It's still there...

So my mornings are rough after my dreams...I got what I had to get accomplished today...well most of it. I got my papers from Lakeshore which helped...I also called unemployment since all of this has made me unable to work for the time being...too much stress and not knowing if I will ever see my babies again. Went to my therapist, and that went well...she was shocked to hear the events that unfolded after I saw Dregan & Kiara. She was very surprised I have not broken yet, but she says it looks and sounds like I have gotten stronger...maybe so...but she does see how sad I truly am...and knowing all the lies that are being told to hurt me...My next session with her is to find out why I am still caring for someone who is out to hurt me so bad...why I still deep down love Tina. She knows it's not an obsession, but deep true love...because I said to her; on the off chance Tina's reality was twisted while she was gone, I cannot just turn my back on her...but if she left out of spite and if there were other motives behind it, then well would I be stupid to still love her? I don't even want to think that, but in the end it's probably the case...but even to this day I have been forever loyal and faithful...and will probably be forever...I could never replace her, nor would anyone fit her shoes...she was unique, and she was the only person I ever felt comfortable with...so for what it's worth, and if you are reading this Tina...I am sorry for whatever you think I have done wrong...but you know I never ever hurt you, hit you or even had the desire to...it's a shame you twisted your faults into mine, and dragged the whole world into your dream...and still I love you and care for your well being...anyway I went and saw my mom at her friends house to pick up a few things, one being a gift for Kiara's B-Day, she is gonna love it...it is a pink Jacket with Princess written on it and her favorite princess characters on the back, with a matching hair elastic...she also got a Teddy bear with a Hershey kiss in the middle of it 's belly...and I know she will love that as well...I am going to pick her up one more thing and a game for Dregan...even though it was her birthday I do not want to leave him out...we then sat and talked...then came home...I am dreading going to sleep but it is going to be a big day tomorrow...I wish in separation they gave you a pill to forget...to help you get over it right away...but I guess that's in a perfect world right? So tomorrow I have to go to the doctors, get my note, drive to work to drop it off...come home make some calls that are important, call my lawyer...give her all the stuff that I have been able to get...then meet with my landlord, which is not going to be fun...but I refuse to let her push me out, and I also refuse to let her look at me as if I am the bad one in all of this...because I am not...Tina again has made false accusations and put me down...Man this is the hardest fight I even had to do...I do feel emotionally drained...but as each day passes it gets a little better...my drive are my kids, because I want to see them play in the backyard again...hear them playing, just being with them...why did life take all 3 away? Why is this happening? Anyone out there know the answer? if so I would love to hear it...anyway I am gonna go try and eat something...I am kinda hungry...I'll end up on here again, but figure I would write down what happened today.