Funny thing I forgot....

I forgot to mention the fact that because of the good that "Did" happen last night almost prompted me to write a letter...When everything came to light i realized one thing i was doing wrong...well not wrong but hindering me from moving forward. I had a wall i had built up and was a wall i would not let any other woman in. I had no idea i was doing it until like i said everything fell into place. So when i got home and after the two calls i had one with Joelle and the other with Walaa, I almost wrote a letter to you know who...but not directly to her or communicate but more of a letter of letting go...for me and to pretty much say my part of how hard it will be to be with someone else...yes i know i am divorced and going through child custody dispute...but I have met a lot of women and it's funny none of them really had qualities (AND NO NOT LIKE HERS) but i mean someone who can be a good mother, friend, wife...most girls I've met really don't seem to have a clue and are more interested in many men as opposed to settling for one...that's not my thing. So now I am not sure what to do...I know i can write something like that on paper and put it away...but my blog here is supposed to be private for my eyes only...so my fear is if i do she will again try and have me arrested and thrown in jail for trying to communicate with her. So still debating....anyway, i have to figure out what i should do for after work. Got's to go.

Like I know anymore....Should I even try and figure it out?

Yesterday was a weird day...some good mixed with some bad. A co-worker's friend passed away and it crushed her. Seeing her cry was rather heart breaking which was the bad part of the day. But the part where it got strange was a lot of things i have questioned about myself came to light and i got answers...well so i thought until what 15 mins ago...Part of me just doesn't understand anymore...I don't get how people say one thing and do another...am i wrong to not be like the rest? Is it wrong to say what i mean and mean what i say? It's almost as if life is showing me things in the end will be ok but i have to go through hell and back in order to learn and grow...but this is what almost 2 years now? I am not gonna let it get to me today not this time. Anyway i am out for now, at work trying to finish the day...Fuck em' if they can't take a joke....

The Day Before X-Mas

Well Saturday was a hard day but the kids and I had a lot of fun. They loved their gifts :-) I got Kiara a Care Bear (25th Anniversary Bear) which was white and had a big heart in the middle. I also got her Bratz doll. Dregan i got the Transformers Blaster that changes from a truck to the robots actual hand :-) Ans he also got this other thing where you can see in the dark, listen at long ranges as well as a proximity sensor. I have to admit it wasn't long enough cause when they left it felt like they just got their. I got a rock from them for x-mas, and I know as some think it was a ploy from the ex to hurt me, it came from my kids and i know some think it's stupid but that rock has a special meaning since it came from them. That was my X-mas. Now I am at work writing this and finishing up the day. I after work go home eat and sleep through tomorrow and hurry back to work for Wednesday. This is the second x-mas where i will be utterly alone...so needless to say I'd like to get this over quickly, and it's not to sound selfish...I guess it's cause i won't see my kids until next year and that hurts me more then anything or any missed holiday.

Going to be hard...

Tomorrow i go see my babies for our x-mas together. I know we will have a blast but it sucks that it wil be the last i see them untill the new year, so it's hitting me pretty hard. I can't wait untill the holidays are over...I miss the holidays but wothout waking up with my kids on x-mas day isn't the same nor will it ever be. Anyway i have to wrap up my day at work to go home. I can already feel the sadness sink in but i know once the holidays are over i will be fine...it's just the days leading up to it are hard. I love you Dre & Kiara...Daddy will see you tomorrow.

xoxoxox

A fitting quote...

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

Now it begins

I went yesterday and things were done…needless to say it was the hardest thing I had to do.  Going every month was straining but I knew the outcomes so it didn’t play with me too much.  Yesterday mind you was totally draining, but was taken with open arms.  It’s funny though how I seem to predict or to have this very big empathy feeling or vibe feeling.  Do I know too much for my own good?  I am not saying I am psychic, please god no…I am far from it…lol…but I guess it’s been the small things that have happened since the last time I wrote.  I really don’t want to get into it now…I should but I guess what I can say is, it’s sad to see how people can be two faced when you give them nothing but the world and your trust…maybe my life change wasn’t the best thing to do?  I think the only ones who deserve my honesty, loyalty respect & trust should be my kids…mind you they have always had that…and no matter what the final outcome could be, they will always have it.  Maybe it’s time I sit back and not focus anymore at rebuilding in the sense of starting over…I don’t think there is a point anymore…so maybe I should just do what I do best and that is being a Daddy first and excelling at a job I am good at.  Anyway I’m @ work so I should get back to it.  Maybe I will write later about what happened.

 

 

A part of life?

