I miss you...

Why me? what did i do? I thought i've paid for my mistakes - i've owend up and moved on...but why do i still miss her? I am not allowed to...I can't in fear of pushing this out longer...i need my kids...its what ive focused and fought for these past three years...so why do i miss a person who did what they did to me? regardless...I miss her so much...and for what it's worth I thank her for one thing...empowering me to be a better person. Today is a very hard day...things are getting closer to ending...and so much change going on...my head and heart can't take much more...but im proud that i never gave up. One thing that hurts me is i almost fell for someone who was like her...but the opposite...and again i get my heart broken...im too nice...god i want to cry so bad right now....

I don't understand!!!!

I just don't understand - everything that has gone on since my last post...damn probably even between mid-august till now things don't make sense...all these people coming back into my life like not a day went by...even my other family. I appreciate it a lot but I don't know where all this is coming from. Look I understand all of what I have gone through is a little old and overdone - I guess I'm afraid to say anything on here...I shouldn't but I have emailed Tina a few times since the last contact with her...no reply but movement...and even wanting me to help...but 2 months ago I was still a monster...I've had dreams...even un-easy feelings of her presence....and I'm not saying that to be mean...but these feelings I have I don't understand why I have them...when I had completely got over her...never looked at one picture of her since I moved from the house...and now its like she's there again...don't get me wrong it would be a blessing for us to be together but facts are facts and she rejected me as a person for her in her life and I've accepted it entirely...I just don't know what to do....all I know is there are days where I hear a sound or a smell something that reminds me of home....
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Why?

Ok - I'm trying to look at things the way others see it but i can't. I really can't believe what happened today was just unreal. I guess i can bite back and bite back hard if i really get pushed...but what i don't get is,why did i have the nerve to finally do it? Why didn't i stand up to Tina like that? Wait maybe this was the lesson? Maybe it's shown me not to worry about standing up for yourself? I always used to until...well...and from then on i didn't stand up for nothing. But today the line was crossed. After being called names and how i'm a grade 9 high school drop out and will be alone forever...and then telling people and starting problems and she wonders why i don't want to be her friend or talk to her. And i get a double whammy because all i think about now is Tina...and not obsessively either...more like she is with me in spirit when times get rough...and even good ones...i don;t know, I try not to pay too much attention to it because she left me right? So there really is no point on dwelling...but i can say one thing about it though...anyway my head really hurts and so does my heart...i had things to say but i've just ran out of steam...will check back later...

Like seriously either crazy which I doubt...

I don't get it...Tina's precense is felt these past few weeks and yes it could be coincedental since I've been talking to dre outside of the center...well YouTube msg's which is better than having to wait every Saturday. But regardless she ha been coming up in conversations and not started by me either...and then I have the Melissa situation where people think we make a very cute couple...but yet trying to help

Don't know what to think...

So for about two weeks now I've been playing with Dre online and chatting through YouTube..as of the 3rd of sept. Kiara as well. Minor comminication with tina is there...it's just there are things that are happening I am not reading into...well I hope I'm not...but I don't know what to think...I mean others have accidentally (just recently) called her my wife...ooopps we meant ex-wife...please dont think in any way I am trying or wanting too get back together with her...she rejected me...so I have to respect that right? But... don't think if there was a chance I wouldn't consider it...it would have to be her to set the tone and make the first step...all it would take is "what time will you be home for dinner?" but I know it will never happen. Maybe the things I'm seeing are just the dust of my past? Little echos of what used to be...but it doesn't matter because I finally I get to talk to my Dre and Kiara during the week..made me the happiest father in the world :-)

Everything is connected...

