What's wrong??...

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel? Even today ted said he felt an aura about me...his mood fed off how I was feeling...I didn't do or say anything to warrant anyone asking me if I was ok. To be honest I did feel off not sure why - maybe rough night sleeping. Other than that it was biz as usual. But I'm making a point by saying what ted had mentioned to me today, since its true. When I'm hyper and things are just flowing everyone around me feeds off of it...and like ted said only his mother and I are the only ones in his life where that happens to him. Lol I did find it funny but in a sense I felt honoured... I had to bring you up to speed with that and also what's been going on with the kids - and yes it looks like it's getting closer to an end and resolve. I really don't want to say anything now but once I see a working footprint ill let you know. Last but not least...I can say one thing - I know I have a lot in store for me...everyone says and thinks I deserve it all...but I don't see that happening...who knows....I pray.
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I miss you...

Why me? what did i do? I thought i've paid for my mistakes - i've owend up and moved on...but why do i still miss her? I am not allowed to...I can't in fear of pushing this out longer...i need my kids...its what ive focused and fought for these past three years...so why do i miss a person who did what they did to me? regardless...I miss her so much...and for what it's worth I thank her for one thing...empowering me to be a better person. Today is a very hard day...things are getting closer to ending...and so much change going on...my head and heart can't take much more...but im proud that i never gave up. One thing that hurts me is i almost fell for someone who was like her...but the opposite...and again i get my heart broken...im too nice...god i want to cry so bad right now....

I don't understand!!!!

I just don't understand - everything that has gone on since my last post...damn probably even between mid-august till now things don't make sense...all these people coming back into my life like not a day went by...even my other family. I appreciate it a lot but I don't know where all this is coming from. Look I understand all of what I have gone through is a little old and overdone - I guess I'm afraid to say anything on here...I shouldn't but I have emailed Tina a few times since the last contact with her...no reply but movement...and even wanting me to help...but 2 months ago I was still a monster...I've had dreams...even un-easy feelings of her presence....and I'm not saying that to be mean...but these feelings I have I don't understand why I have them...when I had completely got over her...never looked at one picture of her since I moved from the house...and now its like she's there again...don't get me wrong it would be a blessing for us to be together but facts are facts and she rejected me as a person for her in her life and I've accepted it entirely...I just don't know what to do....all I know is there are days where I hear a sound or a smell something that reminds me of home....
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whom it is addressed. Any disclosure, copying or further distribution is
not permitted unless such privilege is explicitly granted in writing by
PC Mall, Inc. Furthermore, PC Mall, Inc. is not responsible for
the proper and complete transmission of the substance of this
communication, nor for any delay in its receipt.

Why?

Ok - I'm trying to look at things the way others see it but i can't. I really can't believe what happened today was just unreal. I guess i can bite back and bite back hard if i really get pushed...but what i don't get is,why did i have the nerve to finally do it? Why didn't i stand up to Tina like that? Wait maybe this was the lesson? Maybe it's shown me not to worry about standing up for yourself? I always used to until...well...and from then on i didn't stand up for nothing. But today the line was crossed. After being called names and how i'm a grade 9 high school drop out and will be alone forever...and then telling people and starting problems and she wonders why i don't want to be her friend or talk to her. And i get a double whammy because all i think about now is Tina...and not obsessively either...more like she is with me in spirit when times get rough...and even good ones...i don;t know, I try not to pay too much attention to it because she left me right? So there really is no point on dwelling...but i can say one thing about it though...anyway my head really hurts and so does my heart...i had things to say but i've just ran out of steam...will check back later...

Like seriously either crazy which I doubt...

I don't get it...Tina's precense is felt these past few weeks and yes it could be coincedental since I've been talking to dre outside of the center...well YouTube msg's which is better than having to wait every Saturday. But regardless she ha been coming up in conversations and not started by me either...and then I have the Melissa situation where people think we make a very cute couple...but yet trying to help

Don't know what to think...

