Lunch time...

Well here i sit at lunch waiting for 1pm to roll around...i am glad i am starting to write again...my fear is slowly going away...it's noce to see the amount of support i get when i see my kids at the center...Like i mentioned to chantal when we are there we stick out like a sore thumb...what i mean is we don't look like we need to be there...because something i do the parents follow suit, or try the same thing i do...lol..i am not saying it in vain either, it was just something i noticed. One time a monther thoughti wokred there...lol..mind you I do help clean up and organize things as if i was working there..i also try and make the setting easy for my kids too. As much as i like the people there i think it's almost time to stop all of this...If i was an evil person like i have been depicted as then i would have fallen flat on my face...been arrested..something...but for over 7 months i have been the same...well the same plus the fear of being forced to believe i was evil...but other then thatbeen doing what i can to move on. One thing i noticed though...since I have been separated...the day that is I no longer smoke...i do have the occasional cigarette, but i know now why i had that addiction...I guess i now why people are saying i will come out on top...maybe because i am doing this all on my own...where as others are hiding behind people by over exageratting lies and stories...that's what happens i guess. Now I am free to show the disbelievers, courts whomever that everything mentioned about me or my personality or anything about me being evil, harmful, controlling...is and was always false, and it was I whom was controlled...reason being...i was too afraid to do anything...in fear that I would get in trouble...god I can't wait to finish this book...maybe then i will have full complete closure. Anyway I have 25 mins left till i go back to work..will either write tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Weekend of reflecting....

Well i did a load of reflecting this weekend. Where i went wrong in life...where everything went wrong in life. I went and saw my kids on Saturday and when i went to do Dregans homework i noticed he is leaving out his other last name...My last name...I even asked Dre why...he said he forgot how to spell it...I almost cried but kept my composure. Now it is becoming more and more clear as each day passes, that i never did anything to harm anyone. It is scary to see how it's easy for someone to hold the power to destroy someone life based off lies...and fear...and knowing now this was alll set up...what does a person do to redeem himself? Well i have the answer to that one, but keeping it to myself. One thing i can mention is i am writting a book. Why? well maybe it's because i am tired of hiding the real truth about how things went on...look I have never ever claimed to be perfect. But living a life of fear...and i mean for 7 months i have been afriad to say anything...to talk to anyone, to do anything in fear of retaliation which does happen frequently...only when i see my kids now. But i was lead to believe for this long that i was this mean evil person who was abusive, like a drunk would be when he got home from work...but i was the opposite...when my book is finished you will see how things developed the way they did and you will finally see the truth for what it is...and maybe then can i redeem myself and finish building a life i started to create and come out on top like a lot of people are telling me. But...i do have certain rules i do have to abide by...like for now untill my charges are aquitted in June i cannot say or mention certain things...it could be in breach of my conditions...but as long as i write about the past and nothing about todays event's (for the time being) then that is what I will be doing...not sure if it will be an online book or something i wll eventually get published. I am not going to sit back and let my name be destroyed...i will get back what I lost.

PLANNED.......Finally closure....

Now I have my closure....I just found out tonight after still ingering in anguish and pain from my loss of my family...and as much as i have tried to move on everyday i get the lashings across my chest of pain....untill tonight....I found out my best friend had heard from her and she had said it was the hardest decision she has ever made and does not want to know anything about my situation nor does she want to let him know...he seems to think it was plannned and planned for a while to...right down to setting him up that morning...I was getting very weak up untill now...losing grip of everything...because of only seeing my kids 3hrs a week, mind you I get them for 4hrs tomorrow :-) ...but it still weakens you...Knowing now what I know...now gives me the right and reason to not budge and stand my ground and push harder....this just proves it was done out of malice and hatred...now I know her true intention...and one intention only is to see me gone and out of her life forever, to the point where we will never ever cross paths or even get a glimps of each others face...and there shows no care for the fact my kids love me...and that will never change...Life has finally become clear, and my heart granted permission to let go...my soul to forget...time for the real healing to start...My eyes are open and i am ready...ready for the hardest challenge of my life...one that I will not fail or lose...because now i see how truly evil people can really be...and how they care nothing but themsleves...and lie to destroy another human being because of their unhappiness within them...Dregan, Kiara I will see you soon Daddy loves you :-) and soon we will be together again...I feel vindicated tonight...liberated...knowing now that this was planned...because now the pieces of the puzzle are almost complete to this painful lesson in life and love...but now i can safley say i never really new my ex...and the funny thing is, recently i have slowly started to forget what she looked like...and there is not one picture of her around...only of my kids...and if one turns up my heart would ache and i would have to put it away in the box of lost memories...don't get me wrong...I am not angry, vengeful, hateful or anything like...no no...not my thing...i am very happy now the spinning is stopping and knowing what the real game is...so i can play, and i am playing to win...wow...lol...i am really taken back in a way by what i am finding out...and knowing my step sister knew about this before hand as well...the players of the game are coming into play now...i just don't get it...why? There was no abuse..yes arguing...up's and downs...that is the last piece to the puzzle...so now thinking back to March 7th...her sitting on the couch looked up and said those famouse words.. "Why would I throw away 9 years worth of investment"...and "I have never been unloyal or unfaithful to you in 9 years, why start now?" ...those are key...because now i am thinking one of three things...one..my first instinct was right...and the whole co-worker thing was a set up to get the argument starting...because i was asked to thak him for ruining a "happy family" or that day when i went on google on the laptop she uses only Lavalife was in the serach field, and everyone knows it can only appear when you type it in...she denied it and anything of it...or three she was convinced it was the right thing to do by god nows who...but i am sure we will know in the end...well sorry for the long blab....i had to vent and noticed i haven't written in a long while...been doing alot, was trying to keep myself occupied so i didn't think...thinking kills ya...so anyway i am off to get ready for bed...and a new begining...i will probably write alot more now...about my nine year past...i figured i have to respect certain conditions so i figured talking about my past is not out of lines. Nite kids xoxoxo

By the way...spelling might suck...didn't do a spell check on this one lol