2006 comes to an end...as 2007 comes in...

Well I should have celebrated last post...it was my 100th..not that it matters. So here i am..New Years Eve...by myself. Feels really odd and strange...and lonley. But it's for the better, I need the solitude to think, grow, learn. 2007 for me will be monumental, so I have to be ready. I have to be ready emotionally, physically & mentally. I am finally in my new place and 80% unpacked...LOL..bedroom is storage for now...I should have moved in June, but I listened to Mark when he said it was a good idea to keep the house...so that gave me the impression things were gonna pan out with you know who and I...and also it was pride...i wanted to show i could manage a house on my own...and had i not gone through the emotional and mental turmoil I was put through I could have done it. I have done a lot of thinking of where i'm going...and this past year has helped me see and taught me a lot about life, love and happiness....it has also taught me and shown me hatred, destruction, and sadness....I hate the feeling...but all of it has turned part of me to stone...part of my heart that will never beat again. But now feeling a big weight off my shoulders from moving has helped...i've been healing faster then I thought. Don't get me wrong....i occasionally get those dreams I used to get in the beginning...and still feel the whip across my chest...but no more fear...I got to where I am in life all by myself...so I can do it...now the question is how far do I want to take myself? I will settle for nothing less then all the way. So 2007 no mistakes...8 mins till...I will continue the fight for my kids...and will have a grip like a bulldog to never give up the fight for them....I miss them sooooo much it's not funny. My place is plasterd with nothing but pics of me and the kids...Ugghhh, I wish I had time to really get into what i've done, thought of....but 6 mins to midnight...I want this posted at 11:59pm...So anyway, I will get back to basics...do what I know and work from there. I know once I get momentum it won't stop...it's just getting the momentum...I've had it before but been to scared to take the ride. I'm not scared anymore...I'm ready to take that ride. So when you look back at this next year...provided your still blogging..let's see where you are. Anyway 3 mins till 2007...and as much as I am happy...i have a few tears rolling down my face...as i do wish things were back to the way they were...I do miss her...I know i'm sick...lol....Happy New Year

Day after the most lonely day...

Yup...x-mas...by myself, for the first time. I tried sleeping through it. I saw my babies on Saturday and won't see them for 2 weeks again because the center is closed down. The kids got me 3 gifts...one of which I will cherrish dearly. The others were nice gifts, but I know their mother picked it out for them. We had a good time but the visit was cut short by 1/2 hr...I cried on my way home because i knew it was the last time i would see them till next year. From the time i got home till today I didn't pick up the phone...didn't do very much. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, but life truly does not even feel right...I mean we didn't even have a white x-mas...no snow!!! A lot went on this december...to much then i care to go through again. Tamara writting me...Carolyn writting me last week..I don't know who I am anymore...I feel like everythign i worked for in life wasn't worth it...and being alone on x-mas helped me think a little...while i was awake...but didn't come to any conclusion...just more hurting and scaring. I don't feel I am worth it...I feel I will be utterly alone for the rest of my life...the lies that are being spread about me continue...Do the good people really finish last? Was this in my cards all along? Do I have another purpose in life that I don't see yet? All I know is I remain a faithful person...I have tried to date...talk, chat with other girls but can't. I feel dirty and wrong for doing so...WHY!?!?!?! I WANT TO KNOW!!!! If things are over... "Final" as the decision was stated...why am i so scared and scarred to do anything? Was this how it was supposed to play out? All I know is this...people can hide behind thier lies for so long, before one person slips and says things they weren't supposed to let out...or under the sheer pressure of the walls closing in can make a person buckle. It has started...and with Tamara's email..and other stuff I was told is going to help me in the end...but for now I must take the continual abuse...and when i say continual i mean it...it's an everyday thing. It's not something you can avoid, especially when you have 2 kids who you have had a routine of hearing them wake up, watching them play...laugh, cry...I don't have that anymore. Where is that gift beyond the problem? because I don't see it.

I'm coming back...slowly...but I am coming back ;-)

Well I think by march I should be back where I left off last year...I am ramping up...slowly but surly. It's taken me a while to get back into the groove of things...but...I guess cause of my move and a lot of life's changes it's helped allot. I may even hit budget this month :-) Take a look why, the whole sales floor got the email and I was freaking happy about it. :-)...sorry it may be hard to read...working on a solution ;-)...but my name is highlighted in blue as well on the right hand column I am the third one down in Red. :-)

Well Monday was the start...

Well my Mom, Bill and my Grandparents came and saw the kids...man it was very emotional...i kept going to the bathroom for a quick cry...I can't stay on but just wanted to upload their School pics that I never got copies of...only my Mom...none for my Grandparents or anyone else in my family...not even thier class picture...Goes to show how evil and cruel some people can be. Anyway here are my babies...man they are growing soooooo fast :-) I will write more soon though to let you know about my place...and other stuff that's gone on.

Wow....all I can say is wow!!!!

I got the place!!!!!!!! My review went amazing and its thundering and lightening right now :) Here take a look...keep in mind it's just before 1pm in the afternoon on December 15th...and I am not wearing a jacket :-P

You can contact me at 5142927907
Vous pouvez me joindre au 5142927907

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This is the new begining....(Con't)

I didn't get the call yet for my place...but the remorse is setting in...seeing everything for what it really is...I am also looking for a new job...I may have one already. I am sending my CV in tomorrow...what my intention is, is to totally blow my month out of the water ....then hand my letter of resignation...I do not and will not let them have the last laugh...they are getting loads of it by moving me to a desk away from everyone...this is what i go through everyday...from being a well like person always full of enrgy and life to a hermit in a corner...like how people look at bums on the street...ask me how i do it?...I have no idea...excpet for dregan and Kiara...because they love me unconditionally...or untill they too get brainwashed which is slowly starting and it is evident...I'm not sure if i mentioned it but Tamara finally admitted to being one of the people who DESTROYED my life and family...here take a read...oh last thing before i throw it in...Things are starting to come together now...all the pieces...everything...and I just can't wait to sit there at the top of the mountain again and look down and show I was right about everything from the get go. So here is her little email to me, and at some points in the email...LOL...meh...just read:

Dave,

Hi, I know you hate me and all but I think that we need to make a truce for your mothers sake. Christmas isn't going to be the same cause all us kids aren't going to be there. I know that I did some wrong but so did you and I think that we need to at least be able to be civil with one another. We are family like it or not and I think that family should always forgive each other for their mistakes. I'm not asking for us to be close as can be but to at least be able to sit in the same room with each other.

I guess that is all i really have to say and I'm sorry for the wrong I have done and I'm hoping that you feel the same way. We have known each other for way too long to let all of this end any friendship that we may have had.I have not contacted you till now because i figured you wouldn't want to hear from me. And I'm sure you still dont but I thought that I would at least give it a try. I am sorry and hope that we can maybe get over this someday.

I dont know if you got the e-mail from me about your neice that was born 11/28/2006 but I hope you got it. I would like you to meet her some day.

Tamara

---

Off to school, going on a trip, or moving? Windows Live (MSN) Messenger lets you stay in touch with friends and family wherever you go. Click here to find out how to sign up!

This is the new begining....

Well...I have been keeping this secret for a while, and well...it's gonna come out sooner or later. But I'm moving...I can't afford it anymore...I tried with every ounce of blood sweat and tears to make it...to at least keep something "I" worked hard for to "Give" to well...I have looked at a few places, we'll see. I am hoping to be in my new home by this weekend. I have people helping me pack while I work to help make it go faster...since I would do nothing but take every piece that's left and dwell. LOL...I would never get outta here if i did it all on my own...would be too painful. So I asked them to take any pictures they stumble on and put them away in a place where I can't happen to accidentally see them...but the pictures you do see are my kids and nothing but. No matter where i look...weather be it my phone, cubicle...wallpaper on my desktop..there is that famous picture everyone has commented on not just from family...but from strangers saying it is the most loving picture they have ever seen..

....Thank You

lyrics - no apologies

I found this oddly appropriate...

Artist: Blink-182 Lyrics
Song: Stay Together For The Kids Lyrics

It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all.
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost.
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them every day
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and this is what
she wants
Then why is there so much pain?

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost

Hmmmm.....Life does throw curve balls.

Ok now I sit here at a loss for words...LOL...i just spoke with someone out of the blue for 10 mins online and 10 mins on the phone...i am not saying anything ...lol..i am still in shock...Before I say more...i'm thinking to wait lol till after the weekend or to see what happens next before i say anything more...i do not want to jinx this. :-)

Lunch time...

