You never know till the end....or until it's too late

Well i was right on my assumptions, that the weeks to come will be nothing but a huge life change again. But one thing that happened that has left me confused, hurt, lost...is I found out Meghan, a Friend who has been with me since day one of my separation...well...she is going to the University of Toronto and as the days got closer for her to leave which is this Wednesday it seemed her and i began to feel awkward about things..mainly our feelings. It's funny cause our friendship/relationship there was nothing physical, but we were always together. Then over the course of the past month or so people would randomly ask if we were dating but we both pushed it aside and said we are just friends...and never thought anything of it. But we then talked about it and it got weird...i think to the point where it hurt us both knowing even though we weren't far apart, it is too tough to let go. So we both i think are putting up a huge wall to protect one and other from knowing what it's gonna be like. She has been the only real distraction i guess that has been constant enough to help me at least try and forget about you know who...but now with her gone i am so scared old feelings will surface and i will go back to square one. All I do know is once she goes...this will be the first time in 10 years that my life is 100% different then it ever was...right down to the people i know. I never felt so alone in my life. BTW...as much as i have news on the kids, the news i have is staying put...not writing anything for now. But they are as well as can be and I miss then and love them to death. Anyway i am heading home now but needed to let this out.

Frustration builds....

I got a call today from my lawyer and her health is deteriorating...i felt horrible, but at the same time frustration came over me because my dates are pushed again till September...This has to stop...My babies are suffering and affecting them in ways that could potentially be irreversable. My heart melted though when Dregan said he didn't go fishing because he wanted to be with Daddy, and EVERYONE heard it. My mind right now is clouded because of the dates being pushed "again"...but like i was told and this is verbatim "Dave, it's all a game, roll with the punches...we know and believe you more then you know and we are going to be there to show the court who should be the parent caring for your kids so don't worry...but realize Dave it's a F'ing game...we deal with this everyday" But I asked myself do i really want to play the game? NO!!!! i don't...not at the expense of my kids well being and mental health...I'm so sorry Dre and Kiara for you both...it's not fair and i hope one day you will understand and forgive and i hope it hasn't damaged either of you to the point of no return.

Daddy Loves you both to death.
xoxoxo

Freedom?

I had my first taste of freedom with my babies...alone for 10 mins outside having lunch..im almost there

You can contact me at 5142927907
Vous pouvez me joindre au 5142927907.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Sent by Text Messaging from a mobile device.
Envoyé par messagerie texte d'un appareil mobile.
----------------------------------------------------------------

One of my last thoughts....

I remember the stories they used to tell me,
about how beautiful and powerful she was.
She was a goddess amongst mortal men.
Every slight sound she made was a pure as an angel resting on her shoulder.
Every whisper she spoke, brought passion and clarity
to all those fortunate enough to hear her voice.
But that is no longer. Those are just stories from the past.
I see the way they treat her now, the way the disrespect and take advantage of her.
They used her for their own personal gain, success and pain.
They tricked her into thinking it was all done for love,
But really, it was done for money.
They say money is the root of all evil, but I know its people.
It's people who have carried out these treacherous crimes against her.
It is people who have tried to suck, and nearly drained the blood of her soul.
Her name is .... She was once innocent, perfect.
But now I fear for the worst.
The day they drained her of all her blood, will be the day .... dies.

Kiara's B-Day

6 Days...

Six days till I go back to court...again to be pushed, bet you 20$...but i am surprised this time...well knock on wood...but usually i got overly stressed about court, but this time for some reason i don't feel that...i even thought i was trying to hide it or from it, but im not. My feelings have been weird...things that have been happening have been weird...not in a bad way though just...i guess uuughhh therei go again with my mental block...why can't i write like i used to? My thougts are so clear but so many of them and can't organize them...I'll come back when i can...all i know is for some reason i am feeling things will be ok...for the first time i feel that...i dont know why though...maybe becaue the dreams have subsided for now? I don't know...anyway i have to figure out how i am gonna see my babies saturday...i am just happy i got the job i wanted...so now i should be able to start to afford it...Thank you god.

Sorry...

I just wanted to say i'm sorry for not getting into details in my last post...but it's how it goes and how i get when it get's closer to court time...so many thoughts and emotions it's unreal.