I met somone last night out the blue...and i mean completely random. Earlier in the day i talked to an old long time friend and he was mentioning about how he was looking for a chat room where he can talk to people about his problems and seek advice...and this was before i even told him about blogtv. I know i should go back on but i'm scared. Anyway can someone tell me what does it mean when you meet someone with almost everything in commun and can sit there and talk for hours and not get bored of it? Someone said it was scary cause she was like the female version of me. I don't know...the majority of me is really saying move along...but there is that little thing inside of me saying it doesn't care if he gets hurt if he does try and pursue something with her but finds out she isn't interested. But i can safley say one thing...she would have been or could have been something I would have been proud to be with. She is very passionate about her work and teaching. There is so much i can go on about her, but no point for now as she can and could be just another face i meet in life. I hope it's not the case.

Infinite sadness

The one thing…the one true thing she took from me that I will never get back is my happiness…my pure true happiness. I look at life now in a different light then I ever did before. I sit and watch how others say they want to be happy but yet turn around and do something that goes against what they say. I just don’t get it. All I know is every minute being without my kids the more sadness envelops me, almost like that black shroud that used to fall over me when I would have to go back home from visiting friends…the worst empty feeling you could ever possibly imagine. You know the funny thing is, I was afraid at one point to share my feelings cause knowing they might be used against me…but then I sat back and thought, I am allowed to be sad, hurt…and it will take time to heal. It doesn’t mean im not a fit parent, worker or human being…quite opposite since I would never ever let my kids go through any pain or hurt that I’ve gone through, not that they haven’t gone through pain of their own, which is not fair. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life…empty. Having to endure the false accusations against me for 2 years…hanging my head low…afraid and sad. Why can’t I break the spell of believing her? Why am I punishing myself for something I never did? Is my mom right? Am I a push over? I let her walk over me for 9 years cause I cared, and wanted to do nothing but give them the world which I was nearly there. Please pray for me and my kids tomorrow, we need it. The sooner they come home the sooner the healing can start. Dre, Kiara…Daddy loves you never ever ever forget that, because no matter what anyone says you both know Daddy is here for you and always will be…Trust your hearts.

Tomorrow.....

Tomorrow is the day I guess…well let’s see. I just wanted to take time this morning to make sure when I mentioned something before I go tomorrow…just that I know what will happen…and that finally things will move forward…regardless of what is really supposed to happen I know this time it will be a lil different. Like I mentioned to my family it’s getting harder and harder….especially when I am being forced to pay $180, mind you it’s what I owe but they want it in full and they know right now I can’t do it. Work is getting a whole lot better but to recoup to where I was will take time, they don’t care. Anyway I got to get to work but will chat more later.

Like I said...

Well I didn’t figure I would be this right, but remember Shannon? Well I had my suspicions on weather or not you know who was using others to spy and to try and keep me down…how did I figure this out? Well in short cause as for details I’m smart enough now to keep a tight lid on how I know…but last night was my come back show of sorts on BlogTV, and low and behold after 3 months of her disappearing she pops up…I know she was one of the guests that were watching cause as soon as I called her on it publicly she disappeared….im sorry but it’s not co-incidence anymore. I can’t wait till my book get’s published…it’s just a matter of time. I’ll write more about this after…got to get back to work.

Tolerance...

Maybe we can learn something from this...

Question...

I have been thinking about this for some time now, and when people tell me think about the kids, or this is about the kids…well no it’s not…I mean I am fighting till the end for my babies…but in retrospect and really sitting down looking at the bigger picture…what is going on now is not helping the kids…it is not benefiting them.  In fact the kids are the ones who are suffering more.  So I ask you whose fault is it?  Mine...you know who’s?  If looking after what’s in the best interest for the children is the priority…then why are they the ones getting hurt?...why are they being used…is that not hypocrisy?  I honestly think it’s all the big words and slang and terminology that plays the trick on all of us who go through something likes this to blind side us into not seeing things for what they truly are.  Think about it…take a normal man or woman going through divorce…it’s about them and between them…the kids should be focused on right away because children are more easily influenced in a time of crisis, and because of that can and could lead to psychological problems for them down the road.  Kids don’t understand what goes on even if you tell them or try to help them understand, not like adults were we separate or divorce we know why and what the score is.  I guess it saddens me a lot because I see my kids every Saturday and each time I see them they look so unhappy…and it’s not because the don’t want to be with me, but you can see it in their eyes.  I look at their pictures from a year ago till last Saturday and you can so see the dramatic and drastic change in them…so I ask you this as well…if family life was so horrible and violent and unstable…then why when you look at pictures or movies they are happy and look like they have no care in the world?  Then you look at recent pictures and movies and well...night and day is all I can say.  God I miss my babies so much.  Well that’s all for now, just needed to let that out.

