Lunch time...

Well here i sit at lunch waiting for 1pm to roll around...i am glad i am starting to write again...my fear is slowly going away...it's noce to see the amount of support i get when i see my kids at the center...Like i mentioned to chantal when we are there we stick out like a sore thumb...what i mean is we don't look like we need to be there...because something i do the parents follow suit, or try the same thing i do...lol..i am not saying it in vain either, it was just something i noticed. One time a monther thoughti wokred there...lol..mind you I do help clean up and organize things as if i was working there..i also try and make the setting easy for my kids too. As much as i like the people there i think it's almost time to stop all of this...If i was an evil person like i have been depicted as then i would have fallen flat on my face...been arrested..something...but for over 7 months i have been the same...well the same plus the fear of being forced to believe i was evil...but other then thatbeen doing what i can to move on. One thing i noticed though...since I have been separated...the day that is I no longer smoke...i do have the occasional cigarette, but i know now why i had that addiction...I guess i now why people are saying i will come out on top...maybe because i am doing this all on my own...where as others are hiding behind people by over exageratting lies and stories...that's what happens i guess. Now I am free to show the disbelievers, courts whomever that everything mentioned about me or my personality or anything about me being evil, harmful, controlling...is and was always false, and it was I whom was controlled...reason being...i was too afraid to do anything...in fear that I would get in trouble...god I can't wait to finish this book...maybe then i will have full complete closure. Anyway I have 25 mins left till i go back to work..will either write tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Weekend of reflecting....

Well i did a load of reflecting this weekend. Where i went wrong in life...where everything went wrong in life. I went and saw my kids on Saturday and when i went to do Dregans homework i noticed he is leaving out his other last name...My last name...I even asked Dre why...he said he forgot how to spell it...I almost cried but kept my composure. Now it is becoming more and more clear as each day passes, that i never did anything to harm anyone. It is scary to see how it's easy for someone to hold the power to destroy someone life based off lies...and fear...and knowing now this was alll set up...what does a person do to redeem himself? Well i have the answer to that one, but keeping it to myself. One thing i can mention is i am writting a book. Why? well maybe it's because i am tired of hiding the real truth about how things went on...look I have never ever claimed to be perfect. But living a life of fear...and i mean for 7 months i have been afriad to say anything...to talk to anyone, to do anything in fear of retaliation which does happen frequently...only when i see my kids now. But i was lead to believe for this long that i was this mean evil person who was abusive, like a drunk would be when he got home from work...but i was the opposite...when my book is finished you will see how things developed the way they did and you will finally see the truth for what it is...and maybe then can i redeem myself and finish building a life i started to create and come out on top like a lot of people are telling me. But...i do have certain rules i do have to abide by...like for now untill my charges are aquitted in June i cannot say or mention certain things...it could be in breach of my conditions...but as long as i write about the past and nothing about todays event's (for the time being) then that is what I will be doing...not sure if it will be an online book or something i wll eventually get published. I am not going to sit back and let my name be destroyed...i will get back what I lost.

PLANNED.......Finally closure....