So for about two weeks now I've been playing with Dre online and chatting through YouTube..as of the 3rd of sept. Kiara as well. Minor comminication with tina is there...it's just there are things that are happening I am not reading into...well I hope I'm not...but I don't know what to think...I mean others have accidentally (just recently) called her my wife...ooopps we meant ex-wife...please dont think in any way I am trying or wanting too get back together with her...she rejected me...so I have to respect that right? But... don't think if there was a chance I wouldn't consider it...it would have to be her to set the tone and make the first step...all it would take is "what time will you be home for dinner?" but I know it will never happen. Maybe the things I'm seeing are just the dust of my past? Little echos of what used to be...but it doesn't matter because I finally I get to talk to my Dre and Kiara during the week..made me the happiest father in the world :-)

Everything is connected...

you know - as much as all my writings have been of purest thought and feeling. The one feeling I've tried to suppress out of fear of retaliation is anger. For the most part i'm not but there is that part that is angry for everything Tina did to me...to us and our children...but that is the past and that was purely her decision, and i have no choice but to respect it and move on. I have in many respects and will continue to do so, but the one problem she never saw coming and nor did i was the spiritual attachment...we both started off early in life and developed a bond and watched each other grow for the good and bad...and even to this day as much as her face really is hard to remember believe it or not, and i think thats due to the fact i haven't looked at a single picture of her since 2006...hurts too much...even when i went to court last year, i didn't even look at her, and mind you i was blind at the time so i wouldn't have anyway. Don't ask me where this is coming from but i found out today why i didn't get my managers position...and it's because i am too passionate?!...yes i am but too much? There is soooo much on my mind right now i even had to pause for a second. I don't know why i brought up Tina anyway- maybe it's because Dre hasn't replied to me in two days and it kinda hurts. I just know there is going to be a part 2 of sorts coming down the road and i don't want it...i want my kids but want to keep things how they are now. Don't get me wrong i will always love Tina as she is the mother of our children - but the pain is too much...and the sad irony behind it all is i became what she wanted of me but yet i had to lose her to accomplish it. I will never ever find someone like her again - no matter what people tell me, and believe me it's not for the lack of trying. She is the only one who brought out the confidence in me, taught me, relied on me and made me feel important..all i see now is people only out for themselves. Part of her will be a part of me as a part of me with her...but thats all. I am in no position to make any moves/decisions or whatever, and even the first email i sent her was hard to do...because it really wasn't what i expected to be my first words to her...and as you read hers i think it was mutually agreed it wasn't easy...sorry if my thoughts are all over the place - but it's been intense the past 2 1/2 weeks and it all has been having an impact on my life and work...thats why i don't want things to change, because i don't want anymore hurt for myself or her or the kids - everything is calm and everyone happy...anyway i'll probably write more later.

Re: Please Read

Thank you for replying - the only thing that confuses me by what you wrote is different from what you said last year: last year you had drafted up a very acceptable agreement/timetable, whatever did happen to that? I agree with the majority of your email, but I can say one thing going through the courts will not just hurt the kids more but everyone emotionally and financially. All I know is I think you and I have been taken for a ride and it's time it stopped. I have only replied to this email as a response to your last. If you do not reply to this one I will not be sending another until a reply is received back from you. All I know is I meant what I said in my previous statement, if you really do feel the same we have to move forward sooner than later with the least negative impact. It really wasn't easy emailing you the first time Tina even now...but after this past Saturday and not being pulled aside asking why I'm writting you gave me the sign that I could trust you, and so I will. I'm just hoping we can keep the momentum going and hopefully hear back from you.

Dave

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

From: T C
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:05:30 +0000
To: <davemat@rogers.blackberry.net>
Subject: RE: Please Read

 
 
I have contacted my lawyer and a date will be set for sometime in September. A decision can then be made regarding a transition from supervised visitation to alternating weekends.  Allowing 24-48 hour visits in your home every other weekend. I do not believe we can or should make any changes prior to that date without the courts consent. We have been bound to the Saturday commitment at Consensus for over 3 years now and although the children have accepted it as part of their weekly routine, they are also limited to only having Sundays as the only morning they can sleep in and their only day to relax. Recognizing their individual needs and respecting their feelings during this process will be very important. Both are very sensitive to any stressful situation and respond with inappropriate behavior (Tantrums and urine retention). I wouldn't recommend this change be at the beginning of the school year. Communicating issues concerning the children and managing them will be difficult to do without having completed any mediation. I will try to explore what resources are available (other than Consensus) and if there are any services, at a low cost, to help us recommence communication and/or assist with transfer. Involving other family members would not be the best solution. I would prefer professional support to insure safety and minimize any conflict while helping the children adjust. They need love & stability most of all. We will somehow have to try to resolve things and make this a positive change. One that can help us all move our lives forward.
 
