I just

I just want to feel loved again...I miss it so much it's killing my heart.
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OMFG....

Ok at this point I can't prove it anymore except on here and with myself. But after cutting Tina off with me and all communication life in the past 3 weeks have been uneasy but perfect?!...I don't like it at all....that's not true; I do like it but I just became a scared rabbit. I just know good things are happening and fast...I don't know what to do. :/ I guess I just don't want that shoe to drop where I invest my heart again...that's what's bothering me. Anyway we'll see how the rest of the night goes and when I wake up.
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I know everything does happen for a reason...

My insecurities stem from people staring at me...i've finally figured this out, which to me is something i need to change. How did i come to this conclusion? Well since I came full circle and told her where to go and that i was uncom

You can inherit others...

I finally came to the conclusion after the past 3 weeks of drama, that my ex has very serious mental issues that do not stem from me and i also came full circle. What started it all...and i mean from day one and the website i was told she was on? Well she was...and i found her, by accident. It hurt like a knife in the back and chest at the same time...but i needed it. Even writing this i feel some anxiety, but it's probably the triple triple i bought....but i stood my ground because i spoke the truth all these years and pushed back (metaphorically speaking). She really has no power on me..and i really am done with her. I did try, never ever put doubt in your mind that you weren't noble and loyal...even though times have changed and people don't see the value of that anymore doesn't mean it isn't a good thing. Not many men would stand by their family despite the lies that were fed to them. So this very well be the end of the story..i mean there will still be drama...but i mean "the story". Now it's time to get better...and what i mean by that is i can feel the sickness she gave...like almost brainwashed, but not...i can see the truth and feel who i was. It's just relearning and reconditioning...I think that's what was the main focus to suppress...me. With the dark cloud always hanging over me i could never be 100% me and always shied away which i was never like...because if that were the case i would have been in a different situation by now. But on the other hand i would not have learned what i have. I am more of a man than most, and im not saying that with arrogance..im saying this because i learned from my mistakes...most don't and keep repeating. Be proud of what you've accomplished Dave...and yes im talking in the 3rd person..you did more than most and look at where your sitting...i know it' snot exactly where you want to be but you were left in the dust with nothing dude...like ZERO...lost your kid, house, car, career...and everything in between. You fought for your rights to see your kids and won, you don't have a house but managed to stay in the same place since...a car to come soon...your back on top almost like you never skipped a beat..but you still need to man up and take whats yours...you got more talent than your giving yourself credit for...your bankruptcy is almost done, you have zero debt. Time to start fresh come the new year...so do yourself a favor. Take a short breather but mentally prepare for new times, and good times. It's over Dave...it's time for oyu to be happy. You deserve it..more than you know.

What started it all surfaced...

This weekend was very symbolic...one thing that i just realized now which is very significant...i found her on a dating website...the very one the co-worker told me about. After 5 years of trying to rebuild trust in one and other went right out the window. I can never trust her again, nor even talk to her. The anger, and negative feeling i can't take anymore...no matter how much i do love her. She is sick and has a lot of mental problems and i am so better off without her...but i've now wasted 5 years of being pretty much loyal to this woman as most men would give up, i continued to try and fix and fight for what was right. I lost...all it took was "the website". She is off my phone, and is told any type of communication is through email only and for emergencies only...but to mainly go through Dre. I know it is a little immature, but what i went through and now what i've just come to find out has all been a lie for the past 5 years, i think i am allowed to do one small immature thing...but it's for a very good reason. Like i've always said unless we are together we can not co-exist...that's how strong our energy is...anyway yeah.

What is the right answer? Is there really a true answer?

I can't...5 years, 5 months, 2 days, 12 hours and 5 minutes is quite enough for any human being to stand. She has won at alienating my kids from me...i fought so hard to get what time i have with them and for what? To continue to take the bombardment of abuse from HER? I bend over backwards when she asks for anything but when i need something she refuses...she refuses to allow my kids to call me at all, only see me every second weekend. I don't get it?! like wtf?! The real sad part is everyone knows she is sick in more ways than one but yet why am i still left holding the bag? I hate knowing I have created two amazing things on this planet that im not allowed to teach, care for (except when they are here), watch them grow, see them graduate or their talent shows...this amuses her and she enjoys it. Even though i had all the proof in the world in court...because this is Quebec she wins by default...the scary thing is if she was a crackhead the outcome would still be the same. She says no personal info when we talk, yet she tell me about her family, her stress, her embarrassments, and her illness...again wtf?! But when anything less personal happens she doesn't care or respond...even if i ask a question on things shes said she'll ignore...im only allowed to listen, not speak. Why the fuck am i continuing to take this bullshit?! I love my kids more than I love my own life and would die for them if it meant them having a full, healthy and successful life...i can't say the same for HER...and Tina if your reading i hope your happy. This is a person after so long has this ficticious fear of even speaking on the phone yet she can txt up a storm when she wants. I don't know where my heads is at right now but it hurts. Sometimes i just don't want to wake up it hurts that bad not having my kids around or knowing how much i've missed out because of her selfishness and lies...she knows damn well too she didn't have to do any of this...i am sure once it was out of her hands and she saw how much destruction she caused she went into coward mode and went with it all because she knew she was protected. I can't believe how far some people will go and the shows they put on because of their own lack of security in themselves. I just don't understand why or how she has this power over me where i buckle?! am i that noble of a guy who still believes in 100% commitment? or am i still mildly suffering from the attempted murder, false imprisonment, losing my car and house...in fact losing everything including who i was..and I became afraid if i do anything that might upset her it will be two fold worse...oh yeah not sure if i ever put this in writing before but yes...the first year my life was almost taken...i was set up and it was no co-incedence..they named her and told me if i continued to fight for my kids it would be worse next time...i still get nightmares about it...she denies it...when we went to one session of mediation i let it out on the table and you know that over-reacting look people do when they are lying? she had it...and the mediator could tell. I am definitely a poster child for ex-wife abuse with a dash of legal abuse syndrome. I am also not feeling sorry for myself...because of one reason. she may have taken all of me, but there is still a piece of me that is hidden and untouched...the essence is there in certain occasions and you can see it...many can. But in general it's dormant and can only come back to life by one thing...and that's someone who see's me...not what she has created of me. Everything most new people see is the after effects of what happened...so realistically they are seeing someone who isn't themselves but they wouldn't know any better...for others who know and knew me; they can see it and can tell. It will take one woman to break the curse she put on me...and it's not her. As you can tell i'm venting up a storm...my head is all over the place...i really don't know where i get the strength from or how i've stayed sane...people wonder. I've deactivated my Facebook...turned off MSN...literally dropping off the grid...i'm in a lot of pain.

