Truth always hurts....and then some...

Well I did what I had to do today....I never thought I would have the nerve or strength...But at the request/statement of a lawyer I had to press formal charges against her. I felt sick because I never wanted the truth to get out...ever...I always felt and figured I could hide it and keep it secret...and protect her. Even when I had to sign on the bottom I was shaking...Literally...the police officer saw my pain and she put her hand on my shoulder and said it is the right thing to do and would be ok...I mumbled my last caring/loving words to her by saying "Sorry Tina"...even now I want to break down and cry...but like the lawyer said, she is trying to make me look like a jackass...and the truth has to come out no question. It will come down to her word against mine, but I don't fear it...because I never ever in my life hit her or was physically abusive, and she knows that. She is trying her hardest to keep me from my kids...and I will not give up, especially on them. I just can't believe after nine years this is how it would end...I even said that to the police officer...it's like I don't know her anymore...as much as I am getting my friends back...I still feel utterly alone...most people think in the end I will come out on top...but the mountain is pretty steep and the hurdles will start getting tougher to clear...but I got this far right? As much as she has been the physical one in the relationship, I have always tried to protect her no matter what, even lie for her...even if it meant I get hurt for it. But I have to protect myself...not defend but protect myself...there is a difference...since I have not done anything wrong, I am protecting myself, but if I did something that needs to be defended then I am defending myself....I have to protect myself from false accusations, ones that can seriously jeopardize my safety and well being...and not just for me but for my kids. This nightmare is still not over....In fact she will try and do more hurtful things to me...let her...cause it will show she is a hater and not a person who cares about her children...I am not saying she doesn't, but the more she focuses on me and, trying to kill me in every sense they will see that she is only out for vengeance...why? Maybe she is scared...who knows...but she has no reason to be and she knows that. Things are starting to set in now...sorry sink in...it sucks and I know there is nothing I can do about it, except put all my energy towards my children...so they can have a life they deserve, and always needed. This is the first time in my life where I truly feel I could never look at her again for what she has tried to do to me...I sit and think what it would be like to get a chance to sit and talk with her....I get sick thinking about it...I am sure she will stop at nothing until I lose...but most people are betting on me. So now I have 2 weeks to get my strength back...today was one of the first days where I felt normal...like I used to be...but that was before the police station...now i feel totaly drained. I may write more but I may just pass out.