Best regards,
Tina
 
 
> To: frisky_freya5@hotmail.com
> Subject: Please Read
> From: davemat@rogers.blackberry.net
> Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:53:18 +0000
>
> Tina,
> You may get this, you may not but as you have mentioned to Joanne you want this to stop sooner than later which I will agree with you on.  I'm not writing to ask anything about you or your personal life nor will I divulge anything from mine in the body of this email. We have to find a way to fix this outside of the courts, you know this and so do I, but if you have chosen that route then I will follow your lead.  If not one temporary suggestion is to do the Saturday thing for a month trial having you drop the kids off at my grand parents since you are very comfortable with them.  You can decide weather or not you show up first and then they call me to go get them (which seems like a good idea) or I show up first and then you drop them off, and from there I can have them for the day to go and do whatever we would have planned.  Neither of us can afford the court route - you know this and so do I and it's not doing Dre or Kiara any good.  That's what i think - I don't expect you to write back nor do you have to, if you want go through my family, like my mom or grandparents and from there we build.  I am asking for you to not use this for personal gain - not implying that you are or would, but I am putting a lot of trust in you by writing to you, but my children mean more to me than I think you realise and I am not doing this to jeopardise seeing them, I am writing you because we both agree it's time to move forward.
>
> Thank you for listening, 
> Dave
> Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

Attention all humans. We are your photos. Free us.

Fw: Please Read

She replied..

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

From:
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:05:30 +0000
To: RE: Please Read

 
 
I have contacted my lawyer and a date will be set for sometime in September. A decision can then be made regarding a transition from supervised visitation to alternating weekends.  Allowing 24-48 hour visits in your home every other weekend. I do not believe we can or should make any changes prior to that date without the courts consent. We have been bound to the Saturday commitment at Consensus for over 3 years now and although the children have accepted it as part of their weekly routine, they are also limited to only having Sundays as the only morning they can sleep in and their only day to relax. Recognizing their individual needs and respecting their feelings during this process will be very important. Both are very sensitive to any stressful situation and respond with inappropriate behavior (Tantrums and urine retention). I wouldn't recommend this change be at the beginning of the school year. Communicating issues concerning the children and managing them will be difficult to do without having completed any mediation. I will try to explore what resources are available (other than ........) and if there are any services, at a low cost, to help us recommence communication and/or assist with transfer. Involving other family members would not be the best solution. I would prefer professional support to insure safety and minimize any conflict while helping the children adjust. They need love & stability most of all. We will somehow have to try to resolve things and make this a positive change. One that can help us all move our lives forward.
 
Best regards,
Tina
 
 
> To: frisky_freya5@hotmail.com
> Subject: Please Read
> From: davemat@rogers.blackberry.net
> Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:53:18 +0000
>
> Tina,
> You may get this, you may not but as you have mentioned to Joanne you want this to stop sooner than later which I will agree with you on.  I'm not writing to ask anything about you or your personal life nor will I divulge anything from mine in the body of this email. We have to find a way to fix this outside of the courts, you know this and so do I, but if you have chosen that route then I will follow your lead.  If not one temporary suggestion is to do the Saturday thing for a month trial having you drop the kids off at my grand parents since you are very comfortable with them.  You can decide weather or not you show up first and then they call me to go get them (which seems like a good idea) or I show up first and then you drop them off, and from there I can have them for the day to go and do whatever we would have planned.  Neither of us can afford the court route - you know this and so do I and it's not doing Dre or Kiara any good.  That's what i think - I don't expect you to write back nor do you have to, if you want go through my family, like my mom or grandparents and from there we build.  I am asking for you to not use this for personal gain - not implying that you are or would, but I am putting a lot of trust in you by writing to you, but my children mean more to me than I think you realise and I am not doing this to jeopardise seeing them, I am writing you because we both agree it's time to move forward.
>
> Thank you for listening, 
> Dave
> Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

---

Attention all humans. We are your photos. Free us.

