Closure from a 5 year old...and another eventful saturday

What I have is a curse and nothing more...I knew going today was going to bring another blow. LikeI told Meghan, my Mom and others...February 2nd was the starting of something. I really have so much to write, but right now i am still in shock and it's funny, I was right about one thing i've notcied...there are key things people have said along the way like "Heart Cancer" which is what i'm feeling now...I get my 5 year old daughter telling me after a tickle fight with her and Dregan she goes to me "That's how our new daddy plays with us"...needless to say the heart is now on it's way to turning to stone. I am still in shock, hurt...haven't cried yet but feel the tears there so that's why i don't want to write to much...not the right time. Anyway yeah, so there ya have it...my closure.....from a 5 year old. I just want to say thank you.

Heart Cancer says it best...

Well another holiday spent alone...and since Saturday my mind has been in a flurry of thoughts, and emotions. There is one comment someone told me and has stuck in my head...and it's the feeling of when i lost my family to even today...but even though i never had Heart Cancer, I think that definition fits. I guess I am not over any of it at all...Today felt like the first day all over again. I really don't know how much more I can take or how much longer I will last. I sit there and see no matter what I do I am looked at as a criminal, or whatever people think...and no one at all seems to care I am the martyr in all of this and the true people who've done the real damage and the real crime will walk away with no repercussions at all...and people expect me to be happy? I should just say thank you and smile? Ask yourself that question...if you were crucified for almost a year, and have lies told about you to the point where it cripples your life...and when it all dies down would you really turn your other cheek smile and say it's ok? I've slept and cried all day...even now my tears a rolling down my face. A lot of people are proud of me, and a lot are scared...but some apparently see me in admiration for even being able to function this long...like they've said most don't. I have read the statistics for the province of Quebec on this and even i am surprised...Please god, you taught me patience and taught it well...please grant me the strength to push forward...or heal the deep wounds that are not healing...I beg of you now. I really thought my heart was strong, and I thought I had moved on...I guess i was wrong and I guess I was fooling myself.

...Famous words...I don't forgive, and I don't forget...

i just don't get it...seriously...i mean i do but i don't. Today had ot have been..and i mean Saturday with the kids. But i had to have been the most catch me off guard type of days...funny though...i mentioned that something would happen at the center and it did...i always know when they want to talk to me because all of them hover, but not in a bad way, more like a caring circle. I was taken out and was told that you know who wants me to have unsupervised visits...i was gonna suggest sitting down, but this is to major to even be poking fun of the situation...and i have litterally sat here on and off trying to really come to terms with it...in fact i've been like that all day. Everyone i've told is in shock...litterally. no one really knows what to tell me, except they say "well that's a good thing" and I should be happy...true very true and omg when I was taken out during my visit with the kids...and i just thought of that...why do that? why not wait till the end? anyway I kinda had to sit down because i honestly felt like i was gonna pass out and be sick all at the same time...i am still trying to digest this...all i know is on e of the biggest words that i have heard over and over and also something i've learned...Patience...it's funny cause it's true...I mean i finally figured out she stayed at Tamara's house on the 8th...that's why all the papers say she left me March 9th...everyone is showing their cards now, and all the players are coming forward, and lies being uncovered...it was hard going back in after i was told that...and as usual i went to wash my face because of the tears....it's funny i cry everytime i leave there...especially when the kids tell me in front of people they want to come home with me...i'm still confused though...i mean why now?...is it because i left Insight?...i mean i was asked over and over again if i knew where she lived...i have no idea now what to expect or what to think...yes i am very grateful and happy...but what about the time she said i was gonna kidnap them when i took them to the park with a councelor? or even x-mas for that matter...showed no regards to me or anything and pulled them out like what an hour and a half earlier? Even to not letting me do homework with Dregan, and it does get documented that she neglects it. So what now? this has to be like the hardest day in a very long time. I took the time when i got home to really look over her petition for custody...and to be honest it made me sick to think someone would have the odasity to write something like that to defame someone or even to the extent of ruining their lives....and it did for me. As much as my head is on straight, i am not the same as i used to be...i can see that now...but why?! Why now with all of this?...Like she's always said "I don't forgive and I don't forget".

A lot of Insight...

