6 Days...

Six days till I go back to court...again to be pushed, bet you 20$...but i am surprised this time...well knock on wood...but usually i got overly stressed about court, but this time for some reason i don't feel that...i even thought i was trying to hide it or from it, but im not. My feelings have been weird...things that have been happening have been weird...not in a bad way though just...i guess uuughhh therei go again with my mental block...why can't i write like i used to? My thougts are so clear but so many of them and can't organize them...I'll come back when i can...all i know is for some reason i am feeling things will be ok...for the first time i feel that...i dont know why though...maybe becaue the dreams have subsided for now? I don't know...anyway i have to figure out how i am gonna see my babies saturday...i am just happy i got the job i wanted...so now i should be able to start to afford it...Thank you god.

Sorry...

I just wanted to say i'm sorry for not getting into details in my last post...but it's how it goes and how i get when it get's closer to court time...so many thoughts and emotions it's unreal.

Too much...just way too much.

Do we really have that bond within us? that undying connection between two people? I did and have done everything people have told me do to move on...believe me to ease the pain and to lose the pain i have tried everything...even begged to god to take it away. It was working being able to help others, but even that could not take the pain away...only masked it. One of the reasons why i haven't blogged on here was because of Blogtv....but as much as I love BlogTV, and I do...i can get my words out easier on here and be able to ball like i am now and not have to have people look at my pain all the time...It would kinda defeat the purpose don't you think? And yes i know...I have to be happy with myself before making others happy, and I agree...and it's not that I'm not happy with myself...but i am so angry and unhappy how everything went...it was wrong. Please don't get me wrong I respect her wishes and will do nothing to jeopardize that...but I am allowed as a human being to have the feelings i have. I do wish that I wold wake up from this nightmare...omg do i ever....because like I've told people we become what we experience in life...every comment, look, thought..argument, failure...even the good things that happen to us....and i know i have changed a lot over the year...even with me getting a new job, and the friends I've made...home isn't home anymore...no matter how i rebuild...I miss it...i do, and it's bad because most of our issues were issues that could have been solved...but because there was so much B.S. that covered what was good, it just seemed too be to much. One step forward and 2 steps back eh?....I even thought of staying single...and also getting an op done...i mean that's if she has to get hers...I heard she was getting sick, but I heard that from the center...and i knew exactly why without them telling me...and well...that's how deep i care...it's fucking scary. I knew i cared but this much...anyway it's getting hard to type with the tears. I just wish I could type more because of all the things that have gone on....so much has...i have come so far but still feel like this is Day one...why? does anyone have the answer?

Weekend?!

Well...now i get it, and understand why now...I found out Friday that with in the rules for seeing Dregan & Kiara if i miss 3 consecutive visits they close the file and well...that's it. The sent knows it's completely out of my power...it just costs to much. It's been the one thing that has been hurting me bad...and on top of that well i didn't see them again because they had their play to practise for...so it's pushed for this Friday 4:30 to 6:30 which kinda sucks but at least i get to see them....soooo much i want to do, 2 hrs is not a long time. So much has gone on, I'm still trying to process it in my head...soon i hope i can put things together and write it out. Anyway I have a big day tomorrow....just wanted to write quick about the kids....all i can say is i miss them to death.

Wow...i say that alot these days....

I'm sorry...I can't remember the last time i posted...I found another site which i figured would help since as much as I loved to type and let things out...I figured I would video blog it...seemed really kewl, and well I wanted my babies to see their Daddy trying...well more then trying...I haven't been able to see them now for almost a month, and it's not a lack of trying...Just can't afford it anymore, and it's not my life style I'm leading either...I'm just tapped out...and I have wicked dreams at night of Kiara & Dregans faces and the look of disappointment. God it's so hard, but i am trying with every ounce of hope and energy left in my soul...and i thought my life before was hard. I do have to admit the video Blogging has been a useful tool to help me move on and help to act as a distraction, but i don't think people will really get how much pain flows through my blood and soul...some say to seek help...but why deny the fact we all feel and hurt...and until I get my babies back i won't ever be fully healed...an open wound never healing, even over time. But i have met some really genuinely nice people on that site, and it has at least given me closure on myself, and the fact what she has always said about me was not true, and that i am a nice guy...so at least i have that closure...and I guess it makes me feel good to be able to be someones shoulder, no one should ever go through the pain i went or am going through...the good thing is i am hiding it better then i have been before. Today was the hardest though and still is...i can't stop crying at all...i miss them so much...i miss my princess Kiara and my Dre Dre...and i can just see the looks on their faces as they are told they won't be seeing my again..why?!? Can someone give me a real answer why we have to hurt...and please no stupid answers like we have to...we don't have to people I'm sorry...we are just to lazy and ignorant to put any effort in...and honestly too selfish...it's always what "we" want...and don't realize that we are all human and we all hurt...no matter color, or creed...we are all the same and we a re all born good...anyway just wanted to pop by and let you know sort of whats' going on....i just can't type anymore...i need this cry for my kids...i owe it to them.