 

 

You never know till the end....or until it's too late

Well i was right on my assumptions, that the weeks to come will be nothing but a huge life change again. But one thing that happened that has left me confused, hurt, lost...is I found out Meghan, a Friend who has been with me since day one of my separation...well...she is going to the University of Toronto and as the days got closer for her to leave which is this Wednesday it seemed her and i began to feel awkward about things..mainly our feelings. It's funny cause our friendship/relationship there was nothing physical, but we were always together. Then over the course of the past month or so people would randomly ask if we were dating but we both pushed it aside and said we are just friends...and never thought anything of it. But we then talked about it and it got weird...i think to the point where it hurt us both knowing even though we weren't far apart, it is too tough to let go. So we both i think are putting up a huge wall to protect one and other from knowing what it's gonna be like. She has been the only real distraction i guess that has been constant enough to help me at least try and forget about you know who...but now with her gone i am so scared old feelings will surface and i will go back to square one. All I do know is once she goes...this will be the first time in 10 years that my life is 100% different then it ever was...right down to the people i know. I never felt so alone in my life. BTW...as much as i have news on the kids, the news i have is staying put...not writing anything for now. But they are as well as can be and I miss then and love them to death. Anyway i am heading home now but needed to let this out.

Frustration builds....

I got a call today from my lawyer and her health is deteriorating...i felt horrible, but at the same time frustration came over me because my dates are pushed again till September...This has to stop...My babies are suffering and affecting them in ways that could potentially be irreversable. My heart melted though when Dregan said he didn't go fishing because he wanted to be with Daddy, and EVERYONE heard it. My mind right now is clouded because of the dates being pushed "again"...but like i was told and this is verbatim "Dave, it's all a game, roll with the punches...we know and believe you more then you know and we are going to be there to show the court who should be the parent caring for your kids so don't worry...but realize Dave it's a F'ing game...we deal with this everyday" But I asked myself do i really want to play the game? NO!!!! i don't...not at the expense of my kids well being and mental health...I'm so sorry Dre and Kiara for you both...it's not fair and i hope one day you will understand and forgive and i hope it hasn't damaged either of you to the point of no return.

Daddy Loves you both to death.
xoxoxo

Freedom?

I had my first taste of freedom with my babies...alone for 10 mins outside having lunch..im almost there

You can contact me at 5142927907
Vous pouvez me joindre au 5142927907.

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One of my last thoughts....

I remember the stories they used to tell me,
about how beautiful and powerful she was.
She was a goddess amongst mortal men.
Every slight sound she made was a pure as an angel resting on her shoulder.
Every whisper she spoke, brought passion and clarity
to all those fortunate enough to hear her voice.
But that is no longer. Those are just stories from the past.
I see the way they treat her now, the way the disrespect and take advantage of her.
They used her for their own personal gain, success and pain.
They tricked her into thinking it was all done for love,
But really, it was done for money.
They say money is the root of all evil, but I know its people.
It's people who have carried out these treacherous crimes against her.
It is people who have tried to suck, and nearly drained the blood of her soul.
Her name is .... She was once innocent, perfect.
But now I fear for the worst.
The day they drained her of all her blood, will be the day .... dies.

Kiara's B-Day

6 Days...

Six days till I go back to court...again to be pushed, bet you 20$...but i am surprised this time...well knock on wood...but usually i got overly stressed about court, but this time for some reason i don't feel that...i even thought i was trying to hide it or from it, but im not. My feelings have been weird...things that have been happening have been weird...not in a bad way though just...i guess uuughhh therei go again with my mental block...why can't i write like i used to? My thougts are so clear but so many of them and can't organize them...I'll come back when i can...all i know is for some reason i am feeling things will be ok...for the first time i feel that...i dont know why though...maybe becaue the dreams have subsided for now? I don't know...anyway i have to figure out how i am gonna see my babies saturday...i am just happy i got the job i wanted...so now i should be able to start to afford it...Thank you god.

Sorry...

I just wanted to say i'm sorry for not getting into details in my last post...but it's how it goes and how i get when it get's closer to court time...so many thoughts and emotions it's unreal.

Too much...just way too much.

Do we really have that bond within us? that undying connection between two people? I did and have done everything people have told me do to move on...believe me to ease the pain and to lose the pain i have tried everything...even begged to god to take it away. It was working being able to help others, but even that could not take the pain away...only masked it. One of the reasons why i haven't blogged on here was because of Blogtv....but as much as I love BlogTV, and I do...i can get my words out easier on here and be able to ball like i am now and not have to have people look at my pain all the time...It would kinda defeat the purpose don't you think? And yes i know...I have to be happy with myself before making others happy, and I agree...and it's not that I'm not happy with myself...but i am so angry and unhappy how everything went...it was wrong. Please don't get me wrong I respect her wishes and will do nothing to jeopardize that...but I am allowed as a human being to have the feelings i have. I do wish that I wold wake up from this nightmare...omg do i ever....because like I've told people we become what we experience in life...every comment, look, thought..argument, failure...even the good things that happen to us....and i know i have changed a lot over the year...even with me getting a new job, and the friends I've made...home isn't home anymore...no matter how i rebuild...I miss it...i do, and it's bad because most of our issues were issues that could have been solved...but because there was so much B.S. that covered what was good, it just seemed too be to much. One step forward and 2 steps back eh?....I even thought of staying single...and also getting an op done...i mean that's if she has to get hers...I heard she was getting sick, but I heard that from the center...and i knew exactly why without them telling me...and well...that's how deep i care...it's fucking scary. I knew i cared but this much...anyway it's getting hard to type with the tears. I just wish I could type more because of all the things that have gone on....so much has...i have come so far but still feel like this is Day one...why? does anyone have the answer?

