Guess I was wrong...but right?

Ok this is nuts...Her Lawyer again is postponing the trial...It's obvious now it is out of fear, and out of the sheer fact they know she isn't ready to have an evaluation done on herself...because if she was it would have been done already. I made some calls and found out the file has never been given in to the psycho social experts. But after today I am going to try and get it set up for myself...I have nothing to hide or fear. Either way I am not worried anymore. Every single cent I make is going towards getting them back home. It may be shared custody in the end, but god willing they are living with me. I am ending this "Game" once and for all...my kids are suffering and so am I...all at the expense of you know who. But at least by me pushng for it, it makes me look better. It's funny though...cause when you say emergency you would think it's urgent right? Well explain this...we have been doing this since May 3rd...and it's still being postponed...is that a sense of urgency for you? I think not.

wow...it all comes down to this week....

Well it all comes down to this week I guess. I met with my lawyer and she is amazing. She listened and it felt good to tell the story and the truth of what happened. I met with her for about 2 1/2 hrs. I gave her everything she needs and then some. All I know is after meeting with her I have a better feel of what the outcome may be...but I could be wrong. I have quite a bit to back me up and alot more ammo if need be. I just don't want to play all my cards now. I know if this becomes a long battle in the end i will win...but it will take some time. Which at this point I have. And since I am going back to work and nothing else to work for but myself...I am focusing all my money and efforts on getting my babies back full time with me. I am not going to stop untill I win. they mean too much to me to just give up. Anyway I have things that need to be done today..Doctors...clean...and also get more stuff for my lawyer. So between now and next monday...wow I will be so freaking busy it won't be funny. Anyway I will for sure write more later, and I am sorry for not writting a whole lot as of late but alot has gone on, and I have been so super busy....not sure if it's a good thing? We shall see.

When it rains it pours...

This is just so unreal...I was told my meeting was between 12:30pm and 3:30pm today to see the kids...then I find out she already showed up and is on her way back to where she is staying. I a mbreaking...I have nothing left...if nothing good comes out of Tuesdays court date then I am giving up. Not on my kids but myself. This has nothing to do about the love I have for my children at all...I would die for either of them in a heartbeat, no question about that...why owuldI give up on myself? Well I stunbled on more pictures of us and the happy times we had...I even found a picture of her and I when i graduated from EPOC...Everyone now is telling me I should start to hate her for her being so spiteful...but as much as I try the more I hurt...God if there was an angel up there listening...please change time...go back to march for me...Dregan's b-day prefferably...with the knowledge of whatI know now...so I can change the future...make things right and better for everyone...I have no fight left...but I always say that...so why is it that I find the one little ounce of energy to fight...God please help.

Good News???

Ok this is where I just don't get it...I called my lawyer to ask a few questions and she has not been in...but this guy answered and said he reconized me from last Thursday when I called. He said she was working hard on my case and that she spoke to the judge and apparently she has really good news? God...like I said to jess and everyone...once this is all said and done and if I do win, I will be so much stronger then her going forward...I have taken a 3 month beating...everything and anything you can imagine has happened to me...I am very confused right now...sort of...so I am trying to let it digest...and not trying to to get my hopes up to high...cause it smells the same...what I mean is that I have had things said like this before but ends up not being what I think....but maybe...just maybe there is a God...and my own special angel listening, watching and seeing my heart and words are true...and just maybe my wish has and will be answered? I can only just continue to pray...CAUSE I AM A GOOD FATHER...and there is no one on this planet who will ever tell me different...except for my 2 precious babies...Dregan & Kiara....and to this date...Daddy is the BEST!

Postponed again......

I'll write later...but OMG!!!...freaking fiasco...I got in a while ago...phone got fixed..YAY!!!! so now I wanna shower, eat and decompress.

1 day to go....

Well tomorrow is the day...may be postponed..may not be...not sure yet what to expect, but the anxiety is building. I'm not totally worried about what will happen...well part of me is...but I have what I want to happen in mind..and if it goes at least the minimum I want then all should be cool...but it will be a hard 48 hrs...today and tomorrow. I crashed out early last night to get my sleep back in order...I woke up before 9am...so that's a start...It sucks though...cause had I stayed at work, I would be stressing as much about bills...but in a way I didn't have a choice...it's mixed...some people agree with me taking time off to sort through stuff, but on the other hand things still have to be paid and done...but honestly I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to work since everything I worked so hard for in life disappeared....coping is hard sometimes. I thank you all who have emailed me to wish me luck & support :-) I'll write more later today after I get some things accomplished.

