Learning to cope....

It has been exactly 62 days since I have seen or heard from my ex Tina. I did see my babies last Saturday, but was riddled with an arrest 2 days later. I spent time in prison for a crime I did not commit. Needless to say it was rather scary at first, but when I arrived there and told my story to a few people, I instantly had sympathy. I was told by all fight for my kids, and the right to see them. They also said it was time for me to let Tina go. I never had any intention in my life to make her hurt or unhappy. As much as I did try and provide everything for her, I guess it just wasn't enough. She did try and make me out to be obsessive over her...I found it rather amusing, but scary at the same time. Reason being is that I was not obsessed over her, but obsessed about the new life we were starting to create. I doubt she will ever read this so I guess I am rather safe. But I do know there are people out there who would try and hurt me no matter what. I The sad part is, our life was not all that bad...comparing it to other relationships...but it was perfect either...we "BOTH" had our issues in life. As much as some people think she is and was wrong for doing the things she did, I still defend her actions...don't ask me why..I guess it's because deep down she is a great human being. I think it's more confusion then anything else. I was asked if she had just decided to separate, would I let her go...it was a tough question to answer and took me a bit to respond. I said well, at first I would have a hard time accepting it...no question..because as I looked back at all of our memories...and the good ones..we were happy for the most part...but if she wasn't she never communicated it properly. It was the one thing she said the night before which was communication to me and till the day I die, the words will always ring in my head.."Why would I throw away 9 years of investment"..those words made me feel the warmest I have ever felt n my life...well besides seeing the birth of my children....seeing those are first in line for the warmest feeling I have ever felt. I know I have always trusted her, but I guess she never trusted me...I have been loyal and faithful to her for all those years. The only thing I was guilty for was chatting with other girls online...but I felt I was never good enough for her...hence my insecurity....but what it does all boil down too was lack of communication that ultimately destroyed our bond, love and relationship.... I guess what shocked me and a lot of other people were the accusations against me...yes she may have been scared to leave me in fear I would go nuts...but I know I wouldn't have...I would have been hurt...very much so...but I know I would have taken the time to get over it. All of it was done the wrong way...it is hurting out children, and hurting our loved ones in the process...even my mom. As much as I am trying to keep her out of the loop, she worries still for Tina...and the children. but again it has been 62 days...and it has sunk in to the point I know she is never ever coming home with the children to me again. I have slowly started to put pictures of her in a box, and others too..but I keep pictures of our children in easy view. She seems to think I care nothing for my children, and also seems to think I never did anything with them...I did..I have pictures and videos. I am not saying though I was a perfect father, because there is no such thing...every father has a different quality in them, and I had great qualities. It was funny because in her allegations, she states my son Dregan does not want to see me, and every time he sees a black car he gets scared. When I saw them last Saturday they were super happy to see me and in the end had a hard time leaving. I was an emotional wreck knowing they are in a position of confusion and are scared because they really don't know what's going on. One thing that bothered me was one of her tactics about being obsessed with her.Now put yourself in my shoes for a minute...for the first 3 weeks, she confided in my mother and other people saying she has not made a final decision yet about returning...So of course any man or woman if you switch roles would try and keep the relationship intact. Which I tried to do..and every Email I did send her I always spoke of our children and to make sure they were safe and to give them hugs and kisses from me. It wasn't just her on my mind, it was all 3. I guess what I got out of our relationship which she taught me, was the value of family, which will be a bonus in my next relationship...which will not happen for a very long time...Even as I try and get over her, and as much damage she tried to do to me...she will always be my one true love...and no one will ever take that away from her. It is not an obsessive statement, but a statement of true love. I have stopped watching home videos of her giving birth to Dregan, well the after parts...and home movies of other good times with the kids, and pictures of things we have done...in my mind I always thought "forever"...but in her mind she didn't. Which is ok...I cannot control her love for me...but it saddens me she had and is trying to crush every part of my existence into absolutely nothing. My therapist, friends and family are all astonished no how I am taking such a beating, even going to prison and not flinching...well it's because the love for my children is what is driving me. But my only problem I face now is more prison time...reason being, when I was arrested and when to court, I signed a paper to follow certain conditions...one was not to be with in 200 meters of her...so if I go see my children on Saturday, she can easily call the police and have me put in jail till September court date...which I have a feeling is what is going to happen. But like I told everyone...I'll go back for my kids...even if I see them one last time. It is my daughters 5th birthday and a cake is already been made for her. I just want her to stop all of this un-needed pain...for our children's sake..mine and hers...all of it is really not needed at all. I am proud of myself for being able to manage things around the home, but after being in prison..I almost lost my job today...one that got us here. I found out the night I got out, I didn't have to sign anything and would have stayed in for a few more days..but I feared my job, and the fact if I lost it a) she would have won another round in destroying me and b) I would not have been able to support our children at all. but I signed it...and I told that to HR, and made them understand the implications of everything...they have truly supportive of what is going on, and told me to take a leave of absence. I am well, but they see that every good day leads to a disaster the next...and are surprised I am taking it in stride...but eventually they said to be on the safe side, take time off we don't want you to break. I feel old now...I speak different, think different..and act different...not sure if it's because when she left she took a big part of me with her...or if when she left it died that day...I'll never know. I have been asked if she ever came back would you take her back?...I answer quite honestly...I don't know...I do say my door is always open for her...but I am not sure I would ever want to go through the pain of losing her or our children again. 62 days without them and 61 days with out seeing my 2 awesome kids takes i's toll...I am finding inner peace with myself now...I still have intense dreams of her and the kids, and I am sure I will have them for months to come. No matter what she does going forward, because I know what happened over the course of the past week was just the tip of the ice berg...I will never hold resentment or hatred towards her at all...the only thing I will hold against her and will never forgive or forget is how she treated my mom...even though my mom has forgiven her for it...my mom has taken a toll for the worse because of all of this..if she is not careful she will be admitted to the hospital for good...her health is deteriorating fast...it's not all Tina's fault, but hanging up on her and being cold and abrupt for the first time in 9 years ever..not only shocked my mom, but hurt her...because she has always been there for Tina and the kids...and has always been there when Tina had problems with her own family. My mom never ever judged. People think I am crazy, but in reality I am not...I have a huge heart and a small brain...can be a good thing can sometimes hurt you in the end. I do thank her for all the good times we had, and for help bringing our two beautiful children to this world..no one esle could have. I am sorry for anything I may have done to hurt her, or cause her to not trust me...I think she really knows deep own I am not a bad person. but only she is the one who knows anything. So the next 2 days are going to be very tough...I meet with Fathers for Justice to help me get to see our children, and then hopefully see them and celebrate my daughters 5th b-day...and see my boy Dregan. I guess things were a little bit too late...this is why I am learning to cope with my loss, and learning to accept....like a lot of people said it is a shame it had to go this way, even separating...because we were on an upward trend...but I guess we will never know how it would have turned out. If I do not go to jail after seeing my kids, I will start to pack her belongings and store them away. I am also searching for a new bed, because I cannot and refuse to sleep in it without her in it. Sorry if it sounds odd, but I miss holding her every night when we fall asleep...so the couch has been my resting place. So Sunday will for sure be a day of mourning and crying, because it is the first step in moving on. I never ever thought in my life I would be doing it. But as much as I hope and pray every night that things will change, each day goes by and nothing has changed. Anyway I am out for now...I may write tomorrow after I get things done...and yeah I will, because it may be the last time till September. ...If not I will write as soon asI get back from seeing my babies. I love you Dregan & my Princess Kiara...and Tina...I do love you too.

My Princess Kiara

My Boy Dregan