Now I have my closure....I just found out tonight after still ingering in anguish and pain from my loss of my family...and as much as i have tried to move on everyday i get the lashings across my chest of pain....untill tonight....I found out my best friend had heard from her and she had said it was the hardest decision she has ever made and does not want to know anything about my situation nor does she want to let him know...he seems to think it was plannned and planned for a while to...right down to setting him up that morning...I was getting very weak up untill now...losing grip of everything...because of only seeing my kids 3hrs a week, mind you I get them for 4hrs tomorrow :-) ...but it still weakens you...Knowing now what I know...now gives me the right and reason to not budge and stand my ground and push harder....this just proves it was done out of malice and hatred...now I know her true intention...and one intention only is to see me gone and out of her life forever, to the point where we will never ever cross paths or even get a glimps of each others face...and there shows no care for the fact my kids love me...and that will never change...Life has finally become clear, and my heart granted permission to let go...my soul to forget...time for the real healing to start...My eyes are open and i am ready...ready for the hardest challenge of my life...one that I will not fail or lose...because now i see how truly evil people can really be...and how they care nothing but themsleves...and lie to destroy another human being because of their unhappiness within them...Dregan, Kiara I will see you soon Daddy loves you :-) and soon we will be together again...I feel vindicated tonight...liberated...knowing now that this was planned...because now the pieces of the puzzle are almost complete to this painful lesson in life and love...but now i can safley say i never really new my ex...and the funny thing is, recently i have slowly started to forget what she looked like...and there is not one picture of her around...only of my kids...and if one turns up my heart would ache and i would have to put it away in the box of lost memories...don't get me wrong...I am not angry, vengeful, hateful or anything like...no no...not my thing...i am very happy now the spinning is stopping and knowing what the real game is...so i can play, and i am playing to win...wow...lol...i am really taken back in a way by what i am finding out...and knowing my step sister knew about this before hand as well...the players of the game are coming into play now...i just don't get it...why? There was no abuse..yes arguing...up's and downs...that is the last piece to the puzzle...so now thinking back to March 7th...her sitting on the couch looked up and said those famouse words.. "Why would I throw away 9 years worth of investment"...and "I have never been unloyal or unfaithful to you in 9 years, why start now?" ...those are key...because now i am thinking one of three things...one..my first instinct was right...and the whole co-worker thing was a set up to get the argument starting...because i was asked to thak him for ruining a "happy family" or that day when i went on google on the laptop she uses only Lavalife was in the serach field, and everyone knows it can only appear when you type it in...she denied it and anything of it...or three she was convinced it was the right thing to do by god nows who...but i am sure we will know in the end...well sorry for the long blab....i had to vent and noticed i haven't written in a long while...been doing alot, was trying to keep myself occupied so i didn't think...thinking kills ya...so anyway i am off to get ready for bed...and a new begining...i will probably write alot more now...about my nine year past...i figured i have to respect certain conditions so i figured talking about my past is not out of lines. Nite kids xoxoxo

By the way...spelling might suck...didn't do a spell check on this one lol

Funny isn't it....

I know...and I am not going to say it either, but at least I am trying. Well since I have returned to work not all that much has gone on...I kept my job...that's a bonus. I had to tell Carolyn I could no longer talk to her anymore...it killed me to do it, but by continuing to chat with her only fueled the pain...and it wasn't her, ,but just the thoughts and memories of the past and it made it very difficult to move on. I did have a roommate for a couple of months, Kristy...but 2 things that spoiled it, one...she did not pick up after herself at all...dishes..clothes, I mean you name it she didn't do it. Then it came down to when she met my brothers friend Shaun...they got together and he was here 90% of the time and near the end basically took over my house and I couldn't take it. They would not use discretion when it came to being intimate. So last Monday I asked her to leave. Might not have been the best decision I have made, but in retrospect it is...I have to leave this house...too many hurtful memories...good ones too. I have started to pack..3 BOXES!!!..lol....yeah right, not even the tip off the ice burg. Other then my personal life my kids are freaking awesome, but the signs of this are showing in them...Kiara is still mildly sick, and her teeth are all rotting. Dregan is starting to have issues with his temper and hurting Kiara...I guess it's a matter of time before people start to realize it's been her all along...but I guess that's what really has to happen? What I mean to say is, it's normal for society to make a false judgment until it's too late...it's common practice and I see it everyday...most but not all do. Other then that they are good...we have done some face painting, art, and I even have school stuff for them to do :-) She is not going to win...I pray everynight to pictures of my kids to ensure them that it is not over by a long shot...and they will have their daddy again no matter what. What is being done is heinous, spiteful, aggressive and showing no care or love or consideration for my kids...now all of the lies she has spouted are coming to light...The people at the center are starting to see it now over the past month...even to the effect that she said again she wants no more pictures taken of the kids cause I am posting them? LOL...so they asked her to bring in proof....she didn't...she had an excuse of something like she couldn't access it or print it...but she folded on her claims...I even found out from Kiara who in fact told the counselor the "Mommy grounded me for face painting"...I over heard that and asked the counselor what she had said, she repeated and I was in disbelief. One good thing, well yeah it is a good thing...but I was approached by someone from the national film board and want me to be in a documentary...I said yes 150% YES! But I guess the reason why I titled this entry the way I did was simple...Nov 2nd I go back to criminal court, they may drop it due to significant contradictions in her story...that's why if your going to lie, do not elaborate...cause your story will change, and we both laughed...because after I apparently beat her up and knocked her out, we had a smoke together...and I also found out because of what she wrote that my step sister has been involved since day one...and lied to me, my mother and her father...I know now I am not the one to blame anymore, and I am not crazy or violent...that I do know for a fact now. On another good note well sort of...I was given the opportunity to fly down to Tempe Arizona to submit and present a proposal to re-brand the SRT committee. I did one presentation over the phone for my initial proposal, and the next one will be via web broadcast in front of the whole senior management...That in itself is a full accomplishment. I turned down the offer to fly out..2 reasons, my kids and the fact I am chicken to fly. Other then that I am 95% back on my feet...there are still some wounds left to heal, ,but they are mending fast. All I do know my eyes are all on the Nov 2nd court case...once I get through that and my name cleared, I am going full force for FULL custody of my kids period, and will not rest or never stop until I do...and I am sure there are many people out there not wanting the real truth to be told...so I guess that's one reason why I have not blogged in a while...too many prying eyes, and every time I do...a cop knocks on the door or something bad happens to me. This will be the hardest fight ever in my life...but so help me god I will not lose...my kids are my life, with out my kids I have a huge void that I can not seem to close, no matter what I do. My kids are my life and taking them away is an evil and violent act towards them and myself and will not go without proper legal punishment. Regardless if what happens in January, even if I get weekends..I will continue the fight...then I will get joint...then again I will continue the fight until I get them home where they belong and where they want to be, because I have never ever seen my kids look so sad in my life and it does not even show that people care. I will not rest until they are home...enough said.