Fitting...

Yeah

I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right
now

But hey, what daddy always tell you?

Straighten up little soldier

Stiffen up that upper lip

What you crying about?

You got me

Kids, I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad

Well I'm gone but I'm trying to give you the life that I never
had

I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you
laugh

I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry

Cuz you're scared, I ain't there

Daddy's with you in your prayers

No more crying, wipe them tears

Daddy's here, no more nightmares

We gon' pull together through it, we gon' do it

Kids, daddy's crazy, aint he?

Yeah and he loves you both and you better know it

We're all we got in this world

When it spins, when it swirls

When it whirls, when it twirls

Two little beautiful girls

Lookin' puzzled, in a daze

I know it's confusing you

Daddy's always on the move, mamma's always on the news

I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems

The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me

All the things growing up his daddy that he had to see

Daddy don't want you to see but you see just as much as he
did

We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me

But things have gotten so bad between us

I don't see us ever being together ever again

Like we used to be when we was teenagers

But then of course everything always happens for a reason

I guess it was never meant to be

But it's just something we have no control over and that's what
destiny is

But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep

Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream


Now hush little babies, don't you cry

Everything's gonna be alright

Stiffen that upper lip up little,

I told ya Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know daddy's not here right now and we don't know why

We feel how we feel inside

It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby

But I promise momma's gon' be alright

It's funny

I remember back one year when daddy had no money

Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up

And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from
me

Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em

I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night
crying

Cuz daddy felt like a bum, see daddy had a job

But his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom

And at the time every house that we lived in

Either kept getting broken into and robbed

Or shot up on the block

And your mom was saving money for you in a jar

Tryna start a piggy bank for you so you could go to college

Almost had a thousand dollars till someone broke in and stole
it

And I know it hurt so bad it broke your momma's heart

And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart

Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back

On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment

And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara

And that's when daddy went to California with his CD and met Dr.
Dre

And flew you and momma out to see me

But daddy had to work, you and momma had to leave me

Then you started seeing daddy on the T.V. and momma didn't like
it

And you and Dre were to young to understand it

Papa was a rollin' stone, momma developed a habit

And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it

I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it first
hand

Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud

Now I'm sittin in this empty house, just reminiscing

Lookin' at  your baby pictures, it just trips me out

To see how much you both have grown, it's almost like you're
big kids now

Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here

I like the sound of that, yeah

It's got a ring to it don't it?

Shh, daddy's only gone for the moment

And if you ask me too

Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird

I'mma give you the world

I'mma buy a diamond ring for you

I'mma sing for you

I'll do anything for you to see you smile

And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine

I'mma break that birdie's neck

I'd go back to the jewler who sold it to ya

And make him eat every carat don't fuck with dad (haha)

What to say...

I don't know what to say...I don't get to see my child on his B-day...well b-day weekend, as he apparently went to cubs get-a-way weekend...so i was supposed to have Kiara, and well just like i predicted..(again)..she never showed...they had the flu...i don't buy it for a second this time. It was the nicest day out today, and i know it was done out of spite. I had all these thoughts circling in my head before I started to post this...now I am drawing a blank...not sure why though...All I know is because of no closure i notice i still have my guard way up and well have no trust in anoyone...it's not fair. One thing is i was right about one thing, where my strength comes from and that is my friends. The more i have made the stronger i've felt...and even at times being the center of attention like i used to be and put smiles on everyones face...life is too short. I just wish there was this peverbial angel out there....oh yeah and when i was at the center because i said it's also 5 days till the one year of our separation i was scolded...I AM NOT CELEBRATING IT!!!...fuck why would I celebrate something i never wanted to end? It's just hard to believe it's been a year. Anyway im gonna go for now and try to sort my thoughts and come back.

