...

When I die, it will be from a broken heart...

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Who is she?

She’s going to come out of nowhere… Don’t ask me how I know..it’s so fucked.  Maybe it’s just me? She’s been in my dreams and I don’t know who she is. 

Really waiting for that shoe...

Now I get free parking for a month and walked in this morning to a free coffee...  I know I should appreciate but Fuck.  Anytime things go this well SOMETHING happens to take my happiness away.  Let's see how today goes.

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K...waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Somethings changed...I didn't DO anything, haven't really changed my mindset or routine...but this whole week has been nothing but "almost perfect".  From getting the car next Wednesday, to work getting better as well as the colleagues around me being a lot more friendly and closer? If this "shit" wasn't going on it would have been a perfect week...not one iota of a problem, drama..like zero negativity.  But with what's going on behind the scenes no matter how great of a day I had, it will never be perfect.  Anyway 6 days and counting.  Imagine if I end up meeting someone before Xmas...wishful thinking.

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The week that was...

So it's been a rollercoaster week..the funeral service was nice..I don't know how a word like "nice" can be used for a funeral but they showed pics of granddad and family and had some of him with the kids when they were babies. I actually teared up seeing those. I think it hurt more because Kiara missed out on 2 years with her great grandfather and missed his funeral...

On a lighter note..I was given granddad's car. It was the break I needed and I'm anxious to drive...opportunities, freedom..new life? All I know is I'm pushing hard..as much as I have my days, but I'm not gonna stop until I'm happy.

Now on a f*cked up note...The girl I started talking to I had to walk away from because the day of the funeral (but after) she would not stop txting me, even after I told her multiple times I needed to have a night to myself because the funeral itself was hard..and what's hard is I can still hear his voice..he was fine at the end of June now he's gone...like wtf, and he was healthy. Anyway I spent nearly two hours trying to explain..and then yesterday she sends me a long txt trying to make me feel guilty...like wtf. So yeah I don't need that in my life. And it wasn't just that, she was lacking certain things I need in a relationship..and she was rather all about her-ish?

Anyway that's pretty much it...I have to go review the ivp presentation for tomorrow..as always I'm gonna kill it.


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Yeah right...

Woke up today in a decent mood...but I'm starting to believe now it's really not my energy that's pushing or attracting people. I genuinely think now I'm not liked. I even smiled at someone today asking how there day was and they looked at me and walked right by without saying a word. I feel like a joke... Maybe it's the environment itself..maybe this place is just toxic. All I know is I need change and soon. I can promise one thing..the day isn't over and the other shoe is waiting to drop. I'm never wrong.....

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End of an era...

Granddad passed away on Monday... I've tried to watch how it affects me...when I found out I was kinda numb. Took the day off on Tuesday to let things sink in...slept most of it and had a hard time going into work. I notice that I pullback and withdraw when I lose someone. Today I just did what I had to do and came home. But I need to know when coincidence stops and reality begins. I'm saying this because life always ends up giving me just enough to push through. Since Friday a lot has been going on...including someone you met. Sad part is it probably won't go anywhere...although it's going very well, we haven't met in person. And I'm sure that's where things will kinda stop. So part of me is undecided how to deal with this. Part of me wants to back away and let things go...maybe in my next convo with her try and find something that's a make or break for her. That way no one gets hurt, especially her. She's pretty chill and I can learn a lot from her. She's very diff from what I'm used to, relight down to morals and culture. September is definitely going to be a fucking roller coaster.. Still though...losing my grandfather is a huge blow. I still have a hard time believing I'll never hear his voice anymore or see him. It also kills me that his great grand daughter missed out on the last years. It's something she'll never be able to get back... Anyway that's sorta what the last 4 days have been like...I can only imagine the next 4....fml

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I wish....

I wish I could feel like this all the time without the drinking... I'm on such a high, and I know tomorrow will be the crash, or at the very least burrowed back in my shell...

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To the end..

No matter, what you DO NOT give in or give up...

This is the first time in years I'm loaded...yes I caved. I'm not upset about it...although it's liquid courage, it's helping. I just need to find my footing...I'm so close. Her lies aren't going to win...she used her last card of lies and now she has nothing. I can do what most would do and bury her...but that would be wrong. I need to focus on the footing...once I get it, everything falls into place. Btw...a lot has changed since the last post...for the worse, but that's a given. I may be fragile in certain ways, but in other ways solid a/f. Stay focused and move forward....

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Who am I?

Even since the last post a lot has change but some remained the same. I have an office job again and from day one I was portrayed as the role model..and only because of who I "used" to be..i'm not that guy anymore‎..I persecuted myself for so long for the mistakes I made that I literally stripped myself of anything remotely who I was. Its scary shit too because looking back and even trying to do I can't..it feels foreign. This past year was like "the" year that I died (metaphorically speaking). From the kids to "her", to my surgery..actually it was after the surgery that I started to notice..and I felt, and watched it go. Fucked up feeling. I don't even post on fb anymore..maybe a handful if that. My fire has been extinguished, and my passions lost. I know someone tried to be there for me in the summer, but my pride got in the way, but they also didn't understand fully..and to be honest I was embarrassed. Maybe because of how bad everything has affected me, referring to the kids situation and just how it all went down for me. People really dont understand how hard it is..just because im the dad or their father doesn't make me any less important or needed in their lives..and they are almost adults and even though Ive seen them on their weekends and have seen them grow..ive missed out on the beginnings..u never get that back. Now they are almost adults..and I fought 10 years just for the minimal time ive had with them..if I didn't, I don't know how this blog would have turned out. Anyway..as for the job, I don't like it...still new and disorganized. Boss is shady as shit..i know guys like him...and I don't have that passion anymore, or that "thing" that got the sale..i just had the knack.   Whatever..like things are supposed to go good for me..lol..yeah right.  And just the fact i'll be 40 in a few months bothers me a lot too..i missed a whole decade because of the bullshit ive had to live...a fucking decade!!! 

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