Well here i sit at lunch waiting for 1pm to roll around...i am glad i am starting to write again...my fear is slowly going away...it's noce to see the amount of support i get when i see my kids at the center...Like i mentioned to chantal when we are there we stick out like a sore thumb...what i mean is we don't look like we need to be there...because something i do the parents follow suit, or try the same thing i do...lol..i am not saying it in vain either, it was just something i noticed. One time a monther thoughti wokred there...lol..mind you I do help clean up and organize things as if i was working there..i also try and make the setting easy for my kids too. As much as i like the people there i think it's almost time to stop all of this...If i was an evil person like i have been depicted as then i would have fallen flat on my face...been arrested..something...but for over 7 months i have been the same...well the same plus the fear of being forced to believe i was evil...but other then thatbeen doing what i can to move on. One thing i noticed though...since I have been separated...the day that is I no longer smoke...i do have the occasional cigarette, but i know now why i had that addiction...I guess i now why people are saying i will come out on top...maybe because i am doing this all on my own...where as others are hiding behind people by over exageratting lies and stories...that's what happens i guess. Now I am free to show the disbelievers, courts whomever that everything mentioned about me or my personality or anything about me being evil, harmful, controlling...is and was always false, and it was I whom was controlled...reason being...i was too afraid to do anything...in fear that I would get in trouble...god I can't wait to finish this book...maybe then i will have full complete closure. Anyway I have 25 mins left till i go back to work..will either write tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Weekend of reflecting....

Well i did a load of reflecting this weekend. Where i went wrong in life...where everything went wrong in life. I went and saw my kids on Saturday and when i went to do Dregans homework i noticed he is leaving out his other last name...My last name...I even asked Dre why...he said he forgot how to spell it...I almost cried but kept my composure. Now it is becoming more and more clear as each day passes, that i never did anything to harm anyone. It is scary to see how it's easy for someone to hold the power to destroy someone life based off lies...and fear...and knowing now this was alll set up...what does a person do to redeem himself? Well i have the answer to that one, but keeping it to myself. One thing i can mention is i am writting a book. Why? well maybe it's because i am tired of hiding the real truth about how things went on...look I have never ever claimed to be perfect. But living a life of fear...and i mean for 7 months i have been afriad to say anything...to talk to anyone, to do anything in fear of retaliation which does happen frequently...only when i see my kids now. But i was lead to believe for this long that i was this mean evil person who was abusive, like a drunk would be when he got home from work...but i was the opposite...when my book is finished you will see how things developed the way they did and you will finally see the truth for what it is...and maybe then can i redeem myself and finish building a life i started to create and come out on top like a lot of people are telling me. But...i do have certain rules i do have to abide by...like for now untill my charges are aquitted in June i cannot say or mention certain things...it could be in breach of my conditions...but as long as i write about the past and nothing about todays event's (for the time being) then that is what I will be doing...not sure if it will be an online book or something i wll eventually get published. I am not going to sit back and let my name be destroyed...i will get back what I lost.

PLANNED.......Finally closure....

Now I have my closure....I just found out tonight after still ingering in anguish and pain from my loss of my family...and as much as i have tried to move on everyday i get the lashings across my chest of pain....untill tonight....I found out my best friend had heard from her and she had said it was the hardest decision she has ever made and does not want to know anything about my situation nor does she want to let him know...he seems to think it was plannned and planned for a while to...right down to setting him up that morning...I was getting very weak up untill now...losing grip of everything...because of only seeing my kids 3hrs a week, mind you I get them for 4hrs tomorrow :-) ...but it still weakens you...Knowing now what I know...now gives me the right and reason to not budge and stand my ground and push harder....this just proves it was done out of malice and hatred...now I know her true intention...and one intention only is to see me gone and out of her life forever, to the point where we will never ever cross paths or even get a glimps of each others face...and there shows no care for the fact my kids love me...and that will never change...Life has finally become clear, and my heart granted permission to let go...my soul to forget...time for the real healing to start...My eyes are open and i am ready...ready for the hardest challenge of my life...one that I will not fail or lose...because now i see how truly evil people can really be...and how they care nothing but themsleves...and lie to destroy another human being because of their unhappiness within them...Dregan, Kiara I will see you soon Daddy loves you :-) and soon we will be together again...I feel vindicated tonight...liberated...knowing now that this was planned...because now the pieces of the puzzle are almost complete to this painful lesson in life and love...but now i can safley say i never really new my ex...and the funny thing is, recently i have slowly started to forget what she looked like...and there is not one picture of her around...only of my kids...and if one turns up my heart would ache and i would have to put it away in the box of lost memories...don't get me wrong...I am not angry, vengeful, hateful or anything like...no no...not my thing...i am very happy now the spinning is stopping and knowing what the real game is...so i can play, and i am playing to win...wow...lol...i am really taken back in a way by what i am finding out...and knowing my step sister knew about this before hand as well...the players of the game are coming into play now...i just don't get it...why? There was no abuse..yes arguing...up's and downs...that is the last piece to the puzzle...so now thinking back to March 7th...her sitting on the couch looked up and said those famouse words.. "Why would I throw away 9 years worth of investment"...and "I have never been unloyal or unfaithful to you in 9 years, why start now?" ...those are key...because now i am thinking one of three things...one..my first instinct was right...and the whole co-worker thing was a set up to get the argument starting...because i was asked to thak him for ruining a "happy family" or that day when i went on google on the laptop she uses only Lavalife was in the serach field, and everyone knows it can only appear when you type it in...she denied it and anything of it...or three she was convinced it was the right thing to do by god nows who...but i am sure we will know in the end...well sorry for the long blab....i had to vent and noticed i haven't written in a long while...been doing alot, was trying to keep myself occupied so i didn't think...thinking kills ya...so anyway i am off to get ready for bed...and a new begining...i will probably write alot more now...about my nine year past...i figured i have to respect certain conditions so i figured talking about my past is not out of lines. Nite kids xoxoxo

By the way...spelling might suck...didn't do a spell check on this one lol

Funny isn't it....

I know...and I am not going to say it either, but at least I am trying. Well since I have returned to work not all that much has gone on...I kept my job...that's a bonus. I had to tell Carolyn I could no longer talk to her anymore...it killed me to do it, but by continuing to chat with her only fueled the pain...and it wasn't her, ,but just the thoughts and memories of the past and it made it very difficult to move on. I did have a roommate for a couple of months, Kristy...but 2 things that spoiled it, one...she did not pick up after herself at all...dishes..clothes, I mean you name it she didn't do it. Then it came down to when she met my brothers friend Shaun...they got together and he was here 90% of the time and near the end basically took over my house and I couldn't take it. They would not use discretion when it came to being intimate. So last Monday I asked her to leave. Might not have been the best decision I have made, but in retrospect it is...I have to leave this house...too many hurtful memories...good ones too. I have started to pack..3 BOXES!!!..lol....yeah right, not even the tip off the ice burg. Other then my personal life my kids are freaking awesome, but the signs of this are showing in them...Kiara is still mildly sick, and her teeth are all rotting. Dregan is starting to have issues with his temper and hurting Kiara...I guess it's a matter of time before people start to realize it's been her all along...but I guess that's what really has to happen? What I mean to say is, it's normal for society to make a false judgment until it's too late...it's common practice and I see it everyday...most but not all do. Other then that they are good...we have done some face painting, art, and I even have school stuff for them to do :-) She is not going to win...I pray everynight to pictures of my kids to ensure them that it is not over by a long shot...and they will have their daddy again no matter what. What is being done is heinous, spiteful, aggressive and showing no care or love or consideration for my kids...now all of the lies she has spouted are coming to light...The people at the center are starting to see it now over the past month...even to the effect that she said again she wants no more pictures taken of the kids cause I am posting them? LOL...so they asked her to bring in proof....she didn't...she had an excuse of something like she couldn't access it or print it...but she folded on her claims...I even found out from Kiara who in fact told the counselor the "Mommy grounded me for face painting"...I over heard that and asked the counselor what she had said, she repeated and I was in disbelief. One good thing, well yeah it is a good thing...but I was approached by someone from the national film board and want me to be in a documentary...I said yes 150% YES! But I guess the reason why I titled this entry the way I did was simple...Nov 2nd I go back to criminal court, they may drop it due to significant contradictions in her story...that's why if your going to lie, do not elaborate...cause your story will change, and we both laughed...because after I apparently beat her up and knocked her out, we had a smoke together...and I also found out because of what she wrote that my step sister has been involved since day one...and lied to me, my mother and her father...I know now I am not the one to blame anymore, and I am not crazy or violent...that I do know for a fact now. On another good note well sort of...I was given the opportunity to fly down to Tempe Arizona to submit and present a proposal to re-brand the SRT committee. I did one presentation over the phone for my initial proposal, and the next one will be via web broadcast in front of the whole senior management...That in itself is a full accomplishment. I turned down the offer to fly out..2 reasons, my kids and the fact I am chicken to fly. Other then that I am 95% back on my feet...there are still some wounds left to heal, ,but they are mending fast. All I do know my eyes are all on the Nov 2nd court case...once I get through that and my name cleared, I am going full force for FULL custody of my kids period, and will not rest or never stop until I do...and I am sure there are many people out there not wanting the real truth to be told...so I guess that's one reason why I have not blogged in a while...too many prying eyes, and every time I do...a cop knocks on the door or something bad happens to me. This will be the hardest fight ever in my life...but so help me god I will not lose...my kids are my life, with out my kids I have a huge void that I can not seem to close, no matter what I do. My kids are my life and taking them away is an evil and violent act towards them and myself and will not go without proper legal punishment. Regardless if what happens in January, even if I get weekends..I will continue the fight...then I will get joint...then again I will continue the fight until I get them home where they belong and where they want to be, because I have never ever seen my kids look so sad in my life and it does not even show that people care. I will not rest until they are home...enough said.

