I get it but don't...

I know that I'm learning lifes lessons...being groomed for something better and being positioned to ultimately win this nightmare I've been living. I feel it inside that its all unfolding how it should...I know I'm impatient to say the least, but feeling what could be is driving me nuts...I just don't get why I'm "pre-feeling" all of it? Is it hope of what I want? That I don't think so...cause I know certain things that will disprove that thought...I just can't write them here.
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It never...

It never ends...my life since day one has become a flurry of hard lessons in life...and life has shown me it is very real and very conscious. I can't let in on what happened...but it could be the biggest x-mas miracle...but I can safely say especially to you Dre and Kiara...it took everything daddy had...and all of this is out of love...I'm not scared anymore, and neither should the two of you ;-) I can't say I am going to get my whole cake - but you know daddy has always taught you that sharing is a good thing. I'm very cautious about today and my emotions because like I said earlier the past 2 years have been hell for me...literally. Every time things look good something happens and screws it up...so I'm keeping this close to the chest...only ones who know are my parents. The energy I am about to exert over the next month or so could either change things drastically...or it could pretty much physically, mentally and emotionally destroy me - I am so tired...and I can imagine so are the kids :-( Anyway back to work...ummm yeah back to work...just to show I'm even putting extra hours to accomplish and hopefully get that X-mas miracle.
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Sometimes...

I cried tonight while being on the phone with a counselor. I know one pain point that I discovered tonight cause when I cried I was angry. I know now all of this was designed to destroy my self esteem, trust, dignity - I lost it all, and now I am holding on for dear life...praying for peace and the time with my kids...I pointed out no one really cared about my kids as they are suffering and it shows...I told them of how and where I see them and some things that I have questioned have never been addressed. They took some of what I said to concern - they told me they may have to intervene which now is making me scared of what's to come. She did say I've carried a lot well for a very long time...more then others could...and I "should feel good" that I'm doing such a good job. If I was they'd be home. I needed to be sure I put this down in case its used against me saying I'm trying something...I didn't call them initially for the kids...it was work related and my self esteem...it just ended up centering around the kids in the end...my face hurts right now from crying...I've done so much damage since this all started to my face that every time I cry now it burns my face...those are the true scars of love....
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I don't...

Ok - I seriously don't understand why...but my gut is telling me to do this one last thing and keeping it close to the chest hence why I am not even giving notion as to what but for myself reading I know. But if I'm right I might have renewed my faith and hope for brining my kids home...well at least weekends...for now. I had to post this cause I couldn't sleep...and I needed this post to remind myself it feels right, even the thought...just the thought. So if you have your doubts...don't. What more do you have to lose? Nothing at all...but I can say one thing, your not a coward.
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Ringing words...

"If you love something let it go if it comes back to you its yours if it doesn't it was never meant to be" - ...we'll see
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