Life's not a game...

Next week I'm going to do something that I should have done a while ago but was too scared. I was scared because of what I might find out, and the funny part it would truly become irony pure sad irony. Its almost as if you could look back afterwards and predict the ending cause you see the signs.
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It's like peeling the skin...

I threw the curve ball today and now I will see where it lands...but I can say one thing it also opened up wounds and scars...I knew it would. But it's gonna make me a lil stronger...but it was more magnified due to the fact today is valentines day...ironic.
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Cry Now Laugh Later?!

Can that actually be? Was I right about me being groomed? Am I right about April? Its scary cause I don't want to get my hopes to high on anything...but why can't I? I mean its all falling into place...this week I even became Major League Baseballs Rep. ...I'm like the only one in thousands of reps trying to get in...and they want just me. I'm not in the least bit cocky or think I'm all that...in fact quite the opposite. I'm proud that I got one of my goals accomplished in life and now dre and kiara have something really cool they can tell their friends at school - Its a dream and I'm living it. Since the calming balance happened its all unfolding...even me...I am feeling more and more like who I was before I was robbed and raped of my being, mind and soul by her...I still feel the pain but the numbness and the routine of being encircled by friends and family has helped ease and distract me...I did have 3 dreams of her about 3 weeks ago where I woke up in the worst cold sweat I've ever had in my life and my heart racing like I just ran 10 blocks without stopping...I don't remember what the dreams were about but I know she was in them...regardless I know this summer is the summer...where part 2 of life starts...fresh new beginning with career in hand and rising to the top fast.
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Something old but new...

Divorces are contagious, and most of the time its ALWAYS the wife who is never happy...so if that's the case then its not really the guy their with...just the sheer fact that women don't want a committed relationship...I met 3 guys this week at work who are going through the exact same thing I am...nah can't be coincidence can it? I don't think so at alllll. If it were small pockets of people would be one thing but almost one out of four men have gone through what I have.
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I now know...

I can say I now know why I am the way I am...and understand why and how people see me...its not fair cause they truly do not see the person whom once lived...one bad habit I tend to do is stop talking to people...but that is my defense mechanism to protect myself. It shows that I've been abused and wrongly accused...there is one secret I do have that I know and feel that no one will know till the last minute..and that secret should set everything straight and then everyone can move on. Scary thing is I saw this coming a while ago - I just didn't believe it...well maybe not wanting to believe it, but that's life as they say.
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Omfg...

All I can say is my feeling and vibe are accurate...and when people drink then tend to talk more then they should ;-) I guess that's one thing I kept as an instinct. Good job "C" for saying what u said at bourbon
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I get it but don't...

I know that I'm learning lifes lessons...being groomed for something better and being positioned to ultimately win this nightmare I've been living. I feel it inside that its all unfolding how it should...I know I'm impatient to say the least, but feeling what could be is driving me nuts...I just don't get why I'm "pre-feeling" all of it? Is it hope of what I want? That I don't think so...cause I know certain things that will disprove that thought...I just can't write them here.
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It never...

It never ends...my life since day one has become a flurry of hard lessons in life...and life has shown me it is very real and very conscious. I can't let in on what happened...but it could be the biggest x-mas miracle...but I can safely say especially to you Dre and Kiara...it took everything daddy had...and all of this is out of love...I'm not scared anymore, and neither should the two of you ;-) I can't say I am going to get my whole cake - but you know daddy has always taught you that sharing is a good thing. I'm very cautious about today and my emotions because like I said earlier the past 2 years have been hell for me...literally. Every time things look good something happens and screws it up...so I'm keeping this close to the chest...only ones who know are my parents. The energy I am about to exert over the next month or so could either change things drastically...or it could pretty much physically, mentally and emotionally destroy me - I am so tired...and I can imagine so are the kids :-( Anyway back to work...ummm yeah back to work...just to show I'm even putting extra hours to accomplish and hopefully get that X-mas miracle.
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Sometimes...

I cried tonight while being on the phone with a counselor. I know one pain point that I discovered tonight cause when I cried I was angry. I know now all of this was designed to destroy my self esteem, trust, dignity - I lost it all, and now I am holding on for dear life...praying for peace and the time with my kids...I pointed out no one really cared about my kids as they are suffering and it shows...I told them of how and where I see them and some things that I have questioned have never been addressed. They took some of what I said to concern - they told me they may have to intervene which now is making me scared of what's to come. She did say I've carried a lot well for a very long time...more then others could...and I "should feel good" that I'm doing such a good job. If I was they'd be home. I needed to be sure I put this down in case its used against me saying I'm trying something...I didn't call them initially for the kids...it was work related and my self esteem...it just ended up centering around the kids in the end...my face hurts right now from crying...I've done so much damage since this all started to my face that every time I cry now it burns my face...those are the true scars of love....
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I don't...

Ok - I seriously don't understand why...but my gut is telling me to do this one last thing and keeping it close to the chest hence why I am not even giving notion as to what but for myself reading I know. But if I'm right I might have renewed my faith and hope for brining my kids home...well at least weekends...for now. I had to post this cause I couldn't sleep...and I needed this post to remind myself it feels right, even the thought...just the thought. So if you have your doubts...don't. What more do you have to lose? Nothing at all...but I can say one thing, your not a coward.
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