Another small gap between posts...I can safley say though most of january went smooth until near the end...begining of January i was put on a final plan for work...but a lot of people there were on plans. I knwo why too, and it's a way the business deals with layoffs...instead of doing a massive one and alarm share holders, they do it in a subtle sense. They are doing this because of a company aquisition, software spectrum. That company had the first wave of their own cuts, then came Insight. It sucks, because i was talking to my mom tonight and was saying before my break up with her i was at the peak of my career, and well the break up took care of it happening. I didn't have my bounce for a while and wasn't hitting budget like i normally did...and it was because of distractions...and yes even though i've tried to move on it's been hard because there is always a constant reminder...because of one mans actions the started the ball...but then I wonder if that ball actually started before then...like i've said since i've been posting the truth will finally come out, and it will...and i don't think i've ever put myself in a light of perfection...i wasn't perfect because nobody is, and I think we all know that. I guess since november small things have come out...truths that counter act all her claims, and certain people emailing me out of the blue...or even calling and asking for her...yeah i don't remember if i posted this, but a neighbour called that i guess we haven't spoken to since we moved to the house, well they called asking for her and i had to tell them we separated...it hurt to have to give the censored shorten version of what happened...i guess i pretty much said things just didn't work out...i didn't feel like getting into any mud slinging because it would hurt too much having to go over it again...and i was litterally on the phone for like 30 seconds, short call...and awkward, and it was probably my fault to...sound of my voice. Anyway i have completely run off track, work..that's what i was talking about...so yeah, final plan...it was funny, because January like i said started off with a smash, and i mean on a very high note. I had the momentum again at work, and was on the right track...the metrics were pretty high, but honeslty, half was easy to achieve and the other half...well...lets just say not impossible, but you pretty much have to sell the farm in most cases...but...i had momentum and steam, like i had before the break up...i was hittting the metrics, nut it's funny this is where it really made me lose hope...and again it also felt as if i was set up from the get go again...and by the way you and gonna hear the phrase again later...I'm not sure if i posted this either...lol...i should re read my stuff... :-P but i was taken to HR again and this time it was a new HR rep...and my manager Vanessa Hearn...basically said if i missed one more day of work i was fired...that's a little harsh...so i said ok and signed their paper and went about my day...that didn't realy bother me because i was finally starting to see some sort of real light this time...even though the child support money and how much i have to pay to see my kids is nuts, and to be honest...kinda unfair...and leaves me with pretty much rent money..a little left over for odds and ends...and me getting closer to budget was the light. I would be able to breath again. Anyway a week ago Tuesday early in the morning i felt really sick, and all i thought was here we go...i called in early to work so my boss could get the message and i could get to a clinic in time, and i also forgot she needed to helppush out an order that was gonna hit my month, but i called twice, she never returned my calls, I even got a rep to ask her to call me...she never did. So i wasted my time trying to make sure she got the proper instructions on the order and what to look out for, since i was the only guy on the team with no back up she watched my stuff. So i missed the window at the clinic here for the note, and i wasted bus tickets to go to stat care to find out it costs $ for a Dr's note. So that was a waste of time...i didn't have the money. So the next morning i wrote her an email cause i knew i was gonna get fired, or so i thought...i knew it was rather harsh, so i called thier bluff...i wanted to see and prove that they weren't and they knew they couldn't do it...so when i got into work i emailed Vanessa and told her that i didn;t have a note, and couldn't afford it, and would clean out my desk and be out at the end of the day since that was a written in binding...or so i thought, but they right away pretty much they took it back and said it was harsh and they would just call the clinic to make sure i went there...so i ask you this...why is it so important for them to make sure i actually went to the clinic, and seriously people...if you were truly sick, and i mean stomach flu type...and you seriously gonna tell me you should go to a clinic? Wouldn't staying in bed be a