I know.....long time no write...

Well...I guess it has been sometime since I last wrote eh? Well a lot has gone on since and have not had much time. LOL...you may freak out on what has gone on since, I still am. To start off...well since there was construction holiday I missed seeing Dregan & Kiara for the 2 weeks which has been severely rough. Our last day we had a blast...I have some video that I will try and upload at a later time. As for work...LOL...well needless to say My first week back was good, did 10k 3 days in a row...but get this...first thing, I noticed that almost every Monday something happens...and it's always bad...So She came to get her stuff...it was a mixed emotional day...I called Kristy and Dan to come over as witnesses and I am glad I did, cause her lawyer was saying I was obstructing justice and was getting in the way...not true..I was in my office the whole time, and I got proof on that one. Then I had court and again "Postponed" until the 24th of October. So it has been pretty rough, but I have been coping. So let's see...she also took the car, the 2 kittens...bookcase...basically most of her stuff...she still has clothes (winter ones) left. She even took my modem from Bell that I am paying for...the cable box..movies that weren't hers...I mean the list goes on...then she tells her lawyer that I was not co-operating and was being aggressive...hence why I brought witnesses. I have so much more to write about what's been going on....but no time...Oh yeah...never guess who came over 2 days ago? Someone whom I have not seen in 9 years...and was chillin with him just before I met "Her". It's weird cause he said I have come full circle...and the person was Corey. I will for sure write more soon...you will be floored as too how I have been progressing and the event's that have happened to me to get me stronger.

Long time no write....

Yeah I know...it's becoming more and more less frequent that I am writing. I don't know why...well no..I do know why...I guess as much as it has helped me move on to some degree...I still don't understand...well I do know that my hurt is not over, and it will continue...but I just don't get why...none of it makes sense really...or does it? Could it be I am the only one in the dark about everything in order for her to protect herself? Either way if she is it will only prove to me that she lied, and has always lied to me...if she isn't trying to protect herself then she was pushed and persuaded...and I will never ever forgive those who altered her mind and destroyed a family. We weren't the brady bunch...no way...but we did have a bond...a click...But it's been hard not writing because I have not seen my kids in 2 weeks. This time it was the bus schedules..and then missing the train...first there was no bus apparenlty because of Canada Day...but how could the train run? Same transportation company...I cried for a bit then came home...it was a bad Canada Day for me. I did start back to work and it was nice to see people again. I booked about twleve hundred dollars first day back...even on a day where most of my clients would be out. Should be quiet though for the rest of the week. Anyway I should get to bed for a good night sleep for work. I'll catch up on some more news later...just wanted to give you a quick update.

Guess I was wrong...but right?

Ok this is nuts...Her Lawyer again is postponing the trial...It's obvious now it is out of fear, and out of the sheer fact they know she isn't ready to have an evaluation done on herself...because if she was it would have been done already. I made some calls and found out the file has never been given in to the psycho social experts. But after today I am going to try and get it set up for myself...I have nothing to hide or fear. Either way I am not worried anymore. Every single cent I make is going towards getting them back home. It may be shared custody in the end, but god willing they are living with me. I am ending this "Game" once and for all...my kids are suffering and so am I...all at the expense of you know who. But at least by me pushng for it, it makes me look better. It's funny though...cause when you say emergency you would think it's urgent right? Well explain this...we have been doing this since May 3rd...and it's still being postponed...is that a sense of urgency for you? I think not.

wow...it all comes down to this week....

Well it all comes down to this week I guess. I met with my lawyer and she is amazing. She listened and it felt good to tell the story and the truth of what happened. I met with her for about 2 1/2 hrs. I gave her everything she needs and then some. All I know is after meeting with her I have a better feel of what the outcome may be...but I could be wrong. I have quite a bit to back me up and alot more ammo if need be. I just don't want to play all my cards now. I know if this becomes a long battle in the end i will win...but it will take some time. Which at this point I have. And since I am going back to work and nothing else to work for but myself...I am focusing all my money and efforts on getting my babies back full time with me. I am not going to stop untill I win. they mean too much to me to just give up. Anyway I have things that need to be done today..Doctors...clean...and also get more stuff for my lawyer. So between now and next monday...wow I will be so freaking busy it won't be funny. Anyway I will for sure write more later, and I am sorry for not writting a whole lot as of late but alot has gone on, and I have been so super busy....not sure if it's a good thing? We shall see.

When it rains it pours...

This is just so unreal...I was told my meeting was between 12:30pm and 3:30pm today to see the kids...then I find out she already showed up and is on her way back to where she is staying. I a mbreaking...I have nothing left...if nothing good comes out of Tuesdays court date then I am giving up. Not on my kids but myself. This has nothing to do about the love I have for my children at all...I would die for either of them in a heartbeat, no question about that...why owuldI give up on myself? Well I stunbled on more pictures of us and the happy times we had...I even found a picture of her and I when i graduated from EPOC...Everyone now is telling me I should start to hate her for her being so spiteful...but as much as I try the more I hurt...God if there was an angel up there listening...please change time...go back to march for me...Dregan's b-day prefferably...with the knowledge of whatI know now...so I can change the future...make things right and better for everyone...I have no fight left...but I always say that...so why is it that I find the one little ounce of energy to fight...God please help.

Good News???

Ok this is where I just don't get it...I called my lawyer to ask a few questions and she has not been in...but this guy answered and said he reconized me from last Thursday when I called. He said she was working hard on my case and that she spoke to the judge and apparently she has really good news? God...like I said to jess and everyone...once this is all said and done and if I do win, I will be so much stronger then her going forward...I have taken a 3 month beating...everything and anything you can imagine has happened to me...I am very confused right now...sort of...so I am trying to let it digest...and not trying to to get my hopes up to high...cause it smells the same...what I mean is that I have had things said like this before but ends up not being what I think....but maybe...just maybe there is a God...and my own special angel listening, watching and seeing my heart and words are true...and just maybe my wish has and will be answered? I can only just continue to pray...CAUSE I AM A GOOD FATHER...and there is no one on this planet who will ever tell me different...except for my 2 precious babies...Dregan & Kiara....and to this date...Daddy is the BEST!

Postponed again......

I'll write later...but OMG!!!...freaking fiasco...I got in a while ago...phone got fixed..YAY!!!! so now I wanna shower, eat and decompress.

1 day to go....

Well tomorrow is the day...may be postponed..may not be...not sure yet what to expect, but the anxiety is building. I'm not totally worried about what will happen...well part of me is...but I have what I want to happen in mind..and if it goes at least the minimum I want then all should be cool...but it will be a hard 48 hrs...today and tomorrow. I crashed out early last night to get my sleep back in order...I woke up before 9am...so that's a start...It sucks though...cause had I stayed at work, I would be stressing as much about bills...but in a way I didn't have a choice...it's mixed...some people agree with me taking time off to sort through stuff, but on the other hand things still have to be paid and done...but honestly I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to work since everything I worked so hard for in life disappeared....coping is hard sometimes. I thank you all who have emailed me to wish me luck & support :-) I'll write more later today after I get some things accomplished.

And again they try...

Well it's been a day, and needless to say again someone has been trying to find my site...but this time even going to the length of putting in her name, Dorval and Dregan in the search field...it showed 3 resutls...one was to my space...and the other 2 were broken links to my old one...or old address. Google helped me move it intact so I was happy about that :-) I am trying to move on and forget...I want my kids and nothing more...but I also want peace...inner peace with everything...i have contimplated posting the screen capture I took of what I found...it is relevant to alot...if you look or click on the image where it shows Search Words...it clearly shows someone using Dregan Tina , and Dorval...I am surprised though they didn't use Kiara too...ok I just did and it narrows it down big time to 3 links...same. I dunno...I don't mind if people read my writtings....but some people try and us them against me....so it makes me hesitate to write sometimes....anyway thought you would be interested...I know other people will....I am not sure who is doing this or why...but as much as it's a pain in the butt I won't stop writting about what goes on in my day.

