I get it but don't...

I know that I'm learning lifes lessons...being groomed for something better and being positioned to ultimately win this nightmare I've been living. I feel it inside that its all unfolding how it should...I know I'm impatient to say the least, but feeling what could be is driving me nuts...I just don't get why I'm "pre-feeling" all of it? Is it hope of what I want? That I don't think so...cause I know certain things that will disprove that thought...I just can't write them here.
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It never...

It never ends...my life since day one has become a flurry of hard lessons in life...and life has shown me it is very real and very conscious. I can't let in on what happened...but it could be the biggest x-mas miracle...but I can safely say especially to you Dre and Kiara...it took everything daddy had...and all of this is out of love...I'm not scared anymore, and neither should the two of you ;-) I can't say I am going to get my whole cake - but you know daddy has always taught you that sharing is a good thing. I'm very cautious about today and my emotions because like I said earlier the past 2 years have been hell for me...literally. Every time things look good something happens and screws it up...so I'm keeping this close to the chest...only ones who know are my parents. The energy I am about to exert over the next month or so could either change things drastically...or it could pretty much physically, mentally and emotionally destroy me - I am so tired...and I can imagine so are the kids :-( Anyway back to work...ummm yeah back to work...just to show I'm even putting extra hours to accomplish and hopefully get that X-mas miracle.
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Sometimes...

I cried tonight while being on the phone with a counselor. I know one pain point that I discovered tonight cause when I cried I was angry. I know now all of this was designed to destroy my self esteem, trust, dignity - I lost it all, and now I am holding on for dear life...praying for peace and the time with my kids...I pointed out no one really cared about my kids as they are suffering and it shows...I told them of how and where I see them and some things that I have questioned have never been addressed. They took some of what I said to concern - they told me they may have to intervene which now is making me scared of what's to come. She did say I've carried a lot well for a very long time...more then others could...and I "should feel good" that I'm doing such a good job. If I was they'd be home. I needed to be sure I put this down in case its used against me saying I'm trying something...I didn't call them initially for the kids...it was work related and my self esteem...it just ended up centering around the kids in the end...my face hurts right now from crying...I've done so much damage since this all started to my face that every time I cry now it burns my face...those are the true scars of love....
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I don't...

Ok - I seriously don't understand why...but my gut is telling me to do this one last thing and keeping it close to the chest hence why I am not even giving notion as to what but for myself reading I know. But if I'm right I might have renewed my faith and hope for brining my kids home...well at least weekends...for now. I had to post this cause I couldn't sleep...and I needed this post to remind myself it feels right, even the thought...just the thought. So if you have your doubts...don't. What more do you have to lose? Nothing at all...but I can say one thing, your not a coward.
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Ringing words...

"If you love something let it go if it comes back to you its yours if it doesn't it was never meant to be" - ...we'll see
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It came today...

Well I got the answer from my client and we came back to high - apparently 60k to high. I did get a lot of after support from sean (vp) and ian my boss and others at work. Like they said I took a million $ opp. and built it in 2 days and gained good mfg contacts. But it does suck cause part of me feels I let my kids down and myself cause this would have helped bring them home. I know I have to re-group cause tomorrow is the last day of the month and I need a big day. I just wanted to make sure I got this down...I think for once I'll be fine - one thing scott from lenovo said made me feel better and its funny cause I think all of this happened for a reason...what do you think?
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The big one...

Its 3:22pm and I'm at work sweating...waiting for the answer...deep down I think I won but I also am feeling I lost...I hate the waiting..I just worked so hard on the deal that it would really be sad if I lost...pray for me and stay tuned for the verdict.
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Fighting to hold the tears back...

Today I had to fight the whole time from breaking down knowing it's over - my kids lost and so did I. Dregan, Kiara Daddy fought hard and long with everything he had...but he couldn't win against people who cheat and lie. No matter what is ever said to you both I love you so much I would walk across the country if it meant bringing you both home...I would do it before the question was finished being asked. It broke my heart to know you both think your coming back to see me...and your not...so even you both were lied to by others. I needed to be sure I got this down, so you both know it wasn't Daddy's decision. I love you both so much to death it hurts. I want you both to know there is not a day that goes by where I don't mention both of you to someone. If I were to say what was the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole entire life...it would be Dregan & Kiara. I am gonna go cause its really hard to hold the tears back again...Daddy Loves You Both!!! xoxoxoxo
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You win...

I never thought I would see the day where I lose...today was that day. For almost 3 years I've been fighting to see my kids and seeing them religiously on our special saturday's...today it was taken away from us. So starting the 22nd of november 2008 I will see them for 6hrs every two weeks - and the ultimate sad part is they have no idea and like I was told "they have no say in the matter" its funny cause last years offer is a 180 from what I'm getting now. The one thing she will never ever take away from Dre,Kiara and myself is our unconditional and true love. So in essence she doesn't really win...but she did as she also deprived the children and myself of a proper parental life. So who ever does read this...take heed as no matter how good you are or how nice even if your god himself through the eyes of the court,law,society if your a dad going what I've gone through or about to...you don't matter nor do the kids...but as long as "YOU" care and give them nothing but love,friendship and parental guidance then you are a true definition of what a true parent should be.
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The Election

McCain Concession - The next President of the United States of America Barrack Obama

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