Infinite Sadness....

I spoke to my landlord yesterday, and Tina had called her to apologize and to say she would not be living here anymore. She even called a day or two after she threw me in jail for nothing. She told Joan her version of the story which apparently didn't match mine. As much as I am trying to accept things for what they are..why is she trying to kill me slowly? Why? I don't think I have ever been this sad in my life. Now she has a restraining order against me, which the allegations are completely false...and in the end the courts will see that. Even in civil court for our children, they will see she is attacking me without just cause. How can someone one day say to you "Why wouldI throw away 9 years worth of investment" then throw it away, and try to destroy you? It seems now she has called everyone she knows and made me look like a butcher. I always looked at Tina as a good person, who cared...never lied, and activist....a great mother. So why?! Why is she doing this?! I know the only person who really knows is her...I have come up with so many reasons, theories, but all I can do is speculate. She is taking everything from me slowly...my self esteem, my happiness, my love for life, my confidence...my children...my freedom. I know their has been a lot of outside influence that has done this as well...and it is very unfortunate, because they all destroyed a good family...yes there were issues, but what family now a days does not have issues within them? I am surprised to the fact all the lies she is telling can and will hurt her in the end, but why can't she see that? I have made myself aware of what my rights are and what I could do if I wanted to challenge her...but I have been passive towards the whole situation since day one. Now I may stop that, just because they are untrue words she has spoken about me, and second if I do not stand up for myself soon, there will be nothing left of me, spiritually, emotionally...and quiet possibly physically...and I am not talking about suicide either...I am talking about how this is physically killing me slowly. I may file a deffimation of Character suit against her as well as press charges for assault which I should have done from the get go...but as I told the police when I called to ask about certain things, I told them I was scared to, and not because I am not telling the truth, but because I am afraid for her...Yes I still care for her even after 65 days of all of this...Andy from Fathers 4 Justice told me the hurt is just beginning...and if that's the case I have to start soon to building a wall so I don't get hurt even more....my heart and soul cannot take much more of the hurt, and lies she is spreading...Look I am not perfect nor have I ever said that...But I have never done something that bad to deserve all of this....maybe she is still very angry at me? Maybe she is scared that if she does speak to me she would realize she was wrong and I am sure she doesn't want to feel that..It seems she is riding on a cloud of false truth and believing all of it...But as some people said the truth will reveal itself soon. I guess I am also scared and sad for what may happen to her when they find out she has been lying. I know it's not my problem right? Well wrong, because their are two little children who love us both and are in the middle of this hardcore...it is not right nor fair she use the kids in this...it is selfish, and not between them...but the issue lies between her and I and no one else. That's why I know Tina has been influenced to some point, because she would never use children in such a way. So why is she? why is she trying to hide from me and make it so I cannot be within 200 meters of her? Was all of this pre planned? Did she meet someone before all of this happened and I was right? Or was she simply brainwashed into thinking I was a monster? I hate feeling this sad, and it's not feeling sorry for myself, because I did not do anything wrong enough to warrant this. When I spoke to the police officers even they agreed she was using the Justice System against me, and they didn't need to hear the story of what happened...it was evident for the simple reason...she pressed charges after my kids saw me for the first time in 2 months and missed me to death....they did not want to leave when it was time to go...maybe that's what got her more angry...maybe because my children talked about me and how much fun they had. My daughter told me Dregan was not allowed to finish his story I asked him to write me for the second visit, because Mommy didn't want him to....she doesn't even feed them breakfast before coming to see me, and the kids are always hungry. The coucellors have heard then say this to me. WHAT IS GOING ON THROUGH HER HEAD? It's like the old Tina has been locked away in a tower somewhere and this new evil Tina has come to light...one who is out to hurt and and to gain, and nothing more...I wish she could stop the hurt, for the children's sake...cause even after the second visit you can tell it is hurting them so much inside. I now have to make the decision do I go file a report today? or not? Do I sit back while she destroys me? Do let her? Honestly I am running out of strength, hope and faith thatI can do anything...but I know once I go and it is done...it will be over for her in the end, because I can prove she did all these things to me even the day she left....and I can also prove all of the allegations in her affidavit are false as well...so if I had all of this power to prove her wrong...why don't I?...is it because I am scared to hurt her? Probably...cause deep down I still care for her a great