Fw: Please Read

...

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network



-----Original Message-----

From:



Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:53:18

To:

Subject: Please Read





Tina,

You may get this, you may not but as you have mentioned to Joanne you want this to stop sooner than later which I will agree with you on.  I'm not writing to ask anything about you or your personal life nor will I divulge anything from mine in the body of this email. We have to find a way to fix this outside of the courts, you know this and so do I, but if you have chosen that route then I will follow your lead.  If not one temporary suggestion is to do the Saturday thing for a month trial having you drop the kids off at my grand parents since you are very comfortable with them.  You can decide weather or not you show up first and then they call me to go get them (which seems like a good idea) or I show up first and then you drop them off, and from there I can have them for the day to go and do whatever we would have planned.  Neither of us can afford the court route - you know this and so do I and it's not doing Dre or Kiara any good.  That's what i think - I don't expect you to write back nor do you have to, if you want go through my family, like my mom or grandparents and from there we build.  I am asking for you to not use this for personal gain - not implying that you are or would, but I am putting a lot of trust in you by writing to you, but my children mean more to me than I think you realise and I am not doing this to jeopardise seeing them, I am writing you because we both agree it's time to move forward.



Thank you for listening, 

Dave

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Stop?!

...Are we supposed to understand everything life shoots our way? Do we question it? Tina is at width ends with all of this and so am I....work on top of that has been rough...especially hunting for my managers position...second time around. Am I on the right road to happiness and success? Or is it the road of illusions? I know the one the I lack to complete me is a significant other...my soul mate...partner...someone who I can vent too and have them tell me things will be ok...if I had that nothing would stand in my way...so why can't I do this on my own? So many questions...and not enough answers...anyway back to work....
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Summer of decisions & change

This has to be the summer that will give me an insight to how my life will turn out. There has been a lot of positive gain and change, but with it came a lot of decisions that could either set me back or propel me forward. My only problem with making any move at all is obviously failing...but if it did happen and I failed I would be able to recover like I have...or can I? Or is it that this fight took too much out of me for another fight? Until I can get rid of the cons I won't be making any moves. The one decision I have to make and I know its a life test and that is to walk away from a girl from work. The chemistry is there, but her situation is difficult and it would be right - on top of that if it didn't work I can't let it affect my career...I am back where I need to be and don't want to lose it all again...needless to say though life has improved drastically for me...I smile everyday now and put smiles on everyones face...he has been asleep for way too long and the world is glad to see him again.
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....

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me. So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done. And things that have not occurred yet And the things they don't want to take responsibility for I'm sorry for the times I left you home I was on the road and you were alone I'm sorry for the times that I had to go I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know That you were sitting home just wishing we Could go back to when it was just you and me I'm sorry for the times I would neglect I'm sorry for the times I disrespect I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done I'm sorry I'm not always there for my son I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware. That you can't sleep at night when I am not there. Because I am in the streets like everyday. Sorry for the things that I did not say. Like how you are the best thing in my world. And how I was so proud to call you my girl I understand that there are some problems And I am not too blind to know. All the pain you kept inside you. Even though you might not show If I can apologize for being wrong Then it's just a shame on me I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me. You can put the blame on me. Said you can put the blame on me You can put the blame on me Sorry for the things that he put you through And all the times you didn't know what to do Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad And you would rather be home with all your kids As one big family with love and bliss And even though Pops treated us like kings He got a second wife and you didn't agree He got up and left you there all alone I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief I'm sorry that your son was once a thief I'm sorry that I grew up way too fast I wish I would've listened and not be so bad I'm sorry your life turned out this way I'm sorry that the FEDS came and took me away I'm sorry that it took so long to see They were dead wrong trying to put it on me I'm sorry that it took so long to speak...
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Ultra Sound

I'm @ the Royal Vic waiting for my ultra sound...I'm a little nervous...in fact I'm shit scared. This is one of thlast things "I hope" to uncover why my health is deteriorating....if I can be fixed I won't be the same at all...if I can't same thing. I guess either way change is going on in my life weather I want it or not.
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And the possibilities are...

