The Day Before X-Mas

Well Saturday was a hard day but the kids and I had a lot of fun. They loved their gifts :-) I got Kiara a Care Bear (25th Anniversary Bear) which was white and had a big heart in the middle. I also got her Bratz doll. Dregan i got the Transformers Blaster that changes from a truck to the robots actual hand :-) Ans he also got this other thing where you can see in the dark, listen at long ranges as well as a proximity sensor. I have to admit it wasn't long enough cause when they left it felt like they just got their. I got a rock from them for x-mas, and I know as some think it was a ploy from the ex to hurt me, it came from my kids and i know some think it's stupid but that rock has a special meaning since it came from them. That was my X-mas. Now I am at work writing this and finishing up the day. I after work go home eat and sleep through tomorrow and hurry back to work for Wednesday. This is the second x-mas where i will be utterly alone...so needless to say I'd like to get this over quickly, and it's not to sound selfish...I guess it's cause i won't see my kids until next year and that hurts me more then anything or any missed holiday.

Going to be hard...

Tomorrow i go see my babies for our x-mas together. I know we will have a blast but it sucks that it wil be the last i see them untill the new year, so it's hitting me pretty hard. I can't wait untill the holidays are over...I miss the holidays but wothout waking up with my kids on x-mas day isn't the same nor will it ever be. Anyway i have to wrap up my day at work to go home. I can already feel the sadness sink in but i know once the holidays are over i will be fine...it's just the days leading up to it are hard. I love you Dre & Kiara...Daddy will see you tomorrow.

xoxoxox

A fitting quote...

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

Now it begins

I went yesterday and things were done…needless to say it was the hardest thing I had to do.  Going every month was straining but I knew the outcomes so it didn’t play with me too much.  Yesterday mind you was totally draining, but was taken with open arms.  It’s funny though how I seem to predict or to have this very big empathy feeling or vibe feeling.  Do I know too much for my own good?  I am not saying I am psychic, please god no…I am far from it…lol…but I guess it’s been the small things that have happened since the last time I wrote.  I really don’t want to get into it now…I should but I guess what I can say is, it’s sad to see how people can be two faced when you give them nothing but the world and your trust…maybe my life change wasn’t the best thing to do?  I think the only ones who deserve my honesty, loyalty respect & trust should be my kids…mind you they have always had that…and no matter what the final outcome could be, they will always have it.  Maybe it’s time I sit back and not focus anymore at rebuilding in the sense of starting over…I don’t think there is a point anymore…so maybe I should just do what I do best and that is being a Daddy first and excelling at a job I am good at.  Anyway I’m @ work so I should get back to it.  Maybe I will write later about what happened.

 

 

A part of life?

I met somone last night out the blue...and i mean completely random. Earlier in the day i talked to an old long time friend and he was mentioning about how he was looking for a chat room where he can talk to people about his problems and seek advice...and this was before i even told him about blogtv. I know i should go back on but i'm scared. Anyway can someone tell me what does it mean when you meet someone with almost everything in commun and can sit there and talk for hours and not get bored of it? Someone said it was scary cause she was like the female version of me. I don't know...the majority of me is really saying move along...but there is that little thing inside of me saying it doesn't care if he gets hurt if he does try and pursue something with her but finds out she isn't interested. But i can safley say one thing...she would have been or could have been something I would have been proud to be with. She is very passionate about her work and teaching. There is so much i can go on about her, but no point for now as she can and could be just another face i meet in life. I hope it's not the case.

Infinite sadness

The one thing…the one true thing she took from me that I will never get back is my happiness…my pure true happiness. I look at life now in a different light then I ever did before. I sit and watch how others say they want to be happy but yet turn around and do something that goes against what they say. I just don’t get it. All I know is every minute being without my kids the more sadness envelops me, almost like that black shroud that used to fall over me when I would have to go back home from visiting friends…the worst empty feeling you could ever possibly imagine. You know the funny thing is, I was afraid at one point to share my feelings cause knowing they might be used against me…but then I sat back and thought, I am allowed to be sad, hurt…and it will take time to heal. It doesn’t mean im not a fit parent, worker or human being…quite opposite since I would never ever let my kids go through any pain or hurt that I’ve gone through, not that they haven’t gone through pain of their own, which is not fair. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life…empty. Having to endure the false accusations against me for 2 years…hanging my head low…afraid and sad. Why can’t I break the spell of believing her? Why am I punishing myself for something I never did? Is my mom right? Am I a push over? I let her walk over me for 9 years cause I cared, and wanted to do nothing but give them the world which I was nearly there. Please pray for me and my kids tomorrow, we need it. The sooner they come home the sooner the healing can start. Dre, Kiara…Daddy loves you never ever ever forget that, because no matter what anyone says you both know Daddy is here for you and always will be…Trust your hearts.

Tomorrow.....

Tomorrow is the day I guess…well let’s see. I just wanted to take time this morning to make sure when I mentioned something before I go tomorrow…just that I know what will happen…and that finally things will move forward…regardless of what is really supposed to happen I know this time it will be a lil different. Like I mentioned to my family it’s getting harder and harder….especially when I am being forced to pay $180, mind you it’s what I owe but they want it in full and they know right now I can’t do it. Work is getting a whole lot better but to recoup to where I was will take time, they don’t care. Anyway I got to get to work but will chat more later.

Like I said...

Well I didn’t figure I would be this right, but remember Shannon? Well I had my suspicions on weather or not you know who was using others to spy and to try and keep me down…how did I figure this out? Well in short cause as for details I’m smart enough now to keep a tight lid on how I know…but last night was my come back show of sorts on BlogTV, and low and behold after 3 months of her disappearing she pops up…I know she was one of the guests that were watching cause as soon as I called her on it publicly she disappeared….im sorry but it’s not co-incidence anymore. I can’t wait till my book get’s published…it’s just a matter of time. I’ll write more about this after…got to get back to work.

Tolerance...

Maybe we can learn something from this...

Question...

I have been thinking about this for some time now, and when people tell me think about the kids, or this is about the kids…well no it’s not…I mean I am fighting till the end for my babies…but in retrospect and really sitting down looking at the bigger picture…what is going on now is not helping the kids…it is not benefiting them.  In fact the kids are the ones who are suffering more.  So I ask you whose fault is it?  Mine...you know who’s?  If looking after what’s in the best interest for the children is the priority…then why are they the ones getting hurt?...why are they being used…is that not hypocrisy?  I honestly think it’s all the big words and slang and terminology that plays the trick on all of us who go through something likes this to blind side us into not seeing things for what they truly are.  Think about it…take a normal man or woman going through divorce…it’s about them and between them…the kids should be focused on right away because children are more easily influenced in a time of crisis, and because of that can and could lead to psychological problems for them down the road.  Kids don’t understand what goes on even if you tell them or try to help them understand, not like adults were we separate or divorce we know why and what the score is.  I guess it saddens me a lot because I see my kids every Saturday and each time I see them they look so unhappy…and it’s not because the don’t want to be with me, but you can see it in their eyes.  I look at their pictures from a year ago till last Saturday and you can so see the dramatic and drastic change in them…so I ask you this as well…if family life was so horrible and violent and unstable…then why when you look at pictures or movies they are happy and look like they have no care in the world?  Then you look at recent pictures and movies and well...night and day is all I can say.  God I miss my babies so much.  Well that’s all for now, just needed to let that out.