I don't know...

is this for real? so much has gone on and I don't know if I'm going crazy or I see what I see...I'm in hunger pain right now waiting to call the hospital for my CT scan of my stomach...I'm in so much pain it's scary...and to top it all off Tina and work have been playing major roles recently...like a bubble about to pop...anyway half hour till I call..

Mobile Blogging from here.

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And to think...

And to think it was going to end this easy - like Dre said she has a hard time making up her mind...the last email she sent was 180 from how she usually is...when I'm 50 and read all of this where will I be? Happy or eternally miserable?

Mobile Blogging from here.

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The sign...

This may very well be the last post to this blog as a sign was given and the war finally over? I won the fight - I got my kids...not fully but enough to make a change in their lives for the better. I'm ending this blog because last Friday she gave me her answer and sign. I asked her in an email and professed my feelings to her, but also gave her assurance that it was only with me and i understood fully if she didn't feel the same back and she not need to worry about anything. Well her answer was to bring her new boyfriend to exchange the kids...why? She did so before without anyone - so myself as well as others firmly believe she is doing two things..one thing is to get under my skin which didn't happen...and two she isn't happy and wants to try and get me to come into her world...she killed the last of our spark. We will never be again and i have now come to terms with it. It feels good knowing i will be better off and life will be better...i'm just sad that she can't stop or let go. For her sake i hope she does because if she does she will eventually have a happier life...she is a smart woman and wish her all the best. As for the blog i am hoping to get this published for my kids and others...hopefully my pain will help others make better choices. My pain can be a glimpse into others future.

It begins...

She is about to walk in the door...I'm scared
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Tomorrow...

3 years 10 months and 17 days since she left...on the 18th day we come face to face...
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On this day

Today: January 23rd 2010 @ 9:37am Dregan, Kiara and I took our first steps together in freedom and came home...
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It begins...

This could very well be one of my last posts for sometime to come...I'm am now in the biggest fight of my life to ensure the bond between my children never dies. She has finally drew her sword and dug her feet in the ground...this Saturday will be the first day since the day they left that they'll be home in their Daddy's arms, but it's comming with a price. This fight is of the financial one...and its winner take all with the cards stacked higher than they've ever been stacked in my life. As I look at this as a whole - the beginning was the taste on a minute scale of what is and was to come, and the choice of walking away or fighting for what I believe in. Believe me the taste was bitter and every day was another day facing it always the first thing @ the forefront of my mind. I came this far - even with every single hurdle that has just been put in front of me literally within the past 72hrs have been everything that I had to endure for the past 4 years. All in one shot and twice the intensity - needless to say as much as I've never been more scared in my life of losing...I know now no matter what the outcome Dre & Kiara will always love their daddy and this will have solidified the love between us and can and never will be broken. She seems to think this is about power, money, or who's the better person...funny thing is the only thing I think this is about for me is love...and doing nothing but giving every second of it to my kids - and doing it without the thought of what happened. I keep their world secure and feeling like nothing ever happened. I'm very proud of myself for one thing - I never saw myself as a fighter...or someone who would fight for something to this magnitude...because in all honesty...if it wasn't Dregan or Kiara I would have definitely not have fought this hard for this long if they didn't mean the world to me...actually even if I was offered the world it wouldn't be enough...the world does not have the spirits my children have. This is why as I started my march, and prepared to draw my sword as well - I still keep getting images of her and who she was...sometimes I think maybe we've been given bad info and kept our hurt ongoing...because I know I've never did anything that bad to hurt her this way...but I don't hope anymore...because it is what it is and I've accepted it...but why hasn't she let go? Questions I'll probably never find out or know - but one thing I'm allowed to have is room for her in my heart forever...because this was a tragic love story that ended too soon...there is good in her...hiding...scared and sad. One day I pray she find her way. And as for me I move forward working long hours from 8:30am to 7pm non stop everyday until I'm at the top - I'm going back to basics...like Mike said my Director..."We've forgot what its like to be hungry"...he's right. I just wanted to make sure I posted this since like I said it begins, anything can happen now at this point.
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Re: Merry Christmas

Hey -
I know you're trying your best to get things done and done right. I did speak to joanne earlier this week and she is very aware of everything and told me to be there @ 8:45am so I am assuming they are a go for it. I understand where your coming from on the dates and everything but its small stuff. Don't stress too much Tina please. You have a lot of other things you need to be focused on, this will eventually be worked out. Just don't stop the momentum please. I've been excited and anxious since I got the news and it would be the best gift ever if we can keep this Saturday as the initial exchanged visit. I can do anything you need to help make it easier for you. If being there for 9am doesn't work for you I'm ok with that. We can keep the 9:30 thing, but I do know they do close late when they have later visits - so returning I assume is ok with the time. I guess what I'm trying to get at is regardless of dates and times all of us are on board to get this resolved - I don't think the little details are too much of a hurdle for anyone so let's not keep this delayed please. And I think if we both can move forward despite the dates and times it will alleviate a lot of stress for you and I having to rush. This can be a easy transition. Sorry if the email is rambled - I woke up not to long ago and realized you wrote me. I wanted to get something off to you right away because I'm hoping you can be ok with this Saturday - even if this one visit is regular hours but where I can just pick them up and drop them off. Can we have this weekend of freedom Tina? It would be a very good way to start off the new year. Last I will talk to joanne first thing tomorrow to let her know what's up and so she can communicate back what can and should be done. Really this is a no brainer. Anyway don't worry about emailing me back - I'm sure you don't have the time so it's ok. Just please consider this Saturday please - it would mean the world to the kids and I. I hope things are as well as they can be for you and I'm hoping things have stabilized for your dad.