you know - as much as all my writings have been of purest thought and feeling. The one feeling I've tried to suppress out of fear of retaliation is anger. For the most part i'm not but there is that part that is angry for everything Tina did to me...to us and our children...but that is the past and that was purely her decision, and i have no choice but to respect it and move on. I have in many respects and will continue to do so, but the one problem she never saw coming and nor did i was the spiritual attachment...we both started off early in life and developed a bond and watched each other grow for the good and bad...and even to this day as much as her face really is hard to remember believe it or not, and i think thats due to the fact i haven't looked at a single picture of her since 2006...hurts too much...even when i went to court last year, i didn't even look at her, and mind you i was blind at the time so i wouldn't have anyway. Don't ask me where this is coming from but i found out today why i didn't get my managers position...and it's because i am too passionate?!...yes i am but too much? There is soooo much on my mind right now i even had to pause for a second. I don't know why i brought up Tina anyway- maybe it's because Dre hasn't replied to me in two days and it kinda hurts. I just know there is going to be a part 2 of sorts coming down the road and i don't want it...i want my kids but want to keep things how they are now. Don't get me wrong i will always love Tina as she is the mother of our children - but the pain is too much...and the sad irony behind it all is i became what she wanted of me but yet i had to lose her to accomplish it. I will never ever find someone like her again - no matter what people tell me, and believe me it's not for the lack of trying. She is the only one who brought out the confidence in me, taught me, relied on me and made me feel important..all i see now is people only out for themselves. Part of her will be a part of me as a part of me with her...but thats all. I am in no position to make any moves/decisions or whatever, and even the first email i sent her was hard to do...because it really wasn't what i expected to be my first words to her...and as you read hers i think it was mutually agreed it wasn't easy...sorry if my thoughts are all over the place - but it's been intense the past 2 1/2 weeks and it all has been having an impact on my life and work...thats why i don't want things to change, because i don't want anymore hurt for myself or her or the kids - everything is calm and everyone happy...anyway i'll probably write more later.

Re: Please Read

Thank you for replying - the only thing that confuses me by what you wrote is different from what you said last year: last year you had drafted up a very acceptable agreement/timetable, whatever did happen to that? I agree with the majority of your email, but I can say one thing going through the courts will not just hurt the kids more but everyone emotionally and financially. All I know is I think you and I have been taken for a ride and it's time it stopped. I have only replied to this email as a response to your last. If you do not reply to this one I will not be sending another until a reply is received back from you. All I know is I meant what I said in my previous statement, if you really do feel the same we have to move forward sooner than later with the least negative impact. It really wasn't easy emailing you the first time Tina even now...but after this past Saturday and not being pulled aside asking why I'm writting you gave me the sign that I could trust you, and so I will. I'm just hoping we can keep the momentum going and hopefully hear back from you.

Dave

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

From: T C
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:05:30 +0000
To: <davemat@rogers.blackberry.net>
Subject: RE: Please Read

 
 
I have contacted my lawyer and a date will be set for sometime in September. A decision can then be made regarding a transition from supervised visitation to alternating weekends.  Allowing 24-48 hour visits in your home every other weekend. I do not believe we can or should make any changes prior to that date without the courts consent. We have been bound to the Saturday commitment at Consensus for over 3 years now and although the children have accepted it as part of their weekly routine, they are also limited to only having Sundays as the only morning they can sleep in and their only day to relax. Recognizing their individual needs and respecting their feelings during this process will be very important. Both are very sensitive to any stressful situation and respond with inappropriate behavior (Tantrums and urine retention). I wouldn't recommend this change be at the beginning of the school year. Communicating issues concerning the children and managing them will be difficult to do without having completed any mediation. I will try to explore what resources are available (other than Consensus) and if there are any services, at a low cost, to help us recommence communication and/or assist with transfer. Involving other family members would not be the best solution. I would prefer professional support to insure safety and minimize any conflict while helping the children adjust. They need love & stability most of all. We will somehow have to try to resolve things and make this a positive change. One that can help us all move our lives forward.
 
Best regards,
Tina
 
 
> To: frisky_freya5@hotmail.com
> Subject: Please Read
> From: davemat@rogers.blackberry.net
> Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:53:18 +0000
>
> Tina,
> You may get this, you may not but as you have mentioned to Joanne you want this to stop sooner than later which I will agree with you on.  I'm not writing to ask anything about you or your personal life nor will I divulge anything from mine in the body of this email. We have to find a way to fix this outside of the courts, you know this and so do I, but if you have chosen that route then I will follow your lead.  If not one temporary suggestion is to do the Saturday thing for a month trial having you drop the kids off at my grand parents since you are very comfortable with them.  You can decide weather or not you show up first and then they call me to go get them (which seems like a good idea) or I show up first and then you drop them off, and from there I can have them for the day to go and do whatever we would have planned.  Neither of us can afford the court route - you know this and so do I and it's not doing Dre or Kiara any good.  That's what i think - I don't expect you to write back nor do you have to, if you want go through my family, like my mom or grandparents and from there we build.  I am asking for you to not use this for personal gain - not implying that you are or would, but I am putting a lot of trust in you by writing to you, but my children mean more to me than I think you realise and I am not doing this to jeopardise seeing them, I am writing you because we both agree it's time to move forward.
>
> Thank you for listening, 
> Dave
> Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

Attention all humans. We are your photos. Free us.