And again they try...

Well it's been a day, and needless to say again someone has been trying to find my site...but this time even going to the length of putting in her name, Dorval and Dregan in the search field...it showed 3 resutls...one was to my space...and the other 2 were broken links to my old one...or old address. Google helped me move it intact so I was happy about that :-) I am trying to move on and forget...I want my kids and nothing more...but I also want peace...inner peace with everything...i have contimplated posting the screen capture I took of what I found...it is relevant to alot...if you look or click on the image where it shows Search Words...it clearly shows someone using Dregan Tina , and Dorval...I am surprised though they didn't use Kiara too...ok I just did and it narrows it down big time to 3 links...same. I dunno...I don't mind if people read my writtings....but some people try and us them against me....so it makes me hesitate to write sometimes....anyway thought you would be interested...I know other people will....I am not sure who is doing this or why...but as much as it's a pain in the butt I won't stop writting about what goes on in my day.

Animal farm day with the kids :-)

Well what can I say....what a day. It was fun, and we had a blast...so much that everyone commented and complimented on how close the kids were with me and how well they listened. They saw lots of animals and were able to pet some too. Kiara Loved the baby bunnies :-) It sucks cause there would have been a lot of nice pics, but since you know who says they are wrong and offensive and inappropriate I am not allowed, but I am getting that fixed as well as everything else soon. But the only sad part of the day is when Dre lost his game I bought him...I have never ever seen him that sad before...He started to cry and so did I...He kept telling me it was his favorite game and it was special to him...and when he said that I started to ball...so we looked for almost 1.2 hr for it...the whole park...but couldn't find it. When we got back and when it was time for them to go, I hugged them both got big kisses from them...and when the councellor came back in she said how you know who got pissed off at Dregan for bringing his game and he should have known better...she asked me if you know who was always like that and I didn't give a huge answer, but I did say he would hear more about it later and may get grounded...So I am going to make a special extra gift for him...I am sure he is gonna love it as always. :-) Work is coming up soon...and it seems everyone is anxious for me back. :-) I have been getting trickles of emails from clients and co workers...so that in itself has helped a bit. :-) Since the Dregan and Kiara were not able to draw me pics on Saturday I have the paintings they did last week that I just scanned...If you look closly at Dregans drawings he always has clouds in them..with rain...he never drew like that before...anyway hope you enjoy, I know now they get their artistic side from me. ;-)

Dregan's Boat


Dregan's Hangman Game


Kiara's Butterflies

It's things like this...

"Dreams can't break, they begin and end, then begin again"
Author:Unknown

Tired...

I was talking to someone and they sent me a song...Alice in Chains..."Alone" and it's freaky...seems alot of people are going through the same thing at the same time...I have talked to a lot of random people online and off...the pain is the same but it's ho we take it...I guess you can say I am not taking it well...lol..but hey...I'm doing my best :-) I mentioned the word sting to someone, and that is a good fit to how it feels thinking there will never be...listening to this song is like opening a floodgate of emotions...it's good though...I want it all out...I mean ughhhh...like I ask Paul before I crashed out...I asked him if I would be ok?....he said yeah you will Dave...then I said to him I was scared...he had nothing to say back except I know you must be....he sees it in my eyes...god life can get so messed up in one second. Anyway this is probably one of the first time I actually have tears almost going down my face...lol...chat later.

Early Morning...

Well I actually woke up at a reasonable hour. Mind you I think it was the kids at school that did it. I think it's getting closer to them ending school so they are outside and man they are really excited today. :-) Then I started thinking of Dre cause he goes there and how much fun he would have been having...God I miss them...and I know you know. My head again and heart this morning are hurting...filled with unpleasant thoughts...thoughts of old memories (good ones)...just everything...and believe me I try every day to get it out of my mind and focus on something else...but it's not easy at all..in fact it's next to impossible. I know it's over with her and I...I do know this...but why do I feel somewhere down the road things might happen again? But then I look at everything that has happened and say how? How could we? Maybe it's just me...I don't know...all I know is I pray everynight this never would have happened...I guess you always realize after how much something really means to you. But I did appreciate what I did have...but maybe not enough?

Woah...

