Day after the most lonely day...

Yup...x-mas...by myself, for the first time. I tried sleeping through it. I saw my babies on Saturday and won't see them for 2 weeks again because the center is closed down. The kids got me 3 gifts...one of which I will cherrish dearly. The others were nice gifts, but I know their mother picked it out for them. We had a good time but the visit was cut short by 1/2 hr...I cried on my way home because i knew it was the last time i would see them till next year. From the time i got home till today I didn't pick up the phone...didn't do very much. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, but life truly does not even feel right...I mean we didn't even have a white x-mas...no snow!!! A lot went on this december...to much then i care to go through again. Tamara writting me...Carolyn writting me last week..I don't know who I am anymore...I feel like everythign i worked for in life wasn't worth it...and being alone on x-mas helped me think a little...while i was awake...but didn't come to any conclusion...just more hurting and scaring. I don't feel I am worth it...I feel I will be utterly alone for the rest of my life...the lies that are being spread about me continue...Do the good people really finish last? Was this in my cards all along? Do I have another purpose in life that I don't see yet? All I know is I remain a faithful person...I have tried to date...talk, chat with other girls but can't. I feel dirty and wrong for doing so...WHY!?!?!?! I WANT TO KNOW!!!! If things are over... "Final" as the decision was stated...why am i so scared and scarred to do anything? Was this how it was supposed to play out? All I know is this...people can hide behind thier lies for so long, before one person slips and says things they weren't supposed to let out...or under the sheer pressure of the walls closing in can make a person buckle. It has started...and with Tamara's email..and other stuff I was told is going to help me in the end...but for now I must take the continual abuse...and when i say continual i mean it...it's an everyday thing. It's not something you can avoid, especially when you have 2 kids who you have had a routine of hearing them wake up, watching them play...laugh, cry...I don't have that anymore. Where is that gift beyond the problem? because I don't see it.