Animal farm day with the kids :-)

Well what can I say....what a day. It was fun, and we had a blast...so much that everyone commented and complimented on how close the kids were with me and how well they listened. They saw lots of animals and were able to pet some too. Kiara Loved the baby bunnies :-) It sucks cause there would have been a lot of nice pics, but since you know who says they are wrong and offensive and inappropriate I am not allowed, but I am getting that fixed as well as everything else soon. But the only sad part of the day is when Dre lost his game I bought him...I have never ever seen him that sad before...He started to cry and so did I...He kept telling me it was his favorite game and it was special to him...and when he said that I started to ball...so we looked for almost 1.2 hr for it...the whole park...but couldn't find it. When we got back and when it was time for them to go, I hugged them both got big kisses from them...and when the councellor came back in she said how you know who got pissed off at Dregan for bringing his game and he should have known better...she asked me if you know who was always like that and I didn't give a huge answer, but I did say he would hear more about it later and may get grounded...So I am going to make a special extra gift for him...I am sure he is gonna love it as always. :-) Work is coming up soon...and it seems everyone is anxious for me back. :-) I have been getting trickles of emails from clients and co workers...so that in itself has helped a bit. :-) Since the Dregan and Kiara were not able to draw me pics on Saturday I have the paintings they did last week that I just scanned...If you look closly at Dregans drawings he always has clouds in them..with rain...he never drew like that before...anyway hope you enjoy, I know now they get their artistic side from me. ;-)

Dregan's Boat


Dregan's Hangman Game


Kiara's Butterflies

It's things like this...

"Dreams can't break, they begin and end, then begin again"
Author:Unknown

Tired...

I was talking to someone and they sent me a song...Alice in Chains..."Alone" and it's freaky...seems alot of people are going through the same thing at the same time...I have talked to a lot of random people online and off...the pain is the same but it's ho we take it...I guess you can say I am not taking it well...lol..but hey...I'm doing my best :-) I mentioned the word sting to someone, and that is a good fit to how it feels thinking there will never be...listening to this song is like opening a floodgate of emotions...it's good though...I want it all out...I mean ughhhh...like I ask Paul before I crashed out...I asked him if I would be ok?....he said yeah you will Dave...then I said to him I was scared...he had nothing to say back except I know you must be....he sees it in my eyes...god life can get so messed up in one second. Anyway this is probably one of the first time I actually have tears almost going down my face...lol...chat later.

Early Morning...

Well I actually woke up at a reasonable hour. Mind you I think it was the kids at school that did it. I think it's getting closer to them ending school so they are outside and man they are really excited today. :-) Then I started thinking of Dre cause he goes there and how much fun he would have been having...God I miss them...and I know you know. My head again and heart this morning are hurting...filled with unpleasant thoughts...thoughts of old memories (good ones)...just everything...and believe me I try every day to get it out of my mind and focus on something else...but it's not easy at all..in fact it's next to impossible. I know it's over with her and I...I do know this...but why do I feel somewhere down the road things might happen again? But then I look at everything that has happened and say how? How could we? Maybe it's just me...I don't know...all I know is I pray everynight this never would have happened...I guess you always realize after how much something really means to you. But I did appreciate what I did have...but maybe not enough?

Woah...

I can't even begin to describe what I am thinking or feeling right now...I mean, seriously I have no words for it...I told someone tonight I could and never would ever speak to her again, not even a look...but did I mean it? I get every single person telling me things will be ok, and things will work out in the end in favor for me...but why don't I see what they see? I feel like a sleeping giant, still in slumber until I am awoken from my sleep...is that when I will regain all my strength? Everyone one said I had it before and still do have it...I just got to turn on the switch I guess...but why aren't I? LOL...that's the million dollar question. My insides shake so much...my thoughts fill with dreadful fears...it's over yeah ok...but why the linger of pain? I am sooo very tired...I know I didn't do much but tidy up a bit and get a little more organized...but it's late...and again my mind again has won the night...where I sit and think...Love really sucks...it does...because you give your heart, life & soul to someone and yes you both may have challenges in your life that need to be dealt with, but ending a life like that...the way it ended was...wow...I mean how else am I supposed to describe it? It was and still is mind blowing. Having the certain someone room here is gonna help somewhat. Just to fill the void of an empty place. Until then get ready to go back to work...I am praying I can do this...and see how life treats me.

Learned something today I think...

I coulda swore I learned something new today...I guess more about me. But over the past week and a bit now..the phone has not stop ringing...and I mean by friends...and now it's to the point I have to try and juggle who I see...I am not trying to sound high on myself, but I am rather shocked...but then I realized something, I am scared to be myself...lol...I mean I guess all the attention I don't want right now...thought I did...I end up feeling guilty or wrong for hanging out...meh..where was I going with this...LOL..it's been a day...did the dishes..finishing up the laundry now...and to wait for my keys...LOL..anyway if I can remember where I was going with my thought I'll come right back to it.

Been a few days...

Well it has been a bit since I last wrote. Been doing a lot of reflecting again...soul searching...thinking...wow...so much had...so much gone...But now it's time for me to get back on track...I was off track for about a week...too much to take in. Seeing the kids on Saturday was freaking kewl...it was the best part of my week. :-) They had McDonalds for lunch which they were all over. ;-) They did some painting so I'll scan them and post them. Paul's been hanging out with me to help me out. He ducked out for a bit because everything got way too intense. Which I agree with. But now things are a little calmer...so he is coming by more often. It helps, and the kids love him like an uncle. He has been in their lives quite a bit. He feels like this is dream like as well...not really happening type thing...he is sad too about all of it. He loves us both and hates to see things or us go through this. That is a true friend. I have to go back to work in like 2 weeks...not sure how that's gonna turn out...I am not even sure I am ready to go back...too scared maybe...not sure what to do really. But with paul staying here it will help out on cash flow until i do go back. All I know is, life seems very different...out of place even. Anyway it's clean the house day...everysunday...not sure if i should do the lawn...it may rain and it's not that hot out...meh...I think next week should rather be interesting though...got a funny feeling....don't you just love it when I say that ;-)

Asking for more money....

Money money money....it's what it's all about...I just got a call to pay her another 30$...like WTF...she is shopping every weekend and does not have the hands to bring some of the kids stuff back with her....all the time this happens...like Dre's cars...Kiara's playdoh...Like this is complete crap...I am glad I found the renewed strength to fight this...and I am going to...and I am going to win...It's funny cause I really don't think certain people realize whom I have helping me...not only will i get a good portion of the pie...but i am also going to uncover all the lies...and who the liars are..and then get on with my life...be back in my succesful position...with my kids so they can live a normal happy life. Anyway I am going to eat...LOL...well my bro called...and no not Trev ;-) I'm going to see him after...but it's good to see my life getting better....only one thing left to complete. BOOM!! BOOM!!

Done deal!!!

Well it's a done deal...I got a roomate...this person knows my babies well so that part works out and they love this person to death...so that's a huge bonus...he/she will be moving in the 27th...they are finalizing things now as we speak. :-) So now 100% I am not losing or moving or getting ird of this house...I took huge steps forward to get this...I am NOT, taking 2 steps backwards. So my happiness is growing. :-) My only completion is getting my babies back FULL TIME!..no weekend stuff, I mean the full monty. Enough is enough with traumatizing them,,,I don't care what some people say about the fact they are in good hands...blah blah blah...I am their father, and I know what is better for them...it's not some Shelter...I have even noticed a change in them. :-( Anyway i'll come back after.

Locks being changed today...

Well I am changing the locks today because of things going missing...like my sunglasses that were Dregan's at one point but they were to big for him and since they broke my pair I started to wear them...other things have gone missing as well...but I am not getting into it. So it will be a fun one today...it's hot out there...Mostly Sunny & 27 degress...blah...the humidity is sick..but i got a nice cool basement if it get's to be too much...which I am so glad now I do not have to move...it was looking very grim...but now things are freaking fantastic....just got to get the momentum rolling, which it's starting...just got to keep it going. Anway i'll have more updates later on.

No way!!!!!!