better idea? when you know the Dr. is gonna say your sick...so whatever, i called thier bluff...the next day though is when the last part of my old life became a thing of the past...i was chatting with Meghan on MSN and she said Paul poped on, and i said it's funny cause i can't see him...wow even now thinking about what i heard adds another scar to my deeply wounded heart...i know may osund cheesy people, but it did hurt...she asked him why and he had replied he was done with me a long time ago...i was crushed...it smelled of "Her"...that phrase i picture her saying that, but to him...The reason why i say that is because certain people will pick up certain traits about people...like a certain saying or jesture that gets thier attention...and well Paul has always been the type to tried to be cool or fit in...infact he tried too hard, but right after that was said i don't know what meghan and him were talking about, but he said he had coffee with her at tim hortons...so from that, and what he told meghan that night he showed up when he said that he felt it was set up for a long time, but i'm sure she swayed him to not associate with me anymore...and well Paul is the type to follow a girl if she gives him attention. I cried actually when i read that...i went outside for a smoke and cried...i'm glad no one was around...but the pain was like losing another loved one...and it was, my best friend of 15 years...gone, and she did the job. Don't get me wrong i am not paranoid...because i know the lies will be uncoverd and all of the claims will be false, thats why i sit there and question why this has to be like this when it's hurting the kids more then anyone and affecting them.
Anyway i wiped away the tears and finished my smoke an went back in...then to top it all off i then found out my order would not invoice for the month, which ment i would not hit the minimum revenu i needed to be at, but had i have gotten it i would have been at the cusp of hitting budget...and even some of the hardest metrics i was able to not achieve but show impressive results...so i hit the goals on the final plan and should have technically went down to a written which is a step back...it's a good thing...but i said i can't, it would just continue with the lies...it's funny i was told in HR that it was against company policy for them to have switched me teams because of structure on territory alignment...but i found out a girl on my team did just that...LOL...no one can keep a lie straight these days. Anyway i sat at my desk, then got up...went to HR and said i'm done...my director came down and talked with me and the HR rep...asking if it's what i really wanted to do...I said there were to many memories, bad ones that even though i would have gotten back to where i was, it was too much on my soul, heart, and honestly the game would continue and im sorry trying to get my kids back is not a game, and playng with my job is playing with my life and affects it, and in turn makes it harder for me to bring them home. So the next day i went in, and sign the papers...they were very generous though, not sure out of sympathy or out of fear of me knowing what they were doing was wrong..oh i forgot to mention th epart where my month performance and was pretty much said that even though i hit the metrics requested they hinted at it might not have matterd...well why set out something like that...an improvment plan, to go against it....oh yeah right they did before too about me being sick...you see a pattern? so they gave me 4 weeks and 4% plus 6%...My director walked me out and talked with me, and said i should add myself to that class action lawsuit that is pending against her lawyer, and to try and seek damages because even he said she destroyed a good reps career, and he then told me to use him as a reference. I found out after we said goodbye i was saying goodbye to the recptionist, and she said she has never seen my director talk to anyone like that since she's been there the way he did...i was shocked...but mind you so was he, because he said he never met anyone who has gone through and still going through be able to fucntion the way i did and at that caliber for that long...it was 2 reasons...Dregan & Kiara...that's what drove me...don't get me wrong, i didn't do this to let them down...I did this to eliminate any negative distraction in my life and the painful ones...it was hard leaving...don't say i didn't shead a tear cause i did...so that's how february started and let me tell you...even though it's started off rockey it's gonna pan out...im not worried about a job, because i already have one lined up...more pay. Anyway i looked at the time and it's super late...and well didn't realize i have typed so much....i guess i was in a writting mood, and i have so much more to tell too...but i am gonna save it for another night...i should crash i have things to take care of tomorrow...and btw if the spelling sucks i will be doing a spell check tomorrow. nite nite