Weekend?!

Well...now i get it, and understand why now...I found out Friday that with in the rules for seeing Dregan & Kiara if i miss 3 consecutive visits they close the file and well...that's it. The sent knows it's completely out of my power...it just costs to much. It's been the one thing that has been hurting me bad...and on top of that well i didn't see them again because they had their play to practise for...so it's pushed for this Friday 4:30 to 6:30 which kinda sucks but at least i get to see them....soooo much i want to do, 2 hrs is not a long time. So much has gone on, I'm still trying to process it in my head...soon i hope i can put things together and write it out. Anyway I have a big day tomorrow....just wanted to write quick about the kids....all i can say is i miss them to death.

Wow...i say that alot these days....

I'm sorry...I can't remember the last time i posted...I found another site which i figured would help since as much as I loved to type and let things out...I figured I would video blog it...seemed really kewl, and well I wanted my babies to see their Daddy trying...well more then trying...I haven't been able to see them now for almost a month, and it's not a lack of trying...Just can't afford it anymore, and it's not my life style I'm leading either...I'm just tapped out...and I have wicked dreams at night of Kiara & Dregans faces and the look of disappointment. God it's so hard, but i am trying with every ounce of hope and energy left in my soul...and i thought my life before was hard. I do have to admit the video Blogging has been a useful tool to help me move on and help to act as a distraction, but i don't think people will really get how much pain flows through my blood and soul...some say to seek help...but why deny the fact we all feel and hurt...and until I get my babies back i won't ever be fully healed...an open wound never healing, even over time. But i have met some really genuinely nice people on that site, and it has at least given me closure on myself, and the fact what she has always said about me was not true, and that i am a nice guy...so at least i have that closure...and I guess it makes me feel good to be able to be someones shoulder, no one should ever go through the pain i went or am going through...the good thing is i am hiding it better then i have been before. Today was the hardest though and still is...i can't stop crying at all...i miss them so much...i miss my princess Kiara and my Dre Dre...and i can just see the looks on their faces as they are told they won't be seeing my again..why?!? Can someone give me a real answer why we have to hurt...and please no stupid answers like we have to...we don't have to people I'm sorry...we are just to lazy and ignorant to put any effort in...and honestly too selfish...it's always what "we" want...and don't realize that we are all human and we all hurt...no matter color, or creed...we are all the same and we a re all born good...anyway just wanted to pop by and let you know sort of whats' going on....i just can't type anymore...i need this cry for my kids...i owe it to them.

Fitting...

Yeah

I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right
now

But hey, what daddy always tell you?

Straighten up little soldier

Stiffen up that upper lip

What you crying about?

You got me

Kids, I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad

Well I'm gone but I'm trying to give you the life that I never
had

I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you
laugh

I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry

Cuz you're scared, I ain't there

Daddy's with you in your prayers

No more crying, wipe them tears

Daddy's here, no more nightmares

We gon' pull together through it, we gon' do it

Kids, daddy's crazy, aint he?

Yeah and he loves you both and you better know it

We're all we got in this world

When it spins, when it swirls

When it whirls, when it twirls

Two little beautiful girls

Lookin' puzzled, in a daze

I know it's confusing you

Daddy's always on the move, mamma's always on the news

I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems

The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me

All the things growing up his daddy that he had to see

Daddy don't want you to see but you see just as much as he
did

We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me

But things have gotten so bad between us

I don't see us ever being together ever again

Like we used to be when we was teenagers

But then of course everything always happens for a reason

I guess it was never meant to be

But it's just something we have no control over and that's what
destiny is

But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep

Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream


Now hush little babies, don't you cry

Everything's gonna be alright

Stiffen that upper lip up little,

I told ya Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know daddy's not here right now and we don't know why

We feel how we feel inside

It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby

But I promise momma's gon' be alright

It's funny

I remember back one year when daddy had no money

Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up

And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from
me

Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em

I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night
crying

Cuz daddy felt like a bum, see daddy had a job

But his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom

And at the time every house that we lived in

Either kept getting broken into and robbed

Or shot up on the block

And your mom was saving money for you in a jar

Tryna start a piggy bank for you so you could go to college

Almost had a thousand dollars till someone broke in and stole
it

And I know it hurt so bad it broke your momma's heart

And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart

Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back

On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment

And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara

And that's when daddy went to California with his CD and met Dr.
Dre

And flew you and momma out to see me

But daddy had to work, you and momma had to leave me

Then you started seeing daddy on the T.V. and momma didn't like
it

And you and Dre were to young to understand it

Papa was a rollin' stone, momma developed a habit

And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it

I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it first
hand

Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud

Now I'm sittin in this empty house, just reminiscing

Lookin' at  your baby pictures, it just trips me out

To see how much you both have grown, it's almost like you're
big kids now

Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here

I like the sound of that, yeah

It's got a ring to it don't it?

