On this day

Today: January 23rd 2010 @ 9:37am Dregan, Kiara and I took our first steps together in freedom and came home...
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It begins...

This could very well be one of my last posts for sometime to come...I'm am now in the biggest fight of my life to ensure the bond between my children never dies. She has finally drew her sword and dug her feet in the ground...this Saturday will be the first day since the day they left that they'll be home in their Daddy's arms, but it's comming with a price. This fight is of the financial one...and its winner take all with the cards stacked higher than they've ever been stacked in my life. As I look at this as a whole - the beginning was the taste on a minute scale of what is and was to come, and the choice of walking away or fighting for what I believe in. Believe me the taste was bitter and every day was another day facing it always the first thing @ the forefront of my mind. I came this far - even with every single hurdle that has just been put in front of me literally within the past 72hrs have been everything that I had to endure for the past 4 years. All in one shot and twice the intensity - needless to say as much as I've never been more scared in my life of losing...I know now no matter what the outcome Dre & Kiara will always love their daddy and this will have solidified the love between us and can and never will be broken. She seems to think this is about power, money, or who's the better person...funny thing is the only thing I think this is about for me is love...and doing nothing but giving every second of it to my kids - and doing it without the thought of what happened. I keep their world secure and feeling like nothing ever happened. I'm very proud of myself for one thing - I never saw myself as a fighter...or someone who would fight for something to this magnitude...because in all honesty...if it wasn't Dregan or Kiara I would have definitely not have fought this hard for this long if they didn't mean the world to me...actually even if I was offered the world it wouldn't be enough...the world does not have the spirits my children have. This is why as I started my march, and prepared to draw my sword as well - I still keep getting images of her and who she was...sometimes I think maybe we've been given bad info and kept our hurt ongoing...because I know I've never did anything that bad to hurt her this way...but I don't hope anymore...because it is what it is and I've accepted it...but why hasn't she let go? Questions I'll probably never find out or know - but one thing I'm allowed to have is room for her in my heart forever...because this was a tragic love story that ended too soon...there is good in her...hiding...scared and sad. One day I pray she find her way. And as for me I move forward working long hours from 8:30am to 7pm non stop everyday until I'm at the top - I'm going back to basics...like Mike said my Director..."We've forgot what its like to be hungry"...he's right. I just wanted to make sure I posted this since like I said it begins, anything can happen now at this point.
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Re: Merry Christmas

Hey -
I know you're trying your best to get things done and done right. I did speak to joanne earlier this week and she is very aware of everything and told me to be there @ 8:45am so I am assuming they are a go for it. I understand where your coming from on the dates and everything but its small stuff. Don't stress too much Tina please. You have a lot of other things you need to be focused on, this will eventually be worked out. Just don't stop the momentum please. I've been excited and anxious since I got the news and it would be the best gift ever if we can keep this Saturday as the initial exchanged visit. I can do anything you need to help make it easier for you. If being there for 9am doesn't work for you I'm ok with that. We can keep the 9:30 thing, but I do know they do close late when they have later visits - so returning I assume is ok with the time. I guess what I'm trying to get at is regardless of dates and times all of us are on board to get this resolved - I don't think the little details are too much of a hurdle for anyone so let's not keep this delayed please. And I think if we both can move forward despite the dates and times it will alleviate a lot of stress for you and I having to rush. This can be a easy transition. Sorry if the email is rambled - I woke up not to long ago and realized you wrote me. I wanted to get something off to you right away because I'm hoping you can be ok with this Saturday - even if this one visit is regular hours but where I can just pick them up and drop them off. Can we have this weekend of freedom Tina? It would be a very good way to start off the new year. Last I will talk to joanne first thing tomorrow to let her know what's up and so she can communicate back what can and should be done. Really this is a no brainer. Anyway don't worry about emailing me back - I'm sure you don't have the time so it's ok. Just please consider this Saturday please - it would mean the world to the kids and I. I hope things are as well as they can be for you and I'm hoping things have stabilized for your dad.

