2006 comes to an end...as 2007 comes in...

Well I should have celebrated last post...it was my 100th..not that it matters. So here i am..New Years Eve...by myself. Feels really odd and strange...and lonley. But it's for the better, I need the solitude to think, grow, learn. 2007 for me will be monumental, so I have to be ready. I have to be ready emotionally, physically & mentally. I am finally in my new place and 80% unpacked...LOL..bedroom is storage for now...I should have moved in June, but I listened to Mark when he said it was a good idea to keep the house...so that gave me the impression things were gonna pan out with you know who and I...and also it was pride...i wanted to show i could manage a house on my own...and had i not gone through the emotional and mental turmoil I was put through I could have done it. I have done a lot of thinking of where i'm going...and this past year has helped me see and taught me a lot about life, love and happiness....it has also taught me and shown me hatred, destruction, and sadness....I hate the feeling...but all of it has turned part of me to stone...part of my heart that will never beat again. But now feeling a big weight off my shoulders from moving has helped...i've been healing faster then I thought. Don't get me wrong....i occasionally get those dreams I used to get in the beginning...and still feel the whip across my chest...but no more fear...I got to where I am in life all by myself...so I can do it...now the question is how far do I want to take myself? I will settle for nothing less then all the way. So 2007 no mistakes...8 mins till...I will continue the fight for my kids...and will have a grip like a bulldog to never give up the fight for them....I miss them sooooo much it's not funny. My place is plasterd with nothing but pics of me and the kids...Ugghhh, I wish I had time to really get into what i've done, thought of....but 6 mins to midnight...I want this posted at 11:59pm...So anyway, I will get back to basics...do what I know and work from there. I know once I get momentum it won't stop...it's just getting the momentum...I've had it before but been to scared to take the ride. I'm not scared anymore...I'm ready to take that ride. So when you look back at this next year...provided your still blogging..let's see where you are. Anyway 3 mins till 2007...and as much as I am happy...i have a few tears rolling down my face...as i do wish things were back to the way they were...I do miss her...I know i'm sick...lol....Happy New Year

Day after the most lonely day...

Yup...x-mas...by myself, for the first time. I tried sleeping through it. I saw my babies on Saturday and won't see them for 2 weeks again because the center is closed down. The kids got me 3 gifts...one of which I will cherrish dearly. The others were nice gifts, but I know their mother picked it out for them. We had a good time but the visit was cut short by 1/2 hr...I cried on my way home because i knew it was the last time i would see them till next year. From the time i got home till today I didn't pick up the phone...didn't do very much. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, but life truly does not even feel right...I mean we didn't even have a white x-mas...no snow!!! A lot went on this december...to much then i care to go through again. Tamara writting me...Carolyn writting me last week..I don't know who I am anymore...I feel like everythign i worked for in life wasn't worth it...and being alone on x-mas helped me think a little...while i was awake...but didn't come to any conclusion...just more hurting and scaring. I don't feel I am worth it...I feel I will be utterly alone for the rest of my life...the lies that are being spread about me continue...Do the good people really finish last? Was this in my cards all along? Do I have another purpose in life that I don't see yet? All I know is I remain a faithful person...I have tried to date...talk, chat with other girls but can't. I feel dirty and wrong for doing so...WHY!?!?!?! I WANT TO KNOW!!!! If things are over... "Final" as the decision was stated...why am i so scared and scarred to do anything? Was this how it was supposed to play out? All I know is this...people can hide behind thier lies for so long, before one person slips and says things they weren't supposed to let out...or under the sheer pressure of the walls closing in can make a person buckle. It has started...and with Tamara's email..and other stuff I was told is going to help me in the end...but for now I must take the continual abuse...and when i say continual i mean it...it's an everyday thing. It's not something you can avoid, especially when you have 2 kids who you have had a routine of hearing them wake up, watching them play...laugh, cry...I don't have that anymore. Where is that gift beyond the problem? because I don't see it.

I'm coming back...slowly...but I am coming back ;-)

Well I think by march I should be back where I left off last year...I am ramping up...slowly but surly. It's taken me a while to get back into the groove of things...but...I guess cause of my move and a lot of life's changes it's helped allot. I may even hit budget this month :-) Take a look why, the whole sales floor got the email and I was freaking happy about it. :-)...sorry it may be hard to read...working on a solution ;-)...but my name is highlighted in blue as well on the right hand column I am the third one down in Red. :-)

Well Monday was the start...