Shh, daddy's only gone for the moment

And if you ask me too

Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird

I'mma give you the world

I'mma buy a diamond ring for you

I'mma sing for you

I'll do anything for you to see you smile

And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine

I'mma break that birdie's neck

I'd go back to the jewler who sold it to ya

And make him eat every carat don't fuck with dad (haha)

What to say...

I don't know what to say...I don't get to see my child on his B-day...well b-day weekend, as he apparently went to cubs get-a-way weekend...so i was supposed to have Kiara, and well just like i predicted..(again)..she never showed...they had the flu...i don't buy it for a second this time. It was the nicest day out today, and i know it was done out of spite. I had all these thoughts circling in my head before I started to post this...now I am drawing a blank...not sure why though...All I know is because of no closure i notice i still have my guard way up and well have no trust in anoyone...it's not fair. One thing is i was right about one thing, where my strength comes from and that is my friends. The more i have made the stronger i've felt...and even at times being the center of attention like i used to be and put smiles on everyones face...life is too short. I just wish there was this peverbial angel out there....oh yeah and when i was at the center because i said it's also 5 days till the one year of our separation i was scolded...I AM NOT CELEBRATING IT!!!...fuck why would I celebrate something i never wanted to end? It's just hard to believe it's been a year. Anyway im gonna go for now and try to sort my thoughts and come back.

Closure from a 5 year old...and another eventful saturday

What I have is a curse and nothing more...I knew going today was going to bring another blow. LikeI told Meghan, my Mom and others...February 2nd was the starting of something. I really have so much to write, but right now i am still in shock and it's funny, I was right about one thing i've notcied...there are key things people have said along the way like "Heart Cancer" which is what i'm feeling now...I get my 5 year old daughter telling me after a tickle fight with her and Dregan she goes to me "That's how our new daddy plays with us"...needless to say the heart is now on it's way to turning to stone. I am still in shock, hurt...haven't cried yet but feel the tears there so that's why i don't want to write to much...not the right time. Anyway yeah, so there ya have it...my closure.....from a 5 year old. I just want to say thank you.

Heart Cancer says it best...

Well another holiday spent alone...and since Saturday my mind has been in a flurry of thoughts, and emotions. There is one comment someone told me and has stuck in my head...and it's the feeling of when i lost my family to even today...but even though i never had Heart Cancer, I think that definition fits. I guess I am not over any of it at all...Today felt like the first day all over again. I really don't know how much more I can take or how much longer I will last. I sit there and see no matter what I do I am looked at as a criminal, or whatever people think...and no one at all seems to care I am the martyr in all of this and the true people who've done the real damage and the real crime will walk away with no repercussions at all...and people expect me to be happy? I should just say thank you and smile? Ask yourself that question...if you were crucified for almost a year, and have lies told about you to the point where it cripples your life...and when it all dies down would you really turn your other cheek smile and say it's ok? I've slept and cried all day...even now my tears a rolling down my face. A lot of people are proud of me, and a lot are scared...but some apparently see me in admiration for even being able to function this long...like they've said most don't. I have read the statistics for the province of Quebec on this and even i am surprised...Please god, you taught me patience and taught it well...please grant me the strength to push forward...or heal the deep wounds that are not healing...I beg of you now. I really thought my heart was strong, and I thought I had moved on...I guess i was wrong and I guess I was fooling myself.

...Famous words...I don't forgive, and I don't forget...

