I should just bow out quietly
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I just

I just want to feel loved again...I miss it so much it's killing my heart.
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OMFG....

Ok at this point I can't prove it anymore except on here and with myself. But after cutting Tina off with me and all communication life in the past 3 weeks have been uneasy but perfect?!...I don't like it at all....that's not true; I do like it but I just became a scared rabbit. I just know good things are happening and fast...I don't know what to do. :/ I guess I just don't want that shoe to drop where I invest my heart again...that's what's bothering me. Anyway we'll see how the rest of the night goes and when I wake up.
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I know everything does happen for a reason...

My insecurities stem from people staring at me...i've finally figured this out, which to me is something i need to change. How did i come to this conclusion? Well since I came full circle and told her where to go and that i was uncom