Can't describe....

I went out tonight...actually I was pulled out...The night was cool, and it was the first time I have been in a social setting being single...I hated it at first, actually I hated the feeling...I did actually get my mind off of it...but at times it would creep back in. It was odd, because as soon as I left...the vail came over me again....no one is gonna be there...I am trying to express myself without "Breaking Conditions"...because having an empty void is hard to just write without expressing everything...As I was driving home I stayed behind a truck the whole way...and thinks why this has turned to hatred towards me so fast...there was never hatred no matter what was thought...and I guess that's what hurts the most...I hate this....all of it...I miss my kids like you wouldn't believe...I also miss other things to...I still can't believe it, it's like it's a dream but obviously it's not...but being on my own for a while now has given me a hugh different perspective of myself, life...I am sure it has too for others...man I miss hearing the kids...it's funny though, cause at that critical moment in time...there was a tear...a fork in the road...left or right...one way would have had an outcome like this...had I had check first about the whole "Dating Web Site" problem first...I wouldn't be blogging right now...But since I didn't check...right there is when life through in it's tests...I failed...I am really hard on myself for it...but will not stop defending myself...I do have a heart, and it is known that I do...I have been told it takes a while sometimes to really move on and let go fully...especially since life wasn't all that bad, but took a issue of mistrust...or not having it, which ultimately destroyed everything...Man, even now blogging...so many thoughts...so many worries...I am mad at what influences helped fuel this raging fire...when pictures of happiness are drowned out by the inferno of hatred...while standing in the middle of that fire are two innocent children who really don't know what to do...it's scary...If I had one wish...I would go back to Dregan's Birthday...that's all...but wishes don't come true I guess...I never wanted or thought it would end this way if it did...ugghh..I gotta stop I am not focused...trying to blurt everything out at once...but I gotta make sure I respect my conditions. So I am gonna go for a bit...but when I sort my thoughts out I will come back to it...