Dave

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From: T C <frisky_freya5@hotmail.com>

Date: Fri, 8 Jan 2010 02:55:34 +0000

To: <davemat@rogers.blackberry.net>

Subject: RE: Merry Christmas

I received the email copy of the court papers this evening and read through it. The dates and times are inaccurate so now its going to delay signing things until it is corrected. In order for there to be supervised exchanges with a written report for 3 weeks (Jan 2,16,23) it must fall within the hours that Concensus is open which is 9:30-3:30, not the 9-7pm. As well, the first weekend should be stated as Jan 29-Jan 31. I am scheduled to work that Sat/Sun which is the reason why I am rushing to get things legally organized with you. If things are not regulated by tomorrow, then I am concerned it is not going to begin until the 2nd weekend of February. The other thing that has not been determined is where the exchange will be made. I had suggested Dorval Mall, if that works for you. Being there by 6pm is going to be somewhat difficult, since most often I pick them up from daycare after school between 4:30-5pm and it all depends on traffic. We have a few weeks to figure those details out.  I have also requested a session of mediation before the first weekend access begins. I will try to discuss this with Johanne on Saturday and she will let you know as to when we plan to do that. If I hear back from my lawyer and can get things arranged to start this Saturday I will try to email you tomorrow night if I have time.

Tina

> To: frisky_freya5@hotmail.com
> Subject: Merry Christmas
> From: davemat@rogers.blackberry.net
> Date: Sat, 26 Dec 2009 03:10:20 +0000
>
> Merry Christmas Tina - I know it may not be the right thing to say right now with everything your going through, but I thought it might be ok. The only reason why I'm emailing and ill keep it short, but I was and my grand parents tonight and grandma said you didn't want to deal with courts and lawyers? And honestly Tina I don't know if it was you or just a very random coincidence (the fact you were trying to get a hold of your lawyer for some time) but I was served last Monday and I didn't know what to think at that point but obviously to fight which is the last thing I want to do and I am almost certain now that's the last thing you want to do. Sorry I know I said this was going to be short but after doing a lot of logical thinking and hearing other info from family - I honestly think Tina we are both being taken for a ride...its my point of view because of certain things said by my lawyer and yours and others...its nice to let others just talk sometimes. They say more than they actually think and know. I really am sorry what your going through - because I know sometime soon it will be my turn with mom and I don't know how your coping. Anyway - this email was in no way trying to be intrusive or be an ass or whatever...I guess even though we're not together the family still talks about you and misses you...especially my grandparents. I will leave you be now...I could go on all night but its not fair to you and honestly I debated emailing you since I haven't heard back and because of court last week...I hope this email was ok.
>
> Please take good care
> Dave
> Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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What's wrong??...

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel? Even today ted said he felt an aura about me...his mood fed off how I was feeling...I didn't do or say anything to warrant anyone asking me if I was ok. To be honest I did feel off not sure why - maybe rough night sleeping. Other than that it was biz as usual. But I'm making a point by saying what ted had mentioned to me today, since its true. When I'm hyper and things are just flowing everyone around me feeds off of it...and like ted said only his mother and I are the only ones in his life where that happens to him. Lol I did find it funny but in a sense I felt honoured... I had to bring you up to speed with that and also what's been going on with the kids - and yes it looks like it's getting closer to an end and resolve. I really don't want to say anything now but once I see a working footprint ill let you know. Last but not least...I can say one thing - I know I have a lot in store for me...everyone says and thinks I deserve it all...but I don't see that happening...who knows....I pray.
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I miss you...

Why me? what did i do? I thought i've paid for my mistakes - i've owend up and moved on...but why do i still miss her? I am not allowed to...I can't in fear of pushing this out longer...i need my kids...its what ive focused and fought for these past three years...so why do i miss a person who did what they did to me? regardless...I miss her so much...and for what it's worth I thank her for one thing...empowering me to be a better person. Today is a very hard day...things are getting closer to ending...and so much change going on...my head and heart can't take much more...but im proud that i never gave up. One thing that hurts me is i almost fell for someone who was like her...but the opposite...and again i get my heart broken...im too nice...god i want to cry so bad right now....