I actually spoke to someone today...and I ain't gonna say who...just in case I have prying eyes that I don't want reading this...But it made me feel really really good. :-) LOL...ok this is too much...I just got off the phone with someone else...well not them per say but their mother...WOW! talk about getting your stuff back in gear...she was really happy to hear from me and sad by what I told her...she said I was a survivor and she knows it. :-) She is passing the message on to them and I hope I hear back from them soon...I think if I get all of this back...it will help me in a huge way...my strength will grow...my confidence will come back and so will my self esteem...Only time will tell...which sucks...But hey I got to roll with the punches...By the way...did I mention my step sister Tamara was pregnant?

June 21st.... D-DAY

Well it was postponed till the 21st of June. I am good with that since I will be getting a lawyer for the final day. I feel more confidednt then I did last night...maybe it was the stress of it...and I aw her and now I know she has been in the house since she left...she had clothes on that I know I hung up and put away...it's ok though...this is gonna give me the time and drive to end this once and for all. This is getting to be too nuts. I want my kids and that's all there is too it. Anyway I got there at like 9:30am...went in to register...said I was contesting and I wanted to postpone....her lawyer came up to me after and said she was renewing the court order which i was sort of ok with...and i could go and I had her word things would be status quo...I leff came home and made my calls. I am not giving in...I am gonna do my homework till then and completely win this hands down...I know I have enough evidence...that I am 100% sure of...especially when I hear it from official people. As for my feelings...well the are mixed...I guess part of me still cares and still wished this was all a dream...but the other part of me wants to just move on...and all it will take is one small event for it to happen...maybe I am stopping it? Who knows...I do know I have some renewed strength...and I am gonna win...she may have my blogs...lol...she may have "Pending Charges" against me....which in the end will be dropped, or dismissed...but the stuff I have completley relates to the well being of the children, and the proof to knock off all the allegations. I am not backing down nor willI be intimidated or scared anymore...They are my flesh and blood and someone is trying to keep them from me and take them away...if I was a bad father then why take so long? I mean I have soooo many questions...but these are for my lawyer...and they are questions that will be answered in court, and the lies will be uncovered.

Last thing to add...

I forgot something...just like "May 20th" My second time being arrested (for nothing) I even predicted it...so what I will show you is this...What i feel the outcome tomorrow will be is not postponement...but a loss..for me. Fine maybe for the time being...but I will lose...and once I get in tomorrow from all of it I will let yo know how it went...you will be utterly surprised...I won't cause I already know...but all of you who are reading this will be...to see how I am able to know this before hand...well let's just say I have had this for a long time...I even predicted everything that has happened since it all started March 8th...right down to cable being cut...I'm not some psychic, or nut case...and I don't see things...but it's an emotion...that's all it is...and I have been 99.9% right all of the time...so with that keep watching...I pray though that 0.01% chance i am wrong about all of it.

Unable to sleep...

Man...I can't sleep...no matter how hard I try...too many thoughts going through my head...some people told me to get mad at the situation...get mad at her for doing what she is and has done...but why can't I even do that?Therapist seem to think I am fine...Psychiatrists think the same...they say I am going through a normal transition in my life...but since I am also going through something huge it is not helping the matter. I am such a case now...what am I really scared of? I mean in all honesty I shouldn't be scared because of the pure fact I am not in the wrong...so what is it? Do you see what I mean...so many questions and no answers...maybe I am prolonging the fact tomorrow is gonna come weather I like it or not...and yeah I should get some sleep...but I know as soon as my head hits the pillow the dreams will start...god I hate dreams...Kids Daddy loves you...no matter what happens tomorrow I love you and always will...you both know that...and Daddy is really sorry Mommy & Daddy are not getting along right now...but we both love you dearly. Things will be ok soon, Daddy promises. Just remember both of us will always be here for you no matter what. Good night and I love you.

It all comes down to thoughts...

Man I don't think I have ever had this much of a problem sorting through things...I sat 9 hrs today doing nothing...well thinking....I told Jess I had 3 sides today...a very deep sad one...one where I wanted to just walk away and never look back...and well one...well..yeah......I am finding out crtain roles of this well done event...the poepl who backstabbed me, the people who said they were my friend and turned their backs on me...fuck what do i have to do lie to get people to not turn their backs on me? If that's the case no way...I am too good for that...but on the other hand I feel myself giving up...not caring about anything...as much as I am getting support, it's getting rough...I miss my kids so very much...I sometimes just sit in their rooms or in their play room, or even look at pics of us...Anyone who is readind...never take your relationship for granted...EVER! It's not worth it...it can lead to much worse then what I am going through...and the stuff I am going through is nuts...to over hyped for what really happened...but will I get my day? Will I get my day to ultimatley prove my innocence and get my children back? The way things look no....if I did i would still be very scared as to the reprecussions...so I sit here and I am shaking...I am so very scared about tomorrow...I have never been scared of much but this kills me...cause i know everything against me is a lie...but when you are one lone person fighting against an army the odds ain't all that great for you...in fact...they suck the bag...I am very sorry how things in the past 3 months have turned out...like a snowball rolling down hill getting bigger and bigger...until *BAM* it explodes...I know that my blogs are also going to be used against me...I don't care...I read and re-read it over and over, and there is nothing in here that shows anything...the only thing it shows is the confusion, hurt, and saddness...but unfortunatley people take things like this and twsit it all up to make it look different...but i do assure you of this...THIS BLOG IS SOLEY TO HELP ME COPE WITH ALL OF THIS, TRY TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND, THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS A SUICIDAL PORTAL, NOR A PORTAL TO BASH OR HURT OR EVEN "BREACH MY CONDITIONS" But some people will use it saying I am emotionally unstable or mentally unstable...LOL...I wish i was cause it would be alot better off for me...but I am not...I am just hurt and saddened that I am looked at now as a bad Father to my kids...hence supervised visitation...hence false charges of assault, and even "Best Friends" turn their back on you...and what I am supposed to smile about all of this...I think not...any normal person would feel the same way...but I am not a fighter...I hate fighting, it is counter productive...anyway I really have to figure out what to do...i'm scared.

He's home...

Lucky came home!!!!!! That made me feel a bit better...I would have for sure lost my mind if I lost him too...just wanted to update on that...going to nap now...I am emotionally drained.

It is the end of the road for me....

If things could not get any worse they did...Lucky is gone...He took off out of the house...he has gone out on his own before, but there is no sign of him anywhere...it's funny how 12 years of your life can be undone in a matter of months...and I mean everything about who you are and where you got to and everything you had...gone...He saw my life and saw it change from bad to good...he saw all of my ups and downs in life...he was my true best friend...and now he is the last part of me to leave...Everything about me has now been striped away...My pain runs very deep now...my soul is now lost...and no one around to guide me...is there someone out there that can guide my soul back? or is my soul lost forever? If someone reds this and can answer please do...

Today is the hardest day.....

Today has to be the hardest day for me emotionally...I broke...or I should say I am broken...so for those out there who are happy about it...you got what you want...well part of what you wanted...I guess it's only about time when you get the full monty. I am slowly piecing the puzzle together and I am not liking what I am seeing...for the record, this could have all been saved...I know this now...but the other people involved had alot to do with it. I just want to...ugghhh...WHY!!!!!!! GOD WHY!!!!!!!! Everything around me is crumbling....all the good memories are flooding in...WHY!!!!! STOP IT PLEASE STOP!!!!!!! I BEG YOU, I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING STOP MY PAIN & HURT!!!!!! WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!!! Please wake me...with the things I know now so I can prevent and heal what is wrong.

Intense...

Tonight was intense...in fact...ugghhhh...I dunno...let me sleep on these thoughts...i am teetering on the bad thoughts...but still had an overall ok night...let me think this over before I get into details.

Got some feedback....

Well I got some feedback from a complete stranger...well sort of...I had her read some of my blog to show her what was up...I wanted someone completely neutral of everything to try and grasp what I am going through...and what the kids are going through...as I told her there are 3 sides to every story, my side their side and the truth...but like I said to her it would only be me really lying to myself, if it was all lies that I have been typing since May 3rd...but they haven't been...that's what's scary...She said she would be there for me when I needed her, but I don't think I could muster up enough courage to lean on her for support...She even knows how awkward it is to even talk to another girl let alone look at one...so I may just keep it to myself from here on in...she is too cool and nice of a person to dump my life on...not fair. I did thank her though for lending an ear. Lexi if you are reading this Thx :-)

Hmmm....how did they know?

