Last one for tonight

It's Valentine's Day...this is sooooo fucked....doing what I'm doing especially on this day....I wonder if the dreams will stop and the curse will go away...and I also wonder if I'll get some of the old me back? Or am I asking for too much?...all I know is my head is fucked up...and I didn't realize these wounds were deeper than I really realized...or at least I didn't think it would affect me this much...but I'm taking things in stride and trying to hold on to this wave...biggest one yet and so far this year I've been bombarded with a lot so far...none really bad but wtf...anyway I really should try and get to bed...I have to move allllll of the stuff down stairs and work tomorrow and be ready for 1pm then finish my day...put things back or what's left then back to work then bed...ughhhh
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

Another break...

Well it does show something...not only what I've done tonight (junking)...I also did something I didn't think I'd ever do again but sitting here after the fact I know why...not a good reason but a reason none the less...I think doing what I'm doing is opening up a lot of wounds knowing that the end of my chapter of what I had has come to a close...so in essence I'm punishing myself? I'm sure it's the last as this is a big change...and on top of that I've been writing up a storm recently on here so somethings up...till I have another break or though...I went skiing btw..u know what that means.
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

While I have a min...

It's funny how life works...I'm in the middle of trying to get rid of and sort all the stuff from 16 years of a life...junked 7 bags on saturday and now a shit load more...but I know its for a reason as change is coming...and keep in mind I'm not doing this cause I want to as I have no choice...but it's neat to see how life does work...it will do things like this but most people don't see it for what things are...the only catch it is impartial to good or bad...it just does. But if u have the hyper sensitivity I have for life u will start to see the same...anyway back to work :/
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

Reality?

K like seriously...I have to learn now to start to control the gift I have. After looking at things on every angle to ensure I'm not nuts, I've come to the conclusion its real. I think everyone has it but with all the distractions in life we never realize and know. I've had time..5 years to see. It's in my writings; before and after, which shows validity. My problem is I have to start to figure out how to either control it or at least get in sync with it...one thing I will say now as more proof...something is building up to something..lol...sorry I know double word but it's true and its the only way I know how to describe it...not sure if it's good or bad but it's their...all I know is I got a surprise today by getting 800$ from the gov...on top of the $800 bonus from work last month...but its not money...it's something else. I'll keep you posted...but this is soooo fucked it's not funny.
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

Why does this happen

I'm up @ 4:30 and can't sleep...checked out fb and everyone seems to be getting into relationships or about too...don't get me wrong it makes me happy to see others happy...but when will I get my turn again? Or was my 10 years with Tina all that I will ever get? The way its going, and as each day goes by I will be alone forever. I may have my friends, but friends can only be there to a certain degree. I'm almost ready to accept it in defiance...but it hurts so much being alone. And what hurts the most is all women want now is men who are assholes...I don't want to be one! But unless I become one none will take me seriously...so this is my conundrum. I basically feel like the ugliest person in the world who no one wants anymore...maybe Tina really did put a curse on me that day...she screamed it so loud with conviction that just maybe she was heard and effectively won and killed my life...because it's never been this hard for me to find someone...now no one will look @ me. I don't care, yes I'm feeling very sorry for myself and I'm am most certainly allowed. I fought for 5 years for what I have today which are my kids, and had I distracted myself I would not have what I have today...I just need that person to complete me. They don't realize that my spell will be broken...and what lies within can be reborn and thrive. Sometime in life certain things can only grown under certain conditions..like my situation. But unless that happens, as each day goes by my heart and chances slowly disappear. If I'm right and have been right about most, than this is it for me...I wonder if I should just bow out quietly
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

I just

I just want to feel loved again...I miss it so much it's killing my heart.
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

OMFG....

Ok at this point I can't prove it anymore except on here and with myself. But after cutting Tina off with me and all communication life in the past 3 weeks have been uneasy but perfect?!...I don't like it at all....that's not true; I do like it but I just became a scared rabbit. I just know good things are happening and fast...I don't know what to do. :/ I guess I just don't want that shoe to drop where I invest my heart again...that's what's bothering me. Anyway we'll see how the rest of the night goes and when I wake up.
Sent from my BlackBerry or iPhone on the Rogers Wireless Network

I know everything does happen for a reason...

My insecurities stem from people staring at me...i've finally figured this out, which to me is something i need to change. How did i come to this conclusion? Well since I came full circle and told her where to go and that i was uncom

You can inherit others...

I finally came to the conclusion after the past 3 weeks of drama, that my ex has very serious mental issues that do not stem from me and i also came full circle. What started it all...and i mean from day one and the website i was told she was on? Well she was...and i found her, by accident. It hurt like a knife in the back and chest at the same time...but i needed it. Even writing this i feel some anxiety, but it's probably the triple triple i bought....but i stood my ground because i spoke the truth all these years and pushed back (metaphorically speaking). She really has no power on me..and i really am done with her. I did try, never ever put doubt in your mind that you weren't noble and loyal...even though times have changed and people don't see the value of that anymore doesn't mean it isn't a good thing. Not many men would stand by their family despite the lies that were fed to them. So this very well be the end of the story..i mean there will still be drama...but i mean "the story". Now it's time to get better...and what i mean by that is i can feel the sickness she gave...like almost brainwashed, but not...i can see the truth and feel who i was. It's just relearning and reconditioning...I think that's what was the main focus to suppress...me. With the dark cloud always hanging over me i could never be 100% me and always shied away which i was never like...because if that were the case i would have been in a different situation by now. But on the other hand i would not have learned what i have. I am more of a man than most, and im not saying that with arrogance..im saying this because i learned from my mistakes...most don't and keep repeating. Be proud of what you've accomplished Dave...and yes im talking in the 3rd person..you did more than most and look at where your sitting...i know it' snot exactly where you want to be but you were left in the dust with nothing dude...like ZERO...lost your kid, house, car, career...and everything in between. You fought for your rights to see your kids and won, you don't have a house but managed to stay in the same place since...a car to come soon...your back on top almost like you never skipped a beat..but you still need to man up and take whats yours...you got more talent than your giving yourself credit for...your bankruptcy is almost done, you have zero debt. Time to start fresh come the new year...so do yourself a favor. Take a short breather but mentally prepare for new times, and good times. It's over Dave...it's time for oyu to be happy. You deserve it..more than you know.

What started it all surfaced...

This weekend was very symbolic...one thing that i just realized now which is very significant...i found her on a dating website...the very one the co-worker told me about. After 5 years of trying to rebuild trust in one and other went right out the window. I can never trust her again, nor even talk to her. The anger, and negative feeling i can't take anymore...no matter how much i do love her. She is sick and has a lot of mental problems and i am so better off without her...but i've now wasted 5 years of being pretty much loyal to this woman as most men would give up, i continued to try and fix and fight for what was right. I lost...all it took was "the website". She is off my phone, and is told any type of communication is through email only and for emergencies only...but to mainly go through Dre. I know it is a little immature, but what i went through and now what i've just come to find out has all been a lie for the past 5 years, i think i am allowed to do one small immature thing...but it's for a very good reason. Like i've always said unless we are together we can not co-exist...that's how strong our energy is...anyway yeah.