Closure from a 5 year old...and another eventful saturday

What I have is a curse and nothing more...I knew going today was going to bring another blow. LikeI told Meghan, my Mom and others...February 2nd was the starting of something. I really have so much to write, but right now i am still in shock and it's funny, I was right about one thing i've notcied...there are key things people have said along the way like "Heart Cancer" which is what i'm feeling now...I get my 5 year old daughter telling me after a tickle fight with her and Dregan she goes to me "That's how our new daddy plays with us"...needless to say the heart is now on it's way to turning to stone. I am still in shock, hurt...haven't cried yet but feel the tears there so that's why i don't want to write to much...not the right time. Anyway yeah, so there ya have it...my closure.....from a 5 year old. I just want to say thank you.

Heart Cancer says it best...

Well another holiday spent alone...and since Saturday my mind has been in a flurry of thoughts, and emotions. There is one comment someone told me and has stuck in my head...and it's the feeling of when i lost my family to even today...but even though i never had Heart Cancer, I think that definition fits. I guess I am not over any of it at all...Today felt like the first day all over again. I really don't know how much more I can take or how much longer I will last. I sit there and see no matter what I do I am looked at as a criminal, or whatever people think...and no one at all seems to care I am the martyr in all of this and the true people who've done the real damage and the real crime will walk away with no repercussions at all...and people expect me to be happy? I should just say thank you and smile? Ask yourself that question...if you were crucified for almost a year, and have lies told about you to the point where it cripples your life...and when it all dies down would you really turn your other cheek smile and say it's ok? I've slept and cried all day...even now my tears a rolling down my face. A lot of people are proud of me, and a lot are scared...but some apparently see me in admiration for even being able to function this long...like they've said most don't. I have read the statistics for the province of Quebec on this and even i am surprised...Please god, you taught me patience and taught it well...please grant me the strength to push forward...or heal the deep wounds that are not healing...I beg of you now. I really thought my heart was strong, and I thought I had moved on...I guess i was wrong and I guess I was fooling myself.

...Famous words...I don't forgive, and I don't forget...

i just don't get it...seriously...i mean i do but i don't. Today had ot have been..and i mean Saturday with the kids. But i had to have been the most catch me off guard type of days...funny though...i mentioned that something would happen at the center and it did...i always know when they want to talk to me because all of them hover, but not in a bad way, more like a caring circle. I was taken out and was told that you know who wants me to have unsupervised visits...i was gonna suggest sitting down, but this is to major to even be poking fun of the situation...and i have litterally sat here on and off trying to really come to terms with it...in fact i've been like that all day. Everyone i've told is in shock...litterally. no one really knows what to tell me, except they say "well that's a good thing" and I should be happy...true very true and omg when I was taken out during my visit with the kids...and i just thought of that...why do that? why not wait till the end? anyway I kinda had to sit down because i honestly felt like i was gonna pass out and be sick all at the same time...i am still trying to digest this...all i know is on e of the biggest words that i have heard over and over and also something i've learned...Patience...it's funny cause it's true...I mean i finally figured out she stayed at Tamara's house on the 8th...that's why all the papers say she left me March 9th...everyone is showing their cards now, and all the players are coming forward, and lies being uncovered...it was hard going back in after i was told that...and as usual i went to wash my face because of the tears....it's funny i cry everytime i leave there...especially when the kids tell me in front of people they want to come home with me...i'm still confused though...i mean why now?...is it because i left Insight?...i mean i was asked over and over again if i knew where she lived...i have no idea now what to expect or what to think...yes i am very grateful and happy...but what about the time she said i was gonna kidnap them when i took them to the park with a councelor? or even x-mas for that matter...showed no regards to me or anything and pulled them out like what an hour and a half earlier? Even to not letting me do homework with Dregan, and it does get documented that she neglects it. So what now? this has to be like the hardest day in a very long time. I took the time when i got home to really look over her petition for custody...and to be honest it made me sick to think someone would have the odasity to write something like that to defame someone or even to the extent of ruining their lives....and it did for me. As much as my head is on straight, i am not the same as i used to be...i can see that now...but why?! Why now with all of this?...Like she's always said "I don't forgive and I don't forget".