Can't really type much right now, but I got alot more outta today then I thought...I had a blast with them...But noticed they had alot to say, and it was heard by all. So maybe I should not be giving up...maybe that is the sign...who knows...all I know is they siad quiet a bit which was noted for the file...and I was not in the wrong...in fact it helped me out. I think I am being looked at in a better light now and I think people are starting to realize...or I should say come around to the realization of things...and what are the lies and what are the truth...but man why do I have to take such a beating for it? Is that what's supposed to happen? AllI know is it will be postponed I am sure on Monday...but I am getting teresa to get it over with before the end of the month...no question about it...I am seeing why it is being done this way...but I am not buying into it, nor will I stand by and let it happen...I am being screwed. Mind you I never have been screwed for to long before...just takes time to work out the kinks. I have to call Mr.Police guy...(My nickname for him) LOL on Monday to let him know how it went, he has taken time out of his day to help me, and support me...not alot of them do that for people...He rocks, no question about that. and the support I have been getting by my lawyer,social workers and family has been intense...I know I am not a bad guy at all...yes I am not perfect in the least bit...but I am not evil, or abusive, or mean...spiteful...I could go on but i am sure you get the point. Anyway I have cleaning to do...so till later.

Will they be there?

Something tells me they won't be there today...don't know why I think that...mind you I don't know why I think a lot of things these days...I know I'll never be ready for another relationship anytime soon...not even being intimate with anyone...I can't...why do things like this happen? It was funny I was talking to Jess about her relationship issue last night, and I just kept asking her the same question (why?)...going down the list...and startled her on what she found out...Part of me thinks things happen for a reason...part of me doesn't...my case this shouldn't of happend...there is no reason I can see...there are so many things I want to say on the topic, but don't want to give any ideas or suggestions. It's gonna be a tough next couple of days for me...today we will see if the kids show up...now I am thinking they will...but no one called me to confirm...second well I got court on Monday...I have asked why to so many people...why things like this happen...why the hurt and pain...why hatred...some don't know the answer, some sayit happens...I remember someone telling me a long time ago this is how it would end...lol...should have I listened then? I guess my big "Why" question is...why I still love? Not an "Obbsessed" love, but a pure love for family, kids and home...isn;t that what people strive for in life? A nice home, a good job, beautiful kids to care for?...but yet we throw it all away in the face of problems that could ultimatley be fixed...same as in Jesse's situation...anyway I have to get ready...Pary for me today...I just realized something...all this time I could have been partying...going out...since I have more freedom now to do it...but I don't...there is another "Why?" Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel it's wrong? Ugghhh...So many questions...little answers.

Again the tampering....

I get up and see again my site has been tampered with...meh I don't care...the more it happens the better off for me I guess...The police will be over tomorrow looking over things thatI have found as well as a few other things that need to be discussed that have come to light. As much as I want to give up, everyone is telling me not too...I don't have the heart to go any further, and it's not because I don't love my kids....I would give life for them, I love them more then anyone can imagine...but I guess the reason why I don't want to go further with all of this is because of the lies...and people will end up getting hurt over them...and these aren't lies of mine either...Everyone knows me as a guy who hates stress, fighting and arguing...I like to be happy as much as I can and enjoy life as much as I can...but this is the first time in my life where i feel truly helpless, hopeless and alone in this fight...even though I'm not...I never wanted this...and it's funny cause they will probably use portions of my blog in court...only the ones they feel make me look stupid or something...but if they read the whole thing they would realize I am not...and most probably see there is more the the problem then the realize...and not stemming from me either...This has been the hardest time of my life....and I don't think it wil change unless I get my babies back...it will balance life out, well...to a certain extent...there will still be the other things to worry about...but with my babies home protected from all the hate, hurt and drama of all of this. This is what it really is, a huge play...an act...and everyone knows it....except on my side...I am not acting nor am i playing...my feelings are genuine, and so is my hurt....Oh I guess a piece of advice...if anyone goes through something like this...remember you are not allowed to hurt, feel pain, care or love...cause if you do...well they look at it as being obbssesive, not caring for your kids...psychotic...damn the list goes on and on...I just realized something...this is all based off lies...either way you look at it...one big fat juicy lie...and in the end the kids pay the price...NOT FAIR! So today is second to last day for me to do anything...do I do something? or just sit back and enjoy what time I have left of a somewhat normal life? or do I find whatever strength i have and go out fighting? Meh...I don't believe in miracles anymore...I don't believe in hope anymore...faith...anything...almost to the point where I do not believe in myself....This is the toll that all of this has taken on me...and I know other Fathers have gone through the same thing...it's not a nice site to see...because I have seen before and after pictures...life is very scary on the other end of the stick...I am in the middle right now...teetering towards the wrong end...I wish there was a way to stop it.

even sleep and a talk....

Even sleep & a talk doesn't help anymore...not sure how much writing is doing anymore...Mom says I am just tired, my Dad told me not to give in cause if I do it will only get worse for me...so why can't I find the strength anymore? Why do I feel so weak? Can anyone help? Don't get me wrong...I love my kids...to death...they are of my own flesh and blood...but I am afraid if I do come out relatively on top what the repercussions are going to be...and if I do lose...well all I know is it will certainly crush me to the point of losing everything...my job, home, belongings...everything I worked so hard for in life to get and to give...I will have started out as a young thug turned for the better by "someone" and become a respectable hard working individual...back to being a bum...in a blink of an eye...it is the bottom of the ninth...but bases ain't loaded...and down by a run...2 outs...and I am at the plate...what are my odds of getting this into a tie? Can I? ...or am I deluding myself? or...am I right about everything and everyone telling me to hang in there is wrong...there have been so many questions left not answered....so many lies told to hurt...WHY!!!! Why the hatred? Why the hurt? Why the immense suffering? It is not needed, and it does not have to be this way...but it is I guess...and that's why I am not strong anymore...I am weak...I am truly scared of....well we all know who I am afraid of...I don't think I have even been scared of anyone before really...but I am not afraid for stupid reasons...I am afraid for many good ones...I guess the main ones are lies....man if this was done fairly it would have all been over with by now...maybe not the hurting, but it would have been done right and the kids would not have been traumatized...cause I know they are and they hate what's going on...you can see it in their faces...and you can hear it when they speak...they are so scared it's not funny...Good parents know, and can feel...that's why I know...cause I can feel it in them...and there is nothing I can do to stop it...as much as I pray every night for them...I have no power right now to change or help them in anyway...except re assure them when I see them things are ok...but I know, they don't believe it...even at their age...I was told by many people...Police, lawyers, doctors...friends...everyone I talked to and they said there are people out there who do things like this and are sick...not sure the term they meant, but sick is sick I guess...am I sick for not being a fighter? Am I sick for being scared? It's like the boy who cried wolf...but the funny thing is I never cried wolf before, and it just seems my pleads for help are going un answered and the wolf is here...and hungry...so what am I supposed to do? Can anyone out there hear me? Will my prayers be answered? or will I just go without being heard? I feel so sick to my stomach right now it's not funny...I thought my stuff was bad in the begining...i don't think I have ever felt like this before in my life...ever. I should go for now...this is hurting me too much...and it's funny cause i have nothing else to do...and i don't want to sleep cause I am scared of the dreams...I don't want to stay awake cause I cry...Please if anyone out there can save me from this please...I beg you...Help me.

....harder afternoon....

Even this afternoon is hard...engulfed with my thoughts, fears, worries...I just want to give up...I mean as much as I am fighting my hardest to get my kids...I feel like all of it is not worth it...all my work, effort, strength...hope...I even prayed to god...is that why a storm is rolling in? Is he there to answer my prayers? Or am I going to get more bad news to crush me even more? Why? what did I ever really do to deserve this? Wow....that was close...was that a sign for what I just said? That lightening struck very close to the house...So God if you are listening to my prayers, or thoughts...why? why did this happen? if it's me strike me down...if it's not please take away the hurt...I beg of you...take away the hurt from my kids as well...they truly do not deserve it...they never asked for it...put life back on track so everyone can be happy again...we all need it now...everyone of us...I don't think I can take much more hurting...as much as my wall was built for some of it...it is starting to seep through...Is there an angel out there who can save me? The storm is getting bad...I hear firetrucks and ambulances just down the road...I hope no one got hurt...Life is in utter chaos mode right now...like it is unbalanced...and not just with me, but with everyone I talk too...

Hard morning...

