I wish....

I wish I could feel like this all the time without the drinking... I'm on such a high, and I know tomorrow will be the crash, or at the very least burrowed back in my shell...

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To the end..

No matter, what you DO NOT give in or give up...

This is the first time in years I'm loaded...yes I caved. I'm not upset about it...although it's liquid courage, it's helping. I just need to find my footing...I'm so close. Her lies aren't going to win...she used her last card of lies and now she has nothing. I can do what most would do and bury her...but that would be wrong. I need to focus on the footing...once I get it, everything falls into place. Btw...a lot has changed since the last post...for the worse, but that's a given. I may be fragile in certain ways, but in other ways solid a/f. Stay focused and move forward....

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Who am I?

Even since the last post a lot has change but some remained the same. I have an office job again and from day one I was portrayed as the role model..and only because of who I "used" to be..i'm not that guy anymore‎..I persecuted myself for so long for the mistakes I made that I literally stripped myself of anything remotely who I was. Its scary shit too because looking back and even trying to do I can't..it feels foreign. This past year was like "the" year that I died (metaphorically speaking). From the kids to "her", to my surgery..actually it was after the surgery that I started to notice..and I felt, and watched it go. Fucked up feeling. I don't even post on fb anymore..maybe a handful if that. My fire has been extinguished, and my passions lost. I know someone tried to be there for me in the summer, but my pride got in the way, but they also didn't understand fully..and to be honest I was embarrassed. Maybe because of how bad everything has affected me, referring to the kids situation and just how it all went down for me. People really dont understand how hard it is..just because im the dad or their father doesn't make me any less important or needed in their lives..and they are almost adults and even though Ive seen them on their weekends and have seen them grow..ive missed out on the beginnings..u never get that back. Now they are almost adults..and I fought 10 years just for the minimal time ive had with them..if I didn't, I don't know how this blog would have turned out. Anyway..as for the job, I don't like it...still new and disorganized. Boss is shady as shit..i know guys like him...and I don't have that passion anymore, or that "thing" that got the sale..i just had the knack.   Whatever..like things are supposed to go good for me..lol..yeah right.  And just the fact i'll be 40 in a few months bothers me a lot too..i missed a whole decade because of the bullshit ive had to live...a fucking decade!!! 

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Almost time..

It's scary when you know deep down your time is running out..but then again can also be rewarding. Not to say it is, but knowing you don't have to suffer anymore becomes a comfort in the back of your mind. From the start of this blog, I fought tooth and nail to have a relationship with my kids..and I did all I could, but in the end it never amounted to anything. They are almost adults now, and the only time I hear from them is when they come see me. They never answer my txt's, calls or msg's on fb. I've become numb to it now, and it's what she wanted all along. 

My health has taken a turn, and not for the better...i'm financially unstable, socially secluded and emotionally drained. That was quite the opposite as I used to be. What's sad, is all I wanted was to be able to apologize and get "some" forgiveness. That in itself would have made the world of difference..dynamics would have changed, and would have benefited all.‎ But i've learned over the years that it will never happen..and as much as i've let go and tried to move on, the foot is still on my throat crushing it. Like I said before she and I can not co-exist..and one has to go in order to keep life in balance. Life is about balance, and I have no more strength to fight, to hurt or to be happy. 

Everyday blends into the next, with the same struggle..and the realization i'll never get a head. She really has killed me in many ways, and i'll never get any of it back. I just wanted to be sure that I did one thing in case something should happen to me, and that something she can't take away from me..the love I have for my kids. I sacrificed everything for them, and would do it again in a blink of an eye. I love them with every ounce of energy, and all of my heart...they really are everything I wanted as children, and yet they offer so much more. 

I'm hoping i'll make it through xmas, but something tells me if I do I won't hit my 40th..at least i'll go with hair on my head.  Someone once asked why they couldn't be there for me, and the answer is simple. I was always there for people helping them when they were in need..to be able to make them happy again. But in my case there is no helping when the reality is I can't be helped nor what is coming for me can be stopped. Why add grief to someone else when it's not their problem...it would go against everything I believe in and the last bit of who I am. It the one thing I want to keep intact as it's all I really have left.  

That's all I have, and I really don't expect to be posting anything after this. Should a miracle happen, which I highly doubt..i'll update on it. But as each day goes by it's becoming highly unlikely that will happen. Who ever does read this though; always forgive, but never forget. It can change a persons world.  

Now it's time to sleep..and dream.