I can't even begin to describe what I am thinking or feeling right now...I mean, seriously I have no words for it...I told someone tonight I could and never would ever speak to her again, not even a look...but did I mean it? I get every single person telling me things will be ok, and things will work out in the end in favor for me...but why don't I see what they see? I feel like a sleeping giant, still in slumber until I am awoken from my sleep...is that when I will regain all my strength? Everyone one said I had it before and still do have it...I just got to turn on the switch I guess...but why aren't I? LOL...that's the million dollar question. My insides shake so much...my thoughts fill with dreadful fears...it's over yeah ok...but why the linger of pain? I am sooo very tired...I know I didn't do much but tidy up a bit and get a little more organized...but it's late...and again my mind again has won the night...where I sit and think...Love really sucks...it does...because you give your heart, life & soul to someone and yes you both may have challenges in your life that need to be dealt with, but ending a life like that...the way it ended was...wow...I mean how else am I supposed to describe it? It was and still is mind blowing. Having the certain someone room here is gonna help somewhat. Just to fill the void of an empty place. Until then get ready to go back to work...I am praying I can do this...and see how life treats me.

Learned something today I think...

I coulda swore I learned something new today...I guess more about me. But over the past week and a bit now..the phone has not stop ringing...and I mean by friends...and now it's to the point I have to try and juggle who I see...I am not trying to sound high on myself, but I am rather shocked...but then I realized something, I am scared to be myself...lol...I mean I guess all the attention I don't want right now...thought I did...I end up feeling guilty or wrong for hanging out...meh..where was I going with this...LOL..it's been a day...did the dishes..finishing up the laundry now...and to wait for my keys...LOL..anyway if I can remember where I was going with my thought I'll come right back to it.

Been a few days...

Well it has been a bit since I last wrote. Been doing a lot of reflecting again...soul searching...thinking...wow...so much had...so much gone...But now it's time for me to get back on track...I was off track for about a week...too much to take in. Seeing the kids on Saturday was freaking kewl...it was the best part of my week. :-) They had McDonalds for lunch which they were all over. ;-) They did some painting so I'll scan them and post them. Paul's been hanging out with me to help me out. He ducked out for a bit because everything got way too intense. Which I agree with. But now things are a little calmer...so he is coming by more often. It helps, and the kids love him like an uncle. He has been in their lives quite a bit. He feels like this is dream like as well...not really happening type thing...he is sad too about all of it. He loves us both and hates to see things or us go through this. That is a true friend. I have to go back to work in like 2 weeks...not sure how that's gonna turn out...I am not even sure I am ready to go back...too scared maybe...not sure what to do really. But with paul staying here it will help out on cash flow until i do go back. All I know is, life seems very different...out of place even. Anyway it's clean the house day...everysunday...not sure if i should do the lawn...it may rain and it's not that hot out...meh...I think next week should rather be interesting though...got a funny feeling....don't you just love it when I say that ;-)

Asking for more money....

Money money money....it's what it's all about...I just got a call to pay her another 30$...like WTF...she is shopping every weekend and does not have the hands to bring some of the kids stuff back with her....all the time this happens...like Dre's cars...Kiara's playdoh...Like this is complete crap...I am glad I found the renewed strength to fight this...and I am going to...and I am going to win...It's funny cause I really don't think certain people realize whom I have helping me...not only will i get a good portion of the pie...but i am also going to uncover all the lies...and who the liars are..and then get on with my life...be back in my succesful position...with my kids so they can live a normal happy life. Anyway I am going to eat...LOL...well my bro called...and no not Trev ;-) I'm going to see him after...but it's good to see my life getting better....only one thing left to complete. BOOM!! BOOM!!

Done deal!!!

Well it's a done deal...I got a roomate...this person knows my babies well so that part works out and they love this person to death...so that's a huge bonus...he/she will be moving in the 27th...they are finalizing things now as we speak. :-) So now 100% I am not losing or moving or getting ird of this house...I took huge steps forward to get this...I am NOT, taking 2 steps backwards. So my happiness is growing. :-) My only completion is getting my babies back FULL TIME!..no weekend stuff, I mean the full monty. Enough is enough with traumatizing them,,,I don't care what some people say about the fact they are in good hands...blah blah blah...I am their father, and I know what is better for them...it's not some Shelter...I have even noticed a change in them. :-( Anyway i'll come back after.

Locks being changed today...

Well I am changing the locks today because of things going missing...like my sunglasses that were Dregan's at one point but they were to big for him and since they broke my pair I started to wear them...other things have gone missing as well...but I am not getting into it. So it will be a fun one today...it's hot out there...Mostly Sunny & 27 degress...blah...the humidity is sick..but i got a nice cool basement if it get's to be too much...which I am so glad now I do not have to move...it was looking very grim...but now things are freaking fantastic....just got to get the momentum rolling, which it's starting...just got to keep it going. Anway i'll have more updates later on.