Short one...

Ok well something happened on MSN tonight because you know who popped on...oh wait she doesn't chat online...oh yeah d'uh...LOL...anyway yeah she came on and have no idea how or why...I had blocked her and deleted her from my contacts a loooooong time ago. I figured the less i see to remind me the better...i mean that's what she wants...so anyway I block/deleted her again fast...then since she popped up it got me curious...then almost outta the sheer blue i found this link which i also saved the page:

http://www.journalism.ubc.ca/

Freaky thing is...that article proves some of my innocence...how? well it shows either she lies to the general public on health issues, or to the courts and messing up 2 innocent kids heads...either way it's gold for me and for my kids...She claims i never let her worked in her life...well in a statement that she made says:

Depo-Provera’s side effects plagued Tina Cross; her symptoms were so bad she eventually had to quit her job.

“If it were not for the side effects of the Depo perhaps I could cope better, perhaps life would never have become so unhappy and unhopeful,” Cross said.

You decide....am I really the beast? or am I the victim?

Remember when I said....

Not sure if I ever blogged those exact words but...Remember when I said I came full circle in my life? Well I think I did. It's been nearly 2 weeks now since I found out from one of my clients that I'm still eligible for the United States Marine Corps. I didn't believe it at first so I made a call to Staff Sargent Mendola who then put my in contact with Sargent Halford. They were the coolest people to talk to and very helpful. I asked some questions and they acknowledged the fact the new cut off age limit is 34. And I know what alllllllll of you are thinking and probably have thought since you heard me start talking about the Marines.....what about my kids? right? I know....and believe me they are and will always be the focal point of my decision. I think this is the first time i have to make a life changing decision on my own...i mean not being able to discuss with a partner. But part of my thinking is this...no matter how hard I fight the system is on her side...even though i have written proof this was all set up. So I am going to ask you something...provided I am right about my statement...Do you think it's fair for someone to lie to get out of a relationship...destroy not only one persons but a whole family and traumatise their kids, and use the ex-spouse as a stepping stone to get herself in a comfortable life setting, while they become poor...and work just so they can pay the support for their kids and leave them to not be able to do anything with themselves in life? and leave them with virtually nothing? No I know it's wrong and I'm sure you do to....well that's me. As much as it hasn't broken my spirits...I am in a position now where I can live out my childhood dream and become a United States Marine Corps Soldier. And I am not going in as just infantry, I am going in (if I decide) to become an officer...further my education. But it's not the only reason why I am and want to do this, I am also doing this to open doorways for my children...so they can have all the opportunity in the world for when they get older...and it is also a sacrifice...because I will have to give up the fight for my kids (for the time being) and won't be seeing my kids for a long time...well minimum 15 weeks...You might think I'm selfish, but only seeing my kids 3hrs on Saturday...and well getting to the point where i simple can't afford going to see them...and get this...on top of what I pay for support I pay an extra $80 a week to see my kids...I don't care what anyone says I never ever payed $80 in one day when we were all a family...and we sure as hell never had to pay $650 a month on them...so I ask you...if i can't afford to see my kids what do I do? Sit there and look like a dead beat father to which I'm not? No way...I'm willing to sacrifice my body and soul for my kids to join the Marines...and I think that is and has to be the most ultimate sacrifice and human can make for their child...especially if it means opening doors for them so they can have a better future. Honestly this isn't gonna happen till probably this summer...there is a lot to consider and a lot of thought to put into it..it's a huge commitment and a hard life changing decision.

Day 2...

Well second day into the new year and well, I can't say it hasn't been good. It has...and I can't say i don't feel different cause I do. I dunno what happened (knock on wood) but things are starting now to look up. I know though i need some sort of shield...lol...k it sounded dumb but i need to ensure that my healing does not get swayed...because gaining the momentum in the beginning can be a little hard...and if it got affected then it will for sure take me longer to heal...but if i can find a way to keep myself shielded from her and the drama and the bullshit that i am being constantly being put through...then i have a better chance then i ever did. I'm starting to become happy...my phone is ringing again...my inbox is becoming full again...I'm coming back :-) Just didn't think it would have taken so long and well didn't think it would have been this way. Anyway day is almost done at work....so I'm gonna get ready to head out soon.

First one of the new year....

I've been sitting here thinking of some of the things i want to change within me...one is to stop being scared of what other people think of me...I also noticed a pattern in myself...a defense mechanism...when a traumatic event happens against me I go into a shell, which I did for most of all of this...pushing people away...not wanting to go out...being scared to bump into "Her"...i don't ever want to see her again...as much as I am extremley sad to not have been with my family on New Years...seeing her again would kill me...that's why this year strength is what I have to focus on... as well as shedding skin that is not needed anymore...When i meet new people as much as I try and be myself we all put on a mask in the begining to protect ourselves...some masks are smaller then others but all do the same thing...this is where I have to overcome my fear...lose the fear...I did it before when I moved to Dorval...I came outta my shell, and when I did I was at the top...waiting to move to the next level...and I did...and I almost got to where I was about to be "Something"...and it was taken away from me, and I live it everyday...you can't turn back time...but you certainly can take what was destroyed....use some of what's left and make it stronger...not completley rebuild...because obviously the foundation has withstood the test of time...and once built, it will be bigger, stronger and better then it was...I am moving to the next level...maybe that guy who posted a comment in the begining was right...maybe the gift is coming soon...the one beyond the problem...who knows...but I do know this is my enterance to the next level in life, and I have a whole lot to offer....and I sit back and think...that's pretty scary...because I never saw that in myself before. I really wonder...I really wonder who will come out on top...and I wonder if Dad's advice and wisdom are true...if so...well the I guess that's a good reason why Dad's are important. Anyway I'm out...wanted to throw that in since i am soooo bored...lol...but it's all good. ;-)

2006 comes to an end...as 2007 comes in...

