Always and forever

Everytime I become self-destructive it leads back to you Tina.  I've sent you emails that sometimes to me is a knee/jerk reaction and other times time to show you that I am not the person you left.  I've given you space, i've given you time and i've also help you out when you had no money to pay your first months rent even though i pay  you child support and get all the big gifts for the kids.  I know i've said that i still care for you, but i don't think you understand what i mean by that.  You don't seem to realize I don't remember you..i remember some parts of us, but you have scarred me so bad that subconsciously my body and mind are reacting in a way that is blocking all pain out to the point you are just a name and a feeling.  I bend over backwards and give all and do all and i get nothing in return - no respect, not even trying to have the kids talk to me more or do more with me.  It has taken a toll on them and shows and has ultimately taken a toll on myself.  The road and path i mentioned to you in my last email to you was and is the truth.  The only issue with all of it is; as much as i was honest i had to tip toe around a lot of details that lead me up to that point in fear of scaring you off.  I am trying in so many way of what i do remember of you...and at this point i don't think im trying to get back with you, only to get myself back which you still have.  If you do not recall one of the last things you said to me before you left which i do believe is a curse and that was no woman would ever want to be with me again...well i can safely say as much as I am liked, i give off something i can't explain nor can anyone else except loosely saying i still have the vibe of being attached.  People still refer you as my wife no matter how many times i correct them.  I am more than sure your road hasn't been easy either - but why im doing what im doing I have no clue...I also let you take the kids as i know you had to do something important, but you seem to forget you have them all the time and holidays for me with the kids means more to me than you know.  We live two very separate worlds and conditions - I would not wish this upon you or anyone I know.  I still tear when the kids leave and it still feels like day one..I am so frustrated, upset...sad...dissappointed...words can't describe.  And it's at the fact one minute your nice and seems like the person i remembered, and then other times you are this person who've I 've never met before...im not kidding either.  I really don't know what circumstances you had to go through, but one thing i know for 100% fact and would bet everything i've built that the only one who would never hurt you is me...and im sure your jaw is to the floor...but a error only becomes a mistake if you choose not to fix it...im trying, because i get it.  and what i see and hear around me and watch you will go through it again and probably worse and this time you might not be on the same end of the stick.  Why am i so sure that things would be different?  very easy and simple: I've come to realize life is very short and we take alot for granted and don't appreciate the small things. and that's not all either...I understand the dynamics and what is needed to have a strong healthy relationship...we had 50% of what we needed...the problem is the other 50% was the crucial part...had we have had that we would not be in this position...but then again I don't think I would have become who i am today and we would be worse off, because i wouldn't know half of what i know now of what's really going on.  Tina when we were together and things were good we had the world by the balls - we had a good thing going...but i am telling you now, circumstances affected both of us and the way we think...me more than you as i was very suseptible to a lot of things and i was influenced very easy.  The internet killed me and killed us.  Just like video games now for our kids, or some shows that are on...same thing which is why kids are becoming so distant from their parents.  When i became honest with myself tina a lot made sense because a lot changed.  So much other around me started to change faster but follwing a trend and then everything became clear.  I'm n facebook still and only cause of the kids pics...if not i would be off that so fast it's not funny...worst privacy exposure ever...not only that I've watch people being dumbed down and bombarded by useless info that distracts them from the real things going on.  Tina if i wasn't serious, or believed it 100% or if this wasn't real i would be bugging or even trying to get you to atleast get on a level of talking more...i know i've tried before but that was for our issue, and you declined without words and i respected that...but with what's going on now i want and need to make peace with you, even if we never co-exisit in physical presence..i will take talking...if that's all i can get i will take it.  The only reason why is you are the only person i have a divide with...i really have no enemies anymore...im not saying none, but even the ones who were have seen something in me they don't see in anyone else and that's sincerity and trust worthy...which is impossible to find because it's all about "me" these days...which is not how i am.  I give the shirt off my back and always make sure everyone is happy above and beyond...want to know why?  because that's something else i've learned about life - if you start to lower you expectations and appreciate then if i can make others happy i am happy...works both ways and it doesn't take me much now to be happy...as opposed to trying to find it.  