No way!!!!!!

I actually spoke to someone today...and I ain't gonna say who...just in case I have prying eyes that I don't want reading this...But it made me feel really really good. :-) LOL...ok this is too much...I just got off the phone with someone else...well not them per say but their mother...WOW! talk about getting your stuff back in gear...she was really happy to hear from me and sad by what I told her...she said I was a survivor and she knows it. :-) She is passing the message on to them and I hope I hear back from them soon...I think if I get all of this back...it will help me in a huge way...my strength will grow...my confidence will come back and so will my self esteem...Only time will tell...which sucks...But hey I got to roll with the punches...By the way...did I mention my step sister Tamara was pregnant?

June 21st.... D-DAY

Well it was postponed till the 21st of June. I am good with that since I will be getting a lawyer for the final day. I feel more confidednt then I did last night...maybe it was the stress of it...and I aw her and now I know she has been in the house since she left...she had clothes on that I know I hung up and put away...it's ok though...this is gonna give me the time and drive to end this once and for all. This is getting to be too nuts. I want my kids and that's all there is too it. Anyway I got there at like 9:30am...went in to register...said I was contesting and I wanted to postpone....her lawyer came up to me after and said she was renewing the court order which i was sort of ok with...and i could go and I had her word things would be status quo...I leff came home and made my calls. I am not giving in...I am gonna do my homework till then and completely win this hands down...I know I have enough evidence...that I am 100% sure of...especially when I hear it from official people. As for my feelings...well the are mixed...I guess part of me still cares and still wished this was all a dream...but the other part of me wants to just move on...and all it will take is one small event for it to happen...maybe I am stopping it? Who knows...I do know I have some renewed strength...and I am gonna win...she may have my blogs...lol...she may have "Pending Charges" against me....which in the end will be dropped, or dismissed...but the stuff I have completley relates to the well being of the children, and the proof to knock off all the allegations. I am not backing down nor willI be intimidated or scared anymore...They are my flesh and blood and someone is trying to keep them from me and take them away...if I was a bad father then why take so long? I mean I have soooo many questions...but these are for my lawyer...and they are questions that will be answered in court, and the lies will be uncovered.

Last thing to add...

I forgot something...just like "May 20th" My second time being arrested (for nothing) I even predicted it...so what I will show you is this...What i feel the outcome tomorrow will be is not postponement...but a loss..for me. Fine maybe for the time being...but I will lose...and once I get in tomorrow from all of it I will let yo know how it went...you will be utterly surprised...I won't cause I already know...but all of you who are reading this will be...to see how I am able to know this before hand...well let's just say I have had this for a long time...I even predicted everything that has happened since it all started March 8th...right down to cable being cut...I'm not some psychic, or nut case...and I don't see things...but it's an emotion...that's all it is...and I have been 99.9% right all of the time...so with that keep watching...I pray though that 0.01% chance i am wrong about all of it.

Unable to sleep...

Man...I can't sleep...no matter how hard I try...too many thoughts going through my head...some people told me to get mad at the situation...get mad at her for doing what she is and has done...but why can't I even do that?Therapist seem to think I am fine...Psychiatrists think the same...they say I am going through a normal transition in my life...but since I am also going through something huge it is not helping the matter. I am such a case now...what am I really scared of? I mean in all honesty I shouldn't be scared because of the pure fact I am not in the wrong...so what is it? Do you see what I mean...so many questions and no answers...maybe I am prolonging the fact tomorrow is gonna come weather I like it or not...and yeah I should get some sleep...but I know as soon as my head hits the pillow the dreams will start...god I hate dreams...Kids Daddy loves you...no matter what happens tomorrow I love you and always will...you both know that...and Daddy is really sorry Mommy & Daddy are not getting along right now...but we both love you dearly. Things will be ok soon, Daddy promises. Just remember both of us will always be here for you no matter what. Good night and I love you.

It all comes down to thoughts...

