The Truth...

The truth....it all come down to it. I woke up this morning still confused. What else is new. I guess it's because I am remembering everything that has gone on and trying to find the answer within it. I know one reason why she won’t talk to me and that's because she is scared....but not of me. I think she is more afraid of herself, and knowing the decision she made was wrong. Reason I say this is because for the first 3 weeks of her leaving she was angry and upset over everything, and it was still Tina. But somewhere after that it seems like she closed her self off. Like she was pushed into making this decision. It may have been people she met with the same type of story, or maybe someone else. I guess the reason I say this, is because all of this hatred, anger is very uncalled for. It wouldn't be if I was really a monster. But she has tried to make all of this out to be I am obsessed over her. I am not, and I will continue to defend that. Just because I still sit and write about her does not mean I am obsessed. It only means I still care and love her. There is no crime in that or no harm. Being obsessed is constantly trying to find out what she is doing, or emailing her or calling...I have left her quiet alone to figure things out. On the other hand I am still going to fight to see my kids. I am their father and have always been good to them, and it showed when I saw them. This is why I said it will all come down to the truth. I know deep down it still could very well be over for good, but Tina did mention to people she didn't trust anyone. Even if she is starting to trust some people, the advice she has been given is wrong. I am just hoping she sees that sometime down the road. If she could only talk to me now she would see a different side of me. I am sure it was the side she has always wanted to see. This might have been a whole lot easier on her and the kids and myself if she just only took a break. But it has more of an impact on the kids, which hurts me. They don't need to go through something like this, and it wasn't their daddy who put them through it. No matter what ever happened with Tina and I never used the kids. And despite what she has claimed against me, well a lot of people know since we moved into this house things did improve, and she even agreed with me on occasions that living in a basement apartment had affected us both, and that's why we had are up's and down's. When we moved here life did get better, that there is no question. But we did have an argument here and there, which is normal in any relationship. I just want to know who, and why someone would push her to do all of this and leave....even go for full custody, that is what really does not make sense. Maybe her new friend Tracy that Kiara talks about is one of them, who knows I am only speculating. But one things is for 100% sure, I know I wasn't that bad to push her to do all of this. If I came home and beat her and the kids, or always came home yelling and screaming yeah ok....but I never did. My soul is torn apart inside because of what she thinks of me right now, and her "Decision"...because of what she made me go through for almost a month of haven't made a decision yet, and keeping me hanging, to taking my kids away....that is an extreme change....so that's why I think she was pushed....she isn't a mean person, and she never has been. The Tina I know if it was over, she would have gone to her families, then maybe called and said things were over, and we would have talked about joint custody....but she hasn't or didn't....and she is still in a shelter from what I understand. Most people would give up after a certain point, but they probably would if things made 100% sense....none of this makes sense...and believe me I have sat and thought about everything. And to think I have been loyal and faithful all through out this, even looking at someone else makes me fell sick inside. So even if it is over for good, I don't think I could ever be with another. She is and was my should mate, the children we made together are my flesh and blood. Oh and if I didn't really care for my kids, then it would not have taken me 4 days to be able to do what I did. If I got a lawyer I would have had to pay $2000 to just file the papers, let alone the hourly rate. But I did everything like a lawyer would do and did not cost me a thing pretty much. I went there to defend myself and the best interests of my kids....and besides that I had nothing to hide, and didn't need someone to defend something I never did. If I did get a lawyer, we would have lost everything. So I did this in the best interest of my kids, and "FAMILY". Even reading over her complaints does not even seem like her at all...She doesn't even sound motherly, nor did she look it. Maybe she is lost in the mind, maybe "Tina" is scared inside and a new person inside of her came out to protect the inner Tina, almost like a split personality....but not....Tina was always gentle with the kids, and good natured, and an activist...and a health buff...now it seems quiet the opposite. True love waits, true love cares and understands...true love fights for what is right....an obsessed person would stalk, hunt, always trying to find out what she is doing...always trying to find ways at seeing her....I haven't done any of that at all...the only thing I am guilty of is trying to keep a family together...for my kids, myself and her. Because how everything is happening is not right at all, and she knows it and I am sure if I did get a chance to talk to her, it may wake her up...again it may not...but I am sure when the kids went home with her that's all they talked about was how much fun they had...and I am hoping it chipped away at her wall she has put up. I am willing to wait for as long as it takes