I know.....long time no write...

Well...I guess it has been sometime since I last wrote eh? Well a lot has gone on since and have not had much time. LOL...you may freak out on what has gone on since, I still am. To start off...well since there was construction holiday I missed seeing Dregan & Kiara for the 2 weeks which has been severely rough. Our last day we had a blast...I have some video that I will try and upload at a later time. As for work...LOL...well needless to say My first week back was good, did 10k 3 days in a row...but get this...first thing, I noticed that almost every Monday something happens...and it's always bad...So She came to get her stuff...it was a mixed emotional day...I called Kristy and Dan to come over as witnesses and I am glad I did, cause her lawyer was saying I was obstructing justice and was getting in the way...not true..I was in my office the whole time, and I got proof on that one. Then I had court and again "Postponed" until the 24th of October. So it has been pretty rough, but I have been coping. So let's see...she also took the car, the 2 kittens...bookcase...basically most of her stuff...she still has clothes (winter ones) left. She even took my modem from Bell that I am paying for...the cable box..movies that weren't hers...I mean the list goes on...then she tells her lawyer that I was not co-operating and was being aggressive...hence why I brought witnesses. I have so much more to write about what's been going on....but no time...Oh yeah...never guess who came over 2 days ago? Someone whom I have not seen in 9 years...and was chillin with him just before I met "Her". It's weird cause he said I have come full circle...and the person was Corey. I will for sure write more soon...you will be floored as too how I have been progressing and the event's that have happened to me to get me stronger.

Long time no write....

Yeah I know...it's becoming more and more less frequent that I am writing. I don't know why...well no..I do know why...I guess as much as it has helped me move on to some degree...I still don't understand...well I do know that my hurt is not over, and it will continue...but I just don't get why...none of it makes sense really...or does it? Could it be I am the only one in the dark about everything in order for her to protect herself? Either way if she is it will only prove to me that she lied, and has always lied to me...if she isn't trying to protect herself then she was pushed and persuaded...and I will never ever forgive those who altered her mind and destroyed a family. We weren't the brady bunch...no way...but we did have a bond...a click...But it's been hard not writing because I have not seen my kids in 2 weeks. This time it was the bus schedules..and then missing the train...first there was no bus apparenlty because of Canada Day...but how could the train run? Same transportation company...I cried for a bit then came home...it was a bad Canada Day for me. I did start back to work and it was nice to see people again. I booked about twleve hundred dollars first day back...even on a day where most of my clients would be out. Should be quiet though for the rest of the week. Anyway I should get to bed for a good night sleep for work. I'll catch up on some more news later...just wanted to give you a quick update.