Lupus, Auto-Immune Disease, ...or Cancer...Stay tuned for more details as they arise...
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The next 7 days....

For the next 7 days will be the worst I will have ever had to experience in my life...I'm sick...tomorrow I go for chest x-rays...ecg...there may be a possibility of heart disease...or cancer. My glands have not gone down in size and I really don't feel right...no energy at all....I try hard to push ...I'm scared... After the tests...they get faxed asap to the Royal Victoria Hospital and an appointment made with a resident Doctor who will pretty much go over me with a fine tooth comb...then from there presented to a panel of Doctors to review and double check....Never been more scared in my life.
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My Auto-Immune System...

I've been told by my Dr. after more tests that my auto immune system is not working. That means when I'm sick or get an infection my immune system won't work. From what I understood my immune system is attacking itself. I'm on antibiotics and heavy pain killers and none work... The scariest thing is my energy...I have none...despite any good news or excitement. I'm on the bus now to go for more tests...and to get a referral for a blood specialist...its funny how I knew my health was next to happen...oh...talk about irony...the bus just turned down our old street..St.louis...our old house...and I'm not gonna entertain looking...hurts to much. Anyway this is just a short note before I get there.
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I can't...

This is just unreal...look we all know for almost 3 years...ugghh...right now even my thoughts worry me because as much as my world of people know who I am and as much as my thoughts are of the purest intention...they could potentially be used...against me. The funny thing is one thing I've learned and not the major thing...but I realised that bonds as much as they can be broken there is a everlasting impression in the world that keeps a connection...I know you've read my life so far, and the pain and false joys I've had...and the funny thing...well wtf then anything else but I still care...and just want a sign...no words no letters...just a small sign...if I get this sign it would really do something for this beaten down man...I care because life is too short and I would know...but one thing I did without missing a beat was that I was there for two little ones who are the far best that have ever been seen by many who see them...and for that one day a week they got nothing but unconditional love and it shows...sigh...I'm having one of those brain things where I just want to blurt out everything...I guess if you are reading this...I'm asking...please..."What dreams may come"
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....

I still care...but I respect it...it kills me...my soul...my heart...but I can't lie to myself or anyone else anymore...I'm sorry...so if you're reading this (you know who you are)...it's time...for "what dreams may come" down the road...
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Beautiful...

im just so fucking depressed
i just cant seem to get out this slump
if i could just get over this hump
but i need something to pull me out this dump
i took my bruises took my lumps
fell down and i got right back up
but i need that spark to get psyched back up
and in order for me to pick the mic back up
i dont know how or why or when
i ended up this position im in
im started to feel dissin again
so i decided just to pick this pen
up and try to make an attempt to vent
but i just cant admit
or come to grips the fact that i may be done with rap
i need a new outlet
and i know some shits so hard to swallow
but i cant just sit back and wallow
in my own sorrow but i know one fact
ill be one tough act to follow
one tough act to follow
ill be one tough act to follow
here today gone tomorrow but you'd have to walk a thousand miles
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what id be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside eachothers minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through eachothers eyes
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you

i think im starting to lose my sense of humor
everythings so tense and gloom
i almost fee like i gotta check the temperature of the room just as soon as i walk in
its like all eyes on me i try to avoid any contact
cuz if i do that then it opens the door for conversation like i want that
im not looking for extra attention i just want to be just like you
blend in with the rest of the room maybe just point me to the closest restroom
i dont need no fucking man servant tryin ta follow me around and try to wipe my ass
laugh at every single joke i crack and half of them aint even funny like hahhhhh
"marshall your so funny man you should be a comedian god damn"
unfortunately i am i just hide behind the tears of a clown
so why dont you all sit downn
listen to the tale that im about to tell
hell we dont gotta trade our shoes
and you dont gotta walk no thousand miles
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what id be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside eachothers minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through eachothers eyes
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to youuuuu

nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip em dont expect no help
now i could have either just stayed at home sit on my ass and pissed and moaned
or take this situation with which im placed in and get up and kick my own
i was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
and sat on the porch and hope and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
i just wanted to fit in in every single place every school i went
i dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
and edna always told me keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
meanwhile im just standing there holding my tongue trynwa twalk like dwis
then i stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
i learned my lesson then cuz i wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
but i already told you my whole life story
not just based on my description
cuz where you see it from where your sittin its probably 110% different
i guess we would have to walk a mile in eachothers shoes at least
what size you wear? i wear tens
lets see if you can fit your feet
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what itd be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside eachothers minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through eachothers eyes
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
so
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
so
to my babies
stay strong
daddy will be home soon
and to the rest of the world
god gave you shoes to fit you
so put em on and wear them
be yourself man
be proud of who you are
and even if it sounds corny
dont ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

Happy

Happy B-Day Dave
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Judgment day for me...

I'm sitting in the clinic after getting a call saying they need to see me right away...will my dream be right?
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My potential first words to her...

Like I told my mom tonight, its like everything is going forward but backwards at the same time...just like an explosion...and for 3 years I could only think of what I wanted to say as my first words...as I never had the chance to truly say what needed to be said as my closure...but...it won't turn out that way...funny thing is its the complete opposite. As much as I'm surprised, when you read it below you will see how much love and how much hurt and pain I swallowed when I could have done it the opposite...on second thought...I will post the letter Saturday with a follow up to see if things will ever be ok...
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Love is Health is Love...

Its official (by me) - my health has become very poor and shows. I've struggled for three years to manage to survive and not taking the easy way out by not working. I in all sense of the phrase "sacrificed my body and soul"...and I did it out of love...the love for my kids...I didn't do it intentionally but with the money I needed just to be able to see them for 6hrs and what I pay in support left me with just enough to live with bare minimum...and after three years it has finally taken its toll. I'm not saying I'm dying - but her change in stance with everything is a blessing because I know I won't last another year like this. Its not just not having, its also the emotional stress I have to go through every week...its hard not to have had the chance to be a full time parent...missing out on their first plays..first swim,bike ride (without training wheels)...all the first time things...all I know is if this doesn't end soon the ones who really lost since March 8th 2006 @ 9:37am were my children...because I'm actually nervous about it for real now.
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It begins...

My restraining order if finally officially over...now it begins. She is wanting this to be over from what I was told, and that it has gone on long enough. What I would love to see happen for the kids is we do this outside of court...they have been put through too much pain to be put through more. If it does come to us going to court I'm fully prepared and have been ready since day one...but I really don't want it to come to that at all...it just adds more un needed pain. I've unblocked her from msn...hoping of some non personal contact...to be honest when I think of her I physically tremble...it will take her a lifetime to regain my trust...and I really don't want to know what's going on with her at all...it still hurt...I just want communication on our kids...and which way we'll resolve this, but I'm not going to hold my breath...time will tell
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Words can't describe...except one...

?
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Changes...

I can feel it in my bones - changes are about to happen...and oddly enough not bad ones...as much as it felt like doom and gloom I have jumped over leaps and bounds to get where I am. ..and even the past two weeks I've felt this vibe where something is about to happen....all I know is I feel a sigh of relief and no sadness...more like a get prepared feeling...excited...so I am thrown off a little bit by that. None the less we shall wait and see.
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Things are falling into place...

I haven't wrote about this yet but I applied for managers position...managing new hires...I can't believe I am almost back to where I was supposed to be....before all this happened. I had the interview today and it went well. He could feel my passion and drive...he did say there was one other person in the fight for the position...but I heard I got the nod from Sean our V.P. It's all so unreal right now...but its true and it shows that I wasn't nor am I a bad person...because if I was anything that she said about me I would be a crack addict poor on welfare beating women...I have anxiously and religiously pray for my time with my kids that I see every Saturday...provided they are brought to the center...my financial life is stable where I can breath...and the friends and popularity I have at work is nuts...and not over popularity...but a lot of people have expressed their approval of me being manager...I'm eager...anxious...to start a new chapter in my life...to lead...to finally allow myself to show my true potential...and when I do read back on this take note to self: You did this on your own...no one else helped you...from rock bottom...literally to here was all you...be proud cause you are one tough smart *#+@$ just don't look back...and keep watching and feeling and it will never steer you wrong.
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3 Years...

