Now what do I do?

What do I do now? I am afraid to sleep because of my dreams...I am afraid to stay awake because I am thinking to much...I just don't know what to do...I think it is the loneliness when it's late at night...well it is only around 11pm...I hate this feeling of emptiness...will I be saved? Why do I still pray for what will never be? Why do I hope for it as well? Is my heart to big for me? I thought about putting the family website I made when they first left in March...but I think it would hurt me too much to do it...actually I know...I guess I am just torturing myself, but why? Are these some of the questions we all face in life? This really bothers me...why now in my life can I not overcome and answer questions I would normally be able to answer? I wish I was able to shut off my feelings for good...not for my children...but I mean the hurt I am constantly feeling...I know in time I will get better, like I have been...but why do things take so long?...ugghhh, I guess I am just over tired...and like I said I am dreading going to sleep...but there is nothing for me to do staying awake...except write my thoughts...I read on here I could actually write a "Blog Book" of sorts...I may...My Dad said he liked what I wrote, and to never erase it...so I just might write a story on day 1 of how everything began...You know, just before someone dies, but still lives...they say they see their life flash before their eyes...I get it daily...since April 27th...the day of the papers...From the first kiss, to the birth of my children, to the end of a family...I wish there was someone out there who can stop this nightmare and bring a family back together...but at this point in the game I am sure it is virtually 100% impossible. So if someone can answer this question for me...Why do I want to bring my family back together? especially after the amount of pain that was imposed on me? I sound like a little child, always asking why...Is there someone out there who can save me? or my soul? Are my hopes unwarranted? Is it wrong to hope that one day we can be a family despite all of things that have happened? Some day's I wish I was a cruel person who hated, and didn't have a heart...because it would be easy for me to not hurt anymore...because I would not care. But I guess I was born to care...Life is just so unreal...and maybe because of all of this I am in a depression...not denial anymore but serious depression...I posted new links of recent pictures of me and my babies...theone and only thing that keeps me smiling...I am going to try and post something that made me break down at work...it was a picture Kiara drew for me and it was in a frame where you can record a voice...I accidentally bumped it one day at work, and everyone stared...I felt them...and I went and cried like a baby. If it works you will understand why.