Guess I was wrong...but right?

Ok this is nuts...Her Lawyer again is postponing the trial...It's obvious now it is out of fear, and out of the sheer fact they know she isn't ready to have an evaluation done on herself...because if she was it would have been done already. I made some calls and found out the file has never been given in to the psycho social experts. But after today I am going to try and get it set up for myself...I have nothing to hide or fear. Either way I am not worried anymore. Every single cent I make is going towards getting them back home. It may be shared custody in the end, but god willing they are living with me. I am ending this "Game" once and for all...my kids are suffering and so am I...all at the expense of you know who. But at least by me pushng for it, it makes me look better. It's funny though...cause when you say emergency you would think it's urgent right? Well explain this...we have been doing this since May 3rd...and it's still being postponed...is that a sense of urgency for you? I think not.

wow...it all comes down to this week....

Well it all comes down to this week I guess. I met with my lawyer and she is amazing. She listened and it felt good to tell the story and the truth of what happened. I met with her for about 2 1/2 hrs. I gave her everything she needs and then some. All I know is after meeting with her I have a better feel of what the outcome may be...but I could be wrong. I have quite a bit to back me up and alot more ammo if need be. I just don't want to play all my cards now. I know if this becomes a long battle in the end i will win...but it will take some time. Which at this point I have. And since I am going back to work and nothing else to work for but myself...I am focusing all my money and efforts on getting my babies back full time with me. I am not going to stop untill I win. they mean too much to me to just give up. Anyway I have things that need to be done today..Doctors...clean...and also get more stuff for my lawyer. So between now and next monday...wow I will be so freaking busy it won't be funny. Anyway I will for sure write more later, and I am sorry for not writting a whole lot as of late but alot has gone on, and I have been so super busy....not sure if it's a good thing? We shall see.

When it rains it pours...

This is just so unreal...I was told my meeting was between 12:30pm and 3:30pm today to see the kids...then I find out she already showed up and is on her way back to where she is staying. I a mbreaking...I have nothing left...if nothing good comes out of Tuesdays court date then I am giving up. Not on my kids but myself. This has nothing to do about the love I have for my children at all...I would die for either of them in a heartbeat, no question about that...why owuldI give up on myself? Well I stunbled on more pictures of us and the happy times we had...I even found a picture of her and I when i graduated from EPOC...Everyone now is telling me I should start to hate her for her being so spiteful...but as much as I try the more I hurt...God if there was an angel up there listening...please change time...go back to march for me...Dregan's b-day prefferably...with the knowledge of whatI know now...so I can change the future...make things right and better for everyone...I have no fight left...but I always say that...so why is it that I find the one little ounce of energy to fight...God please help.

Good News???

Ok this is where I just don't get it...I called my lawyer to ask a few questions and she has not been in...but this guy answered and said he reconized me from last Thursday when I called. He said she was working hard on my case and that she spoke to the judge and apparently she has really good news? God...like I said to jess and everyone...once this is all said and done and if I do win, I will be so much stronger then her going forward...I have taken a 3 month beating...everything and anything you can imagine has happened to me...I am very confused right now...sort of...so I am trying to let it digest...and not trying to to get my hopes up to high...cause it smells the same...what I mean is that I have had things said like this before but ends up not being what I think....but maybe...just maybe there is a God...and my own special angel listening, watching and seeing my heart and words are true...and just maybe my wish has and will be answered? I can only just continue to pray...CAUSE I AM A GOOD FATHER...and there is no one on this planet who will ever tell me different...except for my 2 precious babies...Dregan & Kiara....and to this date...Daddy is the BEST!