even sleep and a talk....

Even sleep & a talk doesn't help anymore...not sure how much writing is doing anymore...Mom says I am just tired, my Dad told me not to give in cause if I do it will only get worse for me...so why can't I find the strength anymore? Why do I feel so weak? Can anyone help? Don't get me wrong...I love my kids...to death...they are of my own flesh and blood...but I am afraid if I do come out relatively on top what the repercussions are going to be...and if I do lose...well all I know is it will certainly crush me to the point of losing everything...my job, home, belongings...everything I worked so hard for in life to get and to give...I will have started out as a young thug turned for the better by "someone" and become a respectable hard working individual...back to being a bum...in a blink of an eye...it is the bottom of the ninth...but bases ain't loaded...and down by a run...2 outs...and I am at the plate...what are my odds of getting this into a tie? Can I? ...or am I deluding myself? or...am I right about everything and everyone telling me to hang in there is wrong...there have been so many questions left not answered....so many lies told to hurt...WHY!!!! Why the hatred? Why the hurt? Why the immense suffering? It is not needed, and it does not have to be this way...but it is I guess...and that's why I am not strong anymore...I am weak...I am truly scared of....well we all know who I am afraid of...I don't think I have even been scared of anyone before really...but I am not afraid for stupid reasons...I am afraid for many good ones...I guess the main ones are lies....man if this was done fairly it would have all been over with by now...maybe not the hurting, but it would have been done right and the kids would not have been traumatized...cause I know they are and they hate what's going on...you can see it in their faces...and you can hear it when they speak...they are so scared it's not funny...Good parents know, and can feel...that's why I know...cause I can feel it in them...and there is nothing I can do to stop it...as much as I pray every night for them...I have no power right now to change or help them in anyway...except re assure them when I see them things are ok...but I know, they don't believe it...even at their age...I was told by many people...Police, lawyers, doctors...friends...everyone I talked to and they said there are people out there who do things like this and are sick...not sure the term they meant, but sick is sick I guess...am I sick for not being a fighter? Am I sick for being scared? It's like the boy who cried wolf...but the funny thing is I never cried wolf before, and it just seems my pleads for help are going un answered and the wolf is here...and hungry...so what am I supposed to do? Can anyone out there hear me? Will my prayers be answered? or will I just go without being heard? I feel so sick to my stomach right now it's not funny...I thought my stuff was bad in the begining...i don't think I have ever felt like this before in my life...ever. I should go for now...this is hurting me too much...and it's funny cause i have nothing else to do...and i don't want to sleep cause I am scared of the dreams...I don't want to stay awake cause I cry...Please if anyone out there can save me from this please...I beg you...Help me.

....harder afternoon....

Even this afternoon is hard...engulfed with my thoughts, fears, worries...I just want to give up...I mean as much as I am fighting my hardest to get my kids...I feel like all of it is not worth it...all my work, effort, strength...hope...I even prayed to god...is that why a storm is rolling in? Is he there to answer my prayers? Or am I going to get more bad news to crush me even more? Why? what did I ever really do to deserve this? Wow....that was close...was that a sign for what I just said? That lightening struck very close to the house...So God if you are listening to my prayers, or thoughts...why? why did this happen? if it's me strike me down...if it's not please take away the hurt...I beg of you...take away the hurt from my kids as well...they truly do not deserve it...they never asked for it...put life back on track so everyone can be happy again...we all need it now...everyone of us...I don't think I can take much more hurting...as much as my wall was built for some of it...it is starting to seep through...Is there an angel out there who can save me? The storm is getting bad...I hear firetrucks and ambulances just down the road...I hope no one got hurt...Life is in utter chaos mode right now...like it is unbalanced...and not just with me, but with everyone I talk too...

Hard morning...

