What happens next?

I don't know anymore - now I just don't know. One min she tells me all this stuff, like she's emotionally weak, and some of her days @ work and then the next second back to being cold?!?! It really hit home though hearing her Dad in the background...he was intown for surgery which I'm hoping will finally make him better...I liked him...but anyway yeah, when I heard his voice it just made it hard for me...The kids tell me to hope? Well Dre does, but I don't think he understands...he says he does but...its just weird...I don't even know why I'm blogging this to tell you the truth. All I know is tonight I realized I'm in tune with a lot now...I still need to tweak a few things here and there but I am. I also realized the more @ peace I am the better I see...the more the opposite I become the less I see. Tonight proved it...especially knowing a month before tonight that it would happen? LOL...yeah figure that out. And it was when my and a friend Randy were trying to meet up for coffee when I sent him a msg and once done I noticed my friend grace posted a status...and for a second I pictured them too meeting...but not actually thinking that. There was no thought process to how I knew tonight would be...grace txt'd me earlier to see about hanging out and when I called her I was txt'ing my friend Randy trying to make plans, when grace blurted out that one of my friends just sent a request to be added and when she told me who I knew...I laughed and told her that's kinda ironic because I was txt'ing him as we spoke. Now keep in mind neither of them had ANY prior knowledge that I even hung out with either until I told them. So plans for coffee were made and yeah....she is probably still on the phone with him lol. It was really cool seeing Randy though - been 5 years but that was a blur cause it was fresh separation...like 4 months I think. I don't remember a lot of the first year. But yeah he hasn't changed since high school, looks older but still the same. Then I came home to a msg congratulating me on getting my kids sorta back...that was the icing. But tonight had purpose and meaning. Even with the SuperMoon we had tonight there is more to come. Anyway nite
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Day of change

Tomorrow is going to hopefully be a day of change. New job..I should have it no problem. I'm just glad I guess I'm not going to be let go for "missing" In a way though I don't care @ this point. The place isn't the same since I left and even if I did stay I wouldn't get my clients back. I see everyone struggling even top reps - so maybe it is a sign to change. When and how though will I get my sign with Tina? Someday's things look like there's hope and other days...I don't know. I'm sorry for always talking about this...I guess this is the only real place I can talk about it. I don't like talking to others anymore because its old news and most don't really know what to say anymore. I guess she confuses me when she says one thing and does another...so regardless if she said we will never be, why does she let me in on her personal and physical pain? One of the last things we talked about was work and she said "Its not easy I know..they made me feel guilty when I took time off". I know its not severely personal, but like she said communication is strictly about the kids? Ummm this wasn't. As much as I'd like to read into it I can't and shouldn't. But I care for her so much. I don't think anyone else could or will...and even "if" she met someone they don't nor will they ever know her like I do...and that I'm very confident in. Like I told my dad - maybe her and I are destined to live apart and be single yet be together? I know it sounds odd but I don't have any other explanation...she is like my estranged wife...and the term fits if u look it up. Anyway I'm going to try and get some sleep...I just hope I'm being looked over and watched over...the emptiness I feel without her is real...she is the other part of me I am seriously lacking. If she only knew...
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