Wow...i say that alot these days....

I'm sorry...I can't remember the last time i posted...I found another site which i figured would help since as much as I loved to type and let things out...I figured I would video blog it...seemed really kewl, and well I wanted my babies to see their Daddy trying...well more then trying...I haven't been able to see them now for almost a month, and it's not a lack of trying...Just can't afford it anymore, and it's not my life style I'm leading either...I'm just tapped out...and I have wicked dreams at night of Kiara & Dregans faces and the look of disappointment. God it's so hard, but i am trying with every ounce of hope and energy left in my soul...and i thought my life before was hard. I do have to admit the video Blogging has been a useful tool to help me move on and help to act as a distraction, but i don't think people will really get how much pain flows through my blood and soul...some say to seek help...but why deny the fact we all feel and hurt...and until I get my babies back i won't ever be fully healed...an open wound never healing, even over time. But i have met some really genuinely nice people on that site, and it has at least given me closure on myself, and the fact what she has always said about me was not true, and that i am a nice guy...so at least i have that closure...and I guess it makes me feel good to be able to be someones shoulder, no one should ever go through the pain i went or am going through...the good thing is i am hiding it better then i have been before. Today was the hardest though and still is...i can't stop crying at all...i miss them so much...i miss my princess Kiara and my Dre Dre...and i can just see the looks on their faces as they are told they won't be seeing my again..why?!? Can someone give me a real answer why we have to hurt...and please no stupid answers like we have to...we don't have to people I'm sorry...we are just to lazy and ignorant to put any effort in...and honestly too selfish...it's always what "we" want...and don't realize that we are all human and we all hurt...no matter color, or creed...we are all the same and we a re all born good...anyway just wanted to pop by and let you know sort of whats' going on....i just can't type anymore...i need this cry for my kids...i owe it to them.