Well I should have celebrated last post...it was my 100th..not that it matters. So here i am..New Years Eve...by myself. Feels really odd and strange...and lonley. But it's for the better, I need the solitude to think, grow, learn. 2007 for me will be monumental, so I have to be ready. I have to be ready emotionally, physically & mentally. I am finally in my new place and 80% unpacked...LOL..bedroom is storage for now...I should have moved in June, but I listened to Mark when he said it was a good idea to keep the house...so that gave me the impression things were gonna pan out with you know who and I...and also it was pride...i wanted to show i could manage a house on my own...and had i not gone through the emotional and mental turmoil I was put through I could have done it. I have done a lot of thinking of where i'm going...and this past year has helped me see and taught me a lot about life, love and happiness....it has also taught me and shown me hatred, destruction, and sadness....I hate the feeling...but all of it has turned part of me to stone...part of my heart that will never beat again. But now feeling a big weight off my shoulders from moving has helped...i've been healing faster then I thought. Don't get me wrong....i occasionally get those dreams I used to get in the beginning...and still feel the whip across my chest...but no more fear...I got to where I am in life all by myself...so I can do it...now the question is how far do I want to take myself? I will settle for nothing less then all the way. So 2007 no mistakes...8 mins till...I will continue the fight for my kids...and will have a grip like a bulldog to never give up the fight for them....I miss them sooooo much it's not funny. My place is plasterd with nothing but pics of me and the kids...Ugghhh, I wish I had time to really get into what i've done, thought of....but 6 mins to midnight...I want this posted at 11:59pm...So anyway, I will get back to basics...do what I know and work from there. I know once I get momentum it won't stop...it's just getting the momentum...I've had it before but been to scared to take the ride. I'm not scared anymore...I'm ready to take that ride. So when you look back at this next year...provided your still blogging..let's see where you are. Anyway 3 mins till 2007...and as much as I am happy...i have a few tears rolling down my face...as i do wish things were back to the way they were...I do miss her...I know i'm sick...lol....Happy New Year

Day after the most lonely day...

Yup...x-mas...by myself, for the first time. I tried sleeping through it. I saw my babies on Saturday and won't see them for 2 weeks again because the center is closed down. The kids got me 3 gifts...one of which I will cherrish dearly. The others were nice gifts, but I know their mother picked it out for them. We had a good time but the visit was cut short by 1/2 hr...I cried on my way home because i knew it was the last time i would see them till next year. From the time i got home till today I didn't pick up the phone...didn't do very much. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, but life truly does not even feel right...I mean we didn't even have a white x-mas...no snow!!! A lot went on this december...to much then i care to go through again. Tamara writting me...Carolyn writting me last week..I don't know who I am anymore...I feel like everythign i worked for in life wasn't worth it...and being alone on x-mas helped me think a little...while i was awake...but didn't come to any conclusion...just more hurting and scaring. I don't feel I am worth it...I feel I will be utterly alone for the rest of my life...the lies that are being spread about me continue...Do the good people really finish last? Was this in my cards all along? Do I have another purpose in life that I don't see yet? All I know is I remain a faithful person...I have tried to date...talk, chat with other girls but can't. I feel dirty and wrong for doing so...WHY!?!?!?! I WANT TO KNOW!!!! If things are over... "Final" as the decision was stated...why am i so scared and scarred to do anything? Was this how it was supposed to play out? All I know is this...people can hide behind thier lies for so long, before one person slips and says things they weren't supposed to let out...or under the sheer pressure of the walls closing in can make a person buckle. It has started...and with Tamara's email..and other stuff I was told is going to help me in the end...but for now I must take the continual abuse...and when i say continual i mean it...it's an everyday thing. It's not something you can avoid, especially when you have 2 kids who you have had a routine of hearing them wake up, watching them play...laugh, cry...I don't have that anymore. Where is that gift beyond the problem? because I don't see it.