Fw: Please Read

She replied..

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

From:
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:05:30 +0000
To: RE: Please Read

 
 
I have contacted my lawyer and a date will be set for sometime in September. A decision can then be made regarding a transition from supervised visitation to alternating weekends.  Allowing 24-48 hour visits in your home every other weekend. I do not believe we can or should make any changes prior to that date without the courts consent. We have been bound to the Saturday commitment at Consensus for over 3 years now and although the children have accepted it as part of their weekly routine, they are also limited to only having Sundays as the only morning they can sleep in and their only day to relax. Recognizing their individual needs and respecting their feelings during this process will be very important. Both are very sensitive to any stressful situation and respond with inappropriate behavior (Tantrums and urine retention). I wouldn't recommend this change be at the beginning of the school year. Communicating issues concerning the children and managing them will be difficult to do without having completed any mediation. I will try to explore what resources are available (other than ........) and if there are any services, at a low cost, to help us recommence communication and/or assist with transfer. Involving other family members would not be the best solution. I would prefer professional support to insure safety and minimize any conflict while helping the children adjust. They need love & stability most of all. We will somehow have to try to resolve things and make this a positive change. One that can help us all move our lives forward.
 
Best regards,
Tina
 
 
> To: frisky_freya5@hotmail.com
> Subject: Please Read
> From: davemat@rogers.blackberry.net
> Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:53:18 +0000
>
> Tina,
> You may get this, you may not but as you have mentioned to Joanne you want this to stop sooner than later which I will agree with you on.  I'm not writing to ask anything about you or your personal life nor will I divulge anything from mine in the body of this email. We have to find a way to fix this outside of the courts, you know this and so do I, but if you have chosen that route then I will follow your lead.  If not one temporary suggestion is to do the Saturday thing for a month trial having you drop the kids off at my grand parents since you are very comfortable with them.  You can decide weather or not you show up first and then they call me to go get them (which seems like a good idea) or I show up first and then you drop them off, and from there I can have them for the day to go and do whatever we would have planned.  Neither of us can afford the court route - you know this and so do I and it's not doing Dre or Kiara any good.  That's what i think - I don't expect you to write back nor do you have to, if you want go through my family, like my mom or grandparents and from there we build.  I am asking for you to not use this for personal gain - not implying that you are or would, but I am putting a lot of trust in you by writing to you, but my children mean more to me than I think you realise and I am not doing this to jeopardise seeing them, I am writing you because we both agree it's time to move forward.
>
> Thank you for listening, 
> Dave
> Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

Attention all humans. We are your photos. Free us.

Fw: Please Read

...

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network



-----Original Message-----

From:



Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:53:18

To:

Subject: Please Read





Tina,

You may get this, you may not but as you have mentioned to Joanne you want this to stop sooner than later which I will agree with you on.  I'm not writing to ask anything about you or your personal life nor will I divulge anything from mine in the body of this email. We have to find a way to fix this outside of the courts, you know this and so do I, but if you have chosen that route then I will follow your lead.  If not one temporary suggestion is to do the Saturday thing for a month trial having you drop the kids off at my grand parents since you are very comfortable with them.  You can decide weather or not you show up first and then they call me to go get them (which seems like a good idea) or I show up first and then you drop them off, and from there I can have them for the day to go and do whatever we would have planned.  Neither of us can afford the court route - you know this and so do I and it's not doing Dre or Kiara any good.  That's what i think - I don't expect you to write back nor do you have to, if you want go through my family, like my mom or grandparents and from there we build.  I am asking for you to not use this for personal gain - not implying that you are or would, but I am putting a lot of trust in you by writing to you, but my children mean more to me than I think you realise and I am not doing this to jeopardise seeing them, I am writing you because we both agree it's time to move forward.



Thank you for listening, 

Dave

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Stop?!

...Are we supposed to understand everything life shoots our way? Do we question it? Tina is at width ends with all of this and so am I....work on top of that has been rough...especially hunting for my managers position...second time around. Am I on the right road to happiness and success? Or is it the road of illusions? I know the one the I lack to complete me is a significant other...my soul mate...partner...someone who I can vent too and have them tell me things will be ok...if I had that nothing would stand in my way...so why can't I do this on my own? So many questions...and not enough answers...anyway back to work....
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network