Dave

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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From: T C <frisky_freya5@hotmail.com>

Date: Fri, 8 Jan 2010 02:55:34 +0000

To: <davemat@rogers.blackberry.net>

Subject: RE: Merry Christmas

I received the email copy of the court papers this evening and read through it. The dates and times are inaccurate so now its going to delay signing things until it is corrected. In order for there to be supervised exchanges with a written report for 3 weeks (Jan 2,16,23) it must fall within the hours that Concensus is open which is 9:30-3:30, not the 9-7pm. As well, the first weekend should be stated as Jan 29-Jan 31. I am scheduled to work that Sat/Sun which is the reason why I am rushing to get things legally organized with you. If things are not regulated by tomorrow, then I am concerned it is not going to begin until the 2nd weekend of February. The other thing that has not been determined is where the exchange will be made. I had suggested Dorval Mall, if that works for you. Being there by 6pm is going to be somewhat difficult, since most often I pick them up from daycare after school between 4:30-5pm and it all depends on traffic. We have a few weeks to figure those details out.  I have also requested a session of mediation before the first weekend access begins. I will try to discuss this with Johanne on Saturday and she will let you know as to when we plan to do that. If I hear back from my lawyer and can get things arranged to start this Saturday I will try to email you tomorrow night if I have time.

Tina

> To: frisky_freya5@hotmail.com
> Subject: Merry Christmas
> From: davemat@rogers.blackberry.net
> Date: Sat, 26 Dec 2009 03:10:20 +0000
>
> Merry Christmas Tina - I know it may not be the right thing to say right now with everything your going through, but I thought it might be ok. The only reason why I'm emailing and ill keep it short, but I was and my grand parents tonight and grandma said you didn't want to deal with courts and lawyers? And honestly Tina I don't know if it was you or just a very random coincidence (the fact you were trying to get a hold of your lawyer for some time) but I was served last Monday and I didn't know what to think at that point but obviously to fight which is the last thing I want to do and I am almost certain now that's the last thing you want to do. Sorry I know I said this was going to be short but after doing a lot of logical thinking and hearing other info from family - I honestly think Tina we are both being taken for a ride...its my point of view because of certain things said by my lawyer and yours and others...its nice to let others just talk sometimes. They say more than they actually think and know. I really am sorry what your going through - because I know sometime soon it will be my turn with mom and I don't know how your coping. Anyway - this email was in no way trying to be intrusive or be an ass or whatever...I guess even though we're not together the family still talks about you and misses you...especially my grandparents. I will leave you be now...I could go on all night but its not fair to you and honestly I debated emailing you since I haven't heard back and because of court last week...I hope this email was ok.
>
> Please take good care
> Dave
> Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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What's wrong??...

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel? Even today ted said he felt an aura about me...his mood fed off how I was feeling...I didn't do or say anything to warrant anyone asking me if I was ok. To be honest I did feel off not sure why - maybe rough night sleeping. Other than that it was biz as usual. But I'm making a point by saying what ted had mentioned to me today, since its true. When I'm hyper and things are just flowing everyone around me feeds off of it...and like ted said only his mother and I are the only ones in his life where that happens to him. Lol I did find it funny but in a sense I felt honoured... I had to bring you up to speed with that and also what's been going on with the kids - and yes it looks like it's getting closer to an end and resolve. I really don't want to say anything now but once I see a working footprint ill let you know. Last but not least...I can say one thing - I know I have a lot in store for me...everyone says and thinks I deserve it all...but I don't see that happening...who knows....I pray.
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I miss you...

Why me? what did i do? I thought i've paid for my mistakes - i've owend up and moved on...but why do i still miss her? I am not allowed to...I can't in fear of pushing this out longer...i need my kids...its what ive focused and fought for these past three years...so why do i miss a person who did what they did to me? regardless...I miss her so much...and for what it's worth I thank her for one thing...empowering me to be a better person. Today is a very hard day...things are getting closer to ending...and so much change going on...my head and heart can't take much more...but im proud that i never gave up. One thing that hurts me is i almost fell for someone who was like her...but the opposite...and again i get my heart broken...im too nice...god i want to cry so bad right now....

I don't understand!!!!

I just don't understand - everything that has gone on since my last post...damn probably even between mid-august till now things don't make sense...all these people coming back into my life like not a day went by...even my other family. I appreciate it a lot but I don't know where all this is coming from. Look I understand all of what I have gone through is a little old and overdone - I guess I'm afraid to say anything on here...I shouldn't but I have emailed Tina a few times since the last contact with her...no reply but movement...and even wanting me to help...but 2 months ago I was still a monster...I've had dreams...even un-easy feelings of her presence....and I'm not saying that to be mean...but these feelings I have I don't understand why I have them...when I had completely got over her...never looked at one picture of her since I moved from the house...and now its like she's there again...don't get me wrong it would be a blessing for us to be together but facts are facts and she rejected me as a person for her in her life and I've accepted it entirely...I just don't know what to do....all I know is there are days where I hear a sound or a smell something that reminds me of home....
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Why?

