6 Days...

Six days till I go back to court...again to be pushed, bet you 20$...but i am surprised this time...well knock on wood...but usually i got overly stressed about court, but this time for some reason i don't feel that...i even thought i was trying to hide it or from it, but im not. My feelings have been weird...things that have been happening have been weird...not in a bad way though just...i guess uuughhh therei go again with my mental block...why can't i write like i used to? My thougts are so clear but so many of them and can't organize them...I'll come back when i can...all i know is for some reason i am feeling things will be ok...for the first time i feel that...i dont know why though...maybe becaue the dreams have subsided for now? I don't know...anyway i have to figure out how i am gonna see my babies saturday...i am just happy i got the job i wanted...so now i should be able to start to afford it...Thank you god.

Sorry...

I just wanted to say i'm sorry for not getting into details in my last post...but it's how it goes and how i get when it get's closer to court time...so many thoughts and emotions it's unreal.

Too much...just way too much.

Do we really have that bond within us? that undying connection between two people? I did and have done everything people have told me do to move on...believe me to ease the pain and to lose the pain i have tried everything...even begged to god to take it away. It was working being able to help others, but even that could not take the pain away...only masked it. One of the reasons why i haven't blogged on here was because of Blogtv....but as much as I love BlogTV, and I do...i can get my words out easier on here and be able to ball like i am now and not have to have people look at my pain all the time...It would kinda defeat the purpose don't you think? And yes i know...I have to be happy with myself before making others happy, and I agree...and it's not that I'm not happy with myself...but i am so angry and unhappy how everything went...it was wrong. Please don't get me wrong I respect her wishes and will do nothing to jeopardize that...but I am allowed as a human being to have the feelings i have. I do wish that I wold wake up from this nightmare...omg do i ever....because like I've told people we become what we experience in life...every comment, look, thought..argument, failure...even the good things that happen to us....and i know i have changed a lot over the year...even with me getting a new job, and the friends I've made...home isn't home anymore...no matter how i rebuild...I miss it...i do, and it's bad because most of our issues were issues that could have been solved...but because there was so much B.S. that covered what was good, it just seemed too be to much. One step forward and 2 steps back eh?....I even thought of staying single...and also getting an op done...i mean that's if she has to get hers...I heard she was getting sick, but I heard that from the center...and i knew exactly why without them telling me...and well...that's how deep i care...it's fucking scary. I knew i cared but this much...anyway it's getting hard to type with the tears. I just wish I could type more because of all the things that have gone on....so much has...i have come so far but still feel like this is Day one...why? does anyone have the answer?

Weekend?!

Well...now i get it, and understand why now...I found out Friday that with in the rules for seeing Dregan & Kiara if i miss 3 consecutive visits they close the file and well...that's it. The sent knows it's completely out of my power...it just costs to much. It's been the one thing that has been hurting me bad...and on top of that well i didn't see them again because they had their play to practise for...so it's pushed for this Friday 4:30 to 6:30 which kinda sucks but at least i get to see them....soooo much i want to do, 2 hrs is not a long time. So much has gone on, I'm still trying to process it in my head...soon i hope i can put things together and write it out. Anyway I have a big day tomorrow....just wanted to write quick about the kids....all i can say is i miss them to death.