Rough morning...all I have to say is, this sucks...why? Still so many questions left unanswered...mind you they are becoming more evident as each day passes...I do wish there was a pill to get over all of this...cause the stinging is still there...but everyone says it's normal...but I don't like it...I don't like hurting and don't like feeling sad...LOL...the funny thing is I guess trust was never really an issue...or was it? I mean I don't want to say too much, but life does not feel the same anymore...nor do I...my self esteem is wearing thin...so is my confidence...but like people have been saying it's normal...I'll have good days and bad ones...and as much as the good days were starting...it feels like the bad ones are creeping back in, and I wish I knew how or had the power to stop it...Blogging was helping...but now there is only certain things I will type for now...But all I know is, there will be more hurt to come...I know this now...reason I know...cause I lost my sunglasses...they meant the world to me since they were Dregan's...they were to big for him when he was younger and the kids broke my other ones..so I wore his...now...they are gone...same with my earrings...all my sense of who i am is going away...or is it? So God if you are listening please help me...help me get over the pain i feel inside...the hurt...I have asked everyone but you...I never wanted to bug you with my petty problems...but now it's to the point where my heart is broken...and it is in a million pieces, and I am scared it will never heal...will it? Can it? Why does love have to be broken? Why do we have to hurt? Why do we for that matter? I am hoping you hear my prayers...I really do...no one in life deserves to feel this way...I know well my wish that I want will never happen...and you know what that wish is since I wish it every night...but if i can get the other wish below that one it may help...sorry for grabing at whatever I can, but I hate feeling like this...I do...and as much as I try and put the best foot forward everyday...but it is not the easiest thing to do...ugghhhhh...I wonder how the kids are...especially today...I miss them so much...i miss the voices...Man if this is a dream wake me up...if it's not take me away from all the hurt and pain...I beg of you...I don't want to be incircled with all of these memories anymore...thinking of the good times hurts extremley...and thinking of the bad does as well...cause some of it was petty, some not...but for sure some yes and could have all been avoided...but i do know now, that it is feutile to hope or pray...I don't know anymore...anyway I think i am gonna go let out some tears...i have been fighting them since I woke up...Please God, I do hope you hear me...

Tomorrow's Outlook...

LOL...ok tomorrows outlook, sunny with a chance of the police...sorry I know I shouldn't laugh at the matter, but almost every 4 days or so they come...and like I have stated throughout all of this, but I never ever did anything wrong to deserve all of it. I think it is starting to become apparent and evident...but only time will tell. My brother is crashing over tonight to keep me company...then i have to drive my mom back to work, then drop of my child support check to the lawyer...come home and do my stuff... ;-) As mentioned from here on in it's a secret...6 days left as of tomorrow. I am nervous, but confident. I know I may not get the whole cake, but I am pretty sure I will get half, if not a little bit more. I am just surprised how many poeple have kicked into high gear for me...can't name anyone as they advised me against it...so we'll just keep it at that. :-) Anyway I have to clean a bit before th gets here so chat later.

Did I mention....

Well I have reposted my stuff, and I am hoping it will remain safe now. I was told they are not obscene, aggressive, or innapropriate...it does show my pain of my loss and nothing more. I know it's over and that will never change...but am I not allowed to feel hurt by it? My main concern is my kids no matter how anyone twists it, or alters the fact...bottome line is I LOVE MY KIDS!!!! On a lighter note...guess what? The doorbell rang again, and guess who it was? LOL...you guessed right... The Police! It was to get the car, and yoga mat...I showed them it was a lease and it would cost me 500$ to take my name off the lease, which I don't have...needless to say it was a nice visit from him since I knew who he was. They left and I went about my evening. I can't wait till this weekend though, it is sure bound to be an exciting one. I have loads to do today, mow the lawn again...I just cut it like 5 days ago...then well...getting things done. :-)

Final post...for now...

Well I can't say I caved...I didn't, but I took down my blogs and saved them...mind you I know copies have been made of them. I did this for a few reasons...first reason is I am sure it will be used against me in the custody hearing against my kids...which in my opinion is unlawful, unethical and immoral. This blog site was intended to help me "RECOVER" from my loss. No matter how the facts get twisted, and not saying by me...all of what is happening and happened since May 3rd...well now I can say probably since March 28th now...is something that shouldn't be happening this way. It was a big help getting over things, and was and is a healthy way to cope and understand and sort through feelings. If it was wrong to do, my doctors, family, friends and the support I have been getting would have all told me my blogs were "to aggressive" or "inappropriate". It goes to show you freedom of speech can still be compromised and twisted...I care for my kids a great deal, and I am a very good father...to those who have seen my blog in the past, you can see. But when facts are twisted, making things look worse then they are, or were...doesn't help. I am or have gone through a separation of nine years...and what I am supposed to be happy about it? am I not allowed to grieve? or try and find acceptance and understanding over it? I guess not since I took my earlier posts down...I guess I am not allowed to feel sad...I know I could still have done so in "Word" or on paper, but I wanted to share with others my life experience, that's all...it was not intended to "Communicate", "Discredit", "Hurt", or even help my case...it was merely to help me move on...but I guess I am not allowed to do that either...I have learned quite a bit in 3 months...it's scary... I have been very passive since everything started since there is no reason for me to be otherwise...but me being attacked I guess in my opinion shows that I am a good father, and I am in the right...because if I was in the wrong, I would have attacked from the get go...so for the record since this post may be used too...I know I am separated, and have known since the 27th of April 2006...so please leave me alone...for those who have been sending me emails like 69 of them in 2hrs...or "80" in 2 days...please let me move on with my life and stop trying to keep me where I am...I don't like the pain or hurting...I just want to move on and be happy in life...I deserve it and so do my kids...I have more then enough proof of that. Once my blogs have been looked over by legal council, and others I will repost everything...untill then Freedom of Speech and my thoughts are silenced...well...on here anyway...I am still blogging in a "Word" document that I can upload after...For those who have given me unconditional support, and praises and prayers thank you...for those who have tried to hurt, silence, tamper and destroy my thoughts, happiness and well being....well....I guess in the end karma has a funny way of rearing it's head...so I offer no ill will towards anyone...until next time...oh if my readers still would like to read my blogs, I can send by email to requesters only...since I am posting them in a word doc.

