Summer of decisions & change

This has to be the summer that will give me an insight to how my life will turn out. There has been a lot of positive gain and change, but with it came a lot of decisions that could either set me back or propel me forward. My only problem with making any move at all is obviously failing...but if it did happen and I failed I would be able to recover like I have...or can I? Or is it that this fight took too much out of me for another fight? Until I can get rid of the cons I won't be making any moves. The one decision I have to make and I know its a life test and that is to walk away from a girl from work. The chemistry is there, but her situation is difficult and it would be right - on top of that if it didn't work I can't let it affect my career...I am back where I need to be and don't want to lose it all again...needless to say though life has improved drastically for me...I smile everyday now and put smiles on everyones face...he has been asleep for way too long and the world is glad to see him again.
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....

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me. So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done. And things that have not occurred yet And the things they don't want to take responsibility for I'm sorry for the times I left you home I was on the road and you were alone I'm sorry for the times that I had to go I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know That you were sitting home just wishing we Could go back to when it was just you and me I'm sorry for the times I would neglect I'm sorry for the times I disrespect I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done I'm sorry I'm not always there for my son I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware. That you can't sleep at night when I am not there. Because I am in the streets like everyday. Sorry for the things that I did not say. Like how you are the best thing in my world. And how I was so proud to call you my girl I understand that there are some problems And I am not too blind to know. All the pain you kept inside you. Even though you might not show If I can apologize for being wrong Then it's just a shame on me I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me. You can put the blame on me. Said you can put the blame on me You can put the blame on me Sorry for the things that he put you through And all the times you didn't know what to do Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad And you would rather be home with all your kids As one big family with love and bliss And even though Pops treated us like kings He got a second wife and you didn't agree He got up and left you there all alone I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief I'm sorry that your son was once a thief I'm sorry that I grew up way too fast I wish I would've listened and not be so bad I'm sorry your life turned out this way I'm sorry that the FEDS came and took me away I'm sorry that it took so long to see They were dead wrong trying to put it on me I'm sorry that it took so long to speak...
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Ultra Sound

I'm @ the Royal Vic waiting for my ultra sound...I'm a little nervous...in fact I'm shit scared. This is one of thlast things "I hope" to uncover why my health is deteriorating....if I can be fixed I won't be the same at all...if I can't same thing. I guess either way change is going on in my life weather I want it or not.
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And the possibilities are...

Lupus, Auto-Immune Disease, ...or Cancer...Stay tuned for more details as they arise...
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The next 7 days....

For the next 7 days will be the worst I will have ever had to experience in my life...I'm sick...tomorrow I go for chest x-rays...ecg...there may be a possibility of heart disease...or cancer. My glands have not gone down in size and I really don't feel right...no energy at all....I try hard to push ...I'm scared... After the tests...they get faxed asap to the Royal Victoria Hospital and an appointment made with a resident Doctor who will pretty much go over me with a fine tooth comb...then from there presented to a panel of Doctors to review and double check....Never been more scared in my life.
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My Auto-Immune System...

I've been told by my Dr. after more tests that my auto immune system is not working. That means when I'm sick or get an infection my immune system won't work. From what I understood my immune system is attacking itself. I'm on antibiotics and heavy pain killers and none work... The scariest thing is my energy...I have none...despite any good news or excitement. I'm on the bus now to go for more tests...and to get a referral for a blood specialist...its funny how I knew my health was next to happen...oh...talk about irony...the bus just turned down our old street..St.louis...our old house...and I'm not gonna entertain looking...hurts to much. Anyway this is just a short note before I get there.
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I can't...

This is just unreal...look we all know for almost 3 years...ugghh...right now even my thoughts worry me because as much as my world of people know who I am and as much as my thoughts are of the purest intention...they could potentially be used...against me. The funny thing is one thing I've learned and not the major thing...but I realised that bonds as much as they can be broken there is a everlasting impression in the world that keeps a connection...I know you've read my life so far, and the pain and false joys I've had...and the funny thing...well wtf then anything else but I still care...and just want a sign...no words no letters...just a small sign...if I get this sign it would really do something for this beaten down man...I care because life is too short and I would know...but one thing I did without missing a beat was that I was there for two little ones who are the far best that have ever been seen by many who see them...and for that one day a week they got nothing but unconditional love and it shows...sigh...I'm having one of those brain things where I just want to blurt out everything...I guess if you are reading this...I'm asking...please..."What dreams may come"
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....

I still care...but I respect it...it kills me...my soul...my heart...but I can't lie to myself or anyone else anymore...I'm sorry...so if you're reading this (you know who you are)...it's time...for "what dreams may come" down the road...
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Beautiful...

im just so fucking depressed
i just cant seem to get out this slump
if i could just get over this hump
but i need something to pull me out this dump
i took my bruises took my lumps
fell down and i got right back up
but i need that spark to get psyched back up
and in order for me to pick the mic back up
i dont know how or why or when
i ended up this position im in
im started to feel dissin again
so i decided just to pick this pen
up and try to make an attempt to vent
but i just cant admit
or come to grips the fact that i may be done with rap
i need a new outlet
and i know some shits so hard to swallow
but i cant just sit back and wallow
in my own sorrow but i know one fact
ill be one tough act to follow
one tough act to follow
ill be one tough act to follow
here today gone tomorrow but you'd have to walk a thousand miles
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what id be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside eachothers minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through eachothers eyes
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you

i think im starting to lose my sense of humor
everythings so tense and gloom
i almost fee like i gotta check the temperature of the room just as soon as i walk in
its like all eyes on me i try to avoid any contact
cuz if i do that then it opens the door for conversation like i want that
im not looking for extra attention i just want to be just like you
blend in with the rest of the room maybe just point me to the closest restroom
i dont need no fucking man servant tryin ta follow me around and try to wipe my ass
laugh at every single joke i crack and half of them aint even funny like hahhhhh
"marshall your so funny man you should be a comedian god damn"
unfortunately i am i just hide behind the tears of a clown
so why dont you all sit downn
listen to the tale that im about to tell
hell we dont gotta trade our shoes
and you dont gotta walk no thousand miles
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what id be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside eachothers minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through eachothers eyes
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to youuuuu

nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip em dont expect no help
now i could have either just stayed at home sit on my ass and pissed and moaned
or take this situation with which im placed in and get up and kick my own
i was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
and sat on the porch and hope and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
i just wanted to fit in in every single place every school i went
i dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
and edna always told me keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
meanwhile im just standing there holding my tongue trynwa twalk like dwis
then i stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
i learned my lesson then cuz i wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
but i already told you my whole life story
not just based on my description
cuz where you see it from where your sittin its probably 110% different
i guess we would have to walk a mile in eachothers shoes at least
what size you wear? i wear tens
lets see if you can fit your feet
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what itd be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside eachothers minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through eachothers eyes
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
so
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
so
to my babies
stay strong
daddy will be home soon
and to the rest of the world
god gave you shoes to fit you
so put em on and wear them
be yourself man
be proud of who you are
and even if it sounds corny
dont ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

Happy

Happy B-Day Dave
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