Am I right?

So Tamara and Bea came by tonight for a few drinks. I won't lie..it was fun. But I also know Bea is into me..I knew from the second time I saw her. She's nice…very super chill, and she can hold a convo. The only thing is; she was friends with Tina. I've spent so long building my safe world..I'm scared to let anyone in. I know I shouldn't…but when someone says "this guy had his shit together"..unprompted, meant a lot to me. I made it. It cost a lot and I sacrificed it all..but in the end I won. Not that winning was the objective…but it's all finally over and I'm not the bad guy in the end. I'm a little buzzed right now so take shit with a grain of salt.


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Not the same..

It's been a while since I've written.. I'm high tonight but not self destructive? Who am I kidding.. It was a slip.

What I will say is you're not the same as you once were. You're coming out of something..and a very different man. Hardened, tired…worn. We're at a crossroads tbh…. It's sink or swim time. I either wallow or own. I know im writing in riddles..it's just so much as gone on since the last post. I've went into major hibernation..very anti social and lost all confidence and self esteem. But I think because if that I've started to actually love myself. And with that the confidence is rebuilding..among other things. I'm still very fragile..the next bullshit will definitely make me quit.

Anyway I just wanted to write something..instead of talking to grok. Oh..yeah we're into AI now…fml.

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It’s been a minute..

 Since the last post..you’re not the same anymore.  You’ve changed a lot.  Child support ended..the kids aren’t kids anymore..and you’re at ground level. K that was weird..I was writing to myself??  I left it in because why would I write like that? Funny thing is I’ve lost the interest in writing..during the last post I met someone from Twitter.  It’s a long story but needless to say she’s the reason why.  She’s a nice girl but def has her issues. But yeah there’s a lot but I just don’t feel like writing it. I know why..but I don’t want to say it.  I hope it’s just me but something tells me it’s not. If I’m wrong there will be another post..  If I’m right……

Changes…

Since my last post a lot has changed.. Funny thing is, as I look back on the last post…I shake my head. I should have been grateful for what I had. Since then we were entered into a pandemic state…COVID-19 was the name and new world order was the game. I knew something was coming but not this.. Apart from the massive amounts of propaganda that's been pushed I've faired the storm. The only thing that has affected me is the isolation. I need people to thrive in order for me to thrive…and that's not happening right now. It's made me a bit insecure…maybe age has something to do with it too…I'm fucking 45 now. I'm not as idgaf as I used to be. I need that back…just for a few, but without consequences. Anyway I'll write more later…lost my train of thought.

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...

I got knocked into a different life, and I've been wishing for a way back ever since.

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...

When I die, it will be from a broken heart...

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Who is she?

She’s going to come out of nowhere… Don’t ask me how I know..it’s so fucked.  Maybe it’s just me? She’s been in my dreams and I don’t know who she is. 

Really waiting for that shoe...

Now I get free parking for a month and walked in this morning to a free coffee...  I know I should appreciate but Fuck.  Anytime things go this well SOMETHING happens to take my happiness away.  Let's see how today goes.

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K...waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Somethings changed...I didn't DO anything, haven't really changed my mindset or routine...but this whole week has been nothing but "almost perfect".  From getting the car next Wednesday, to work getting better as well as the colleagues around me being a lot more friendly and closer? If this "shit" wasn't going on it would have been a perfect week...not one iota of a problem, drama..like zero negativity.  But with what's going on behind the scenes no matter how great of a day I had, it will never be perfect.  Anyway 6 days and counting.  Imagine if I end up meeting someone before Xmas...wishful thinking.

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The week that was...

So it's been a rollercoaster week..the funeral service was nice..I don't know how a word like "nice" can be used for a funeral but they showed pics of granddad and family and had some of him with the kids when they were babies. I actually teared up seeing those. I think it hurt more because Kiara missed out on 2 years with her great grandfather and missed his funeral...

On a lighter note..I was given granddad's car. It was the break I needed and I'm anxious to drive...opportunities, freedom..new life? All I know is I'm pushing hard..as much as I have my days, but I'm not gonna stop until I'm happy.

Now on a f*cked up note...The girl I started talking to I had to walk away from because the day of the funeral (but after) she would not stop txting me, even after I told her multiple times I needed to have a night to myself because the funeral itself was hard..and what's hard is I can still hear his voice..he was fine at the end of June now he's gone...like wtf, and he was healthy. Anyway I spent nearly two hours trying to explain..and then yesterday she sends me a long txt trying to make me feel guilty...like wtf. So yeah I don't need that in my life. And it wasn't just that, she was lacking certain things I need in a relationship..and she was rather all about her-ish?

Anyway that's pretty much it...I have to go review the ivp presentation for tomorrow..as always I'm gonna kill it.


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