First one of the new year....

I've been sitting here thinking of some of the things i want to change within me...one is to stop being scared of what other people think of me...I also noticed a pattern in myself...a defense mechanism...when a traumatic event happens against me I go into a shell, which I did for most of all of this...pushing people away...not wanting to go out...being scared to bump into "Her"...i don't ever want to see her again...as much as I am extremley sad to not have been with my family on New Years...seeing her again would kill me...that's why this year strength is what I have to focus on... as well as shedding skin that is not needed anymore...When i meet new people as much as I try and be myself we all put on a mask in the begining to protect ourselves...some masks are smaller then others but all do the same thing...this is where I have to overcome my fear...lose the fear...I did it before when I moved to Dorval...I came outta my shell, and when I did I was at the top...waiting to move to the next level...and I did...and I almost got to where I was about to be "Something"...and it was taken away from me, and I live it everyday...you can't turn back time...but you certainly can take what was destroyed....use some of what's left and make it stronger...not completley rebuild...because obviously the foundation has withstood the test of time...and once built, it will be bigger, stronger and better then it was...I am moving to the next level...maybe that guy who posted a comment in the begining was right...maybe the gift is coming soon...the one beyond the problem...who knows...but I do know this is my enterance to the next level in life, and I have a whole lot to offer....and I sit back and think...that's pretty scary...because I never saw that in myself before. I really wonder...I really wonder who will come out on top...and I wonder if Dad's advice and wisdom are true...if so...well the I guess that's a good reason why Dad's are important. Anyway I'm out...wanted to throw that in since i am soooo bored...lol...but it's all good. ;-)