i just don't get it...seriously...i mean i do but i don't. Today had ot have been..and i mean Saturday with the kids. But i had to have been the most catch me off guard type of days...funny though...i mentioned that something would happen at the center and it did...i always know when they want to talk to me because all of them hover, but not in a bad way, more like a caring circle. I was taken out and was told that you know who wants me to have unsupervised visits...i was gonna suggest sitting down, but this is to major to even be poking fun of the situation...and i have litterally sat here on and off trying to really come to terms with it...in fact i've been like that all day. Everyone i've told is in shock...litterally. no one really knows what to tell me, except they say "well that's a good thing" and I should be happy...true very true and omg when I was taken out during my visit with the kids...and i just thought of that...why do that? why not wait till the end? anyway I kinda had to sit down because i honestly felt like i was gonna pass out and be sick all at the same time...i am still trying to digest this...all i know is on e of the biggest words that i have heard over and over and also something i've learned...Patience...it's funny cause it's true...I mean i finally figured out she stayed at Tamara's house on the 8th...that's why all the papers say she left me March 9th...everyone is showing their cards now, and all the players are coming forward, and lies being uncovered...it was hard going back in after i was told that...and as usual i went to wash my face because of the tears....it's funny i cry everytime i leave there...especially when the kids tell me in front of people they want to come home with me...i'm still confused though...i mean why now?...is it because i left Insight?...i mean i was asked over and over again if i knew where she lived...i have no idea now what to expect or what to think...yes i am very grateful and happy...but what about the time she said i was gonna kidnap them when i took them to the park with a councelor? or even x-mas for that matter...showed no regards to me or anything and pulled them out like what an hour and a half earlier? Even to not letting me do homework with Dregan, and it does get documented that she neglects it. So what now? this has to be like the hardest day in a very long time. I took the time when i got home to really look over her petition for custody...and to be honest it made me sick to think someone would have the odasity to write something like that to defame someone or even to the extent of ruining their lives....and it did for me. As much as my head is on straight, i am not the same as i used to be...i can see that now...but why?! Why now with all of this?...Like she's always said "I don't forgive and I don't forget".

A lot of Insight...