deal...I am really surprised the police though said she was abusing the system...I have that on tape and will be submitting it and them to court when the day comes...they even said the amount of women who do this and lie about it are in the 80% range...and that right now the system is not right...they told me to fight and not give up, because in the end they get found out..so even though for the time being she wins...in the end she will lose...so why do this?...why jeopardize yourself Tina? If I was in the wrong, I would not be able to fight at all, or even get to where I am now with all of this...there would be no point because I would be lying and everyone would see that. But the judge did see I wasn't...she did have her doubts about you. Even listening to the recordings of it you can clearly see the judge has a strong suspicion about her, and her credibility. I guess I am just ultimately sad over this...she could have done this in a way where no one gets hurt to the extent as it is now...but I guess that was her goal...to take everything away from me...like my soul, my energy, myself, my children's...My Life...without even flintching...And it's weird, I have one friend who has been there for me through all of this and they are going through the same thing...but not to the same degree...but still their heart was crushed, and their lives turned upside down. I pray Tina realizes in the end no one really wins, not even her...and who loses out the most is our children. Her lawyer has tried to make me look like an irresponsible father/person...making the court think I have to be perfect, and by making it out that if I was depressed in the non medical sense that it was a bad thing. It's not...and it's not wrong to want to try and bring a family back together again...I think she may be the one who is lonely in life, and probably had a bad experience in life to the point where men are scum...she even has a class action lawsuit filed against her...you can find this on page 55 of 76 section d)...and there are other class action lawsuits for the injustice Fathers face now. But like someone said there is always 2 sides to every story...true...but in fact there is 3 sides to every story...my side, her side and the truth. I was told the hurting has just started, and there will be more...and a lot more intense...I am finding it hard to be able to cope with it due to the fact I may never get to see my babies again after June 5th. As for Tina, well...as much as my door will always be open for her, she will never have the courage to walk through it again...maybe because she is embarrassed, and feels that she has no choice but to continue with everything? I don't know really...all I do know is it wasn't all me who destroyed this relationship...I know time will tell...but I wish I could look beyond the problem and see that gift...I wish there was someone out there who could rescue me from all of this and help me get my strength back...to help find me again...everyone misses it, and everyone has seen the change I have went through and how I have been crushed beyond all recognition...I had the strength, I even looked at all problems we had before and never backed down or was scared...why am I now? Why can't I fix this one? I know I wasn't alone in the beinging, because I had a lot of support...and a lot of friends, but because of the uncertainty in the beginning I pushed them away...I was the center of attention...and not because I wanted to, but because I had energy, and answers...people respected that...so maybe in the end Tina was jelous of my life? These are answers I'll never figure out...only Tina knows them. Today is Mothers Day...so not only have I missed Easter with her and the kids, but I have also missed Mothers Day as well...People think I am an idiot for even still caring for her...they all seem to think she is an outright bitch and cruel for doing what she is doing, and they all have said to no hold back...There are a lot of people whom her and I both know, that know what she is like, and have all agreed..."She is in the wrong, for doing what she is doing" So today I am not sure what I am going to do...maybe try and get myself organized...start reading up on the law...which I have to some degree...maybe then I will start gaining my strength...but it the lonleyness that is killing me..even though I have my friend there for me, I still feel totally and utterly alone...woah!...maybe that is why she is hitting me one after another...because she knows if I gain my strength back it will jeopardize her and her so called allegations against me...Like Fathers 4 Justice said...what I am going through is called Legal Abuse Syndrom which the symptoms is exactley what I have. I know deep down I have the strength to fight this injustice...but why can't I muster it up? why am I allowing her to beat me down for something I have never done? Is that Love? or is it fear? Can someone tell me? Anyway I am done for now...I have cleaning and organizing to do and research to do as well...if I am ever going to come out on top like most people think I will, I have to get grounded and eyes forward. As much as I am doing this for the right to be with my children, my heart is bigger then my brain at times, and I am trying to make everything good...which at this point in time I can't. I know my thoughts seem here and there about all of it, but sharing it with others helps...and maybe someone out there who reads this can help me understand why...maybe even save me. Sounds bad, but I am a really good person, but not in her eyes...and only her eyes...except for the odd few she has convinced that I am not.