My potential first words to her...

Like I told my mom tonight, its like everything is going forward but backwards at the same time...just like an explosion...and for 3 years I could only think of what I wanted to say as my first words...as I never had the chance to truly say what needed to be said as my closure...but...it won't turn out that way...funny thing is its the complete opposite. As much as I'm surprised, when you read it below you will see how much love and how much hurt and pain I swallowed when I could have done it the opposite...on second thought...I will post the letter Saturday with a follow up to see if things will ever be ok...
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Love is Health is Love...

Its official (by me) - my health has become very poor and shows. I've struggled for three years to manage to survive and not taking the easy way out by not working. I in all sense of the phrase "sacrificed my body and soul"...and I did it out of love...the love for my kids...I didn't do it intentionally but with the money I needed just to be able to see them for 6hrs and what I pay in support left me with just enough to live with bare minimum...and after three years it has finally taken its toll. I'm not saying I'm dying - but her change in stance with everything is a blessing because I know I won't last another year like this. Its not just not having, its also the emotional stress I have to go through every week...its hard not to have had the chance to be a full time parent...missing out on their first plays..first swim,bike ride (without training wheels)...all the first time things...all I know is if this doesn't end soon the ones who really lost since March 8th 2006 @ 9:37am were my children...because I'm actually nervous about it for real now.
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It begins...

My restraining order if finally officially over...now it begins. She is wanting this to be over from what I was told, and that it has gone on long enough. What I would love to see happen for the kids is we do this outside of court...they have been put through too much pain to be put through more. If it does come to us going to court I'm fully prepared and have been ready since day one...but I really don't want it to come to that at all...it just adds more un needed pain. I've unblocked her from msn...hoping of some non personal contact...to be honest when I think of her I physically tremble...it will take her a lifetime to regain my trust...and I really don't want to know what's going on with her at all...it still hurt...I just want communication on our kids...and which way we'll resolve this, but I'm not going to hold my breath...time will tell
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Words can't describe...except one...

?
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Changes...

I can feel it in my bones - changes are about to happen...and oddly enough not bad ones...as much as it felt like doom and gloom I have jumped over leaps and bounds to get where I am. ..and even the past two weeks I've felt this vibe where something is about to happen....all I know is I feel a sigh of relief and no sadness...more like a get prepared feeling...excited...so I am thrown off a little bit by that. None the less we shall wait and see.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network