Another small gap between posts...I can safley say though most of january went smooth until near the end...begining of January i was put on a final plan for work...but a lot of people there were on plans. I knwo why too, and it's a way the business deals with layoffs...instead of doing a massive one and alarm share holders, they do it in a subtle sense. They are doing this because of a company aquisition, software spectrum. That company had the first wave of their own cuts, then came Insight. It sucks, because i was talking to my mom tonight and was saying before my break up with her i was at the peak of my career, and well the break up took care of it happening. I didn't have my bounce for a while and wasn't hitting budget like i normally did...and it was because of distractions...and yes even though i've tried to move on it's been hard because there is always a constant reminder...because of one mans actions the started the ball...but then I wonder if that ball actually started before then...like i've said since i've been posting the truth will finally come out, and it will...and i don't think i've ever put myself in a light of perfection...i wasn't perfect because nobody is, and I think we all know that. I guess since november small things have come out...truths that counter act all her claims, and certain people emailing me out of the blue...or even calling and asking for her...yeah i don't remember if i posted this, but a neighbour called that i guess we haven't spoken to since we moved to the house, well they called asking for her and i had to tell them we separated...it hurt to have to give the censored shorten version of what happened...i guess i pretty much said things just didn't work out...i didn't feel like getting into any mud slinging because it would hurt too much having to go over it again...and i was litterally on the phone for like 30 seconds, short call...and awkward, and it was probably my fault to...sound of my voice. Anyway i have completely run off track, work..that's what i was talking about...so yeah, final plan...it was funny, because January like i said started off with a smash, and i mean on a very high note. I had the momentum again at work, and was on the right track...the metrics were pretty high, but honeslty, half was easy to achieve and the other half...well...lets just say not impossible, but you pretty much have to sell the farm in most cases...but...i had momentum and steam, like i had before the break up...i was hittting the metrics, nut it's funny this is where it really made me lose hope...and again it also felt as if i was set up from the get go again...and by the way you and gonna hear the phrase again later...I'm not sure if i posted this either...lol...i should re read my stuff... :-P but i was taken to HR again and this time it was a new HR rep...and my manager Vanessa Hearn...basically said if i missed one more day of work i was fired...that's a little harsh...so i said ok and signed their paper and went about my day...that didn't realy bother me because i was finally starting to see some sort of real light this time...even though the child support money and how much i have to pay to see my kids is nuts, and to be honest...kinda unfair...and leaves me with pretty much rent money..a little left over for odds and ends...and me getting closer to budget was the light. I would be able to breath again. Anyway a week ago Tuesday early in the morning i felt really sick, and all i thought was here we go...i called in early to work so my boss could get the message and i could get to a clinic in time, and i also forgot she needed to helppush out an order that was gonna hit my month, but i called twice, she never returned my calls, I even got a rep to ask her to call me...she never did. So i wasted my time trying to make sure she got the proper instructions on the order and what to look out for, since i was the only guy on the team with no back up she watched my stuff. So i missed the window at the clinic here for the note, and i wasted bus tickets to go to stat care to find out it costs $ for a Dr's note. So that was a waste of time...i didn't have the money. So the next morning i wrote her an email cause i knew i was gonna get fired, or so i thought...i knew it was rather harsh, so i called thier bluff...i wanted to see and prove that they weren't and they knew they couldn't do it...so when i got into work i emailed Vanessa and told her that i didn;t have a note, and couldn't afford it, and would clean out my desk and be out at the end of the day since that was a written in binding...or so i thought, but they right away pretty much they took it back and said it was harsh and they would just call the clinic to make sure i went there...so i ask you this...why is it so important for them to make sure i actually went to the clinic, and seriously people...if you were truly sick, and i mean stomach flu type...and you seriously gonna tell me you should go to a clinic? Wouldn't staying in bed be a better idea? when you know the Dr. is gonna say your sick...so whatever, i called thier bluff...the next day though is when the last part of my old life became a thing of the past...i was chatting with Meghan on MSN and she said Paul poped on, and i said it's funny cause i can't see him...wow even now thinking about what i heard adds another scar to my deeply wounded heart...i know may osund cheesy people, but it did hurt...she asked him why and he had replied he was done with me a long time ago...i was crushed...it smelled of "Her"...that phrase i picture her saying that, but to him...The reason why i say that is because certain people will pick up certain traits about people...like a certain saying or jesture that gets thier attention...and well Paul has always been the type to tried to be cool or fit in...infact he tried too hard, but right after that was said i don't know what meghan and him were talking about, but he said he had coffee with her at tim hortons...so from that, and what he told meghan that night he showed up when he said that he felt it was set up for a long time, but i'm sure she swayed him to not associate with me anymore...and well Paul is the type to follow a girl if she gives him attention. I cried actually when i read that...i went outside for a smoke and cried...i'm glad no one was around...but the pain was like losing another loved one...and it was, my best friend of 15 years...gone, and she did the job. Don't get me wrong i am not paranoid...because i know the lies will be uncoverd and all of the claims will be false, thats why i sit there and question why this has to be like this when it's hurting the kids more then anyone and affecting them.
Anyway i wiped away the tears and finished my smoke an went back in...then to top it all off i then found out my order would not invoice for the month, which ment i would not hit the minimum revenu i needed to be at, but had i have gotten it i would have been at the cusp of hitting budget...and even some of the hardest metrics i was able to not achieve but show impressive results...so i hit the goals on the final plan and should have technically went down to a written which is a step back...it's a good thing...but i said i can't, it would just continue with the lies...it's funny i was told in HR that it was against company policy for them to have switched me teams because of structure on territory alignment...but i found out a girl on my team did just that...LOL...no one can keep a lie straight these days. Anyway i sat at my desk, then got up...went to HR and said i'm done...my director came down and talked with me and the HR rep...asking if it's what i really wanted to do...I said there were to many memories, bad ones that even though i would have gotten back to where i was, it was too much on my soul, heart, and honestly the game would continue and im sorry trying to get my kids back is not a game, and playng with my job is playing with my life and affects it, and in turn makes it harder for me to bring them home. So the next day i went in, and sign the papers...they were very generous though, not sure out of sympathy or out of fear of me knowing what they were doing was wrong..oh i forgot to mention th epart where my month performance and was pretty much said that even though i hit the metrics requested they hinted at it might not have matterd...well why set out something like that...an improvment plan, to go against it....oh yeah right they did before too about me being sick...you see a pattern? so they gave me 4 weeks and 4% plus 6%...My director walked me out and talked with me, and said i should add myself to that class action lawsuit that is pending against her lawyer, and to try and seek damages because even he said she destroyed a good reps career, and he then told me to use him as a reference. I found out after we said goodbye i was saying goodbye to the recptionist, and she said she has never seen my director talk to anyone like that since she's been there the way he did...i was shocked...but mind you so was he, because he said he never met anyone who has gone through and still going through be able to fucntion the way i did and at that caliber for that long...it was 2 reasons...Dregan & Kiara...that's what drove me...don't get me wrong, i didn't do this to let them down...I did this to eliminate any negative distraction in my life and the painful ones...it was hard leaving...don't say i didn't shead a tear cause i did...so that's how february started and let me tell you...even though it's started off rockey it's gonna pan out...im not worried about a job, because i already have one lined up...more pay. Anyway i looked at the time and it's super late...and well didn't realize i have typed so much....i guess i was in a writting mood, and i have so much more to tell too...but i am gonna save it for another night...i should crash i have things to take care of tomorrow...and btw if the spelling sucks i will be doing a spell check tomorrow. nite nite

Short one...

Ok well something happened on MSN tonight because you know who popped on...oh wait she doesn't chat online...oh yeah d'uh...LOL...anyway yeah she came on and have no idea how or why...I had blocked her and deleted her from my contacts a loooooong time ago. I figured the less i see to remind me the better...i mean that's what she wants...so anyway I block/deleted her again fast...then since she popped up it got me curious...then almost outta the sheer blue i found this link which i also saved the page:

http://www.journalism.ubc.ca/

Freaky thing is...that article proves some of my innocence...how? well it shows either she lies to the general public on health issues, or to the courts and messing up 2 innocent kids heads...either way it's gold for me and for my kids...She claims i never let her worked in her life...well in a statement that she made says:

Depo-Provera’s side effects plagued Tina Cross; her symptoms were so bad she eventually had to quit her job.

“If it were not for the side effects of the Depo perhaps I could cope better, perhaps life would never have become so unhappy and unhopeful,” Cross said.