Man I don't think I have ever had this much of a problem sorting through things...I sat 9 hrs today doing nothing...well thinking....I told Jess I had 3 sides today...a very deep sad one...one where I wanted to just walk away and never look back...and well one...well..yeah......I am finding out crtain roles of this well done event...the poepl who backstabbed me, the people who said they were my friend and turned their backs on me...fuck what do i have to do lie to get people to not turn their backs on me? If that's the case no way...I am too good for that...but on the other hand I feel myself giving up...not caring about anything...as much as I am getting support, it's getting rough...I miss my kids so very much...I sometimes just sit in their rooms or in their play room, or even look at pics of us...Anyone who is readind...never take your relationship for granted...EVER! It's not worth it...it can lead to much worse then what I am going through...and the stuff I am going through is nuts...to over hyped for what really happened...but will I get my day? Will I get my day to ultimatley prove my innocence and get my children back? The way things look no....if I did i would still be very scared as to the reprecussions...so I sit here and I am shaking...I am so very scared about tomorrow...I have never been scared of much but this kills me...cause i know everything against me is a lie...but when you are one lone person fighting against an army the odds ain't all that great for you...in fact...they suck the bag...I am very sorry how things in the past 3 months have turned out...like a snowball rolling down hill getting bigger and bigger...until *BAM* it explodes...I know that my blogs are also going to be used against me...I don't care...I read and re-read it over and over, and there is nothing in here that shows anything...the only thing it shows is the confusion, hurt, and saddness...but unfortunatley people take things like this and twsit it all up to make it look different...but i do assure you of this...THIS BLOG IS SOLEY TO HELP ME COPE WITH ALL OF THIS, TRY TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND, THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS A SUICIDAL PORTAL, NOR A PORTAL TO BASH OR HURT OR EVEN "BREACH MY CONDITIONS" But some people will use it saying I am emotionally unstable or mentally unstable...LOL...I wish i was cause it would be alot better off for me...but I am not...I am just hurt and saddened that I am looked at now as a bad Father to my kids...hence supervised visitation...hence false charges of assault, and even "Best Friends" turn their back on you...and what I am supposed to smile about all of this...I think not...any normal person would feel the same way...but I am not a fighter...I hate fighting, it is counter productive...anyway I really have to figure out what to do...i'm scared.

He's home...

Lucky came home!!!!!! That made me feel a bit better...I would have for sure lost my mind if I lost him too...just wanted to update on that...going to nap now...I am emotionally drained.

It is the end of the road for me....

If things could not get any worse they did...Lucky is gone...He took off out of the house...he has gone out on his own before, but there is no sign of him anywhere...it's funny how 12 years of your life can be undone in a matter of months...and I mean everything about who you are and where you got to and everything you had...gone...He saw my life and saw it change from bad to good...he saw all of my ups and downs in life...he was my true best friend...and now he is the last part of me to leave...Everything about me has now been striped away...My pain runs very deep now...my soul is now lost...and no one around to guide me...is there someone out there that can guide my soul back? or is my soul lost forever? If someone reds this and can answer please do...

Today is the hardest day.....

Today has to be the hardest day for me emotionally...I broke...or I should say I am broken...so for those out there who are happy about it...you got what you want...well part of what you wanted...I guess it's only about time when you get the full monty. I am slowly piecing the puzzle together and I am not liking what I am seeing...for the record, this could have all been saved...I know this now...but the other people involved had alot to do with it. I just want to...ugghhh...WHY!!!!!!! GOD WHY!!!!!!!! Everything around me is crumbling....all the good memories are flooding in...WHY!!!!! STOP IT PLEASE STOP!!!!!!! I BEG YOU, I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING STOP MY PAIN & HURT!!!!!! WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!!! Please wake me...with the things I know now so I can prevent and heal what is wrong.

Intense...

Tonight was intense...in fact...ugghhhh...I dunno...let me sleep on these thoughts...i am teetering on the bad thoughts...but still had an overall ok night...let me think this over before I get into details.

Got some feedback....

Well I got some feedback from a complete stranger...well sort of...I had her read some of my blog to show her what was up...I wanted someone completely neutral of everything to try and grasp what I am going through...and what the kids are going through...as I told her there are 3 sides to every story, my side their side and the truth...but like I said to her it would only be me really lying to myself, if it was all lies that I have been typing since May 3rd...but they haven't been...that's what's scary...She said she would be there for me when I needed her, but I don't think I could muster up enough courage to lean on her for support...She even knows how awkward it is to even talk to another girl let alone look at one...so I may just keep it to myself from here on in...she is too cool and nice of a person to dump my life on...not fair. I did thank her though for lending an ear. Lexi if you are reading this Thx :-)

Hmmm....how did they know?