Rough morning...all I have to say is, this sucks...why? Still so many questions left unanswered...mind you they are becoming more evident as each day passes...I do wish there was a pill to get over all of this...cause the stinging is still there...but everyone says it's normal...but I don't like it...I don't like hurting and don't like feeling sad...LOL...the funny thing is I guess trust was never really an issue...or was it? I mean I don't want to say too much, but life does not feel the same anymore...nor do I...my self esteem is wearing thin...so is my confidence...but like people have been saying it's normal...I'll have good days and bad ones...and as much as the good days were starting...it feels like the bad ones are creeping back in, and I wish I knew how or had the power to stop it...Blogging was helping...but now there is only certain things I will type for now...But all I know is, there will be more hurt to come...I know this now...reason I know...cause I lost my sunglasses...they meant the world to me since they were Dregan's...they were to big for him when he was younger and the kids broke my other ones..so I wore his...now...they are gone...same with my earrings...all my sense of who i am is going away...or is it? So God if you are listening please help me...help me get over the pain i feel inside...the hurt...I have asked everyone but you...I never wanted to bug you with my petty problems...but now it's to the point where my heart is broken...and it is in a million pieces, and I am scared it will never heal...will it? Can it? Why does love have to be broken? Why do we have to hurt? Why do we for that matter? I am hoping you hear my prayers...I really do...no one in life deserves to feel this way...I know well my wish that I want will never happen...and you know what that wish is since I wish it every night...but if i can get the other wish below that one it may help...sorry for grabing at whatever I can, but I hate feeling like this...I do...and as much as I try and put the best foot forward everyday...but it is not the easiest thing to do...ugghhhhh...I wonder how the kids are...especially today...I miss them so much...i miss the voices...Man if this is a dream wake me up...if it's not take me away from all the hurt and pain...I beg of you...I don't want to be incircled with all of these memories anymore...thinking of the good times hurts extremley...and thinking of the bad does as well...cause some of it was petty, some not...but for sure some yes and could have all been avoided...but i do know now, that it is feutile to hope or pray...I don't know anymore...anyway I think i am gonna go let out some tears...i have been fighting them since I woke up...Please God, I do hope you hear me...

Tomorrow's Outlook...

LOL...ok tomorrows outlook, sunny with a chance of the police...sorry I know I shouldn't laugh at the matter, but almost every 4 days or so they come...and like I have stated throughout all of this, but I never ever did anything wrong to deserve all of it. I think it is starting to become apparent and evident...but only time will tell. My brother is crashing over tonight to keep me company...then i have to drive my mom back to work, then drop of my child support check to the lawyer...come home and do my stuff... ;-) As mentioned from here on in it's a secret...6 days left as of tomorrow. I am nervous, but confident. I know I may not get the whole cake, but I am pretty sure I will get half, if not a little bit more. I am just surprised how many poeple have kicked into high gear for me...can't name anyone as they advised me against it...so we'll just keep it at that. :-) Anyway I have to clean a bit before th gets here so chat later.

Did I mention....

Well I have reposted my stuff, and I am hoping it will remain safe now. I was told they are not obscene, aggressive, or innapropriate...it does show my pain of my loss and nothing more. I know it's over and that will never change...but am I not allowed to feel hurt by it? My main concern is my kids no matter how anyone twists it, or alters the fact...bottome line is I LOVE MY KIDS!!!! On a lighter note...guess what? The doorbell rang again, and guess who it was? LOL...you guessed right... The Police! It was to get the car, and yoga mat...I showed them it was a lease and it would cost me 500$ to take my name off the lease, which I don't have...needless to say it was a nice visit from him since I knew who he was. They left and I went about my evening. I can't wait till this weekend though, it is sure bound to be an exciting one. I have loads to do today, mow the lawn again...I just cut it like 5 days ago...then well...getting things done. :-)

Final post...for now...

Well I can't say I caved...I didn't, but I took down my blogs and saved them...mind you I know copies have been made of them. I did this for a few reasons...first reason is I am sure it will be used against me in the custody hearing against my kids...which in my opinion is unlawful, unethical and immoral. This blog site was intended to help me "RECOVER" from my loss. No matter how the facts get twisted, and not saying by me...all of what is happening and happened since May 3rd...well now I can say probably since March 28th now...is something that shouldn't be happening this way. It was a big help getting over things, and was and is a healthy way to cope and understand and sort through feelings. If it was wrong to do, my doctors, family, friends and the support I have been getting would have all told me my blogs were "to aggressive" or "inappropriate". It goes to show you freedom of speech can still be compromised and twisted...I care for my kids a great deal, and I am a very good father...to those who have seen my blog in the past, you can see. But when facts are twisted, making things look worse then they are, or were...doesn't help. I am or have gone through a separation of nine years...and what I am supposed to be happy about it? am I not allowed to grieve? or try and find acceptance and understanding over it? I guess not since I took my earlier posts down...I guess I am not allowed to feel sad...I know I could still have done so in "Word" or on paper, but I wanted to share with others my life experience, that's all...it was not intended to "Communicate", "Discredit", "Hurt", or even help my case...it was merely to help me move on...but I guess I am not allowed to do that either...I have learned quite a bit in 3 months...it's scary... I have been very passive since everything started since there is no reason for me to be otherwise...but me being attacked I guess in my opinion shows that I am a good father, and I am in the right...because if I was in the wrong, I would have attacked from the get go...so for the record since this post may be used too...I know I am separated, and have known since the 27th of April 2006...so please leave me alone...for those who have been sending me emails like 69 of them in 2hrs...or "80" in 2 days...please let me move on with my life and stop trying to keep me where I am...I don't like the pain or hurting...I just want to move on and be happy in life...I deserve it and so do my kids...I have more then enough proof of that. Once my blogs have been looked over by legal council, and others I will repost everything...untill then Freedom of Speech and my thoughts are silenced...well...on here anyway...I am still blogging in a "Word" document that I can upload after...For those who have given me unconditional support, and praises and prayers thank you...for those who have tried to hurt, silence, tamper and destroy my thoughts, happiness and well being....well....I guess in the end karma has a funny way of rearing it's head...so I offer no ill will towards anyone...until next time...oh if my readers still would like to read my blogs, I can send by email to requesters only...since I am posting them in a word doc.

Pictures the kid's drew for me today.

Ok, well since I am not allowed to take pictures and post them when I see them on Saturdays, I figured posting their drawings would be ok. Sorry if it offends some people seeing how much my kids love me.



(Dregan's Spaceman Picture)

(I drew the mountains and Kiara Colored them in. It looks almost like the drawing I did for them)

(Kiara's I Love You with a train she drew)

BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

Not time to blog just yet...making a few phone calls...but BOOM BOOM!!!!! what a day with my kids. :-) But later on I will let oyu in on the whole scoop...oh yeah by the way...apparently my blogs are aggressive in nature...LOL...yeah ok...and now I am not allowed to take anymore pictuers of my children when I see them. Anyway catch ya later.

Well Tomorrow's here!...but weird dreams...

Well I gotta split in like 45 mins to go see Dre & Kiara. :-) My dreams last night were really odd...Damn...I wanted to write it down on what they were before I forgot, all I can really remember is that there was a lot of chasing, but could not tell who it was...and no it wasn't police...it was as if I was chasing a mirror image of myself...but I don't know why...meh...oh yeah crashing out last night I heard the strangest thing, and I think it's a first too...but I heard a boat using it's "horn" if that's what it's called...there was light fog last night, but not sure if that was the reason...it was like every 5 mins and lasted for about 1/2 hr. Well last nights sleep doesn't compare to the sleep I had the night before...LOL...mind you it's cause I can't wait to see my kids...and on top of that, it should be a rather interesting time there...I am hoping it goes well...it should, but you never know...I read my post from the 20th, and it was funny cause it was almost if I knew what was going to happen before it did...I sent an email to some people of that post so they can read and see how odd it was...but needless to say now I know 99.9% that last weekends switching if times was no coincidence...and the "Doctors Appointment" well....very questionable...I can almost bet you I won't be allowed to see a doctors note...but it's funny, cause that's the reason why the kids didn't show up last Saturday apparently...but it still doesn't make sense, cause if she was sick...and still went to the doctors, then she was fine enough to go...she should have been fine enough to bring the kids to see me...but then again I was "Illegally Detained" 2 lawyers have told me this, and I have also read up on the Canadian Charter of Rights, The Criminal Code, Civil Code, and the Police Code of Ethics...being arrested on a Saturday you don't get a speedy trial since court is closed till the weekday...so I know this was all planned....but it is not bringing my spirits or hopes down at all. The more this goes on the more ammo I have, and the more it looks bad on everyone else...since the only thing I am doing is my regular routine, and waiting patiently to see my kids. Anyway I got to go get ready and find a few things before I go...but I will write and post pics as soon as I get home. Wish me luck, and on the off chance I don't post anything or write...well we all know where I am...LOL..I shouldn't laugh, but as I have always stated I have never been a criminal, nor have I ever done anything criminal towards anyone...and people know that...I just find it funny that ever since I see my kids for the first time on May 6th, that's all that seems to be happening to me for no reason. Anyway see ya soon! :-)

Can't Wait! Tomorrow is almost here! :-)

I got Dre his little surprise. :-) It's a Yu-Gi-Oh game for his Gameboy Advance SP, it also comes with 3 Limited Edition Official Game Cards...and Kiara's Gift well...I know she is gonna love it. I am ordering pizza for lunch for them tomorrow...so it should be a very fun day. I will for sure crash out early tonight. Mind you I am extremly happy and excited for tomorrow...as well as some break throughs that happened just before supper. :-) But that is my little secret for now :-P Things are actually coming together, oh yeah I even got an email back from Google tonight, so even that is amazing. I just never wanted it to get this big or even be this big...people who know me know I hate negativity, fighting...the works...but i guess I have to do what I have to do in the best interest of my kids. I love them to death, and all i want is for them to be happy in life and not be scarred by all of this.