You decide....am I really the beast? or am I the victim?

Remember when I said....

Not sure if I ever blogged those exact words but...Remember when I said I came full circle in my life? Well I think I did. It's been nearly 2 weeks now since I found out from one of my clients that I'm still eligible for the United States Marine Corps. I didn't believe it at first so I made a call to Staff Sargent Mendola who then put my in contact with Sargent Halford. They were the coolest people to talk to and very helpful. I asked some questions and they acknowledged the fact the new cut off age limit is 34. And I know what alllllllll of you are thinking and probably have thought since you heard me start talking about the Marines.....what about my kids? right? I know....and believe me they are and will always be the focal point of my decision. I think this is the first time i have to make a life changing decision on my own...i mean not being able to discuss with a partner. But part of my thinking is this...no matter how hard I fight the system is on her side...even though i have written proof this was all set up. So I am going to ask you something...provided I am right about my statement...Do you think it's fair for someone to lie to get out of a relationship...destroy not only one persons but a whole family and traumatise their kids, and use the ex-spouse as a stepping stone to get herself in a comfortable life setting, while they become poor...and work just so they can pay the support for their kids and leave them to not be able to do anything with themselves in life? and leave them with virtually nothing? No I know it's wrong and I'm sure you do to....well that's me. As much as it hasn't broken my spirits...I am in a position now where I can live out my childhood dream and become a United States Marine Corps Soldier. And I am not going in as just infantry, I am going in (if I decide) to become an officer...further my education. But it's not the only reason why I am and want to do this, I am also doing this to open doorways for my children...so they can have all the opportunity in the world for when they get older...and it is also a sacrifice...because I will have to give up the fight for my kids (for the time being) and won't be seeing my kids for a long time...well minimum 15 weeks...You might think I'm selfish, but only seeing my kids 3hrs on Saturday...and well getting to the point where i simple can't afford going to see them...and get this...on top of what I pay for support I pay an extra $80 a week to see my kids...I don't care what anyone says I never ever payed $80 in one day when we were all a family...and we sure as hell never had to pay $650 a month on them...so I ask you...if i can't afford to see my kids what do I do? Sit there and look like a dead beat father to which I'm not? No way...I'm willing to sacrifice my body and soul for my kids to join the Marines...and I think that is and has to be the most ultimate sacrifice and human can make for their child...especially if it means opening doors for them so they can have a better future. Honestly this isn't gonna happen till probably this summer...there is a lot to consider and a lot of thought to put into it..it's a huge commitment and a hard life changing decision.

Day 2...

Well second day into the new year and well, I can't say it hasn't been good. It has...and I can't say i don't feel different cause I do. I dunno what happened (knock on wood) but things are starting now to look up. I know though i need some sort of shield...lol...k it sounded dumb but i need to ensure that my healing does not get swayed...because gaining the momentum in the beginning can be a little hard...and if it got affected then it will for sure take me longer to heal...but if i can find a way to keep myself shielded from her and the drama and the bullshit that i am being constantly being put through...then i have a better chance then i ever did. I'm starting to become happy...my phone is ringing again...my inbox is becoming full again...I'm coming back :-) Just didn't think it would have taken so long and well didn't think it would have been this way. Anyway day is almost done at work....so I'm gonna get ready to head out soon.

First one of the new year....

I've been sitting here thinking of some of the things i want to change within me...one is to stop being scared of what other people think of me...I also noticed a pattern in myself...a defense mechanism...when a traumatic event happens against me I go into a shell, which I did for most of all of this...pushing people away...not wanting to go out...being scared to bump into "Her"...i don't ever want to see her again...as much as I am extremley sad to not have been with my family on New Years...seeing her again would kill me...that's why this year strength is what I have to focus on... as well as shedding skin that is not needed anymore...When i meet new people as much as I try and be myself we all put on a mask in the begining to protect ourselves...some masks are smaller then others but all do the same thing...this is where I have to overcome my fear...lose the fear...I did it before when I moved to Dorval...I came outta my shell, and when I did I was at the top...waiting to move to the next level...and I did...and I almost got to where I was about to be "Something"...and it was taken away from me, and I live it everyday...you can't turn back time...but you certainly can take what was destroyed....use some of what's left and make it stronger...not completley rebuild...because obviously the foundation has withstood the test of time...and once built, it will be bigger, stronger and better then it was...I am moving to the next level...maybe that guy who posted a comment in the begining was right...maybe the gift is coming soon...the one beyond the problem...who knows...but I do know this is my enterance to the next level in life, and I have a whole lot to offer....and I sit back and think...that's pretty scary...because I never saw that in myself before. I really wonder...I really wonder who will come out on top...and I wonder if Dad's advice and wisdom are true...if so...well the I guess that's a good reason why Dad's are important. Anyway I'm out...wanted to throw that in since i am soooo bored...lol...but it's all good. ;-)