Albeit it's very lonely since i keep to myself after working hours - i do not want to get in to a drinking habit, nor go down that road or be tempted...because this time if i do I won' t be back and i know this..that's why i stay hidden after work.  I watch others fall all the time, damage their bodies...and yes that's what im doing now but only because this has been a very hard week...especially after the letter i sent you with no reply from you and then the day after i get your txt about this weekend...and the loneliness has caught up in a major way...Tina please find it in your heart to forgive...you may not forget, but for all of us please forgive...and i assure you and i know for a fact and am very confident that this is real, i am real and can assure  no more bs...at all...ever.  I just want to be their for you...listen to your stories from work, be their for the kids and not take care of you....but like i said though in the begining, i have forgotten a lot about you...yet i have this passion for you.  It's not obsession, or stalking...look up the words, this isn't it...it's something more...and i know this because as much as ive haven't had luck with women because of this aura thing and because of the fact i won't let myself...and it's not for alack of trying because their have been a few I won't lie..even though they saw the aura thing, they knew i was single...but i felt wrong and it felt wrong.  I don't know of any other man out there who has worked, fought, stood by his family even though he knows they aren't coming home.  That's not being stubborn, that's being responsible and doing what's right...most people give up move on and go through the same shit...I don't quit, and since i met you, you made me into that person...to not quit.  so blame yourself for that one...but it's a trait i am grateful for.  If i didn't posses this talent i would surley have done the inevitable a few years ago without a thought...because when i hit rock bottom tina I had nothing...literrally nothing.  it has only been 1 year where things are normal (for what things are) and since Jan 1...yes Jan 1 everything has been more than stable...to the point i've become an internet icon (no one knows who i am really) but the fact i have taken it upon myself to spread truth and be there for every single person who doesn't have someone their for them...do you know how empowering that is?  Know yo could be the only one in the world who says what he means and means what he says?  and to be committed to help no matter what...even if it means losing it all....all of this stems from us splitting Tina.  If i wasn't so sporadic in my blog entries you would see the time line happen...actually you do but their is a gap which actully not much happened and if it did i would be able to fill in the blanks.  It's sad though maybe...to always run to you when i crack or break....but i thought of that and might know the answer.  You gave me strength...us as a couple gave me strength...i just wish i saw what i know now because all i want for you is to have all you've ever wanted and to be happy!!  I did think of something else...if you reall feel uncomfortable with talking, my emails, me wanting to help or inform you of things, that's ok...really it is and i will respect it.  Trust me...only way i can prove.  But with that being said - we will have to fix the visitations with the kids...only reason being is it might be better I move and give us space.  It's not what I want, but if you don't want anymore at all..like i said i have to respect it, but oy have to respect i have to move on....and staying here with nothing isn't healthy for me or the kids or you...and might help the healing process and help forget faster....as you can see Tina I am being honest...if i only knew what your thoughts were...if you really are over all of it and if my emails are a joke? or if they are taken to heart? or even read most of the time?  What I told oy about Tamara was only to have you watch yourself...not to throw a monkey wrench on your friendship...but i don't think it was right for her to tell me embarrassing stories about you...especially when you took a hissy fit at one of her parties and stormed out...or passed out drinking...sorry but what she did about that cat was not fair...just becareful, cause like she said and it shows...she doesnt give a fuck really about anyone but herself..so if someone leaves she is ok with that...i know this cause she's told me.  I still think she had something to do with it all...pushed you or nudged you in that direction.  I know you were quiet about all of it before you left; but certain things didn't add up and Tamara had let some things lip that im sure she was unaware of...but believe it or not Tina the part i rememeber the most is the afternoon it all happened...5pm...i sent you a msg asking not to get angry, upset, or pissed...and your repsonse: what games are you playing now?...i backed off then went to marios to check to see if what i was told was true before accusing.  I was insecure Tina, and yes it was wrong but im 36 and still look 26/27...like i havent aged since the day you left...time stopped.  