Can't really type much right now, but I got alot more outta today then I thought...I had a blast with them...But noticed they had alot to say, and it was heard by all. So maybe I should not be giving up...maybe that is the sign...who knows...all I know is they siad quiet a bit which was noted for the file...and I was not in the wrong...in fact it helped me out. I think I am being looked at in a better light now and I think people are starting to realize...or I should say come around to the realization of things...and what are the lies and what are the truth...but man why do I have to take such a beating for it? Is that what's supposed to happen? AllI know is it will be postponed I am sure on Monday...but I am getting teresa to get it over with before the end of the month...no question about it...I am seeing why it is being done this way...but I am not buying into it, nor will I stand by and let it happen...I am being screwed. Mind you I never have been screwed for to long before...just takes time to work out the kinks. I have to call Mr.Police guy...(My nickname for him) LOL on Monday to let him know how it went, he has taken time out of his day to help me, and support me...not alot of them do that for people...He rocks, no question about that. and the support I have been getting by my lawyer,social workers and family has been intense...I know I am not a bad guy at all...yes I am not perfect in the least bit...but I am not evil, or abusive, or mean...spiteful...I could go on but i am sure you get the point. Anyway I have cleaning to do...so till later.

Will they be there?

Something tells me they won't be there today...don't know why I think that...mind you I don't know why I think a lot of things these days...I know I'll never be ready for another relationship anytime soon...not even being intimate with anyone...I can't...why do things like this happen? It was funny I was talking to Jess about her relationship issue last night, and I just kept asking her the same question (why?)...going down the list...and startled her on what she found out...Part of me thinks things happen for a reason...part of me doesn't...my case this shouldn't of happend...there is no reason I can see...there are so many things I want to say on the topic, but don't want to give any ideas or suggestions. It's gonna be a tough next couple of days for me...today we will see if the kids show up...now I am thinking they will...but no one called me to confirm...second well I got court on Monday...I have asked why to so many people...why things like this happen...why the hurt and pain...why hatred...some don't know the answer, some sayit happens...I remember someone telling me a long time ago this is how it would end...lol...should have I listened then? I guess my big "Why" question is...why I still love? Not an "Obbsessed" love, but a pure love for family, kids and home...isn;t that what people strive for in life? A nice home, a good job, beautiful kids to care for?...but yet we throw it all away in the face of problems that could ultimatley be fixed...same as in Jesse's situation...anyway I have to get ready...Pary for me today...I just realized something...all this time I could have been partying...going out...since I have more freedom now to do it...but I don't...there is another "Why?" Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel it's wrong? Ugghhh...So many questions...little answers.

Again the tampering....

I get up and see again my site has been tampered with...meh I don't care...the more it happens the better off for me I guess...The police will be over tomorrow looking over things thatI have found as well as a few other things that need to be discussed that have come to light. As much as I want to give up, everyone is telling me not too...I don't have the heart to go any further, and it's not because I don't love my kids....I would give life for them, I love them more then anyone can imagine...but I guess the reason why I don't want to go further with all of this is because of the lies...and people will end up getting hurt over them...and these aren't lies of mine either...Everyone knows me as a guy who hates stress, fighting and arguing...I like to be happy as much as I can and enjoy life as much as I can...but this is the first time in my life where i feel truly helpless, hopeless and alone in this fight...even though I'm not...I never wanted this...and it's funny cause they will probably use portions of my blog in court...only the ones they feel make me look stupid or something...but if they read the whole thing they would realize I am not...and most probably see there is more the the problem then the realize...and not stemming from me either...This has been the hardest time of my life....and I don't think it wil change unless I get my babies back...it will balance life out, well...to a certain extent...there will still be the other things to worry about...but with my babies home protected from all the hate, hurt and drama of all of this. This is what it really is, a huge play...an act...and everyone knows it....except on my side...I am not acting nor am i playing...my feelings are genuine, and so is my hurt....Oh I guess a piece of advice...if anyone goes through something like this...remember you are not allowed to hurt, feel pain, care or love...cause if you do...well they look at it as being obbssesive, not caring for your kids...psychotic...damn the list goes on and on...I just realized something...this is all based off lies...either way you look at it...one big fat juicy lie...and in the end the kids pay the price...NOT FAIR! So today is second to last day for me to do anything...do I do something? or just sit back and enjoy what time I have left of a somewhat normal life? or do I find whatever strength i have and go out fighting? Meh...I don't believe in miracles anymore...I don't believe in hope anymore...faith...anything...almost to the point where I do not believe in myself....This is the toll that all of this has taken on me...and I know other Fathers have gone through the same thing...it's not a nice site to see...because I have seen before and after pictures...life is very scary on the other end of the stick...I am in the middle right now...teetering towards the wrong end...I wish there was a way to stop it.