Too much...just way too much.

Do we really have that bond within us? that undying connection between two people? I did and have done everything people have told me do to move on...believe me to ease the pain and to lose the pain i have tried everything...even begged to god to take it away. It was working being able to help others, but even that could not take the pain away...only masked it. One of the reasons why i haven't blogged on here was because of Blogtv....but as much as I love BlogTV, and I do...i can get my words out easier on here and be able to ball like i am now and not have to have people look at my pain all the time...It would kinda defeat the purpose don't you think? And yes i know...I have to be happy with myself before making others happy, and I agree...and it's not that I'm not happy with myself...but i am so angry and unhappy how everything went...it was wrong. Please don't get me wrong I respect her wishes and will do nothing to jeopardize that...but I am allowed as a human being to have the feelings i have. I do wish that I wold wake up from this nightmare...omg do i ever....because like I've told people we become what we experience in life...every comment, look, thought..argument, failure...even the good things that happen to us....and i know i have changed a lot over the year...even with me getting a new job, and the friends I've made...home isn't home anymore...no matter how i rebuild...I miss it...i do, and it's bad because most of our issues were issues that could have been solved...but because there was so much B.S. that covered what was good, it just seemed too be to much. One step forward and 2 steps back eh?....I even thought of staying single...and also getting an op done...i mean that's if she has to get hers...I heard she was getting sick, but I heard that from the center...and i knew exactly why without them telling me...and well...that's how deep i care...it's fucking scary. I knew i cared but this much...anyway it's getting hard to type with the tears. I just wish I could type more because of all the things that have gone on....so much has...i have come so far but still feel like this is Day one...why? does anyone have the answer?

Weekend?!

Well...now i get it, and understand why now...I found out Friday that with in the rules for seeing Dregan & Kiara if i miss 3 consecutive visits they close the file and well...that's it. The sent knows it's completely out of my power...it just costs to much. It's been the one thing that has been hurting me bad...and on top of that well i didn't see them again because they had their play to practise for...so it's pushed for this Friday 4:30 to 6:30 which kinda sucks but at least i get to see them....soooo much i want to do, 2 hrs is not a long time. So much has gone on, I'm still trying to process it in my head...soon i hope i can put things together and write it out. Anyway I have a big day tomorrow....just wanted to write quick about the kids....all i can say is i miss them to death.

Wow...i say that alot these days....

I'm sorry...I can't remember the last time i posted...I found another site which i figured would help since as much as I loved to type and let things out...I figured I would video blog it...seemed really kewl, and well I wanted my babies to see their Daddy trying...well more then trying...I haven't been able to see them now for almost a month, and it's not a lack of trying...Just can't afford it anymore, and it's not my life style I'm leading either...I'm just tapped out...and I have wicked dreams at night of Kiara & Dregans faces and the look of disappointment. God it's so hard, but i am trying with every ounce of hope and energy left in my soul...and i thought my life before was hard. I do have to admit the video Blogging has been a useful tool to help me move on and help to act as a distraction, but i don't think people will really get how much pain flows through my blood and soul...some say to seek help...but why deny the fact we all feel and hurt...and until I get my babies back i won't ever be fully healed...an open wound never healing, even over time. But i have met some really genuinely nice people on that site, and it has at least given me closure on myself, and the fact what she has always said about me was not true, and that i am a nice guy...so at least i have that closure...and I guess it makes me feel good to be able to be someones shoulder, no one should ever go through the pain i went or am going through...the good thing is i am hiding it better then i have been before. Today was the hardest though and still is...i can't stop crying at all...i miss them so much...i miss my princess Kiara and my Dre Dre...and i can just see the looks on their faces as they are told they won't be seeing my again..why?!? Can someone give me a real answer why we have to hurt...and please no stupid answers like we have to...we don't have to people I'm sorry...we are just to lazy and ignorant to put any effort in...and honestly too selfish...it's always what "we" want...and don't realize that we are all human and we all hurt...no matter color, or creed...we are all the same and we a re all born good...anyway just wanted to pop by and let you know sort of whats' going on....i just can't type anymore...i need this cry for my kids...i owe it to them.