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Again...

Again Kiara gets a kidney infection where she was hospitalised and then put on antibiotics...she also had a cold sore on her upper lip...then she starts telling us that the cats are peeing on their clothes and things...and it kills me inside because I can't do anything to stop or help. The whole week only knowing she was in the hospital and not knowing why was incredibly torturing....it really scared me. We had a great time today though...and omg the ran in to see me....literally sprinted :-). I love them sooooo much.
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Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my special Boy Dregan. Sorry I can only wish it to you here on your Birthday, but always know I thought about you all day. :-)

Daddy loves you
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2 days...

In 2 days it will mark the start of 3 years...and like last year it begins again...
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Like I said..

Just as I finished my last post Dregan signed on MSN - only my mom can see him. He even has his pic that reminds him of me...problem is I'm not allowed to say hi...he is that close. I just found out he wants a computer game...*sigh*
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I know now for sure

I can now say without a doubt I have a deep emotional and physical attachment to my kids. Since Thursday night I wasn't feeling right - more or less sad/withdrawn. Not knowing why but this is one weekend where they didn't show up and I know I was thinking of them. I came to my moms today and found out from her that Kiara was in the hospital sick. This is not the first time I've felt like this and then finding out something happened to them. It made me feel sick inside as it still does...not knowing how she is doing.
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Life's not a game...

Next week I'm going to do something that I should have done a while ago but was too scared. I was scared because of what I might find out, and the funny part it would truly become irony pure sad irony. Its almost as if you could look back afterwards and predict the ending cause you see the signs.
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It's like peeling the skin...

I threw the curve ball today and now I will see where it lands...but I can say one thing it also opened up wounds and scars...I knew it would. But it's gonna make me a lil stronger...but it was more magnified due to the fact today is valentines day...ironic.
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Cry Now Laugh Later?!

Can that actually be? Was I right about me being groomed? Am I right about April? Its scary cause I don't want to get my hopes to high on anything...but why can't I? I mean its all falling into place...this week I even became Major League Baseballs Rep. ...I'm like the only one in thousands of reps trying to get in...and they want just me. I'm not in the least bit cocky or think I'm all that...in fact quite the opposite. I'm proud that I got one of my goals accomplished in life and now dre and kiara have something really cool they can tell their friends at school - Its a dream and I'm living it. Since the calming balance happened its all unfolding...even me...I am feeling more and more like who I was before I was robbed and raped of my being, mind and soul by her...I still feel the pain but the numbness and the routine of being encircled by friends and family has helped ease and distract me...I did have 3 dreams of her about 3 weeks ago where I woke up in the worst cold sweat I've ever had in my life and my heart racing like I just ran 10 blocks without stopping...I don't remember what the dreams were about but I know she was in them...regardless I know this summer is the summer...where part 2 of life starts...fresh new beginning with career in hand and rising to the top fast.
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Something old but new...

Divorces are contagious, and most of the time its ALWAYS the wife who is never happy...so if that's the case then its not really the guy their with...just the sheer fact that women don't want a committed relationship...I met 3 guys this week at work who are going through the exact same thing I am...nah can't be coincidence can it? I don't think so at alllll. If it were small pockets of people would be one thing but almost one out of four men have gone through what I have.
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I now know...

I can say I now know why I am the way I am...and understand why and how people see me...its not fair cause they truly do not see the person whom once lived...one bad habit I tend to do is stop talking to people...but that is my defense mechanism to protect myself. It shows that I've been abused and wrongly accused...there is one secret I do have that I know and feel that no one will know till the last minute..and that secret should set everything straight and then everyone can move on. Scary thing is I saw this coming a while ago - I just didn't believe it...well maybe not wanting to believe it, but that's life as they say.
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Omfg...

All I can say is my feeling and vibe are accurate...and when people drink then tend to talk more then they should ;-) I guess that's one thing I kept as an instinct. Good job "C" for saying what u said at bourbon
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