The Aftermath.....

Well a lot has gone on since I last blogged...and that was April 1st or something. Just to let you know, Tina filed custody papers and signed them April 13th, and I only got them April 27th @ 3:30pm. But she has accused me of a lot, which I am defending myself on it. I just can't believe it ...I do have to be somewhat careful in what I say...it's not that I don't trust her, but I just don't want her to twist anything...like she says I am obsessed with her ...I’m not ....I could be obsessed with a good family we did have. Yes it wasn't always perfect...or I should say neither of us were always perfect...but if we would have sought counseling sooner none of this would be happening. There are still so many questions that are unanswered. I continue to hurt everyday...and pray for a miracle that she opens her yes and sees what it is doing to the kids. I saw then today and they ran right to me...no fear at all. We had the best time too ...I made them lunch...we colored ..I read 2 books to them...we did everything as if it were a normal day...and it felt like it too sort of, like I had only missed them for one day. I cried at times cause I was so happy. They drew me some pictures, Dre is gonna write me a story for when he comes back next Saturday. That's why I am so confused ...nothing adds up. And again I am not obsessed with Tina...my problem is Tina had always appreciated family values...kids always needing a daddy in their lives...she taught me that...but she is making me out to be a monster or someone who comes home and beats her up physically and mentally ...I never did. This is a side of her I never saw before, and it scares me. Just like her stare in the court room. I don't know if it was how they made her look, but if it was make up, they did a good job at making her look sick ...cause I bought it...if not then I am so scared for her health, and well being. Because I have pictures of her right before she left...and that did not look like her. I am just sorry it ended this way, because it didn't have too. Everyone has told me that. Maybe in time Tina will realize I was never a monster. I haven't emailed her since I got the papers...what would be the point? All I do know is I asked her in march...she never replied ...I am only assuming, the it was right after the 28th of march when it was being considered....so maybe cause of my emails it pushed her away ....maybe for good. But I know I am a good dad...and my kids love me, and that can never be taken away since kids know...they know if something's not right and if a person should not be trusted. They proved that today when I saw them. I must say though I was a little scruffy looking since I couldn't fall asleep the night before ...I was so anxious it was nuts! :-) when I did doze off the alarm went off and it was time to get ready to go. When you see some of the pics...I look very tired...lol cause I was...and mind you I am still very saddened by 2 months of not seeing them...it does have an impact on you. I packed their lunch, got the camera, and their stuff I was going to bring them. it was hard when they left though, cause Dre kept coming back for more hugs...and Kiara was too...the councilor had to take them by the hand to get them to leave. But it was ok, I told them next weekend is a special weekend. Dre is gonna help me with decorating for Kiara’s b-day, and I am baking her a cake this week. It can't be chocolate from the message I got from Tina since Kiara is on anti biotics. Her kidney infection is getting better which is kewl. So even with that I have to call the daycare I got Kiara in. I am keeping the spot and paying for it and I will make the necessary sacrifices in order to keep it. And it's not necessarily because I want Tina back, it's for Kiara's sake and mine for work, provided how things turn out. That is a responsible thing for a parent to do, is to make sure their kids have all the necessities in life they need. But for now I am not giving up entirely, this was and is a good family. Maybe if we find ourselves we can pick it back up and it be stronger an d more healthy. Cause I am sure if I asked the kids if they wanted to come home they would say yes in a heart beat...can't say the same for Tina, cause she still seems to thinks my behavior has not changed. I don't agree. I feel so different inside...an empty shell I guess to a certain degree...I can safely say Tina did take not only my babies...but a good part of me with her...I don't that same energy I had before. I have since watch the birth of Dregan, Kiara’s ultra sound...Dregan’s first movie he stared in, which was the documentary they did on me when I went to EPOC. Remembering all the good times, and looking back on the bad...part of me says it's over and to move on without her...but that's because I get this from other people who don't know Tina and I well...it's like they are making me feel something I don't truly feel. I thought about denial and all that stuff...I guess I will wait and see what my therapist says next week. She knows I was devastated for not seeing my kids for so long, and she does know how I feel about Tina, and she also knows it's not obsessive. So that is why even though for now things are the way they are, no one says down the road things might change...I am in no position to move on without her...and what I mean is, I am going to do what needs to be done...I am going to prove to her I am for real and my behavior has changed...even though she has put me through the track and back, and even though people said I should not put up with it and forget about her...it's wrong...maybe I deserve some of the hurt for now...I wish I had have known she was in that much pain. I still think she is a good person inside...good natured, but again maybe clouded? scared? I know she is happier being able to get out...not that I ever had a ball and chain around her ankle...but she did have strong family values, so why the sudden hatred? why use the kids? If they were afraid of me I would completely understand...but they weren't....anyway I don't know...it was a very good day, but a draining one emotionally. I am thinking of just keeping this blog page up with pics of when I see my babies...the family site is still good, but it hurts me to look at it sometimes....cause the pictures I see, and what I saw on court day....was not the same person. I just wish she could sit down and talk....she knows I am not a threat...this is why I am so confused...anyway, I’m crashing out now...writing has helped...but I do have to be careful...well I don't because I have nothing bad to say on anything...but I don't want words twisted or manipulated...cause that is what I have been seeing for a bit now....anyway until tomorrow.