for them to come back home...the kids need a stable home to live in...they need their mommy and daddy full time...everyday...they need their beds, and friends...we need each other. In today’s times there is too much separating for nothing, when all of the problems can be fixed. Ours could be. Maybe she doesn't want to, but then why say the words she said? Why? that is the only real thing I would like answered...because to this day those words still warm my heart, and I wish she would have said something like that in the past, because it would have changed the dynamics of our relationship entirely, no question...funny, I just read an email from a client whom I have told our life story too...and I mean from day one till just yesterday, and I was un bias too...I laid everything out...even he agrees this is something that is confusing, and also that someone has potentially put things in her mind...so how do you wake someone up from that? Even he agrees if she wanted out she could have done joint custody...why use the kids?!?! Pictures do not lie, and when they saw me they were excited as anything....and if they were scared of me, would they not have had a hard time doing anything with me? No they wouldn’t have. This is why I am afraid the lies she has spoken will only hurt her more. I do have what I need to discredit her and so far with the pictures of how happy my kids were with me is a good chunk. She has to think for herself, and look at the big picture. I am starting to think maybe she has put her trust in someone, but unfortunately it may have been put into someone who is untrustworthy. I on the other hand could have done anything and everything to misplace her trust while she has been gone...I could have destroyed her property, not paid her bills that would mess up her credit...I could have done so many things...but I didn't, and also what really hurts me is the fact everyone keeps saying I care more for her then the kids...NOT TRUE! No one really knows but her and I what is going on....not even her lawyer, or her new friend Tracy....and I am scared the courts will see she has lied, and I do not want her to get in any trouble....but then again I am not going to let her take my babies away from me. This is why I am so confused.....she used to be strong minded, why is she so weak? She can say she is now, but I don't believe it...most people don't right now...and most people aren't mad at her for what she is doing, but more confused, and sad that she is doing this. God Tina, please wake up for Dre and Kiara and me....you know we had good times and a good family...yes I know there were trust issues, but I think since we have had a 2 month break and it's on going, trust has grown to some degree....unless you have done things that would break my trust...but I don't think so...because there are still so many things you could have done to make things "Final" and you still haven't yet...I guess I am waiting for that to know for sure. Oh, side note...if you think I am obsessed with her, I am not...because the only pics that are still visible are pics of the kids, and a few of us as a family..."Family Picture" everything else is hidden...and I do realize I have repeated myself about the obsession thing, and the only reason being for that....is because that is what she has been saying...or told to say. I know I will never find or be with another like her...nor would I want to find someone else to replace her...I always said we were soul mates, our souls are lost now...and I am sure she has her moments of missing me...her soul that is...and even if we do not get back together, I will remain alone and single, obviously with my kids....but it would make me happy knowing I will remain faithful till the day I pass on. It sounds stupid, I know....but if people really cared for one and other it's not stupid...even if she met someone else down the road, it would not change anything on my side...cause at least I would have known I was the overall loyal and faithful one. ..yeah maybe stupid, and maybe everyone is right to just forget about her because of how cruel she has been...and they all ask why I am taking such abuse and punishment from her....I guess it's because I have known her for 9 years, and this just isn't her...even if she wasn't mad anymore and knew what she wanted...it still isn't her....I don't think she understands no one wins at this...especially the kids...and another thing on that...they claimed I cared nothing for the kids, yet I did everything I could to stay in contact with them...even sending them Easter e-cards and she never let them look at them. My mom is worried about her, and not even mad which I still can't figure out why...I mean after 9 years of her always going to my mother with problems, and my mom never taking sides...which is I guess why Tina always leaned on my mom for support....was very cold and abrupt with her....and in the end of the phone convo hung up on her...not once in nine years has she done that to my mom...it crushed her...because my mom thinks Tina hates her now...my mom still loves her and is confused by everything....we have all concluded that it was around the 1st week of April when she decided to do something...or when her mind changed...I am going to do everything I can to rescue my babies, including Tina...it may be a long road to go and a hard fight to fight...but if everyone were to give up on something they truly believed in, no one would ever be happy. Anyway I’ll write more later...I got to get smokes and some other stuff...all I know is I have never been in this much pain before...ever...I do feel like an empty shell...and she has taken a good part of me with her... :-( but no matter what she does or will try to do to me...I know it's not her...so therefore I can't hate her for it...