Ok - I'm trying to look at things the way others see it but i can't. I really can't believe what happened today was just unreal. I guess i can bite back and bite back hard if i really get pushed...but what i don't get is,why did i have the nerve to finally do it? Why didn't i stand up to Tina like that? Wait maybe this was the lesson? Maybe it's shown me not to worry about standing up for yourself? I always used to until...well...and from then on i didn't stand up for nothing. But today the line was crossed. After being called names and how i'm a grade 9 high school drop out and will be alone forever...and then telling people and starting problems and she wonders why i don't want to be her friend or talk to her. And i get a double whammy because all i think about now is Tina...and not obsessively either...more like she is with me in spirit when times get rough...and even good ones...i don;t know, I try not to pay too much attention to it because she left me right? So there really is no point on dwelling...but i can say one thing about it though...anyway my head really hurts and so does my heart...i had things to say but i've just ran out of steam...will check back later...

Like seriously either crazy which I doubt...

I don't get it...Tina's precense is felt these past few weeks and yes it could be coincedental since I've been talking to dre outside of the center...well YouTube msg's which is better than having to wait every Saturday. But regardless she ha been coming up in conversations and not started by me either...and then I have the Melissa situation where people think we make a very cute couple...but yet trying to help

Don't know what to think...

So for about two weeks now I've been playing with Dre online and chatting through YouTube..as of the 3rd of sept. Kiara as well. Minor comminication with tina is there...it's just there are things that are happening I am not reading into...well I hope I'm not...but I don't know what to think...I mean others have accidentally (just recently) called her my wife...ooopps we meant ex-wife...please dont think in any way I am trying or wanting too get back together with her...she rejected me...so I have to respect that right? But... don't think if there was a chance I wouldn't consider it...it would have to be her to set the tone and make the first step...all it would take is "what time will you be home for dinner?" but I know it will never happen. Maybe the things I'm seeing are just the dust of my past? Little echos of what used to be...but it doesn't matter because I finally I get to talk to my Dre and Kiara during the week..made me the happiest father in the world :-)

Everything is connected...

you know - as much as all my writings have been of purest thought and feeling. The one feeling I've tried to suppress out of fear of retaliation is anger. For the most part i'm not but there is that part that is angry for everything Tina did to me...to us and our children...but that is the past and that was purely her decision, and i have no choice but to respect it and move on. I have in many respects and will continue to do so, but the one problem she never saw coming and nor did i was the spiritual attachment...we both started off early in life and developed a bond and watched each other grow for the good and bad...and even to this day as much as her face really is hard to remember believe it or not, and i think thats due to the fact i haven't looked at a single picture of her since 2006...hurts too much...even when i went to court last year, i didn't even look at her, and mind you i was blind at the time so i wouldn't have anyway. Don't ask me where this is coming from but i found out today why i didn't get my managers position...and it's because i am too passionate?!...yes i am but too much? There is soooo much on my mind right now i even had to pause for a second. I don't know why i brought up Tina anyway- maybe it's because Dre hasn't replied to me in two days and it kinda hurts. I just know there is going to be a part 2 of sorts coming down the road and i don't want it...i want my kids but want to keep things how they are now. Don't get me wrong i will always love Tina as she is the mother of our children - but the pain is too much...and the sad irony behind it all is i became what she wanted of me but yet i had to lose her to accomplish it. I will never ever find someone like her again - no matter what people tell me, and believe me it's not for the lack of trying. She is the only one who brought out the confidence in me, taught me, relied on me and made me feel important..all i see now is people only out for themselves. Part of her will be a part of me as a part of me with her...but thats all. I am in no position to make any moves/decisions or whatever, and even the first email i sent her was hard to do...because it really wasn't what i expected to be my first words to her...and as you read hers i think it was mutually agreed it wasn't easy...sorry if my thoughts are all over the place - but it's been intense the past 2 1/2 weeks and it all has been having an impact on my life and work...thats why i don't want things to change, because i don't want anymore hurt for myself or her or the kids - everything is calm and everyone happy...anyway i'll probably write more later.