It begins...

My restraining order if finally officially over...now it begins. She is wanting this to be over from what I was told, and that it has gone on long enough. What I would love to see happen for the kids is we do this outside of court...they have been put through too much pain to be put through more. If it does come to us going to court I'm fully prepared and have been ready since day one...but I really don't want it to come to that at all...it just adds more un needed pain. I've unblocked her from msn...hoping of some non personal contact...to be honest when I think of her I physically tremble...it will take her a lifetime to regain my trust...and I really don't want to know what's going on with her at all...it still hurt...I just want communication on our kids...and which way we'll resolve this, but I'm not going to hold my breath...time will tell
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Words can't describe...except one...

?
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Changes...

I can feel it in my bones - changes are about to happen...and oddly enough not bad ones...as much as it felt like doom and gloom I have jumped over leaps and bounds to get where I am. ..and even the past two weeks I've felt this vibe where something is about to happen....all I know is I feel a sigh of relief and no sadness...more like a get prepared feeling...excited...so I am thrown off a little bit by that. None the less we shall wait and see.
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Things are falling into place...

I haven't wrote about this yet but I applied for managers position...managing new hires...I can't believe I am almost back to where I was supposed to be....before all this happened. I had the interview today and it went well. He could feel my passion and drive...he did say there was one other person in the fight for the position...but I heard I got the nod from Sean our V.P. It's all so unreal right now...but its true and it shows that I wasn't nor am I a bad person...because if I was anything that she said about me I would be a crack addict poor on welfare beating women...I have anxiously and religiously pray for my time with my kids that I see every Saturday...provided they are brought to the center...my financial life is stable where I can breath...and the friends and popularity I have at work is nuts...and not over popularity...but a lot of people have expressed their approval of me being manager...I'm eager...anxious...to start a new chapter in my life...to lead...to finally allow myself to show my true potential...and when I do read back on this take note to self: You did this on your own...no one else helped you...from rock bottom...literally to here was all you...be proud cause you are one tough smart *#+@$ just don't look back...and keep watching and feeling and it will never steer you wrong.
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3 Years...

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Again...

Again Kiara gets a kidney infection where she was hospitalised and then put on antibiotics...she also had a cold sore on her upper lip...then she starts telling us that the cats are peeing on their clothes and things...and it kills me inside because I can't do anything to stop or help. The whole week only knowing she was in the hospital and not knowing why was incredibly torturing....it really scared me. We had a great time today though...and omg the ran in to see me....literally sprinted :-). I love them sooooo much.
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Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my special Boy Dregan. Sorry I can only wish it to you here on your Birthday, but always know I thought about you all day. :-)

Daddy loves you
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2 days...

In 2 days it will mark the start of 3 years...and like last year it begins again...
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Like I said..

Just as I finished my last post Dregan signed on MSN - only my mom can see him. He even has his pic that reminds him of me...problem is I'm not allowed to say hi...he is that close. I just found out he wants a computer game...*sigh*
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I know now for sure

I can now say without a doubt I have a deep emotional and physical attachment to my kids. Since Thursday night I wasn't feeling right - more or less sad/withdrawn. Not knowing why but this is one weekend where they didn't show up and I know I was thinking of them. I came to my moms today and found out from her that Kiara was in the hospital sick. This is not the first time I've felt like this and then finding out something happened to them. It made me feel sick inside as it still does...not knowing how she is doing.
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