Well my Mom, Bill and my Grandparents came and saw the kids...man it was very emotional...i kept going to the bathroom for a quick cry...I can't stay on but just wanted to upload their School pics that I never got copies of...only my Mom...none for my Grandparents or anyone else in my family...not even thier class picture...Goes to show how evil and cruel some people can be. Anyway here are my babies...man they are growing soooooo fast :-) I will write more soon though to let you know about my place...and other stuff that's gone on.

Wow....all I can say is wow!!!!

I got the place!!!!!!!! My review went amazing and its thundering and lightening right now :) Here take a look...keep in mind it's just before 1pm in the afternoon on December 15th...and I am not wearing a jacket :-P

You can contact me at 5142927907
Vous pouvez me joindre au 5142927907

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This is the new begining....(Con't)

I didn't get the call yet for my place...but the remorse is setting in...seeing everything for what it really is...I am also looking for a new job...I may have one already. I am sending my CV in tomorrow...what my intention is, is to totally blow my month out of the water ....then hand my letter of resignation...I do not and will not let them have the last laugh...they are getting loads of it by moving me to a desk away from everyone...this is what i go through everyday...from being a well like person always full of enrgy and life to a hermit in a corner...like how people look at bums on the street...ask me how i do it?...I have no idea...excpet for dregan and Kiara...because they love me unconditionally...or untill they too get brainwashed which is slowly starting and it is evident...I'm not sure if i mentioned it but Tamara finally admitted to being one of the people who DESTROYED my life and family...here take a read...oh last thing before i throw it in...Things are starting to come together now...all the pieces...everything...and I just can't wait to sit there at the top of the mountain again and look down and show I was right about everything from the get go. So here is her little email to me, and at some points in the email...LOL...meh...just read:

Dave,

Hi, I know you hate me and all but I think that we need to make a truce for your mothers sake. Christmas isn't going to be the same cause all us kids aren't going to be there. I know that I did some wrong but so did you and I think that we need to at least be able to be civil with one another. We are family like it or not and I think that family should always forgive each other for their mistakes. I'm not asking for us to be close as can be but to at least be able to sit in the same room with each other.

I guess that is all i really have to say and I'm sorry for the wrong I have done and I'm hoping that you feel the same way. We have known each other for way too long to let all of this end any friendship that we may have had.I have not contacted you till now because i figured you wouldn't want to hear from me. And I'm sure you still dont but I thought that I would at least give it a try. I am sorry and hope that we can maybe get over this someday.

I dont know if you got the e-mail from me about your neice that was born 11/28/2006 but I hope you got it. I would like you to meet her some day.

Tamara

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This is the new begining....

Well...I have been keeping this secret for a while, and well...it's gonna come out sooner or later. But I'm moving...I can't afford it anymore...I tried with every ounce of blood sweat and tears to make it...to at least keep something "I" worked hard for to "Give" to well...I have looked at a few places, we'll see. I am hoping to be in my new home by this weekend. I have people helping me pack while I work to help make it go faster...since I would do nothing but take every piece that's left and dwell. LOL...I would never get outta here if i did it all on my own...would be too painful. So I asked them to take any pictures they stumble on and put them away in a place where I can't happen to accidentally see them...but the pictures you do see are my kids and nothing but. No matter where i look...weather be it my phone, cubicle...wallpaper on my desktop..there is that famous picture everyone has commented on not just from family...but from strangers saying it is the most loving picture they have ever seen..

....Thank You

lyrics - no apologies

I found this oddly appropriate...

Artist: Blink-182 Lyrics
Song: Stay Together For The Kids Lyrics

It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all.
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost.
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them every day
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and this is what
she wants
Then why is there so much pain?

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost

Hmmmm.....Life does throw curve balls.

Ok now I sit here at a loss for words...LOL...i just spoke with someone out of the blue for 10 mins online and 10 mins on the phone...i am not saying anything ...lol..i am still in shock...Before I say more...i'm thinking to wait lol till after the weekend or to see what happens next before i say anything more...i do not want to jinx this. :-)