Going out now...

Well I am off to get a few things for the kids tomorrow. I have Kiara's B-Day gift, but I want to get something for Dre too...I am ordering Pizza for them tomorrow for a surprise lunch :-) I am sure they are gonna love it. I will take more pics and post them tomorrow. I honestly can't wait...it's been 2 weeks not seeing them and I am super anxious...but I am a little worried how they are gonna be. But pictures are worth a thousand words...and it would be funny to see their feelings change that fast...I mean the first two visits they did not want to leave...and I have pictures to show how close we were...if things are different this time...well we know why...I am not gonna explain it on here for the time being...I'll write more later.

Video clips of the Kids

(If using Firefox as a browser, double click on the movie to play.)

Dre's 8th Birthday







Kiara on the Monkey bars

My life & feelings through music

These are some songs that fit my life & feelings. The last one I made, well...edited it to complete the sequence...but it is one of the biggest memories (True Romance), and says alot of how the first day of my nine years started...The Eminem songs are for my kids...even though it's only speaks of Halie, it is the spirit of the songs that make me think and feel for both of my babies.


Eminem - When I'm Gone



Eminem - Mockingbird


Eminem - Halies Song


Eminem - How Come


=+=BrOnX=+= - True Romance

First real good night sleep...

Well last night was my first real good night sleep...if you can call it that, almost 12hrs...mind you it has been a rollercoaster for the past week. I have to go out later to get a few things for the kids for tomorrow. Mom freaked out last night cause I wasn't home when she called, and she thought I was in jail again...LOL...she even had my brother call here, so needless to say I had a whack load of voice mails when I got home. Oh by the way, I am not changing sites...doing that only let's whoever is messing with my site only the satisfaction...even though if I changed it they wouldn't find it, I would rather stand my ground...I just hope one day soon, my wish comes true...and I wake up from this nightmare...I hate the stinging I feel...I know it will never go away...cause my heart is and was crushed...because my kids aren't here and others...ughhh...ok anyway I have things to do...but I am adding a music post later..hope you enjoy.

Can't describe....

I went out tonight...actually I was pulled out...The night was cool, and it was the first time I have been in a social setting being single...I hated it at first, actually I hated the feeling...I did actually get my mind off of it...but at times it would creep back in. It was odd, because as soon as I left...the vail came over me again....no one is gonna be there...I am trying to express myself without "Breaking Conditions"...because having an empty void is hard to just write without expressing everything...As I was driving home I stayed behind a truck the whole way...and thinks why this has turned to hatred towards me so fast...there was never hatred no matter what was thought...and I guess that's what hurts the most...I hate this....all of it...I miss my kids like you wouldn't believe...I also miss other things to...I still can't believe it, it's like it's a dream but obviously it's not...but being on my own for a while now has given me a hugh different perspective of myself, life...I am sure it has too for others...man I miss hearing the kids...it's funny though, cause at that critical moment in time...there was a tear...a fork in the road...left or right...one way would have had an outcome like this...had I had check first about the whole "Dating Web Site" problem first...I wouldn't be blogging right now...But since I didn't check...right there is when life through in it's tests...I failed...I am really hard on myself for it...but will not stop defending myself...I do have a heart, and it is known that I do...I have been told it takes a while sometimes to really move on and let go fully...especially since life wasn't all that bad, but took a issue of mistrust...or not having it, which ultimately destroyed everything...Man, even now blogging...so many thoughts...so many worries...I am mad at what influences helped fuel this raging fire...when pictures of happiness are drowned out by the inferno of hatred...while standing in the middle of that fire are two innocent children who really don't know what to do...it's scary...If I had one wish...I would go back to Dregan's Birthday...that's all...but wishes don't come true I guess...I never wanted or thought it would end this way if it did...ugghh..I gotta stop I am not focused...trying to blurt everything out at once...but I gotta make sure I respect my conditions. So I am gonna go for a bit...but when I sort my thoughts out I will come back to it...

Too freaking funny....I feel so special...

Ok, this is too funny...LOL..Blogger.com helped me "unspam" this site...and no more then 5 minutes later, someone flagged it again as spam...LOL...it seems someone has a little too much time on their hands...but again, they are on it as I sent them an email letting them know about it again, so they should be looking into it. Look who ever you are, it's not a big deal for me to type 6 letters for a word verification to post...you are not affecting me in the least bit...whatever yo destroy I will only rebuild...my patience is not wearing thin...infact I am finding this rather funny...the more done to it, the better for me. It kinda suck for oyto have to sit there and "Watch" my postings...or try and mess it up...LOL....too funny. :-)

New site made....

I will be sending out my new site address. I ahve taken all the posts and will be adding new ones going forward. I have been hacked into and I am not pleased. . It's a shame "someone" and I am sure you know who you are...has the nerve to destroy and harrass me the way they have...but it is all coming to an end very soon. I contimplated not pressing charges if the person came forward to ease my mind...but now after waking up and the links to my kids photo albums were deleted as well as links to thier pictures I had just about had enough. The police have seen the emails, and they know of the situation. Man as much as this is just an annoyance, why would someone think it would bother me to the point of breaking? I am just more determined to get my kids back period. I really can't wait for the person to be unmasked and to find out who it is, because it is also a cyber crime from what I heard, not sure how sever the crime is but hey...I ahve been doing things around here to keep myself busy and to make sure things are neat and tody for my children. Who ever it is I am sure is a little worried by now...I hope so because I never deserved this nor did I do anything wrong for them to try and hurt me this way....but again it hasn't phased me. I will email all who have and continue to read my blogs and offer thier support so they may continue to read what is going on in my life. But I am sur another wave will hit as I have predicted all of them.

Thank you, and my apologies....

I wanted to take the time to say thank you for all the support I have recieved over the past weeks...it is very much appreciated, and I also want to apologize for any inconvience relating to my issue this may have caused anyone. It is just s shame people would use my Blogs to gain, and to hurt me any way they can...well they are trying but it won't work. No matter what they seem to think they can prove. My Blogs in short were a way to sort my thoughts out in this mess in my life and try to come to an understanding why all of this happened. My main concern is the welbeing of my children, but also in a small portion I was sad I lost a great family. There is no shame nor a "Crime" to be sadden by the loss of family...they are trying to make it look like I am obbsessed...but the world we live in today families break up to easy...and it is the kids who suffer in the end...they have no idea what's going on...and they love their parents unconditionally...and when they go through something like this, down the road they think that's the way...Parents are the ones who are supposed to instill values in thier children...not show them hatred or resentment...when children are that young they are impressionable and learn everything from us...this is why there is so many problems with children today...parents have to learn not to use the children no matter what, because the problems are not with the kids...but the parents themselves...I had to write this because I felt it was right and no harm in it...So parents out there...if it so happens that you separate for some reason...think of the kids first...do not be selfish...it does scar them...believe me. The vicious circle has to stop...

LOL...got to change the door bell

Ok I seriously have to change that doorbell...everytime it rings I think it's the police again wanting to escort me off for "something else" Meh...it's not that i am scared or anything since again I have never done anything criminal, nor will i "EVER"...it's more of an annoyance then anything. I was supposed to go to my grandparents but I have so much to do and prepare for...almost there, but I want to be 100% organized. Anyway I am off to make some supper, and watch TV...ummmm well movies! Since cable is gone for now...I called for satellite so I may be doing that instead.

Got most of...

Well I got most of the stuff done I needed to...little kitten monsters knocked over a plant and the dirt went everywhere...LOL...meh it's all good though. I got to go now and see my Mom...i don't think I have ever seen her like this before, mind you stress has it's way with you. I may go and have supper at my grandparents tonight. That should be a treat. :-) Come home wash up and crash out!!! My sleep is a little messed up due to the events over the past few days..but i am sure by the weekend I'll catch up on it. Anyway I have to get going now, just felt like jotting down how my day was...things are really starting to pan out now...Thank god! I'll chat more later if i can.