Pictures the kid's drew for me today.

Ok, well since I am not allowed to take pictures and post them when I see them on Saturdays, I figured posting their drawings would be ok. Sorry if it offends some people seeing how much my kids love me.



(Dregan's Spaceman Picture)

(I drew the mountains and Kiara Colored them in. It looks almost like the drawing I did for them)

(Kiara's I Love You with a train she drew)

BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

Not time to blog just yet...making a few phone calls...but BOOM BOOM!!!!! what a day with my kids. :-) But later on I will let oyu in on the whole scoop...oh yeah by the way...apparently my blogs are aggressive in nature...LOL...yeah ok...and now I am not allowed to take anymore pictuers of my children when I see them. Anyway catch ya later.

Well Tomorrow's here!...but weird dreams...

Well I gotta split in like 45 mins to go see Dre & Kiara. :-) My dreams last night were really odd...Damn...I wanted to write it down on what they were before I forgot, all I can really remember is that there was a lot of chasing, but could not tell who it was...and no it wasn't police...it was as if I was chasing a mirror image of myself...but I don't know why...meh...oh yeah crashing out last night I heard the strangest thing, and I think it's a first too...but I heard a boat using it's "horn" if that's what it's called...there was light fog last night, but not sure if that was the reason...it was like every 5 mins and lasted for about 1/2 hr. Well last nights sleep doesn't compare to the sleep I had the night before...LOL...mind you it's cause I can't wait to see my kids...and on top of that, it should be a rather interesting time there...I am hoping it goes well...it should, but you never know...I read my post from the 20th, and it was funny cause it was almost if I knew what was going to happen before it did...I sent an email to some people of that post so they can read and see how odd it was...but needless to say now I know 99.9% that last weekends switching if times was no coincidence...and the "Doctors Appointment" well....very questionable...I can almost bet you I won't be allowed to see a doctors note...but it's funny, cause that's the reason why the kids didn't show up last Saturday apparently...but it still doesn't make sense, cause if she was sick...and still went to the doctors, then she was fine enough to go...she should have been fine enough to bring the kids to see me...but then again I was "Illegally Detained" 2 lawyers have told me this, and I have also read up on the Canadian Charter of Rights, The Criminal Code, Civil Code, and the Police Code of Ethics...being arrested on a Saturday you don't get a speedy trial since court is closed till the weekday...so I know this was all planned....but it is not bringing my spirits or hopes down at all. The more this goes on the more ammo I have, and the more it looks bad on everyone else...since the only thing I am doing is my regular routine, and waiting patiently to see my kids. Anyway I got to go get ready and find a few things before I go...but I will write and post pics as soon as I get home. Wish me luck, and on the off chance I don't post anything or write...well we all know where I am...LOL..I shouldn't laugh, but as I have always stated I have never been a criminal, nor have I ever done anything criminal towards anyone...and people know that...I just find it funny that ever since I see my kids for the first time on May 6th, that's all that seems to be happening to me for no reason. Anyway see ya soon! :-)

Can't Wait! Tomorrow is almost here! :-)

I got Dre his little surprise. :-) It's a Yu-Gi-Oh game for his Gameboy Advance SP, it also comes with 3 Limited Edition Official Game Cards...and Kiara's Gift well...I know she is gonna love it. I am ordering pizza for lunch for them tomorrow...so it should be a very fun day. I will for sure crash out early tonight. Mind you I am extremly happy and excited for tomorrow...as well as some break throughs that happened just before supper. :-) But that is my little secret for now :-P Things are actually coming together, oh yeah I even got an email back from Google tonight, so even that is amazing. I just never wanted it to get this big or even be this big...people who know me know I hate negativity, fighting...the works...but i guess I have to do what I have to do in the best interest of my kids. I love them to death, and all i want is for them to be happy in life and not be scarred by all of this.