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Numb

‎I haven't really read the last few post but I can say one thing..the past year my life started disappearing. From my kids, to my work and everything in between.  Whats sad is after my surgery is when family started to notice what i've been telling them all along, from my health, to the kids and financially. I mentioned this would happen about 3 years ago in an email to them both asking for help. They didn't understand I guess, which is probably my fault. The point i'm at now is grim..im on the fence trying to balance life vs death. This is one of the last feelings I had over last summer. I knew somehow about me having surgery..how things would end up with work and me being on unemployment. The only thing that I didn't see coming was tina having them seize my unemployment which leaves me with barely enough for rent. Apart from that I see my end..well more or less feel it. I have no drive, no hope..but not in the way of feeling pitty, I just don't need it because I am feeling at peace with knowing whats coming. I think people know but trying not to believe it. If only Tina could have forgiven..or tried to, or at least been fair when it came to the kids, life would be very different and instead of these posts would be different. Even writing these posts are becoming less important and I used to love to blog. There isn't one day that goes by where i'm not hit with something to keep me from living, it's real and I bring none of it on myself either..how can one do that when I can't even do anything? It's like someone constantly beating you while you're down and not giving you a chance to breath. I have no regrets though..what I did and the road I traveled was for two people and two people alone - Dregan and Kiara. The best kids and the love of my life. They have a gift and are very special. Most parents think and say this, but something about them shines a bit brighter than most and tried my best to teach and be there as a dad, parent and friend. My only disappointment is not being allowed to be involved with the kids highlights and stepping stones in their life, that's something you can never get back.

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Where i'm at..

‎Well I haven't read the last post so I have no clue what was going on..but I can tell you, a lot has changed and happened. The one thing I can say is all I saw coming did..right down to my health and job, and this was 2 years before anything happened. 

The past 3 years were hard, especially knowing Tina was collecting extra support than she was entitled too, and she didn't care. She even started ruining my time with the kids..they've changed since she's had another child. I begged her to be fair because of what was coming down the road..but she didn't care to listen. This time last year I knew how things were going to play out, even the fact I would have some sort of medical intervention, which I ended up getting surgery (chiari malformation). When I got out to recover and to plan for my sons bday, she made it nothing but difficult. So to make my life worse, she was able to get the government to seize my pay. On top of that my daughter has to go back to the children's..evidently they found something in the MRI. She waited over 6 months to have them find the fax, when it should have taken 2 phone calls to fix the problem. Now because of the delay my daughter might have more problems than what could have been avoided. I feel like she is trying to kill me and my kids slowly and her getting away with it. Not allowing me to be involved other than the weekends I get.  As you can see it hasn't stopped..and my hands are tied. Taking the daily abuse quietly...

I don't know where i'm going from here, but march 31st i'll know more about Kiara, and am praying it's nothing serious. But all I know is April is going to be the month from hell...probably the worst i've had to endure. The only thing that's keeping me going are my kids...if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be as far as I am today.

Before I go..my surgery was on Feb 23rd, and the last thing I did before being put under was kissing the kids names on my arms...when I woke up was a different story. I am intolerant to any narcotic pain killer..‎which they kept dosing me up for 2 days, all the while i'm being sick. They did damage part of the brain stem while operating, but it seems to be healing..but slowly. That's been the only bitch about this..i'm not a sit in one place type of guy and 6 weeks + for recovery isn't my cup of tea.

Anyway..that's kinda what it's been like up till now. I had nothing to do so felt like venting.

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A Contrast and nothing but...

What needs to be done..

My ultimate problem is - it was a little too late...I should have listened to her the first time she ever complained. Maybe if I did I would not have lost everything...

From then to now...what a ride

I don't know wut to say at this point...8 years...2 or 3 of which I've been overpaying in CS by 40% and living with only bare minimum basics...only seeing my kids on their specific days...no calls in between..I know they love me but what she's done to them is something I'll never forget..and its been a learning experience...I'm sure I'll forgive, it's in my nature...but since I found out she had another child things have changed and are different..I can never go back...I can't. I just want time with my kids...more of it. But what else has changed is one person was able to get around every single barrier I've had which only a few have only been able to get through one or two at the most...then I see they either can't be trusted...or they don't want me for me...they just want something I can do for them....but this one was different and scared the fuck out of me...since I never thought I'd be able to feel like this again? Problem is she is an unhappy wife...we started off strong but either I did something to scare her off...or I was a test of the waters? ...basically a rebound type of guy is how I felt/feel? Needless to say we hooked up last Saturday and never felt more comfortable like I did...and it ended rather trippy as she kinda rushed me out the door after smoking..and I figured from their it would die down but didn't...wuz a rollercoaster of emotions...so I had to end it..just to get some space to reset...and even that didn't seem to work...I don't know what to do. I can't afford my heart to break again...I may be strong in a lot of ways and can handle a lot...my heart is my weakness...if it breaks again I don't know how I'd be in the end :/ anyway...this shit is so fucked
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Will never be the same

I haven't read the last post but she has had another baby with someone else about a month ago. You actually physically felt all end. I was more hurt and crushed that the kids were forced to hide it from me..I was upset @ them for that but I know it wasn't their fault so I left it..since then my life is very empty and I have lost all but routine. No social life..blocked from helping the cause...even blocked from doing my job properly. Its like I'm almost at the end of the road (metaphore) and if I don't find a turn off soon I'm scared my life will be done more or less...it just seems this fight for 6 years...well 4 was for nothing. I only still see my kids 4 days a month..and if I'm lucky a msg here and there on fb. Unless a miracle happens and I'm saved...