My Dad had a heart attack today @ 4:30pm...please don't take him from me now...not now...please.
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Its gonna be MY decision

Today I hope is the day I wake up from being used...I start txt with her and she's given me more, but so it seems...and I've fallen into the trap of thinking there was a chance of things working out...but she is hopeless and is using me...there is always problems in her life and anytime I ask for something I get ignored...even asking if I'm being ok with how I'm txt'ing her and boundaries...and still ignored...unfortunately for her I will only take so much, and with her being sorta back in my life already, its up and down, up and down...and I cannot afford to risk losing my job. I got over her!!!! At least I did till we started talking...but she laid the honey trap and I fell for it. She will get the point next time she asks for help or anything...cause at this point it really not worth it...and with her more or less admitting I'm a very good dad - I'm going to go back to how I was with them pre-speaking to Tina...cause with the adjustments I've made because of her has made me lose a little touch with the kids...I am not or will not allow my relationship, trust and love for the kids and the kids towards me to be jeopardized. I'm used to the every two weeks, even though I do have my days but enough is enough.
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What happens next?

I don't know anymore - now I just don't know. One min she tells me all this stuff, like she's emotionally weak, and some of her days @ work and then the next second back to being cold?!?! It really hit home though hearing her Dad in the background...he was intown for surgery which I'm hoping will finally make him better...I liked him...but anyway yeah, when I heard his voice it just made it hard for me...The kids tell me to hope? Well Dre does, but I don't think he understands...he says he does but...its just weird...I don't even know why I'm blogging this to tell you the truth. All I know is tonight I realized I'm in tune with a lot now...I still need to tweak a few things here and there but I am. I also realized the more @ peace I am the better I see...the more the opposite I become the less I see. Tonight proved it...especially knowing a month before tonight that it would happen? LOL...yeah figure that out. And it was when my and a friend Randy were trying to meet up for coffee when I sent him a msg and once done I noticed my friend grace posted a status...and for a second I pictured them too meeting...but not actually thinking that. There was no thought process to how I knew tonight would be...grace txt'd me earlier to see about hanging out and when I called her I was txt'ing my friend Randy trying to make plans, when grace blurted out that one of my friends just sent a request to be added and when she told me who I knew...I laughed and told her that's kinda ironic because I was txt'ing him as we spoke. Now keep in mind neither of them had ANY prior knowledge that I even hung out with either until I told them. So plans for coffee were made and yeah....she is probably still on the phone with him lol. It was really cool seeing Randy though - been 5 years but that was a blur cause it was fresh separation...like 4 months I think. I don't remember a lot of the first year. But yeah he hasn't changed since high school, looks older but still the same. Then I came home to a msg congratulating me on getting my kids sorta back...that was the icing. But tonight had purpose and meaning. Even with the SuperMoon we had tonight there is more to come. Anyway nite
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Day of change

Tomorrow is going to hopefully be a day of change. New job..I should have it no problem. I'm just glad I guess I'm not going to be let go for "missing" In a way though I don't care @ this point. The place isn't the same since I left and even if I did stay I wouldn't get my clients back. I see everyone struggling even top reps - so maybe it is a sign to change. When and how though will I get my sign with Tina? Someday's things look like there's hope and other days...I don't know. I'm sorry for always talking about this...I guess this is the only real place I can talk about it. I don't like talking to others anymore because its old news and most don't really know what to say anymore. I guess she confuses me when she says one thing and does another...so regardless if she said we will never be, why does she let me in on her personal and physical pain? One of the last things we talked about was work and she said "Its not easy I know..they made me feel guilty when I took time off". I know its not severely personal, but like she said communication is strictly about the kids? Ummm this wasn't. As much as I'd like to read into it I can't and shouldn't. But I care for her so much. I don't think anyone else could or will...and even "if" she met someone they don't nor will they ever know her like I do...and that I'm very confident in. Like I told my dad - maybe her and I are destined to live apart and be single yet be together? I know it sounds odd but I don't have any other explanation...she is like my estranged wife...and the term fits if u look it up. Anyway I'm going to try and get some sleep...I just hope I'm being looked over and watched over...the emptiness I feel without her is real...she is the other part of me I am seriously lacking. If she only knew...
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