But i wasn't jelous...I was but not in a possessive way...I found out when i got sick that when i was a baby i was very ill (after i was born) and when i reviewed my file it stated "Failure to thrive" "Absorbption Deficiencies"...which would make sense and shed some light on why i can't gain...or gain more than i can.  it's like me being severly overweight, but on the other end of the spectrum...which is why i am there for everyone...cause now i know what people feel when they don't speak...even the strongest person is weak and insecure...we all are.  Unless you cna acknowledge it, you will never be able to drop it from your habits...your my key...without you letting me go or helping, im in limbo...emotionally going nowhere and dying slowly within...Something has to give, and soon...im at a point where like i said i've figured things out and know how to be a good husband, human...im a great father and am 100% dedicated to my kids...i just want a family i can grow with and do it right before time runs out...with you would be my wish...because that means we are not a statistic and one of the only few on this planet who did the right thing...when you put it into perspective Tina, it's something that's can be hard to grasp, but it's true...people are so alone and lack trust or a friend.  The sad part of all of this is you are never going to see this...i don't think you've read my blog in years, but now im writting to you...and not like the other emails where it's structured and less emotion...and also not having the kids this weekend has taken a toll...@ 7:15 when no kids showed up (which i was full aware) started to hurt and the emptiness crept in...it's hard tina.  Maybe thats why?  Maybe the reason you can't is your not as strong as you show?  Do you think you'll cave or give in?I could understand that...it's almost like when we went to that mediation session..i couldn't look at you because i was afraid believe it or not...and just before i walked in the room i sent a post to my blog which you could probably find...and i was also afraid of looking into your eyes and seeing them as not the same as i looked into them...in my head they were darker, more bold.  I can safley say for a mediator who did high profile cases she didn't know what to do...i could read her well, and she was uncomfortable in the sense of that very fact.  Our situation is very unique, and  you were also lied to and not by me, but by the sytstem so all those lawyers and judges make all that money and not care...you do realize that's what the system in quebec is about? When you went to your lawyer i am almost 1005 positive she told y from day one it would be easy and she knew what to do for you to win...and well she did what she did.  I've forgiven all of what you've done (your part as it takes two to tango), but i know my actions cause a lot of reactions you could have lived without.  Like i said i am not looking for the world from you...and acceptance and at at the very least what you want from me..how i need to be in your life, i will do whatever you say...i promise.  i have yet in 6 years broken any promise to anyone...and it feels good, and hopefully when i die (old age) knowing i did something not many will ever have the chance to do..and the only way i will mess up is if our story doesn't change...and i don't want to risk what i've accomplished and end up letting down the kids or anyone else for that matter.  It doesn't mean im forcing oyu to talk to me either...just what i asked for.  Whatever decision you make will allow me to move forward...without it i am in limbo and will die like that.  I'm sorry im being a little morbid but would you rather me just say stuff and not mean it...or tell you straight?...It's just how it is.  I'm also not implying at all that it's your fault or your responsibility, or even need to listen...cause you don't have to.  It can all end or move in a different direction than this...very easy and very fast.  It just takes you Tina to do that's all...should you choose for me to leave you be completely for everything, like i said i respect it..i do...but then that allows me to go and find myself.  I've thought of moving to the maritime s where my dad is but then again it isn't all my cup of tea...my options would be totally open.  as for the kids i know it would be a big change, but with the time i do have with them, and their ages aren't them same as when we first split so they are more focused on their growing and learning...i know they love me but im not a focus for them...and i get that too and understand why (I think)..and where ever i moved would be a change of scenery for the kids and would help with both of us moving on...we just can't keep doing it like this, and i can't just quit because it's not in me...so the only way is for you to dig deep and say what you mean and mean what you say....at this point if you say goodbye it won't have much impact as it would if you said maybe we should talk.  All i know is this year is my year of change...with you or without you...but i just need you to tell me, not be cryptic like you have been...and even in some of YOUR letters you do make it seem like yu'll think about it or like your coming around to at least being civil and normal...but then just as fast that happened you bottle back up...i can't do this till 40...i thought i culd but i need emotional stuff...i need the cuddling, i need to be their for someone...why?  Cause I get it!!!!  and relationships can be the best thing for two people if they understand...im just very sorry i didn't figure it out before it all happened...so the only way for me to at least feel better about myself is to try and fix what i broke...not only with myself but with thngs i've affected around me